BARROOM BLITZ

by Cattnip

                                      

Oh, yeah, it was like lightning 
Everybody was frightening 
And the man at the back said, 
"Everyone attack!" 
And it turned into a ballroom blitz 
                                       
- "Ballroom Blitz", Sweet
                                       

"White trash is the one natural resource this country will never run out of!"

- Ted Danson, *Becker*



THE SCENE:  Quark's bar.  The place is in a state of total upheaval...more so  than usual: 
the floor has been cleared, the Dabo tables pushed into a corner.  Chairs that are normally 
found clustered around the dining tables are now arranged - backs to the entrance - in a 
semicircle along the length and spanning the width of the bar, with a narrow part in the 
middle serving as an isle.  In front of the rows of seats is a makeshift stage, on which 
rests a few large, red cushioned chairs, flanked on either side by microphones and 
spotlights.  Light fixtures are set up around the perimeter of the stage and seating area for 
extra illumination.  Thick wires run along the floor, snaking around the legs of the hairs 
and winding around the room.

People mill about the interior of the bar - humans, Ferengi waiters, Dabo girls, and 
QUARK, directing traffic in the big middle of it all. 
       

QUARK:  (motions to a crewman carrying an amplifier) "Put that
over there.  No!  Not by the replicator.  Over...no!  Not on the Dabo table, you idiot!  I 
said by the...no! Don't give it to Morn!"  (slaps forehead and lets out a groan of 
frustration)  "Yeesh! Is dealing with humons really worth five thousand bars of latinum 
plus revenue? (pauses) "Of course it is. What was I thinking?" 

(ROM rushes over in a tizzy) 

ROM:  "Brother, I just finished modifying the internal illumination system like you 
asked." (chest puffs with pride) "We now have strobe lights! Even though I don't 
understand why we need 'em." 

QUARK:  "Rom, what you don't understand could fill every cargo hold on this station.  
Did you set up the sprinklers according to the specs I gave you?" 

ROM: (beaming proudly)  "Sure did! All three levels - April shower, Smoky Mountain 
rain, and Hurricane Mitch." 

QUARK: "Perfect. What about the buffet?" 

ROM: "All set up and ready...only the Klingon caterers didn't have any fish eggs." 

QUARK:  (sighs) "Ah well, I don't understand how humons can eat those things anyway. 
Now tube grubs, there's a delicacy."  (turns to shout at one of the crewman) "Hey, make 
sure those seats are riveted good and tight!  I don't want anyone ripping up my floor!" 

ROM: (looking puzzled) "Uh, brother? Why do we need the chairs
riveted to the floor for a simple television program?  I mean, if all the host does is sit and 
calmly help his guests solve their problems..." 

QUARK:  (sighs with impatience) "I don't know, Rom! I didn't ask.  When somebody 
waves five thousand bars of latinum in your face, you don't quibble over details."  (voice 
grows wistful)  "Especially when you add in the ten strips a head for the poor saps 
desperate to attend this gig.  And then those same saps will be hungry and thirsty 
afterward. Now go make yourself useful; get Jerry an iced raktajino.  I hear he's 
developed quite a taste for the stuff." 
            
(ROM scurries away) 

(QUARK goes back to supervising the action when a familiar voice bellows from behind) 

SISKO:  "Quark!" 

(QUARK whips around to see a furious CAPTAIN SISKO striding
toward him) 

QUARK:  "Uh-oh." 

SISKO:  "Uh-oh is right. What the hell is going on here, Quark!" 

QUARK: "Whatever do you mean, Captain?" 

SISKO:  (flaps an impatient hand)  "What is all of THIS?" 

(QUARK turns his head from one side to the other, as if seeing the
chaos for the first time) 

QUARK:  "Oh, this!  Don't you remember?  Today's the taping of the Jerry Springer 
show." 

SISKO:  "Yes yes, I'm aware of that.  But why has my station become a madhouse?" 

QUARK:  "Captain, what did you expect?  This guy is an intergalactic celebrity - what 
you humons call a 'star'.  Naturally people are going to be a little enthusiastic." 

SISKO:  "A little enthusiastic?  Quark, the promenade hasn't been this packed with 
bodies since the Occupation!  Constable Odo is
complaining -" 

QUARK:  "Odo?  That guy lives to complain!  He's not happy unless he can 
inconvenience someone else, namely me." 

(SISKO cuts his eyes at QUARK, who takes the hint and clams up) 

SISKO:  "Constable Odo is complaining that he can't keep the looters under control.  And 
this morning, on the way to my office, I stopped by the Replimat and was propositioned 
by a very beautiful, statuesque young woman." 

QUARK:  (shrugs his shoulders) "So?  That doesn't sound so bad." 

SISKO:   "I talked to her for fifteen minutes before I discovered she was a MAN!" 

QUARK:  (in a small voice) "Oh." 

SISKO: "Quark, we discussed this at great length and you assured me that this television 
show would in no way interfere with station
operations.  Now I want you to find this Mr. Springer and tell him that I -" 

(JAKE breezes by, padd in hand, and waves to his father) 

JAKE: "Hi dad!" 

SISKO:  "Jake-o!" (turns back to QUARK) "What is he doing here?" 

QUARK:  "Jake asked if he could cover the show for the Federation newsletter and I said 
yes." 

(SISKO's expression darkens. QUARK raises his hands in a
placating gesture) 

QUARK:  "Look, captain, everything will work out fine. This is a
one-shot deal - the show will be over before you know it. Jake will get his story, I'll get a 
wad of latinum and a ton of free publicity, and Starfleet will be so pleased with your 
expert handling of the situation that they'll give you a commendation.  Maybe even a 
promotion."  (claps SISKO on the shoulder)  "How does Admiral Sisko sound?" 

SISKO:  (sighing heavily) "I don't like this. I didn't like it when you proposed the idea, 
and I don't like it now." 

