So when I see something that is being made especially for dummies, I do my best to be a cynical, assanine bastard toward it in every way possible. I mean, I'd feel bad if I wasn't doing my part to make life harder for those who are making my life hell by allowing the down-sizing of peoples I.Q.s.

Not long ago I was given an opporotunity to give it my all. In one of my illustrious classes in high school, I was given an assignment to make out a menu for a restaraunt, along with in depth recipies, no matter what the food item, and a market order detailing what you were going to need. So, being the dilligent and hard working student that I am, I set off to complete this sick little form of "busy work" put in by the teacher simply to keep students busy and to waste the energy of these precious years of our youths.

On my menu for breakfast, bacon was one of the side dishes that someone had the option of ordering. So, in order to get my best grade on the project, I would have to make a detailed plan of action for making bacon.

For anyone reading this who has made bacon, you know how stupid this is. Put bacon in frying pan; fry; drain of grease; serve with meal. It is an insult to anyone with half a brain to have to write out a recipie for bacon. For one not to realize how to make bacon would require one to live under a rock for the entirety of their life and not have cable. Even most hillbillies in the deep south living under these circumstances still know how to cook it.

So, with nothing but a handful of sarcasm and a stomach full of bile, I took to razing this aspect of the project relentlessly. And when I was finished, this is what my teacher recieved:

NAME: Henry Kleszyk
MENU ITEM: Bacon
STATION: Grill
COOKBOOK WHERE RECIPIE WAS FOUND: In the mind of any person with an iota of common sense
PAGE: 2

WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED FOR THIS RECIPIE:
100 strips of bacon

WRITE A COMPLETE PLAN OF ACTION FOR THIS RECIPIE BELOW

1. Get the keys to your car
2. Walk out your front door, locking it behind you if no one else is home
3. Stride purposefully to your car and open the door, watching out for any obstacles, such as cracks in the sidewalk and dog turds
4. Climb into your car
5. Insert said keys into the ignition and turn clockwise
6. If your car starts, move on to the next step. If your car does not start, repeat the previous step until it does. If after seven or eight tries, bring your car to a garage to get it fixed, then begin at step one
7. Pull out of your driveway
8. Begin your drive to the grocery store of your choice
9. If you were intoxicated when you started the drive, or if you are getting intoxicated during the drive, please flag down the next law enforcement officer you see and turn yourself in for driving under the influence of a controlled substance, as you are a danger to yourself and those around you. Seek rehabilitation for your problem, straighten out your life, reconcile with your spouse, and begin again at step 1
10. If you are not intoxicated, ignore step 9 and continue your drive
11. While you are driving, look out for obstacles on the road, because others might not be as safety concious and aware as yourself. Make sure to look out for the following dangers: children 4-8, the elderly, dogs, cats, rats, bats, warring religious factions, members of your state legislature, chilren 8 and up, mimes, eskimos, femenists (depending on how you feel about femenists), etc., etc....
12. If you do hit anything (regeardless of if it was on the previous list or not), you should wait patiently for a police officer unless someone has been seriously injured, in which case 911 should be called immedeately
13. Take proper legal action and follow through to the best of your ability on the outcome. Move back to step one
14. If you did not hit anything, please disregard the past two steps.
15. Pull into the parking lot of the your grocery store of your choice and park your vehicle as close to the store as possible, trying not to hit any other cars in the process
16. If you do hit anything, refer to step 13
17. Exit your car
18. Lock the door behind you if A) you have an expensive car, B) if you have anything of value in your car or C) you are in a bad part of town
19. If you do shop in a bad part of town and the prices aren't as low as they could be, you may want to refer back to step 8 and choose a new grocery store
20. Shut the door behind you
21. Walk briskly and purposefully up to the door
22. Pay attention to the door: if the door has a small black box above it, the door is more than likely a automatic one. That means you can walk through without worrying about opening it. If there is no box, it is a manual opening model that you will have to puch or pull, depending on the construction of the door. The difference between the two doors can mean the difference between walking in gracefully and catching the attention of the beautiful cashier and paying for a big hunk of glass that you break with your head
23. Now that you have made it into the store, find the meat departmant. If there is no meat department, just find the frozen foods section
24. If you aren't sure as to where one could find bacon, ask one of the friendly cashiers or stock boys where you could find some. They will be more than happy to get you to buy 100 strips of bacon.
25. On your way to the bacon, watch out for any "wet floor" signs accented with a picture of a falling man, because these signs denote wet floors, and they pose a threat as they are very slick and you could slip and fall, as per the sign
26. If it is Tuesday (or the specified day that your local grocery store sets aside for sample day), you are going to want to avoid the sample areas, as they can easily tie you up and delay you in getting your bacon. Avoid these areas unless you are very hungry
27. Find the bacon
28. Choose the most cost effective yet quality filled bacon you can find. The cheapest stuff will let you down and the pricy stuff will bankrupt you. Find the best mix of the two you can find
29. Take your bacon to the cashier, taking percautions listed in step 25
30. At this point, you have to make another choice. You can A) Pay for the bacon with a smile and full of pride or B) Take it and run shamefully from the store. Choice B may be more cost effective, but A is the choice I recommend most from personal experience
31. Exit the store, making sure that the door is in the same opening configuration as the door you entered from
32. If you locked your car in step 18, pull your keys from your pocket
33. If you cannot find your automobile, check behind all large vehicles in the lot, making sure that it is not hiding behind it. If you can still not find your car, it has been stolen and you are screwed. Throw yourself in front of the next car and put your life to a sad and depraved ending
34. If killing yourslef is not necessary, unlock your door (if needed) and enter your car, putting said bacon in passenger seat, back seat, trunk, or lap, depending on your tatses
35. Refer back to steps 5 & 6, then go on to step 36
36. Drive back to your house
37. Open door, grasp bacon firmly, and exit car
38. Kick door closed when completely out to express your macho side. This step not recommended while still inside of car
39. Unlock house door (if needed)
40. Unwrap bacon
41. Cook it up
42. Eat and enjoy
    
    I felt pretty good about having outlined every aspect of this process to idiotic proportions. I handed it in with agrin and waited.
    A few days later I recieved this paper back with a note saying the follwing:
    "What is the ideal temperature to fry your bacon at? What do you cook it in? Do you ever drain grease?"
    

    The End