NEW: TSU: Reality 101: Reality sucks! Date: Tue, 24 Mar 1998 16:32:46 -0600 From: chapman@dixie-net.com DISCLAIMER: Star Trek belongs to Paramount-TSU belongs to us. TSU is fun. Paramount bites musky butt funk. Star Trek is cool. See Jane? See Jack? See Dick? Jane sees Jack. Jane sees Dick. Jane likes Jack because Jane likes Dick. Learning is fun, too. TSU: REALITY 101: Reality sucks! PG-13 A Wee Bit O' Nonsense By JA Chapman SCENE OPENS: Jen is standing before a classroom staring at the doorplate with obvious displeasure. As she lingers on the doorstep, a short, red haired woman walks past her rummaging in a bookbag. Jen steps out into the hallway, stopping her in her tracks. OLIVIA: (scowling) Jen-what? I'm late now! JEN: (pleading) I need you to take a class for me. OLIVIA: (snort) Hey, I've got enough to do as it is! There was a faculty meeting last night and I've got to teach both Robin's AND Greywolf's classes while they sleep off their hangovers, PLUS I have finals to study for next week! JEN: (smiling and begging at the same time) PLEASE!!! I'll take both your classes AND pick the kids up from school if you'll take this ONE class--you'll have the whole entire day to yourself! OLIVIA: (raises a skeptical brow) What's the class? JEN: (shifts from foot to foot) Um...this one? (hitches thumb toward door) OLIVIA: HAH! Right! Not a friggin' chance in Hell! JEN: (whines) Come ON! I'd do it for you... OLIVIA: *SNORT* BULLSHIT! JEN: (pouty) I would too! OLIVIA: (sigh) Jen, even if I wanted to help you out-which, for the record, I don't-there's no way you could teach either of my classes. JEN: (shrugging) Hey, I'm not TOTALLY unfamiliar with TOS and I could probably fake most of the Voyager stuff--and I could do a pretty mean spit-take if I had too. OLIVIA: (lips pursed irratibly) Jen-you don't drink. JEN: (shrugging) So? OLIVIA: Do you KNOW how much beer you'd have to consume for Wolfie's class alone? And as for Robin--I thought I had kidneys of steel-she's a bottomless well! JEN: (defensively) I could fake it! OLIVIA: (shaking head) You'd never make it past the breathilizer alarms. JEN: (desperately) Well...philosophy be damned! I've always wanted to get drunk-now is as good a time as any! OLIVIA: (rubbing temples) It isn't the transcendental thing--you are ALLERGIC to alcohol-you can't do it! JEN: (weakly) Antihystimines? Hey, one sip can't be too bad. OLIVIA: (rolling eyes) One sip and you'll be writhing in agony and puking for the rest of the day. JEN: What if I... OLIVIA: (exasperated) I'm LATE! Look, teach the class-get over it. This is what being an Assistant Professor is all about-shit work! BYE! (walks off) JEN: (calling after her) Yeah, well- next family reunion YOU'RE sitting next to that woman who looks like a gorilla in hot-pants-NOT ME!!! (huffs angrily as Liv reponds with a cheery wave) Bitch. (glares at door marked REALITY 101 and opens it with a sigh) CAMERA PANS TOWARD CLASSROOM: The scene opens to a small classroom whose desks are occupied by an odd assortment of people, most of whom are in costume. Jen looks across a sea of Cardassian and Vulcan wannabees to several gorgeous blonde, blue-eyed men and women who appear to be either the result of science gone awry or an Arian Nation Reunion. The few remaining casualties of TV burnout appear to be Clearasil addicts and multiple cat owners whose menagerie extends well into the double digits. The infamous Trek Juror from the OJ trial, stands and salutes Jen enters. OJ TREKKIE: Hear Ye-Hear Ye! The class is now in session-the Honorable Professor...