QUARK: (gently takes SISKO's arm) "Here, let me get you a seat."
(to a Bolian occupying a seat on the front row) "Beat it!" (The Bolian leaves with a 
perturbed glance backward, and SISKO reluctantly parks his carcass)  "Now try and 
relax.  It's only television. What could possibly go wrong?"



THE SCENE:  Quark's bar, one hour later.  The place is packed with a restless crowd of 
spectators representing every known Alpha and Gamma Quadrant species, and a few 
undeterminables. Those who didn't arrive early enough to snag a seat lounge on a 
barstool or hold up a wall.  When there is no standing room left, the crowd spills out onto 
the promenade, where the show is being
simulcast on viewscreens all over the station.

After what seems an eternity of anticipation, the man of the hour - JERRY SPRINGER - 
appears from a side door.  He trots toward the stage, waving to the congregation as he 
goes. 

The AUDIENCE goes berserk. 
       

AUDIENCE:  "Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!" 

(A team of burly NAUSICAN BODYGUARDS situated at the foot
of the stage immediately rise, posturing and throwing intimidating
glares at the crowd) 

(JERRY raises his arms above his head like a televangelist, blowing kisses to the 
chanting faithful) 

JERRY:  "Thank you!  Thank you very much!" 

(JERRY pauses, giving the crowd a moment to settle down) 

JERRY:  "How you make me blush." 

(The AUDIENCE laughs) 

(A pretty, scantily-clad ANDORIAN sashays over to JERRY,
handing him a microphone and several index cards) 

JERRY:  "Thank you, Natasha." 

(The ANDORIAN smiles and her antennae quiver suggestively as
she saunters away, fully aware of JERRY's eyes following her
curvaceous rump) 

JERRY:  "My my my. Puts a whole new spin on 'first contact', doesn't it?"  (turns toward 
the camera)  "Okay! Today we have a very special treat: we are broadcasting live from 
the United Federation of Planets starbase Deep Space Nine, located in the heart of 
Bajoran territory and poised at the opening of our universe's only known stable 
wormhole.  Boy, that's a long way from Chicago, eh?" 

(Titters from the AUDIENCE.  A twentysomething BAJORAN
MALE stands up on his seat and rips open his shirt) 

BAJORAN: "Bajor loves ya, Jerry!" 

(KIRA NERYS, keeping a watchful eye from stage left with ODO
at her side, shakes her head) 

KIRA:  "The future of Bajor!"  (casts eyes heavenward)  "Prophets
help us." 

JERRY:  (turns in the direction of the young man) "Thanks. 
That's...wow!" 

(Laughter and a round of applause from the crowd.  The
BAJORAN raises his arms above his head, soaking up the
attention for a few more seconds before sitting down) 

JERRY:  "I just hope he doesn't expect me to pay for that shirt." 

(From his spot next to a laughing JAKE at the bar, CAPTAIN
SISKO rolls his eyes) 

JERRY:  "I'm joking, I'm joking!"  (turns back to the camera)  "My guests are here 
because they want to confront a friend or lover who they say has done them wrong. They 
want to demand an apology from the person or persons that have made their life a living 
hell. What tawdry secrets will be revealed in the next hour?  Join me and my guests as 
they say, 'You wrecked my life, now I'm gonna wreck your bridgework!'" 

(cue Springer saxophone music and thunderous applause from the
crowd) 

ODO: (to KIRA)  "This is disgraceful!  Why don't they just have a
public lynching and be done with it?" 

KIRA:  (clucks her tongue) "That's no fun, Odo.  These people aren't interested in who 
gets hurt, as long as somebody does. 

(ODO shakes his head in amazement) 

JERRY:  "Let's get started.  Meet our first guest: Elim Garak is a
Cardassian, the only one left on Deep Space Nine after the Occupation of Bajor ended, 
I'm told.  Is that right, Garak?" 

(GARAK is sitting in one of the cushioned chairs onstage, arms
resting lightly on the sides.  He offers JERRY a pleasant smile) 

GARAK:  "That's correct." 

JERRY:  "Garak."  (ambles toward the stage, squinting slightly) "Is that your first or last 
name?" 

(GARAK starts to answer, but is interrupted by the AUDIENCE,
calling out in unison) 

AUDIENCE:  "It's just plain, simple Garak!" 

(A startled JERRY rocks back on his heels) 

JERRY:  " Whoa!  Garak, you must be awfully popular." 

(GARAK widens his eyes, clearing his throat and shifting
uncomfortably) 

JERRY:  (consults index card)  "It says here that you're a tailor,  but you used to earn 
your living as a spy.  That's kind of a big jump, isn't it?" 

(Laughter from the AUDIENCE) 

GARAK:  (glancing from one side to the other)  "I prefer the term
'intelligence agent', but yes, I was employed by the Obsidian Order for a number of 
years." 

JERRY:  "Before you were exiled from Cardassia." 

(GARAK hesitates, folding his hands in his lap) 

GARAK:  "I would prefer not to discuss that." 

JERRY:  "Okay, I understand." 

(Cries of disappointment from the AUDIENCE) 

JERRY:  "No...now, come on.  Being forced to leave your homeworld is a very traumatic 
experience. We can't expect Garak to spill his guts on such a sensitive topic solely for our 
entertainment." (pauses, then mutters) "Yeah right." 

(Cackling and a smattering of applause from the crowd; GARAK
purses his lips, looking none to happy) 

JERRY:  "All right Garak, I know you're dying to find out who brought you here, so I 
won't keep you in suspense. This first young man says you -" (looks at the index card and 
does a double take) "You tried to kill him!  Jeez, no wonder he's upset.  Say hello to 
Nog!" 

(NOG walks onstage and upon seeing GARAK, immediately flies at him, leaping onto 
the Cardassian's shoulders and knocking him to the floor) 

GARAK:  "What the...?  Stop that!" 

