TSU: Treksmut Goddess...the musical A bit of insanity by JA Chapman Paramount owns some and we, the students and faculty of TSU, own the rest--ALL HAIL TREKSMUT! Oh, and somebody owns the Wizard of Oz but shit if I know who, call it MGM-whatever. OPENING SCENE: A chubby woman in a purple striped pajama top and red flannel pajama bottoms is eating her way through a loaf of pumperknickel bread as she grumbles under breath while reading a textbook. Her dorm room is in a shambles, books are crammed in every available corner anlong with piles of printouts stacked waist high. JEN: (grumbling to herself) I frigging hate math! Required Ferengi Econ my ass! Grumblemumbleshitfrazzle... There is a subtle knock at the door which cannot be heard over the CD player. LIV: (sticking head in the door) Shit Jen-how can you move in here!?! JEN: (looking up) Huh? Oh-it's only you...mumblegrumblefuckingalgerbra.. (goes back to textbook) Olivia raises one eyebrow. LIV: (snort) Nice to see you too, pal! JEN: Hi. (doesn't look up) LIV: Hello, and yes I AM doing quite well today, thank you! JEN: (grumbles) How many dollars in a strip? LIV: (pauses) Depends on the boob job. JEN: (glaring) Funny-now how many dollars in a strip-and for that matter, how many slips in a strip, and strips in a bar? LIV: Uh...first, tell me where's my husband and how much I've had to drink, then I might be able to give you a rough estimate. JEN: (frustrated) IN LATINUM! LIV: (unimpressed) Humorless today, aren't we? JEN: (tossing book on floor) THAT'S IT! I give up! I'm going back home and joining a convent! (gets of bed and opens closet, ranting as she tosses out clothes) I can join a convent you know-I have two aunts that are nuns! Now all I have to do is figure out that rosary thing and get confirmed! LIV: (sighing as she plops down on bed and grabs a nearby bowl of popcorn, munching happily) Don't forget your crystal and tarot cards-you're going to need them. JEN: (exits closet, face completely covered by messy brown hair before she huffs and strikes it away) Don't make fun of me! I can be a nun if I want to! LIV: (stifling a yawn as she stretches out) No, you can't. JEN: (muffled) Yes, I can! Pants fly across the room. LIV: No, you can't. JEN: BITE MY ASS AND ENJOY IT! (sweater explodes into the room) LIV: (smiling serenely) I rest my case. JEN: (poking head up) And what does THAT mean, exactly? LIV: Nuns don't say 'Bite my ass', Jen. JEN: (snorts) Just goes to show how many nuns you know! LIV: Fine, two words why you cannot be a nun... JEN: Garak-Bashir? LIV: Brother Lawrence. JEN: (rolling eyes) Oh, him-he was an asshole! (continues to pack) LIV: (smirks) Jen, how many nuns go around asking fundamentalist preachers whether or not they feel that faith has a penis? JEN: (defensively) Well, he started it by talking about how women were supposed to only serve men and therefore, how they were unworthy to serve the church--you have to admit, it was a legitimate question. LIV: So, why did you camp out in front of your aunt's restaurant afterward with three black cats and a circle of candles, quoting 'The Tempest' while the man was eating there, hmm? To prove a point? JEN: Hey, I was on my own property and he was the one who told everyone that I was the spawn of the devil, not me! LIV: True-PS: the african drum solo was a nice touch. Your Mom gets a kick out of it every time someone brings that part up. JEN: Why are you bothering me?!? Go home! LIV: I don't want to, there are people there who know me and whine all the time. Why are you leaving TSU? JEN: Because I can't get MATH that's why! (sighs and plops down on the floor) I'll never be a real trekkie, Olivia-I can't tell a Barsoomian from an Andorian, I don't know the name of every episode of every show, and I don't look good in spandex! I SUCK AT TREK! LIV: (grinning) Finished your graduate thesis yet? JEN: (snaps) NO! LIV: It's due in a couple of weeks.... JEN: (pouting) So? LIV: What was the topic again: "Bashirian Nights and A Thousand and One Cardassian Skin Flutes"? JEN: I changed my mind. I don't know what it's going to be about anymore. LIV: (gasps) Jen---are you nuts!?! You've worked on that for a year! JEN: (scowling)So? It sucked-LITERALLY-and let's face it, Liv-I'm a PG-13 type of writer. LIV: Well, you don't have to be graphic to be good. JEN: True, but...