Chapter 12: The Way It’s Gonna Be

It felt like I’d been stabbed in the gut and that the perpetrator had left the knife snugly in place between my small and large intestines. I couldn’t move, I would not speak, and I could hardly breathe.

“Sam, he’s really hurt right now,” Taylor tried to ease my pain, “You can talk to him later and explain everything I’m sure he’ll understand,” Pause. Long pause. “Sam? Sam? Are you all right? I’ll talk to him!”

“I’m, yeah, I’m here, I mean, ok,” I stuttered, my eyes zoning out on a picture of me and Zac wading in our river that I kept framed on my bed stand.

“This is my fault, I feel bad, I’ll talk to Zac now,” Taylor attempted to ameliorate the situation.

“Tay, I need to go. Say what you want, I can’t talk anymore. I’ll call you next week, ok?”

“All right,” he agreed, “but Sam, I really mean it, I’m sorry.”

I dropped the phone on the floor, curled up in a tight ball underneath my blankets, and cried.

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The next few days were full of hollow smiles hiding a melancholy attitude. I behaved in a rather perfunctory manner, that is, everything was routine. I woke up, got ready for school, went to school, came home. I went through all the motions but my heart wasn’t with me and my thoughts were always with Zac. It was an easy decision for me to terminate the rudiments of a one sided romantic relationship with Billy. Glinda thought I was crazy, but I’ve learned not to let people like her alter my true feelings.

“Billy is GORGEOUS!” Glinda nagged.

“I never said he wasn’t good looking, it’s just that I’m not over Za-” I stopped for a moment to realize who I was talking to. Glinda was the school gossip and I didn’t want to have to explain my relationship with Zac especially since Zac happens to be THEE Zac Hanson or whatever. I also wasn’t ready to describe him as my “ex,” that was too severe. What was “ex” supposed to mean anyway? He’s my ex-boyfriend? Ex-best friend? After all we’d been through, I sure hoped not. I stumbled for the correct description, “I’m not over... someone else.”

“Someone else?” She smiled slyly and raised an eyebrow, “do tell!”

“I’d rather not talk about it,” I replied.

“Well! Aren’t you just like coke without the fizz lately?” Glinda snorted. Coke without the fizz? That’s a new one.

“I’m sorry Glinda,” I said with a small hint of sarcasm, “I’ve got to get going,” and with that, I scurried away.

When I got home from school on Friday I had had enough daydreams of Zac and enough wondering what he was thinking or where he was. On the school bus that afternoon the thought of paging him crossed my mind and the more I thought about it, the more inclined I felt to actually do it. That afternoon I sat on my bed, silently staring at the phone. I breathed deeply trying to calm down and build up my courage. I picked up the phone and just let it hum for a moment before clicking it off. I grabbed the foam shaped brain that my dad had given me. Supposedly squeezing it relieved stress. I squeezed it hard for early a minute before I let it fall from my grasp. My hand felt funny afterward, loose, and like it was floating open. It didn’t exactly relieve my stress but it was fun and took my mind off the numbers of the phone for a moment. I looked back down at the phone and without breathing dialed Zac’s pager and left my number at the long droning beep.

A minute went by. One long minute, followed by another and another and yet another. Five minutes turned into ten which turned into twenty and then an hour had gone by. Not a single phone call. I laid on my back with the phone resting on my stomach. I hardly moved the entire time. I was so nervous I felt like my skin was clammy and I was wondering if maybe my heart was going to stop any time soon. Just then I heard it. It was like an air raid siren and I wanted to run for cover. Instead I jolted up into a sitting position and clicked the phone on before it could ring twice.

“Hello...?” I said timidly.

“Hi..” It was Zac, and his voice was full of question.

My heart raced, what was I to say? “How are you?” I asked. I know, I’m so original.

“Yeah, I’m uh, I’m doing pretty ok actually,” he blankly replied.

“Zac, I miss you. I can’t get through a day, I can’t get through a minute without thinking about you!” I confessed, “I’m so sorry that I hurt you, I was confused. Zac, I want you back.”

Silence.

“O-kay...” Zac didn’t seem to grasp what I had said.

“Zac, give me another chance,” I pleaded.

“Hold up a second Sam,” he seemed full of opposition and I abhorred his caustic words, “Listen, I’m seeing someone else. I don’t know if we will ever have another chance because I just can’t go through what you put me through! Do you even realize what you put me through? I’ve never been so hurt in all my life and I could never imagine being hurt worse. I gave you another chance after you kissed my brother! I still wanted to make our relationship work. You pretty much told me to see other people, and so I am.”

“Zac, I’m so sorry. You’re right,” I felt foolish for coming on too strong, “I was so wrong, but I was confused. I couldn’t handle our relationship with everything that had happened. I needed this time to think and sort things out. I want you to be happy so if this other girl is making you happy, then... then that’s good.”

“Really?” he questioned.

“Yes, really,” I did want him to be happy. I guess I was self-centered to think that I was the one who would supply that happiness.

“Ok.” Zac said as if he’d just given an earth shattering closing statement for the supreme court.

“Ok...” I wasn’t quite so confident, “so maybe we can try out friendship?”

“I think that we could try that,” Zac sounded uncertain.

“Well, take some time. I’ll be here. You know my number.” I only hoped I could at least have him as a friend again. To lose a boyfriend is trivial compared to losing a life long friendship. Only being his friend would be hard for me. I felt so much for him, but if this was the way it was going to be than that’s that.