(GARAK manages to peel NOG off his person, getting to his feet
and hurling the wildly flailing Ferengi away from him.  One of
NOG's legs kicks out, his boot connecting with GARAK's groin) 

(GARAK's mouth forms a silent "o" as he gasps and crumples to
the floor.  From the AUDIENCE, cries of shock and
fascination...mostly the latter) 

JERRY:  "That has got to hurt." 

(Two NAUSICANS rush onstage.  NOG immediately breaks off his attack and, 
straightening his clothing, takes a seat at the opposite end of the stage) 

NOG:  "I'm all right!  I'm all right, Jerry." 

GARAK:  (croaks)  "I'm not!" 

JERRY:  "Aw Jeez...Do we have a doctor in the house?" 

(DR. BASHIR pops up from the audience) 

BASHIR:  "I'm a doctor!" 

JERRY:  "Get up here!" 

(BASHIR bounds onstage, medkit in hand. He kneels beside
GARAK, who struggles into a sitting position) 

BASHIR:  "Where are you hurt?" 

(GARAK smiles through the pain and takes the doctor's hand) 

NOG:  (with an obscene chuckle)  "Let's just say your friend won't be adding to the 
membership of the Future Sociopaths of Cardassia anytime soon." 

(BASHIR looks puzzled for a second, then someone flicks a switch.  Flustered, he jerks 
his hand away, whips out a tricorder and busies himself scanning) 

GARAK:  "Sociopath?  That's an awfully big word for you, isn't it?"

(JERRY shakes his head as if to clear it) 

JERRY:  "Nog, welcome to the show." 

NOG:  "How ya doin', Jerry?" 

GARAK:  "Better than me, obviously.  He's still standing." 

JERRY:  "Got a little carried away there, didn't we?" 

NOG:  "Yeah, but I'll be fine." 

GARAK: (tone dripping acid)  "Oh, he'll be fine!  I'm so relieved." 

JERRY:  (points to GARAK with an index card) "I take it you two
have met before?" 

NOG:  (snorts in disgust)  "Have we ever!" 

JERRY:  (walking through the audience) "Tell us about it." 

NOG:  "What's to tell, Jerry?  He tied me up and tried to kill me." 

(From the AUDIENCE, gasps of horror and shouts of "What?") 

(GARAK fidgets uncomfortably as DR. BASHIR continues his
ministrations) 

JERRY:  "You say he tried to kill you, Nog?" 

NOG:  "I don't think I stuttered." 

(GARAK rises carefully, using his overturned chair for support) 

GARAK:  "Now, wait a minute, Nog.  What I already explained - and what you claimed 
to understand - is that there were severely extenuating circumstances under which I had 
no control -" 

NOG:  "He also killed a member of the away team and hung all the dead soldiers by their 
necks like Mexican pinatas." 

(More protests from the AUDIENCE, louder this time.  BASHIR
sets the chair upright and GARAK settles carefully into it, looking
agitated and a little scared) 

GARAK:  (holds up a hand)  "Now...wait, please. Before you pass
judgment, listen to what I am saying..." 

(A flaming arrow whizzes through the air, narrowly missing
GARAK and coming to rest in the back of the chair beside him.
GARAK's eyes widen in terror) 

JERRY:  "All right, who did that?  What's next, a phaser blast?" 

ODO:  "He really shouldn't give them any ideas." 

JERRY:  "We brought this up before the show and I shouldn't have to repeat it, but 
apparently some of you weren't listening.  So I'll say it one more time - a flaming arrow is 
not a toy!  Garak - I'm so sorry. Please continue." 

GARAK:  "I had,"  (eyes sweep the room, anticipating another
attack)  "I had, unbeknownst to my comrades and myself, been exposed to a psychotropic 
compound designed exclusively by and for my species." 

JERRY:  "Like White Diamonds?" 

(GARAK fixes JERRY with an admonishing glare) 

JERRY:  (clears throat)  "I'm sorry." 

GARAK:  "No one on that away mission had any clue that the stuff existed!  Therefore, I 
had no way of knowing what unfortunate circumstances lay ahead." 

 NOG:   "That still doesn't change the fact that you tried to kill me!" 

GARAK:  "Oh Nog, please!"  (addresses the AUDIENCE)  "Let's
see a show of hands: how many of you have considered killing this little troll in the past, 
or are thinking of killing him right now?"  (pauses)  "Be honest." 

(After a moment's hesitation, hands shoot up all over the room,
including JAKE, QUARK, and ROM) 

GARAK:  (gesturing toward the AUDIENCE)  "See?" 

(NOG is agog) 

NOG:  "Dad?" 

ROM:  "Well, you're always borrowing my tooth sharpener without asking, and then you 
don't clean it when you're done!" 

AUDIENCE:  "Eeeewwww!" 

GARAK:  "That is disgusting." 

(A member of the AUDIENCE frantically waves a hand) 

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  "Ooh!  Ooh!  Jerry?  Jerry, I'd like to say
something." 

JERRY:  "Ladies and gentlemen, Arnold Horshack." 

(While the AUDIENCE chuckles, JERRY trots over to a tall,
dark-skinned human in full makeup and an off-the-shoulder evening gown.  The 
AUDIENCE MEMBER rises, towering over JERRY, who cranes his neck and adjusts his 
glasses) 

JERRY:  "Madam?...Or sir." 

(The AUDIENCE MEMBER snatches the mic away from JERRY,
causing him to stumble) 

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  "Jerry, my name is Fawntasia and I have a question for this 
gentleman over here."  (points a lacquered fingernail at ROM)  "Sir, I just want to know 
one thing.  If you're that boy's father, then why, after he attacked your boy, did you not 
see to it that lizard-head over there got a one-way ticket to the morgue?" 

(Thunderous applause from the AUDIENCE, along with
simultaneous shouts of "Throw down, sistah!" and "Go on, bruthah!"  ROM hunkers 
down, averting his eyes) 

FAWNTASIA:  "And to this so-called gentleman."  (stabs the air in GARAK's direction) 
"You sir, make Adolf Hitler look socially
redeemable!  By the way, will my blue chiffon be ready on Thursday?"  