(pauses and whispers to Jen) ...what's your name? JEN: (dryly) Ito. OJ TREKKIE: (smiles) Hey,I know an Ito. (raises voice) Prof. Ito presiding. Arise and salute! The class members rise up from their desks and give a split fingered Vulcan salute. CLASS: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! Jen scowls and gives the single fingered traffic salute. JEN: Sit down and bite me! (mumbles under breath as she walks over to podium) mumblegrumblefreakssnarl. She looks over the lesson plan and as she reads her face begins to pale. JEN: shit. (sighs and looks over class) *words in < > represent silent thoughts* Jen looks over the class for a moment assessing the possible danger she may be placing herself in. JEN: (thinking silently as eyes fall upon the student in the far right of the front row and working left) (next student) (third man) (fourth student) The student in question sat almost directly in front of the podium, her crazed eyes darting back and forth as if searching for something and were framed by a pair of black horn rimmed glasses. Other than the glasses and fried perm, what stood out as an indicator of why she had been required to take the course, was the too small t-shirt which had a picture of Alexander Siddig and Nana Visitor posing together. Nana's head had been badly cropped off and in it's place the image of the leering fan remained. The caption on the shirt read, "Dr. and Mrs. Deliriously Happy". Sticking out of the pocket of her ill-fitted double knit pants was a rolled up fanzine poster of Bashir and Jen could see a collection of cat hairs on her clothes even from a distance. JEN: (clears throat) Okay class--today we will be confronting a common misconception shared by most of you out there: Star Trek is a fictional depiction of a possible future. It is not... FRIZZY PERM: (hand up) Professor! PROFESSOR ITO! JEN: (sigh) Yes...(looks at attendance book) Bea? FRIZZY PERM: (mouth tight) My NAME is Julliette-Julliette Subatoi Bashir--MRS. Julliette Subatoi Bashir! JEN: Uh-HUH! Well...Julliette, (rubs temple) according to my class list, you are Bea Neadie, correct? BEA: That was before I changed it-I'm married now. JEN: HO-kay, whatever. BEA: I just wanted to say that I think you're wrong. JEN: (eyebrow arched) You do? BEA: (nods) You cannot prove that Star Trek isn't real because the future hasn't happened yet, therefore it CAN be so this is a waste of time! (crosses arms triumphantly) JEN: Bea...SORRY! Julliette, (smile from Obsesso-girl) As much as I-or anyone else here-would like to believe, the Trek universe is fictional. BEA: (mouth open) But... JEN: (cutting her off) Paramount owns it-It doesn't exist! It's fake, okay? (sighs and walks over to TV flicking it on) This, as you all know is a television. It is a mechanical box which picks up transmissions from satellites-It is NOT a magic window into the lives of your favorite characters, alright? BEA: (muttering under breath)...thinkssheknowssomuch... JEN: (talking over grumbling girl) Now, here at TSU we are in a unique position because we do have access to some of the alternate universes in which Star Trek IS real... BEA: HAH! I told you so! (crosses arms triumphantly) JEN: (gritting teeth) ...but the in the world that WE have to live in everyday, it is still fictional. Each of you are here because your psychiatrists, case workers, employers, or faculty advisors have asked that we try to break you of your addiction to Trek. Liking the show is not a bad thing, but like anything good it must be taken in moderation. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to a cure. Walks over to the podium and looks again at the lesson plan before sighing. JEN: (clutching sides of podium) Because each of your problems are different, the pschological advisors, (mutters under breath) who are too chicken-shit to do this themselves, want us to confront the different aspects of Schizophrenic Hallucinations In Trekkies. As you all know, your psycholigical evalutions have concluded that each of you are indeed, full of it. In order to do this we must confront each of the more coomon aspects of your shared delusion. The first thing we must convince you of is that the actors are not the characters. They are just normal people who are paid to pretend they are someone else. Following them in the supermarket, breaking into their homes, and calling them in the middle of the night will not change this. A woman in the back stands up suddenly. WOMAN: But DAVE invited me! HE DID! JEN: Ma'am... WOMAN: And I only meant to BORROW the car. Besides he drives WAY too fast. (nods to a few of the students beside her as if to seek confirmation) They should have thanked me for saving his life! JEN: MA'AM! (woman looks at her) The David Letterman support group meets down the street at the Primetime