The Field Guide
to Neo-Pagandom
2. Grand Old Wo/Man: Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time
they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley -
or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it
was somebody with three names. Or was it three
people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks,
listens very intently, knows dish about people
you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite: Most prized
possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree
spikes.Simultaneously believes in universal love
for humanity AND returning the planet to a
pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove
clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's
notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no
leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested
cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial: Book collection
actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is
studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once.
Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty
volumes of their magical diaries are in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is
east. Dresses according to planetary conditions,
or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat: A man's shadow crossed
her altar once and she spent three weeks
purifying it. She'll have no wands in her
chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her
full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the
magical properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored
symbol and often hang conveniently from her body
parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes
and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph: Oh, they're so nice! All
that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you
can actually carry on a conversation with them
between orgasms... pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays
prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to
you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors.
All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch: "Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't
mind working on Christmas, especially if there's
overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at
work since being canned by that born-again boss,
but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly
smiley work persona at the drop of a hat.
Constantly glances around the room anxiously
looking for co-workers and their spies.
Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous
tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos: Can name seventeen industrial
goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no
panicky headlines appear the day after you do a
ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket,
engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed
as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a
combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol.
If you don't know what it means, they'll think
you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an
alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research
assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news
anchor or bank officer. Always wears black
leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity: At conventions, stays on the
hotel floor that requires a special key for
elevator access. Lurks around knots of
conversation eavesdropping in order to see if
their name is being mentioned. Arrives in
helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every
sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's
going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books
to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards and
doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of
anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper: Would never be
caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a
snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an
ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly
enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis.
Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you
to think they're capable of vast destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men
like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner.
At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on
their person. If you see several of them getting
tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far
away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life: Every magical
gathering has at least one of these, along with
several variants along the lines of Gerald
Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who
was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams
rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell
you all about, in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam
in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various
psychiatric medications, and the garments that
were clearly designed and tailored on another
planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan: Young and psychedelic. Can
dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring
Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from
sunny climes with lots of interesting local
plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast
and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color
combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've
taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile,
never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen: Is he a she? Is she a he? Are
they a couple, or are those two a couple or are
all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers
to these questions could disturb you, best stay
away. If, on the other hand, these kind of
questions seem overly judgmental, you might have
a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this
person, does every sex act you've ever
experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan: Do their rituals have a
script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an
orchestra with chorus and last at least three
hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more
ritual garbs than most people have socks, and
consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds
five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina
Burana." Don't ask them about that 18th century
seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan: If it's in a book, it must
be true. If it's in an old book, it must really
be true. If it's in an old book that was handed
down from an oral tradition of people who
couldn't read, then it must really be way
true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other
mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who
lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job
dare not call themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when
somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted
Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/Old Norse/Latin/Babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits: Uses animal
symbolism to express nearly all opinions and
feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat
eaters should be publicly executed. Has many,
many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally
owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions
of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan
his/herself, how many animals can you see when
looking at them? If the count surpasses five
(including critters found on tattoos, jewelry,
garments and undies), you've found a worshipper
of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness: Analyzes everything they read or hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is
actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing,
dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the X-tian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly
self-righteous all at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little
eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for
someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when
confronted with everyday things such as
advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary
sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering: Is constantly
persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan
because she decided it was the most persecuted
religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it
would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of
a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone
says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment): Knows at
least three filks about Cthulhu and at least
forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to
create simple furniture from stacks of science
fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different
kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style.
Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic
buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too
smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case: Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a
goddess and a god and they do it and what
could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with
depiction's of satyrs with enormous genitals and
huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only --
men have big, bushy beardsinstead.)
21. Norse Code: Heroic and Vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers
and park rangers due to their fondness for
running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand
and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're
expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large,
foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes,
with many pounds of amber dangling from their
necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.: Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a
genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you
like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards
featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never
seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
23. Monster Truck Pagan: Strong, seriously politicized. Would have more than a slight idea of how to survive if civilization completely failed. WANTS this to happen. Eats meat with obvious relish. Frequently heard quoting the US Constitution.
(NEW Classification)
24. The Seeker of Many Paths: Simaltaniously studyng multiple spiritual paths such as Wicca, Zen Buddha, Islam, Themetic, Druid, Santaria, Gnostic, Discordian, Catholic, Southern Baptist and Morman. Only they can draw the similarities between such divergent paths.
DISTINGQUISHING SIGNS: Wears clerical robes of at least 3 different mnastic orders as well as prayer beads that are usually tangled with a rosary and pentagram. Can converse in English, French and Hebrew. but often forgets which language is which and what language their listener understands.
(NEW Classification)
25. JRAB: Just Read A Book pagan, has read one book and now undertands the entire cosmos and entire history of the Craft. Has never heard of most things High Episcopagans take for granted. Also known as Newbies, Insta-Witches or Twinkie Pagans.
DISTINGQUISHING SIGNS: Can be seen at pagan gatherings surrounded by edlers withroling eyes. Also found in pagan chat rooms trying to cyber or asking everyone there for spells.
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