(GARAK can only stare in amazement, too offended to speak) 

(FAWNTASIA spots someone at the bar and waves) 

FAWNTASIA:  "Hi Ben!  Hey, Ben Sisko, over here!" 

(SISKO hides his face) 

NOG:  "Hey!  Hello?  Remember me, the promising young Starfleet cadet whose career 
was nearly cut short at the hands of this heartless, murdering bastard?" 

OBRIEN:  (from the audience) "Watch your mouth, ensign!" 

(NOG faces his boss) 

NOG:  "But chief, it's the truth!  He's illegitimate." 

GARAK:  "Thank you for reminding me." 

OBRIEN:  "That's no excuse for behavior unbecoming an officer." 

NOG:  "But chief, he tried to kill you too! And he also -" 

GARAK:  "For the love of...!  God, you don't know when to quit, do you?" 

NOG:  (hands balled into fists)  "Why don't you just shut up?" 

GARAK:  (with a dry chuckle)  "Brilliant Nog.  It really is a shame you didn't inherit your 
uncle's gift for clever repartee." 

QUARK:  "Ain't that the truth!" 

(NOG jumps to his feet, knocking over his chair, face twisted with fury) 

NOG:  "Back off, lizard-head! Or do I have to make another run for the family jewels?" 

AUDIENCE:  "OOOOOoooooooooohhhhhhhhh!" 

(GARAK rises, cutting his eyes at NOG) 
            
GARAK:  "And to think I wasted my time feeling guilty for attempting to harm you.  
Now I'm beginning to wish I'd succeeded in offing you when I had the chance!" 

MAN IN THE AUDIENCE:  "Aw, that's cold-blooded, man." 

NOG:  (advancing on GARAK) "Your mother's on the cover of Vole Fetish magazine!" 
            
GARAK:  (pokes NOG's chest) "Why are you reading Vole Fetish
magazine?" 

NOG:  "I hate you!  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!" 

(With a cry of rage, NOG barrels headlong into GARAK, knocking him to the floor - 
again) 

(From the AUDIENCE, buoyant cheering ensues) 

AUDIENCE:  "Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!" 

(CHIEF OBRIEN stumbles onstage and manages - with great
difficulty - to extract a furiously pummeling NOG from GARAK) 

(LIke magic, DR. BASHIR materializes) 

BASHIR:  "Garak, are you hurt?" 

GARAK:  "No, this time I've only had the wind knocked out of me." 

BASHIR:  (places a hand on his friend's shoulder)  "Are you sure? 
Would you like me to -?" 

GARAK:  (waves him away) "I told you, I'm FINE!  Go away!" 

(BASHIR's mouth turns down into a pout) 

BASHIR:  "'Scuse me!  Grouch." 

(Meanwhile, OBRIEN is still grappling with NOG) 

OBRIEN:  "Ensign, get a hold of yourself!" 

(NOG jerks his arm backward and elbows OBRIEN square in the
eye) 

OBRIEN: (dropping the Ferengi like a hot brick) "Ow!  Damn it!" 

(NOG barrels toward a cringing GARAK a second time, but is
intercepted by the NAUSICANS, now assisted by ODO.  The
constable looks on in disgust as the still kicking and cursing NOG is hauled away) 

ODO:  (to a Bajoran security officer) "Assist these gentlemen in
escorting ensign Nog to the brig."  (to NOG)  "You can stay there until you cool off." 

NOG:  "I want his family DEAD!" 

ODO:  "They're already dead, Nog!" 

NOG:  (screams at GARAK)  "I'll see you in hell, spoonhead!" 

(At the bar, ROM moans miserably to LEETA and QUARK) 

ROM:  "Oh, this is humiliating!  What'll Moogie say?" 

(LEETA places a comforting hand on her husband's shoulder) 

QUARK:  "I'll tell you what Moogie will say.  She'll be thrilled, because when word gets 
out that Nog kicked the crap out of a former Cardassian oppressor, this place'll be 
swarming with Bajorans! Maybe Kai Winn will even give me a personal endorsement. 
Remind me to thank the kid when he gets out of prison." 

JERRY:  (to the AUDIENCE)  "Did he say 'I'll see you in hell,
spoonhead'?" 

AUDIENCE:  "Yes!" 

OBRIEN:  "That's our pet name for 'em, Jerry." 

(BASHIR hovers quietly around OBRIEN, scanning with his
tricorder) 

JERRY:  "And you are...?" 

(OBRIEN smiles directly into the camera) 

OBRIEN:  "Miles Obrien, chief of station operations. 'Spoonhead' is a slang term the 
Bajorans gave the Cardassians during the Occupation." 

JERRY:  "And what is your relationship to Garak? 

OBRIEN:  "Well Jerry -" 

(OBRIEN swats BASHIR's tricorder away) 

OBRIEN:  "Would you go play with that thing someplace else?" 

(BASHIR frowns, but scampers away without protest) 

OBRIEN:  "Well, right after he captured Nog, Garak led me on a
scavenger hunt to find him." 

JERRY:  "Why?" 

OBRIEN:  "Haven't you been paying attention?  Garak was tanked!  He wanted to kill me, 
too." 

(Cries of outrage from the AUDIENCE.  Onstage, GARAK's head
drops into his hands) 

OBRIEN:  "It's all right, though, I don't hold any grudges against him.  It really wasn't his 
fault, and  I''ve made my peace with the matter." 

JERRY:  "You're a very forgiving man." 

OBRIEN:  (shrugs) "I've made a career of locking horns with the
spoonheads; you come to expect a certain amount of treachery from them. I fought 
against the Cardassians during their war with the Federation, and I was framed by them 
for treason a few years ago." 

JERRY:  "Garak, you framed the chief for treason?" 

GARAK:  "I had nothing to do with that!" 

OBRIEN:  "They're all the same - deceitful, conniving sons of bitches, the whole lot!" 

