Ok the Cup is now a figment of Ronaldo’s imagination.
In fact we can now divulge that Ronaldo’s private
trainer (a certain Marradona lookalike) did his
best to  bring the World Cup back to the nutty Brazilians.
The only problem was that Ronaldo apparently took
the wrong medication. Instead of the prescribed 500mg of
EXtasy, the private trainer (who sometimes has difficulty
reading ) dispensed a mild swilling of EXlax!?
Naturally the whole Brazilian team took part in this 
wild party and the Frogs gratefully gate-crashed in.
The story was hushed up until now  but we are the first
to bring you the truth. 
Remember we here at the Freedom of Bowel Movement
are always buried in a pile of bile news.
See all you square eyed soccer fans in another 4 years.
        Vive la France!

The sad news of the past month is that Israel will not
be sending up an Astronaut in its Jewbilee year.
The fireworks in Jerusalem were the only ET experience
that Israel will witness this side of the millenium.



To cut a short story shorter the geriatric John Glenn
has pipped Israel to the post.
Glenn was the first Yank to Orbit the Earth but not the 
first American in Space.. This honour went to Alan B. 
Shepard Jr. who on the 5th May 1961 made US history by slipping 
into the muddy waters of Space in his compact Freedom 7 Space
Ship. The 15 minute flight proved a bitter pill to swallow
however as 3 weeks earlier the Soviets had pipped the
Americans to their post. The Vostok that took Yuri Gegarin
a full orbit around our little planet gave the Russkies full
boasting rights as the Cold War Race for Space heated upwards.

With this backround in mind we are sorry to announce the 
death of Al Shepard Jr. in Monterey California. 
He was aged 74.{A mere two years younger than Senator Glenn.}
Shepard  besides being the first US citizen to leave our 
atmosphere is also firmly famous in sporting triviality.
After his success in Freedom 7 he had to wait another 10 years
till January 1971 to skipper the Apollo 14 mission to the Moon.
This time Al junior was to be the 5th man on the moon. He 
thoughtfully took his caddy with him (Ed, where's the buggy?, 
Mitchell}. After rambling about the rough for a few Earth
hours Shepard produced a custom made sandwedge and a couple of
golf balls.
He was not only the first "Out Of This World Golfer" but 
managed to strike his Slazengers straight out of the park.
Mitchell shouted "fore" but as we know from Sigourney Weaver
no one can hear you scream in Space.
As far as we know his balls are still orbiting the Light and
Dark side.


However those weren't the first balls in Space.
On the 4th October 1957 the dreams of many Internet authors
{such as Jools Verne & Huge One Wells} came true.
The Russians won the Race for Space by placing a 23 inch 
aluminium basketball into orbit. Sputnik was dunkin the skies
for 57 days till it finally burnt out during re-entry.




  SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIER
  ------------------------

Space Exploration or Astronautics is interdisciplinary in 
that it draws upon findings from physics, maths, astronomy,
biology, chemistry, electronics, medicine and menchkeit.
When Neil Armstrong wrote the draft for his Moonwalk speach
it went..One small step for man, oy vot a schlepp for
menchkeit!.. However NASA intervened and reworked the now 
famous version.
Over 3000 spacecraft of all shapes and sizes have been
launched into space including 12 men who have walked on the 
Moon.
By ordinary standards Space is a vacuum with small quantities
of hydrogen, Xrays, ultraviolet and infrared radiation. 
The laws of universal gravity states that every particle of
matter in the universe attracts every other particle with a force
proportional to the products of their masses and inversely 
proportional to the square of the distance between them.
(If you think this author has been sniffing glue again please
note that all this info is freely available when you join
the Levinson Lunar Landing, not at night, School)
Anyway the gravitational field extends to an infinite distance
and doesn't cease to act at any fixed altitude...in other
words  "everything that goes up must come down unless you are
John Glenn".

The Americans have had to swallow their pride (Just as Monica
swallowed the evidence) with the revelation that the basis of 
US Space technology emerged from Nazi Germany.
World War 2 provided the motivation for long range sub orbital
rockets. The Soviets, Germans, Brits and Yanks all jumped in 
to fill the void and tried to develop liquid propelled
rocket technology.
The Nazis emerged as the best of the bunch. They developed 
the notorious V2 which was used to bombard Blighty from 
occupied Europe. After the War the Americans confiscated a
few V2's and sent them back (via surface mail) to the States.
Along with the consignment went leading German Rocket experts
such as Walter Dornberger and Wernher von Braun. (who later
invented the first solar powered Epilady, he was so 
impressed with the smooth shave that he bought the company.