Parochial School. This is for S.H.I.T. sufferers only. WOMAN: (blushing) Oh. I wondered why I didn't see the Ed McMahon Statue out front. I just figured that the big dildo looking thing was for the Ellen Commemorative Episode Celebration. Sorry. (walks out) JEN: As I was saying, these people have real lives and careers beyond Star Trek. Case in point-Alexander Siddig, (flicks on TV which is paused on his smiling aspect) otherwise known as... BEA: (the chair bangs on the marble tiled floors as she hops excitedly in the chair) JULIAN! Julianjulianjulianjulianjulian..... JEN: (talking over din) He is just an actor--Julian Bashir is not real! BEA: *GASP*!!! JEN: (flicking remote) This is Sid in a film he did for the BBC about Lawrence of Arabia--see, same guy but not Julian Bashir. BEA: Th-that's just a scene from the holosuites! JEN: And this (a laughing Nana Visitor holding a baby comes on screen) is his wife, Nana, who plays Major Kira, holding their son. BEA: LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! The Cardassian wannabe holds up a delicate but surprisingly large hand. CARDASSIAN: Professor Ito? JEN: (wince) Chapman. CARDASSIAN: 'Scuse me? JEN: It's Chapman, Jen, or just JA--I'm not a professor yet either--just an assistant. CARDASSIAN: (in Bronx accent) I thought you said it was Ito? JEN: What can I say, I'm full of surprises--the question, Mr....? CARDASSIAN: Elimo. Elimo Garissimo. JEN: Shoot Elimo. The Cardassian-like man looks startled for a minute and begins to reach into his jacket before pausing and chuckling slightly. ELIMO: Oh, you meant...hehheh-nevermind. Jen narrows her eyes a bit in thought and eases a bit further behind the podium. ELIMO: Anyway, not for nuthin', but I tink I gotta say sumpthin' afore youse all go on wit dis discussion, here. Yo, uh, fruitcake... BEA: (glaring) Julliette. ELIMO: Whateveh-Bashir-well, he ain't married to youse no way. JEN: (smiling) Very good-at least somebody's making progress here. ELIMO: (nodding) Yeah, well, it had ta be said. I mean, everybody knows he's bumpin' uglies wit da man. JEN: (shaking head) Huh? ELIMO: Well, you know-doin' da horizontal hustle wit Garak-pardon my french. Dere's no way he'd be inta your cootchie when he's got a man ta satisfy his needs. BEA: Th-that's not true! Bashir is straight! All of the sudden pandemonium breaks out and the entire class begins to argue about Bashir's sexual preference...at the tops of their collective lungs, no less. MALE MARY SUE: Bashir is GAY! He is like, just sooo gay! Isn't it obvious?!? FEMALE MARY SUE: BITCH! SHUT-up--you are dreamin'. Julian is ALL man, and I should know, I'VE slept with him twice! MALE MARY SUE: *SNORT* HAH! I think little Miss Split Ends needs therapy! Julian and I happen to have a PALIMONY agreement! FEMALE MARY SUE: Well, WE vacationed in Risa last fall! MALE MARY SUE: We have matching tatoos! FEMALE MARY SUE: Well, we... VULCAN WANNABE: (interrupting) 'Scuze me, but your argument is illogical. I mean, it should be obvious to everyone here that Bashir is neither straight nor is he gay... JEN: (mumbling) Oh, please say he's fictional. VULCAN WANNABE: ...he's BI! Now the majority of the class is on their feet screaming and hollering. A few Mary-Sue's are in a bitch slap war and the Romulan and the Klingon/Trill are shoving one another. Bea is jumping up and down on her desk shouting, "LIES!" before it collapses under the strain. Jen turns to the OJ juror. JEN: (shouting over din) DO SOMETHING! OJ TREKKIE JUROR: WHAT?!? JEN: SHOOT YOUR PHASER! OJ TREKKIE JUROR: (chagrined) I CAN'T! JEN: WHY NOT!?! OJ TREKKIE JUROR: THEY TOOK AWAY MY BATTERIES! JEN: (running a weary hand through her tangled hair) Oh, for the love of... *BANG!!! BANG!!!! BANG!!!