(grabs bread and chews) (mouth full) Bug ah waangabe a gwood muttfiend, annie don' no how! LIV: (stops munching popcorn) What? JEN: (swallows) ...but I want to be a good smutfiend, and I don't know how! LIV: Oh. (looks thoughtful) Got any cokes? JEN: (gloomy) Dorm fridge. LIV: (leaning over) Ohh-twelve pack! Great stash, man! (pops top) JEN: What am I gonna do? LIV: (gulp) Urp-'scuze me-whatever you do, make it quick 'cause time is running out, bud! JEN: (sighs and puts on coat) I'm going for a walk. LIV: (guzzling down coke and flipping to the 'Trek Network' on the TV) Bye. Jen leaves and Olivia looks up after a moment. LIV: Did she change or is she still wearing her PJ's? (hesitates then shrugs before popping another coke) One twelve-pack isn't gonna last through the whole 'Picard Bare-assed Marathon'! Liv then continues to watch TV silently. SCENE FADES SCENE OPENS Jen is wandering through the darkened campus in her PJ's and a coat, shivering against the cold and thinking dark thoughts. She sighs as she comes up the stairs and looks upon the impressive statue of the Trek Smut Goddess. JEN: (looking up) Yeah, well I'll bet you never had a loser like me come asking for favors. (sighs) Listen, I came here on scholarship, y'know and I've managed to fake it this far...but I'm just not a Smut Queen. I really could use a little advice right about now.... VOICE: Is this a usual occurance on this campus? Jen turns to see a small woman in Vulcan robes behind her. JEN: (blanches) Hi, Aran...Aranacknee, er... ARACHNETHE2: (in soft german accent) You may call me Arachne, if you wish. Do students here often go wandering about in their night clothes? JEN: (lookind down at self) Uh, not often, no. ARACHNETHE2: Oh, (frowns) although it is not so bad as what I just saw when I went to retrieve some research material in the library. Americans! Very odd. JEN: What happened in the library? ARACHNETHE2: I'd rather not say. The visions may haunt me now as it is. Oh, I did mean to tell you that I quite enjoyed your presentation today in Judge Judy's Family Law course. Vulcan bonding ceremonies have always been an interest of mine. JEN: (smiling) Danke. ARACHNETHE2: (in german) JEN: (strange look) Danke? ARACHNETHE2: (frowning) JEN: (biting lip) Saurkraut? ARACHNETHE2: (sigh)(walks off) JEN: Arnold Swartzenegger!! Keilbosa!?! (looks after her retreating form) Oh, yeah-that's polish sausage, oh well. Shit. Seems like I'm always screwing something up! (plops down at foot of statue) YAWN! I just wish...some (YAWN!)one could...help....me.....SNARK! SNORT-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz (fast asleep) VOICE: Wake up...wake up, my dear, WAKE UP!!!!! JEN: SNARK!! huh? (groggily opens eyes) Who? A woman in flowing grecian robes and a crown of what appears to be, er, well, a CROWN, okay?-is standing before the drooling sleepy eyed girl. GODDESS: It is I, the Trek Smut Goddess and I have come to offer you help. JEN: (eyeing her suspiciously) If you're the Trek Smut Goddess then why do you look like Ruth? GODDESS:(contemplatively) Because...she commissioned the statue. JEN: Ruth, c'mon....okay, I told you I didn't put your edible underwear catalog in the paper shredder on purpose, enough kidding around. GODDESS: (smiling serenely) But I am the Goddess. JEN: *SNORT* Yeah, PROVE it! At that moment a flash of light surrounds the two and when it clears, every trek character and member of the faculty are standing before them. JEN: oh shit. GODDESS: I see you now believe me. JEN: (mumbles) This is what happens when you make fun of the Dean of Regents lisp...'specially when it's Q. GODDESS: I am here because you came for guidance. You must remain and seek the path chosen for you...you are destined for smut! JEN: Okay, the psychiatric ward, maybe-Smut, nuh uh. GODDESS: You are! You are as worthy of smut as any who have come before you, and take that in any way you choose. JEN: Gross. I can't even DREAM a good smut line. GODDESS: You are a smutter! You need only believe in yourself. You can be as sure of your smut-sense as you