KEIKO:  "Miles!" 

OBRIEN:  (turns in surprise)  "What?  What's wrong?" 

KEIKO:  (hisses)  "Watch your language!" 

OBRIEN:  "What for?  They'll edit out any profanity." 

JERRY:  "No actually, this show is live." 

KEIKO:  "That's not what concerns me, Miles! I don't want my children to hear that kind 
of language coming from their father." 

(OBRIEN's brows shoot up) 

OBRIEN:  "YOUR children?  As I recall, there were two of us behind that hibiscus bush 
in the arboretum the night Molly was conceived!" 

AUDIENCE:  "OooooooOOOOOOhhhhhhhhh!" 

(Somebody whistles, and KEIKO's face goes flush) 

JERRY:  "Wow!  Care to elaborate on that, Mrs. Obrien?" 

KEIKO: (mortified)  "I most certainly do not!" 

OBRIEN:  (chuckles)  "You should've seen her, Jerry."  (mimics
KEIKO's voice) "'But Miles, what if somebody walks in on us?  Miles, what if someone 
turns on the viewscreen?  Miles, what if I get a prick from one of the rosebushes?'  I told 
her a rosebush wasn't the prick she needed to worry about!" 

(This sends everyone into spasms of hysterical laughter - except
KEIKO of course. If looks could kill...) 

KEIKO:  (in a low, menacing tone) "I know one prick who'll be
sleeping on the couch tonight, Miles Obrien!" 

(More hysterics from the crowd, including GARAK who is wiping tears away) 

(OBRIEN turns on GARAK with a snarl) 

OBRIEN:  "And what the hell are you laughing at?  You've got some nerve...I ought to 
come over there and finish what Nog started!" 

GARAK:  (sputters)  "Why don't you ask your wife to do it, since she seems to be wearing 
your...'nerve' around her neck at the moment?"  

OBRIEN:  "Why you black-hearted son of a -" 

KEIKO:  "Miles!" 

OBRIEN:  "Ah, shut up ya damned nag!" 

(OBRIEN picks up a chair and swings it at GARAK, who manages - barely - to duck out 
of the way.  The chair slips from 
OBRIEN's grip and goes sailing toward the threesome at the bar.  QUARK & CO squeal 
and dive for cover) 

OBRIEN:  "You want a piece of me?  Come on, you slippery
motherfuc-" 

(In the audience, KEIKO does her best to cover both MOLLY and
YOSHI's ears at the same time) 

KEIKO:  "My God!  I have never been so fucking embarrassed in all my life!" 

MOLLY:  (tugging at her mother's sleeve)  "Mommy, what's a
motherfucker?  Is that something special that mommies do?" 

(KEIKO gasps in horror) 

KEIKO:  "Molly!" 

(MOLLY starts to cry) 

KIRAYOSHI:  "Fuck!  Fuckfuckfuck...FUCK!" 

KEIKO:  "Yoshi!  I don't believe this!  My baby's first word is..." 

(Meanwhile, OBRIEN and GARAK are still at it) 

OBRIEN:  "...And your mother was a whorehouse sewer rat!" 

GARAK:  "Oh, really chief.  I expect that sort of crude insult from the Ferengi, but you 
could be a little more original!" 

KEIKO:  "How's this for original?" 

(GARAK looks up just in time to catch KEIKO's fist with his
face...then it's back to his old friend the carpet) 

(OBRIEN beams at his wife, putting an arm around her shoulders) 

OBRIEN:  "Nice shot, babe!" 

(KEIKO responds with a front snap kick that knocks OBRIEN's
legs out from under him and sends him sprawling, facedown, next to GARAK) 

KEIKO:  "THAT'S for calling me a damned nag!" 

(BASHIR ambles over with his medkit) 

BASHIR:  "Well!  Still want me to go play with this thing someplace else, chief?" 

(OBRIEN groans) 

BASHIR:  (leaning over his friend)  "What's that?  I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear what you 
said.  Could you repeat it?" 

ODO:  "All right Mrs Obrien, let's go!" 

(CHIEF OBRIEN sits up) 

OBRIEN:  "On what grounds?" 

ODO:  "On the grounds that she isn't playing nice with others. And since you're obviously 
concerned, you can join her." 

BASHIR:  "Wait a minute! Odo, at least let me scan him for broken bones and internal 
injuries." 

ODO:  "We'll have one of your nurses check him out in the infirmary. If he's dying, we'll 
call you." (jerks his head in the direction of the exit)  "Move 'em out!" (takes KEIKO's 
arm) "That was very graceful, by the way." 

(The AUDIENCE is still doing its thing, clapping and chanting and basically getting off 
on the carnage) 

AUDIENCE:  "Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!" 

(BASHIR takes GARAK's arm, hastily maneuvering him offstage) 

BASHIR:  "Let's get you out of here before these idiots start a riot." 

GARAK:  "Did you SEE that?" 

BASHIR:  "I saw it.  Come on." 

GARAK:  "She hit me!  Mrs. Obrien actually hit me!  With her fist!" 

BASHIR:  "I know, I was there. Hold still." 

(BASHIR opens his medkit and begins tending to GARAK's bruised jaw) 

GARAK:  (sounding intrigued)  "I had no idea the lady possessed
such immense strength.  She always seemed so...fragile." 

BASHIR:  "Mmm hmm." 

GARAK:  "I must say doctor, I don't know how much more I can take.  This isn't 
television, it's blood sport!  Listen to them." 

(Both men pause to listen as the AUDIENCE chants their hero's
name into infinity) 

GARAK:  "The more injured players, the better, apparently!" (sighs)  "Honestly, if this is 
what all earth television is like, I'm glad we never caught the phenomenon on Cardassia. 
And why are they cheering Springer?  He doesn't do anything useful, except stand around 
and make snide remarks." 

BASHIR:  "Hm, sounds like someone else I know.  Now quit yapping so I can fix this!" 