* Silence. Elimo reholsters his weapon. ELIMO: (grin) Sorry 'bout the ceilin', Teach, but I figgered dat's what ya wanted. JEN: (looking at him with respect) No problem! Out of curiousity, Elimo, what line of business you in? ELIMO: (clearing throat) I'm in the coffee business. JEN: (nodding wearily) I thought so. I have an Uncle Gino in the same business. ELIMO: (brightening) HEY! I know him--didn't your cousin, Little Gene, shoot himself in the ass AND the foot? JEN: (nodding) That's them. ELIMO: (grin) Hey, we're practically family, you and me. JEN: (dryly) Next time you unholster that sidearm, keep that in mind. Now, everybody-SITT DOWN! Pay attention, cause we're going through this one last time. (everybody finds a seat...except Bea who is sitting on the floor in a pile of kindling that was once her desk) It doesn't matter if he's gay, straight, OR bi--he's not real! IT'S FICTION! FAKE! PHONY! It should be obviou-WHAT!!!!! Vulcan boy, who had raised his hand, stands up. VULCAN WANNABE: Professor...whatever, do YOU think he's straight? JEN: (sighing) That's not the point! VULCAN WANNABE: (insistantly) Do you? JEN: Well....I think the character is bi but.... VULCAN WANNABE: (crossing arms triumphantly) I rest my case. JEN: (glaring) I'll rest YOU on your case, Pal--like I said, he's not real so it doesn't matter. VULCAN WANNABE: How do you KNOW he's not real? JEN: I know. He's just not real---as sure as I am standing here, the man does not exist. VULCAN WANNABE: (sly look) In that case, how do you know YOU'RE real? JEN: (withering look) I think, therefore I am, okay? FEMALE MARY SUE: *GASP* You have to think!?! *POP* The class begins to mutter uneasily as the Plastic Pamela Anderson Lee look-a-like, vanishes. JEN: (talking soothingly) It's okay-calm down! This happens occassionally when you're on a campus that's located between a cross-dimensional interchange. Mary-Sue's aren't real people so she just reverted back to... MALE MARY SUE: *GASP* Mary Sue's aren't real?!? *POP* Now a few people are beginning to ease toward the exits. JEN: HEY! Wait-hold on! Everything's okay! Honest. KLINGON/TRILL: (lisping) Thath's what you thaid about the lathsed one. ROMULAN: (wiping his neck and looking back) Say it-don't spray it, Ass wipe! KILINGON/TRILL: (wet raspberry) *PFFFTTTBBBBPPTTT* JEN: KNOCK IT OFF!!! GOD!!! Now THAT is a perfect example of WHY my mother will NEVER have grandchildren. NOW-watch this--(grabs cord) This is what is known as tough love, ready? This is Bashir. (indicates TV) This is Bashir gone. (pulls and set goes black) The class stares in stunned disbelief. HUMAN IN TOS UNIFORM:(amazed) You mean, you can turn it off? BEA: NOOOOOO!!!! MURDERER!!!!! (rushes Jen) JEN: OH, SHIT! OUTSIDE CLASSROOM: *CRASH*BAMMM!*ARRRRGHHHH!* YOU BIT ME!!!!!* MOTHER!!! CRRRR-AAAACK!!!!!!!* OWWWW!!!!! 9-1-1!!!* A few other classrooms open up and students head toward noise. RJ: (holding a circuit board and peeking around corner) What was that? Jonk eases toward the door. JONK: (cracking open door and wincing) Ooh, looks painful. Better call Ruth. LATER: Jen slowly comes awake to the smell of antiseptic and a throbbing headache. JEN: Uggh! Where's Kevorkian when you really need him! Jen opens one eye (the other is swollen shut) to see Ruth standing over her with a 'don't sue me' smile on her face. RUTH: You're awake? GOOD! JEN: No noises, please--GROAN! Wha' happened? Jennifer Shipp enters the room in a medical uniform and hands her an icepack. NURSE SHIPP: About 300 lbs of pissed off Obbsessive Compulsive, that's what happened. RUTH: (wincing) Sorry about that. These things happen. (shrug) JEN: (moaning) Do I still have all my body parts? NURSE SHIPP: Pretty much. RUTH: (reassuringly) Don't worry, it's nothing that can't be fixed. JEN: (narrowly) Tell me you're kidding. RUTH: Of course, I'm kidding! JEN: (lying back) Good. RUTH: ...basicly. JEN: HUH!?! RUTH: (clucking) Now, you just lie back and rest. As soon as Jennifer releases you, Jonk said he'd drive you home. JEN: (distrustfully) Did he get his brakes fixed? (see 'Re: So long!') RUTH: (smiling soothingly) He can use the School Transport. JEN: I always did want to ride in a space ship. (brightening slightly) RUTH: See? You're feeling better already. I'll see you later, you rest. JEN: (shutting one good eye as Ruth heads for door) Bye. RUTH: (hesitating) Um, Jen-I know this is probably an inappropriate time, but would you mind teaching the seminar on "Paris/Torres: a lesson in acceptance", next week? A not-so-clean bedpan clatters on the wall about a foot from Ruth's head. RUTH: I'll get back to you on that. (and leaves) END SCENE