are of the fact that Greywolf likes 'em little! GREYWOLF: (interrupting and straightening his cap that says: Pon Farr, anyone?) Okay, enough of this "Greywolf likes 'em little" shit! It was one fucking post, okay? Damn, me ass still stings from the barbot and Robin smoked all my doob, then to top it all off, the friggin' Trek Smut Queen 'ere... GODDESS: (straightening shoulders) I am a Goddess-not a queen! GREYWOLF: Don't kid yerself babe, (snort) I've seen better drag on a pack of Marlboros. Anyway-her nibs here, wakes me up from a down right nasty but oh, so nice, dream that would put Killa to blushin'! Fuck this! If you want to grant some wishes I got me a couple.... Music swells from an unseen place and the tune of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" tinkles merrily about them before Wolfie breaks into, er, well, song, that last thing was just to...clear the way. Ehem anyway.... GREYWOLF: (singing "Somewhere Over the Enterprise") Somewhere over the Enterprise, way up high There's a man that I heard of That's a really horny guy, Somewhere, over the comm link, balls are blue And the Pairings that you dare to dream of Really do come... it's true! Someday I'll wish upon a star and And Spock will be in midst of Pon Farr Behind me! Where tribbles mate non-stop And Kirk is always on the top That's where you'll find me Somewhere over the Enterprise, among people's passionate cries Bone's fly is open and waiting Why then-oh, why isn't mine? If happy little yeoman's can sigh beyond the Captain's chair Why, oh, why can't I? As the music ends everyone is staring at the Lupine Sex-Puppy in silent disbelief. GREYWOLF: (defensively) Hey! It could happen! (scowls) Screw it-I'm gonna go listen to some Grateful Dead-Oh, and Jenny-Girl-I will get you back for making me sing like Judy Fuckin' Garland. It's Rap City fer you babe! (stomps off with Anne in Chicago snickering nastily behind him) JEN: (clearing throat) Yeah, well, uh--and the point is? GODDESS: You TOUCH people with your writing Jen. You must continue.... JEN: (exasperated) That's just the point! I DON'T TOUCH ANYBODY-ever! I just skim the love scenes-I CAN'T DO IT! Well, you KNOW what I mean-I can't get Garak and Bashir, y'know, INTIMATE--I just feel like I'm peeking into their curtains or something, or I'm getting it wrong! I just don't have the mind for it. Again the music keys up and Jen begins to sing-BADLY- "If I only had a Dirty Brain" JEN: (off-key and sounding like a drunken water buffallo in heat) I could write away the hours, conferrin' with the slashers Consultin' with R'rain And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' Stories for the smut Hall of Fame I'd unlock every shackle for any individ'le In Sophie's realm of pain With the thoughts you'll be thinkin' you could be another Carolyn Fulton If I had a dirty brain Oh, I could tell you kinky subtext and more I could think of things I never thunk before And then I'd sit, and think some more I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin' My heart all full of pain I would dance and be merry, Garak could exercise his ding-a-lingy If I only had a dirty brain Music ends. JEN: But I don't and maybe everyones just better off because of it.... GODDESS: Oh, really--then why don't you ask the one person here who could really tell you whether or not you should quit. JEN: (looking up) You? VOICE: No, me. Jen turns in shock to see Garak standing before her. JEN: GARAK!?! Garak smiles and Bashir comes to stand near him. BASHIR: And me as well. We understand that you've decided to leave us, correct? JEN: Er, well, uh.... GARAK: I'm afraid not, my dear. We like the way you've written us... BASHIR: Although I must say, I do not own any holey underwear. GARAK: Yes, you do. BASHIR: No, I don't. GARAK: Do so. BASHIR: NO I...(clears throat) The point is that you DO have some talent... GARAK: Some. BASHIR: (glaring at companion) Enough to nurture along anyway, you just have to let loose a bit. GARAK: Yes, stop relying so much on bathroom humor... BASHIR: (rolling eyes) Gods, yes! The shower scene in 'Honeymoon' nearly killed me! GARAK: (glaring) Shut up. (looks back at Jen) Focus on the romance that brought us together in the first place. BASHIR: Romance! 