(GARAK casts his eyes downward) 

GARAK:  "I had no idea your instrument was so big." 

(BASHIR arches his brows in surprise) 

BASHIR:  "What?" 

GARAK:  "Your tricorder.  Do you always carry one with you?" 

BASHIR:  "Never leave home without it, especially when I'm spending time with you, my 
friend.  And this isn't a tricorder, it's an anabolic protoplaser. You had a fractured jaw." 

(GARAK gingerly touches his now-healed face) 

GARAK:  "Mrs. Obrien did THAT?" 

BASHIR:  (grinning)  "Packs quite a punch for a fragile botanist,
doesn't she?" 

GARAK:  "I should say so. Will I require any sort of reconstructive surgery?" 

BASHIR:  (taps GARAK affectionately on the cheek)  "Only to your pride." 

(A shadow falls over GARAK and BASHIR; they look up to see
ODO standing over them) 

ODO:  "Doctor, you'd better get back out here." 

(BASHIR stands up quickly) 

BASHIR:  "What's going on?" 

ODO:  "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." 

(ODO steps aside, allowing BASHIR and GARAK pass. BASHIR
suddenly stops short, inhaling sharply) 

GARAK:  "Oh my." 

(The AUDIENCE has gone out of its collective mind: onstage, an
enraged WORF stalks a butt-nekkid SAM MALONE with JADZIA - clad in a sheer 
lavender negligee with plunged neck and a slit up one thigh - running interference 
between the two) 

JADZIA:  "Worf, stop it! You're embarrassing yourself. And me." 

WORF:  "You?  How can I embarrass you?  I'm not the one prancing around in...that!" 

GARAK:  (to BASHIR) "Thank God for small favors." 

(BASHIR snickers in spite of his best efforts not to) 

BASHIR:  "Stop it, Garak." 

JERRY:  "Jadzia, welcome to the show and - my glasses are fogging up!" 

(JADZIA smiles and curtsies, enciting howls, catcalls and various
other kennel sounds from the AUDIENCE. WORF scowls) 

GARAK:  "I hope Kahless isn't watching." 

(BASHIR dissolves into a giggling fit that sends him into the wings.  ODO rolls his eyes) 

(Back at the bar, SISKO slides off his barstool) 

JAKE:  "Dad, where are you going?" 

SISKO:  (without turning around)  "Bathroom!" 

(JAKE shrugs and goes back to his padd) 

JERRY:  All right, let's everybody calm down.  I don't want to have to send the Nausicans 
up there again." 

(WORF intimidates SAM a few seconds longer before reluctantly
parking it next to JADZIA) 

SAM:  "Uh, Jerry, could I -?" 

JERRY:  "Yeah Sam, have a seat." 

(SAM darts over to a chair furthest away from WORF, his eyes
never leaving the homicidal Klingon's face) 

SAM:  "No, I meant could I have a robe or something to put on?  It's a little chilly in 
here." 

JADZIA:  (drops eyes) "So I see." 

(WORF snarls) 

WORF: "You should have thought about that before you propositioned my wife!" 

SAM:  "Hey buddy, I already told you, she hit on me! I didn't even
know she was married until you showed up waving that big meat cleaver around!" 

WORF:  "It is called a batt'leth, and it has many uses - including cutting out the heart of 
those who soil my family's honor!" 

SAM:  "Is that anything like soiling your underwear?" 

(With a growl of rage, WORF lunges at SAM. JADZIA manages to hold him back, with 
an effort) 

JADZIA:  "Worf, knock it off!" 

JERRY:  "Guys, guys!  There'll be plenty of time to beat each others brains out later, but 
for now, let's see if we can't talk this thing out.  Now what exactly is the problem?" 

WORF:  "I found this patahk in my bed, having relations with my wife!" 

AUDIENCE:  "Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!" 

(Standing in the wings, BASHIR is crestfallen, so he doesn't notice
the frown that crosses GARAK's face) 

JERRY:  "What kind of relations, exactly?" 

WORF:  (scowls at JERRY) "You have got to be kidding!" 

SAM:  "Jerry, it all started last night when I was hanging out here in the bar, playing 
Dabo and flirting with a couple of chicks, when she -"  (points to JADZIA)  "Walked 
over and said she wanted to inspect my balls." 

AUDIENCE:  "What?" 

BASHIR:  "Jadzia?" 

SAM:  "Hang on, it's not what you think!  I had several rare, autographed baseballs on my 
ship, including one signed by Willie Mays after the 1955 All-Star game.  I had 'em 
hermetically sealed for safe keeping.  Then this lovely lady -" (turns to JADZIA and 
pauses, thinking) 

JADZIA:  "Jadzia." 

BASHIR:  (disgusted and annoyed)  "God!" 

SAM:  "Jadzia walked over and said she needed to break the seal. I
guess she wanted to make sure I wasn't carrying a bomb or something." 

JERRY:  "Or something.  Captain, aren't you a big baseball fan?" 
(twists around to face SISKO, who has since returned to his perch) 
"Sam here was a relief pitcher for the Boston Red Socks before he
retired. Would you like to shake his hand?" 

(SISKO covers his eyes with one hand and waves JERRY's
question away with the other) 

SAM:  "So I followed her back to her quarters, and she..."  (grins
sheepishly)  "Well, I think you know how that chapter ends." 

(Next to JADZIA, WORF  turns up the volume a notch on his
growling) 

JERRY:  "Jadzia, help me understand.  You're a married woman and your husband is 
kind of an old-fashioned guy, isn't he? 

BASHIR:  (mutters bitterly) "Try a macho asshole." 

JADZIA:  (flashes a coy smile)  "Jerry, I've led eight amazing lives, and they didn't get 
that way by playing it safe." 

(Cheers from a few of the women in the AUDIENCE: "I know that's right!") 

JADZIA:  "When I got a look at that sleek, cherry-red honey of a
starship in the docking ring -"  (inhales deeply) "What could I do?  I had to go for a ride." 

