The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves
in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt
very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves
off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous
at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys
were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They
all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it
dies five hours later.
God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys
lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the
toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead,
wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It
started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet
and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing
them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time,
so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the
food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that
my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer,
and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed,
The odour wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of
the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went
and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said
the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him
I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother
asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them
out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say.
They pretended to like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Guess what?
This is a chain letter..... now that you have read it, you will
have been hexed with bad luck in everything you do until you forward this
to 10 people you know. After 10 days, you will have permanent bad
luck forever. If you do forward this 10 people in ten days then you will
have good luck in life for the next year.
Scenario 1-- Alex McNealy, a student from Yankton
SD got this email and thought nothing of it. He simply deleted it.
Ten days later, his girlfriend was in a fatal car accident that nearly
killed him too.
Scenario 2-- Korey Dampenhousse, a graduate student
from NYC received this letter and immediately forwarded to 20 people he
knew. The next day, he received a promotion at work and got a date
with the secretary he had been eyeing.
So you see, forwarding this would be a good idea. You have
been warned.