Changes Bowie

Space Oddity

-------------------
Ground Control to Major Tom,
Ground Control to Major Tom,
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
Ten
Ground Control to Major Tom Nine,Eight,Seven
Commencing countdown, engines on Six,Five Four
Check igition and may God's love be with you Three,Two,One
Liftoff

This is Ground Control to Major Tom,
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know who shot you where
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare.

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control"
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today.

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world,
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do.

Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles,
I'm feeling very still,
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go.
Tell my wife I love her very much she knows."

Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuits dead, there's something wrong.
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you...

"Here I am floating round my tin can,
Far above the Moon,
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do."







  RUSSIANS IN SPACE
  -----------------

Early problems led the Soviet scientists to realise that the
biggest problem of manned Space Flights wasn't the launch but
achieving a succesfull return journey.
The Americans had used the Ocean as a soft landing pad whereas
the Soviets, also with parachutes to slow down descent, used
the snow of deepest Siberia to try and succesfully land their
cosmonauts.  The first woman in Space, Valentina Tereshkova,
landed on a highway in the middle of a blizzard and was involved
in a Hit & Run accident with a Lada snow plough. The road
engineer Tovarish Alek Shnoboardover was eventually arrested for
careless ploughing and was forced to surrender his Damart 
gatkes. (Siberians can't be exiled to Siberia).

   NB. The idea of sending Women to the Moon under the belief
   that lady drivers can hit anything also appealed to NASA.

After the success of Sputnik the Russians started experimenting
with live payloads. The 2nd Sputnik was sent up with Laika 
the dog on board. "Spotted Dick 2" was 162 days aloft when it
accidentally re-entered the atmosphere over the Southern United
States. It naturally burnt up during the process however a 
finger licking delicacy was soon invented...Kentucky Fried
Doberman Pincher.
The first photographs of the dark side of the Moon were taken
aboard Luna 3 launched in 1959. It snapped over 1000 pics but
unfortunately due to a famous Kodak Kockup {or was it Cold War
espionage} the films got lost. Rochester was later earmarked
as a Nuclear target.

Luna 16 was eventually launched by the Russians and managed to 
collect and place 4 ounces of Moon dust in a container and then
send it back to Earth, succesfully landing in the USSR.
A farmer who found it couldn't understand the fuss surrounding
his village..he was rewarded with a free weekend in Chernobyl.
This led to the question.. How much does a Russian Urn?
By the way if you have some spare cash we have just read in
Soviet Space Weekly that Mir is up for sale....



Salyut style Soviet Space Wagon.
4x4 steering, 8 birth, One carefull owner.
Full service History can be Doctored to suit every purpose.
Low mileage, High Mileage and Very High Mileage.
Original Paintwork, Airconditioned, No Overheads.
Viewing by appointment or via Real Audio/CNN.
Tel 972 3 5103138
Offers over $2000 will be seriously considered.
 





  JEWS IN SPACE?
  --------------

The whole space business is too complicated to go into in more
detail except to remind you that some one up there is watching
me every time I take  shekels out of the Cashpomat. They say
its a Spy Satellite but all Israelis know that 
the Jewish Taxman lingers above everything.
Anyway back to my argument that Jumping John Glenn has bounced
the two Israeli pilots from our rightfull [?] place in Jewbilee
Heaven.
Perhaps Bibi and Clinton haven't been seeing eye to eye but the
the consequence is that the Sate Dept. has delayed enrolling the 
IAF duo into the 9 month intensive training programme.
Instead Glenn has been de-mothballed to experiment getting old
in Zero gravity. Asked if he has any worries about the 
spaceflight John Glenn stated that he is on an extensive course
of Viagra so as not to burn up during re-entry.
Maybe sometime in the next 2 years we will start with the
headlines "Jews in Space"  but for the meantime our Pilots will
have to be content flying in the eye of politics.

 Now can you hear me, Major Tom?