BASHIR:  "Oh, I don't believe this!"  (shouts to JADZIA)  "You
couldn't settle for a spin around the Bajoran moons?" 

SAM:  "Nah, she decided she'd rather take a spin on Sammy." 

(Mixed reaction from the AUDIENCE - fifty-fifty  outrage and
applause) 

(SISKO gapes at JADZIA in silent awe; on the other side of the
room, QUARK falls over in a dead faint) 

ROM:  (fanning his brother) "Doctor Bashir, HELP!" 

BASHIR:  "Ah, for crying out loud.  Like I don't have any problems of my own right now! 

(JERRY removes his steamy glasses and mops his forehead with a
handkerchief) 

JERRY:  "My my, my my my.  And the network told me nothing
exciting happened out here in Wormhole Junction.  But Sam, aren't you also engaged to 
be married?" 

(SAM opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted by DIANE
CHAMBERS, who appears from backstage, hands planted on her
hips) 

DIANE:  "Not anymore he isn't!" 

(SAM bolts from his chair, covering his manhood with a nearby
throw pillow) 

DIANE:  "Sam Malone, how could you?  After all you and I have been through!  I turn 
my back for five minutes and find you cavorting on intergalactic television with 
that...that spotted hussy!" 

JADZIA:  (standing) "Spotted hussy?" 

(SISKO laughs out loud) 

BASHIR:  "Beautiful." 

(DIANE turns on JADZIA with murder in her eyes) 

DIANE:  "And you!"  (points and accusing finger at JADZIA) 
"Don't think I don't know all of your secrets, missy!" 

JADZIA:  (furrows brow)  "What are you talking about?" 

WORF and SAM:  "Good question." 

DIANE:  (to WORF)  "You mean you didn't know?"  (her tone
softens)  "Oh, you poor, poor man!  I know from bitter experience how blind love can 
destroy a trusting, fragile heart."  (glares at SAM)  "I have it on good word from a trusted 
source that a few days before your wedding, your wife had a passionate liaison with a 
certain clothier on the promenade." 

JADZIA:  (eyes wide)  "Oh shit!" 

SISKO:  "Garak!" 

BASHIR:  "Garak?" 

QUARK:  "Garak!  Oh!" 

(QUARK promptly passes out again) 

(Speak of the devil: GARAK's head snaps up) 

JADZIA:  "You promised you wouldn't tell anybody, Garak!" 

GARAK:  (marches toward the stage) "Don't yell at me!  I never said a word!" 

(WORF furrows his brow) 

WORF:  "What is a - liaison?" 

OBRIEN:  "She means Garak popped your wife's buttons!" 

(GARAK abruptly turns and reverses course) 

JERRY:  "Hey, I thought you were in the brig!  How'd you get back here?" 

(one corner of OBRIEN's mouth quirks into a grin) 

OBRIEN:  "Luck of the Irish?" 

(Onstage, WORF still doesn't get it) 

WORF:  "Chief, I -" 

OBRIEN:  "Oh for crying out loud Worf!  Do I have to draw you a
picture?  They had sex." 

WORF:  "WHAT?!" 

GARAK:  "Oh God!" 

(GARAK makes for the exit with WORF in pursuit. As GARAK
approaches, the AUDIENCE rises in unison, blocking his path) 

GARAK:  (skidding to a stop) "Now that is just priceless!  I hate you people so much!" 

(GARAK hurls himself against the bar, vaulting over the counter. 
He faces WORF, holding up both hands in a desperate attempt at
truce) 

GARAK:  "Now commander, please...you don't want to do anything rash -" 

(WORF hauls GARAK up by the front of his tunic) 

WORF:  "If we were on the Klingon homeworld, I would disembowel you with my bare 
hands!" 

(A quivering GARAK gulps) 

GARAK:  "But since we're not on the Klingon homeworld?" 

WORF:  (considers a moment) "Then I'll settle for braining you in a gin joint." 

(WORF draws back a massive paw, but stops when ODO grabs his
arm) 

ODO:  "Hold it, commander! You don't want to do that." 

(GARAK breathes a visible sigh of relief) 

GARAK:  "Thank you, constable!" 

(ODO swings a fist at GARAK, knocking him backward into the
liquor display) 

WORF:  "Why did you do that?" 

ODO:  "Well, he never did apologize for interrogating me on that
Romulan ship a few years ago." 

(WORF glances from ODO to GARAK) 

WORF:  "How rude!" 

(Onstage, SAM and DIANE are deep in the throes of a heated
argument. In the midst of it, JADZIA and KIRA sit and chat) 

KIRA:  "I don't get it.  Why Garak?  He's so -" 

(GARAK and WORF race by) 

KIRA:  "Repulsive." 

JADZIA:  (shaking her head) "Oh no, Nerys, not really.  Beneath that cool facade, he's 
very passionate.  He has the most intense blue eyes!  And have you ever felt that delicious 
tingle when a Cardassian rubs those ridges against the inside of your thigh?" 

(KIRA looks nauseous) 

KIRA:  "I can't say that I have." 

(The conversation is interrupted when DIANE yanks KIRA up and
out of her seat by her Bajoran earring.  Flinging KIRA aside,
DIANE knocks over JADZIA's chair, sending her tumbling to the
floor legs over head) 

DIANE:  "Come on, sister!"  (dances around JADZIA, throwing
awkward punches)  "Don't think I can't take you.  You want a piece of me?" 

JADZIA:  "Not particularly." 

SAM:  "You want a piece of me?" 

JADZIA:  "Been there, done that.  Once was enough." 

GARAK:  "You didn't ask me." 

SAM:  "I don't want to ask you!" 

GARAK:  (sniffs)  "Fine.  That's fine.  You dropped your pillow." 

SAM:  "What?" 

(GARAK snatches the throw pillow covering Sammy Jr. and tosses
it into the audience, who immediately starts up a spirited game of
keep-away) 

SAM:  "Oh great!  Thanks a lot!"  (to the AUDIENCE)  "Okay, fun's over.  Give that 
back!" 