'Shut up' always makes ME go weak in the knees! GARAK: Julian-darling- BASHIR: Yes, my love? GARAK: If you ever want to get laid, we have to convince this--person--that we are in need. Now, if I were to have to strangle you right now, that might not happen. BASHIR: Shut up Julian? GARAK: (nodding) Shut up Julian. BASHIR: Fine. GARAK: Thank you. BASHIR: You're welcome. GARAK: Now as I was.... BASHIR: All you had to do was ask. GARAK: Julian! BASHIR: (holding up hands) Okay-sorry! Fine! GARAK: Anyway, (glare at lover) it's all good and well to make us a couple but how did we get there? There's no....STORY behind it. You have to write how we fell in love to begin with. JEN: But, how? GARAK: You have to...because if you don't, then I'll never have his heart. Julian steps up and takes Garak's hand lovingly in his own kissing it gently. JULIAN: You've always had my heart. GARAK: (smiling) I know, but that's here and now--how do the readers know though? JEN: There are lot's of G/B writers.... BASHIR: Yes, but what Garak's saying is, there are also many Garak-Bashirs. Each one of us is different for different authors... GARAK: Olivia's Garak is different from Sophie's... BASHIR: And Sophie's is different from Jennifer Shipp's... JEN: And you, I suppose, are mine, right? GARAK/BASHIR: Exactly. GARAK: Well, on loaner at least. BASHIR: To really claim us though you have to write about us. Find out what we're really about. GARAK: Start from the beginning. JEN: How? GARAK: Hit it Goddess! Music to "If I only had a Heart" comes up. GARAK: (singing in a rich baritone) When a man's got an empty cockle it should be inside his doctor And yet I'm torn apart Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kinda assumin' If I only had a decent start I'd be tender-I'd be gentle and awfully sentimental Regarding Love and Literary Arts I'd be friends with the Klingons... and the O'Brien who shoots darts If I only had his heart Picture me-a balcony. Above a voice sings low. BASHIR: (tenor)Wherfore art thou, Garak? GARAK: I hear a beat... BASHIR: How sweet. GARAK: Just to register emotion, jealousy-devotion, And really feel his part. I could stay young and chipper and I'd be able to unlock his zipper, DAMMIT-if you'd finally just start! Music ends abruptly and Julian pats Garak's hand. BASHIR: It's alright sweetie... GARAK: DAMMIT WOMAN, I'M HORNY! Write something! JEN: YESSIR! (steps back) The Goddess moves toward her just as Julian is leading Garak away. GODDESS: Have you decided what to do yet, dear? JEN: (nervously) Switch to writing O/K? GODDESS: (sighing) About TSU, I mean. JEN: (thoughtfully) Can you get me though Ferengi Econ? GODDESS: (regretfully) Not even the Gods can help you with math, I'm afraid...but maybe if you wrote a good Quark scene.... JEN: (eyes lighting up) Brown-nose the A? GODDESS: You've done it before.... JEN: (chagrinned) You saw that, huh? GODDESS: Oh yes. And don't think you're getting away with it either---I see a Quark/Odo in your future... JEN: NO! PLEEZE--ANYTHING BUT.... GODDESS: UNLESS--- JEN: Unless? GODDESS: Are you going to finish your thesis? JEN: No. (silent for a moment) I think...I think I'll start a new one. GODDESS: I was hoping you'd say that. Jen: But...how do I get home? GODDESS: Right-click your mouse three times and say, "There's no place like ASCEM--There's no place like ASCEM--Ther's no place like-----" MEANWHILE Dawn is breaking and there is some activity in the Gifford/Stein homeplace ATARA: My last day at TSU, will you miss me? RUTH: You're going to be right next door at the Xena Prep Academy--but yes, I will miss you tons! ATARA: Sweet talker. Want to go jogging? RUTH: I won't miss you THAT much. ATARA: (frowning) Ruth...you really should jog--it's good for you. RUTH: (grouchy) My feet hurt! Fuck Q and the damned dress codes! You can be intimidating and still wear comfortable shoes. ATARA: (smirk) Only in a prison movie-now let's go. RUTH: Fine...