(BASHIR crouches down on the floor next to JADZIA) 

BASHIR:  (frantic)  "Jadzia, are you hurt?" 

GARAK:  "I'm sure she's fine, doctor." 

BASHIR:  (without looking up) "Get lost, Garak!  You're the last person I want to see 
right now." 

GARAK:  "Oh doctor, give it up!" 

(BASHIR stares at GARAK, incredulous) 

BASHIR:  "Give it up?"  (gets to his feet)  "Where the hell do you get off telling me to 
give anything up?  This whole mess is your fault!" 

GARAK:  "Doctor, why are you so upset -?" 

BASHIR:  "Oh, I don't know, Garak!  Maybe it's because my best
friend runs around with his fly open like a -"  (catches OBRIEN's eye)  "Whorehouse 
sewer rat!" 

JERRY:  "Uh, in his case, shouldn't that be a vole?" 

BASHIR:  "Whatever!" 

(BASHIR turns his back) 

GARAK:  "Julian, look at me." 

(BASHIR turns back to face him) 

BASHIR:  "What? 

GARAK:  (sighs)  "You don't get it, do you?  After six years, you are no less obtuse in 
matters of the heart than you were the day I met you." 

(Sensing that something is about to go down, JERRY beckons a
cameraman) 

BASHIR:  "Garak, what the hell are you babbling abou-" 

(The doctor's words are cut off as GARAK captures BASHIR's face in both hands, pulling 
him into a liplock that goes on forever) 

JERRY:  (to the cameraman) "Marty, go in for a close-up!" 

(MARTY zooms in on the kissing couple) 

JERRY:  "If I don't get a daytime Emmy for this, there is no God!" 

(GARAK and BASHIR finally part; both men are trembling.  You
could hear a pin drop, if somebody wanted to drop one) 

JERRY:  "Julian, what are you feeling right now?" 

(BASHIR focuses dazed eyes on JERRY and then back to GARAK)

BASHIR:  "I -" 

SISKO:  "I'll tell you what I'm feeling right now!  I think I'm going to be sick!" 

(SISKO arrives onstage, glaring with ill-concealed fury at his
officers) 

SISKO:  "I cannot believe what I am seeing here.  You people ought to be ashamed!  Not 
only have you humiliated yourselves - not to mention ME! - but after such a disgraceful 
display, not one of you is worthy of wearing a Starfleet uniform!" 

BASHIR:  "Captain -" 

(SISKO turns on BASHIR) 

SISKO:  "And you!  I will tell you this once, Doctor, so I hope you're listening: the day 
my chief medical officer takes up with a former Cardassian spy will be the day I -" 

JERRY:  "Hold that thought, Ben!  I just received an interesting tidbit here.  It seems that 
in your younger days at Starfleet Academy, you earned extra money in the evenings as a 
dancer in a Castro Street nightclub, calling yourself 'The Magic Bat'.  Roll that tape, 
Marty!" 

(The crowd marvels at a hung and muscular young SISKO in a
G-string, bumping and grinding to "Macho Man" by The Village
People) 

QUARK:  "Very nice, captain!  Have you thought about reviving your act in my bar?  Just 
on Friday and Saturday nights.  I'll pay you ten strips of latinum an hour!...Eight strips." 

JADZIA:  "Shake your groove thang, Benjamin!" 

(SISKO's face turns a dangerous shade of scarlet) 

SISKO:  "Oh, that tears it.  That tears it!  Springer, your ass is mine!" 

(SISKO runs at JERRY, who dives into the crowd looking for an
escape.  In the meantime, OBRIEN has found the buffet.  He grabs
LEETA in one hand and a can of whipped cream in the other,
aiming the nozzle down her blouse) 

OBRIEN:  "Food fight!" 

(OBRIEN lets loose, splattering LEETA's cleavage with frothy
white goo.  LEETA squeals with delight) 

(The AUDIENCE, unwilling to hold back any longer, rushes the
stage, with some attacking the buffet and others simply attacking
one other) 

(QUARK makes a stand on the bar) 

QUARK:  "Hey, hey, hey!  Listen up, people!  You throw it, squeeze it, smear it or 
splatter it, you bought it!" 

(KIRA saunters over to DIANE and taps her on the shoulder) 

KIRA:  "Hi." 

(KIRA delivers a punch that sends DIANE flying over the chairs
with her skirt over her head.  KIRA and JADZIA collapse in
hysterics) 

ODO:  (sighs)  "I am so out of here." 

(ODO morphs into a North American vulture, soaring over the crowd
and out the door) 

(At the bar near the exit, MORN and NORM PETERSON nurse
their respective mugs while indulging in a few Bronx-cheers) 

NORM:  "Man, Carla's gonna kill Sammy when she finds out she
missed this!" 

(MORN nods in agreement.  He and NORM klink mugs) 

(JERRY, jostled by the crowd, faces the camera) 

JERRY:  "I'll be back with a final thought right after- whoa!" 

(JERRY dodges a fistful of flying gagh hurtling through the air
above his head) 

JERRY:  "I'll be back with my final thought right after this." 

(GARAK grabs JERRY by the scruff of the neck) 

GARAK:  "Here's MY final thought!" 

(GARAK brings his knee up to meet painfully with  JERRY's groin, causing JERRY to 
double over and drop the mic) 

(JAKE, having abandoned his post, seizes both the opportunity and the microphone.  
With the future of Bajor in the background ripping his shirt off his back, JAKE faces the 
camera and smiles) 

JAKE:  "We'll be right back." 

(Meanwhile, SAM is having a new problem...) 

SAM:  "Garak, why are looking at me like that?  No, stay away.  Don't point that thing at 
me!  I already told you I'm not...yeeeow!"  (a long pause, and then)  "Awww, yeah!  You 
know, this isn't half bad.  Got any more whipped cream on ya...?"
            
~ FIN ~