(puts bowl of Raisin Bran in sink and slips on bunny slippers--pink bunny slippers that squeak) ATARA:(scowling) Take those ridiculous things off! RUTH: It's before dawn and no smutter ever rises voluntarily before noon--besides they're comfortable. ATARA: Fine. But if anyone sees us-I don't know you. RUTH: Okay, I'll say, "Yes, this is my wife, but don't tell her--I'm saving it as an anniversary suprise." ATARA: What would happen if any of your students could see what a goof you really are when you're not flogging sophmores? RUTH: I'd lose my tenior-now, let's go. As they walk toward the campus they notice a small crowd gathering around the Goddess statue. Greywolf, Anne, Olivia, Sophie, Robyn, and Arachne, are there along with a few others. SOPHIE:(concerned) Is she dead? OLIVIA: (snort) She's snoring too loud to be dead! JEN: *SNARRRRRK!* RUTH: What's going on? Why is Jen unconcious? ATARA: Is she okay? GREYWOLF: (bending close to shake her awake) Jen! Yo-MotorMouth! Wake up-valuble chat time is being wasted! JEN: *SNORT!* Hmmn? Wha-WOLFIE! (grabs him in a fierce hug nearly causing damage) YOU'RE REAL!!! WOLFIE: (gasping) So's your breath-GOD! Leggo and brush your teeth! YUCK! That's nastier than Cam's fumes after he wrote that "musky butt-funk" scene! JEN: (looking around) Olivia, Robyn, Auntie R--You're really here! You're all here! RUTH: Well, it's Wednesday. Where else would we be? JEN: In Trek Smut Heaven! WOLFIE: My kinda town-heh heh. Sounds kinda like the dream I had last night... JEN: No, it wasn't a dream! It was a place. And you-and you-and you-and you were there! (indicates different people in crowd) ROBYN: (to Liv) Orgy? LIV: Naw, with Jen it was probably all you can eat night at the China Rose Lounge. JEN: (frowning) But you couldn't have been, could you? RUTH: Oh, we dream lots of silly things when we- JEN: (cutting her off and sitting up) No, Aunt Ruth, this was a real, truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice-(looks at Greywolf) but most of it was beautiful. But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was, 'I want to go home'-well, at least, I meant to, and they sent me home. Doesn't anybody believe me? ALL: No. JEN: (jumps up) Oh, but anyway-I'm home! HOME! And this is my College and you're all here! And I'm not ever going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love TREK SMUT! (hugs Ruth) And-oh, Auntie Ruth-there's no place like TSU! RUTH: (gasping) Tic-tac? JEN: Orange! (pops a few) Anyway, I've got to be going-BTW-love the bunnies! RUTH: (blushes) Thanks. Greywolf snickers and points down as Jen rushes off. JEN: (running and shouting back with a wave) I've got a thesis to finish! Garak's got the hornlies and it's up to me to relieve 'em! Crowd begins to dissapate with a few amused stares toward Ruth's feet as Greywolf snickers on nastily. RUTH: (glaring) One word furball-nuetered! GREYWOLF: Oh, Auntie--but pink is just SO you! ATARA: Come on, hon. Jogging, remember? Ruth leaves the area grumbles darkly as Greywolf begins to whistle under his breath merrily. ANNE: (in disgust) Show tunes? How cliche is THAT! GREYWOLF: (stopping mid-rainbow) Er-I caught the Judy Garland Film Fest last night and it kinda stuck with me. ANNE: (nasty smile) Ooooh, blackmail material--YOU have the hots for JUDY GARLAND!?! GREYWOLF: (showing fangs) Naw, but Toto had him a nice arse, though! ANNE: (aback) EWWWW! That's just EWWWWWW! Yuck! (runs off with a nasty taste in her mouth as shivers of disgust run down her spine) GREYWOLF: I LOVE doing that to her. Huh!?! Greywolf looks up at the statue and swears he saw her smile and wink. GREYWOLF: SHIT! That's it! No more Bud Light fer me, matey! Guinness only! Somebody musta slipped a mickey in me cups! As Greywolf leaves shaking his head in confusion a small smile appears on the face of the statue and all is well again in the land of TSU. THE END(?)...at least till somebody else picks up this thread. PS: I HATE the Wizard of OZ. I always have. I was the only kid who insisted on leaving the room when it came on the TV. I'm a Shirley Temple fan, and personally I much preferred "The Blue Bird"... oh, shit-too much information, right? Ah, hell-I got the lyrics and script from "Wendy's Wonderful Wizard of Oz" Webpage, but considering what she wrote about Pink Floyd, I don't think I'll forward her a copy--I have a feeling she might not approve. Hope you chuckled---Jen.