***SPOILER ALERT!***

***SPOILER ALERT!***

If you have not seen the season six episode, TO BE and do not want it spoiled,
stop reading now! This is #1 of two parodies I'm writing based on the season
finale. The first - TO BE.... ORIGINAL? - (as well as many other parodies
and stories) can be found at my new website: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dungeon/9847/hl.html,
As well as Ann Fountain's wonderful website:
http://www.seventh-dimension.simplenet.com/.
Or feel free to write me for copies.

S

P

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DISCLAIMER: Highlander and its characters belong to Rysher. No infringement
intended, no profit being made. This is a work of parody.

Life was normal on the barge.

Well, as normal as it ever was with Amoura around. But, then again.... I mean,
considering this was the first time we got to see Amoura show up after Itchie's
death and all, things would hardly be *normal* would they? That is. considering
how much more depth and character development we got to see in her throughout
season five, one would expect some serious, moving, thoughtful stuff going on
in this situation. Right?

Uh.... forget it. Life was normal on the barge. Dunkin' MacClod and Amoura did
it like dogs on the floor until they could do it no more. Afterwards, seeing
that Dunkin' was feeling a bit down and lonely, Amoura thoughtfully bid him
farewell and left to catch a plane somewhere.

Mac watched her leave with a tear in his eye. "Gee," he murmured to himself.
"This reminds me of that chick I was romancing only six episodes ago. The way
she walked out of the barge and was immediately kidnapped...."

There was a thump and a muffled scream outside.

"Not to mention," Dunkin' added, "the time Joe was grabbed right outside the
barge by those evil Watchers, or Itchie by that Russian dude, or...." The noise
from outside became more frantic. He scratched his head. "The writers wouldn't
*really* pull that shtick on me again.... would they?"

Amoura's voice could faintly be heard yelling, "Help!"

Dunkin' smiled. "Nahhhhh." He started cleaning up the debris from their earlier
athletics, then noticed that Amoura had left her favorite nail file behind.
"Oops!" He picked it up and hurried outside. "Amoura, you.... HEY!" But it was
too late. He was just in time to see a car driving away, Amoura's panicked face
pressed up against the rear window. "Of all the...." Mac quickly checked to
make sure his cell phone was on for the inevitable call, then noticed a sword
planted deep into the brick road in front of him. There was a coaster balanced
on the hilt with a picture of a horse on it. He stared at it. "This can only
mean *one* thing," he declared to no one in particular. He reached out with
purpose, gripped the hilt, and yanked the sword up and out of the road, raising
it high over his head. "I'm the king of England!!"

###

"Look, Meefus," Joe Duhson snorted as the two of them sat together inside Joe's
French business, Le Joe's Le Bar. "It's bad enough hearing that all these
ancient Watcher records I have - going back for two thousand years or more -
are full of exaggerations and inaccuracies, but the fact that *anyone* could
*remember* all these small details is...." he shook his head and downed his
whiskey, "damn near unbelievable!"

Meefus shrugged. "Well, be fair! How is it that *you* always know the names,
faces, and every intimate detail of every Immortal MacClod happens to show up
and ask you about?"

Joe looked at him strangely. "Don't be ridiculous."

Suddenly, Mac stormed in and slammed the horse-coaster down onto the bar.

"Leer O'Snort!" Joe exclaimed.

Meefus rolled his eyes. "See?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

London, 1946

Happy Hour
 

"So, Dunkin', me old pal...." Leer O'Snort knocked back his ale. "Are ye going
to help us, then?"

Mac shook his head sadly and looked around the crowded pub. "I keep telling
you, Leer, what your group is doing is wrong! You can't achieve anything
through violence. We need to come together and talk through our differences. We
need to...."

"Nonsense!" replied Leer's mortal girlfriend, a dead-ringer for a certain
*other* red-haired, Irish, IRA-belonging lady Mac happened to know. "And I'm
still going to kill Itchie!"

Leer and Mac both looked at her. "Huh?"

"Oh, sorry." She blushed. "Wrong flashback."

"Why don't you go get us some more ale, love?" Leer suggested. She beamed a
crazed smile on him and headed for the bar. He watched her go, his expression
softening. "She's a total fruitcake, Mac. God, I love her."

"Er...." Mac started, but didn't get a chance to elaborate. Leer's girlfriend
suddenly spun on her heel and headed for the door. Leer grabbed Mac's arm and
pulled him along after her. "What's going...?"

The bar exploded in flames.

"....on?" Mac dug his heels into the sidewalk and yanked his arm away from
Leer. "Hey, I put a lot of thought into my little peace speech back there! The
least you could have done was...."

"Come ON!" Leer shouted. "We'll be caught!"

"No." Dunkin' crossed his arms and put on his 'stubborn' face. "Not until you
apologize."

"Mac!" Leer grabbed him by the collar and shook him desperately. "Even though
we're in dire danger of being caught at any second, I'm not going to run away
unless you come with me! Loyal friends don't do that!"

There was a whistle blow behind them. Dunkin' looked around. "Jeepers, the
cops!" He knocked Leer and his girlfriend out of his way and took off at a full
run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So...." Dunkin finished the drink he'd helped himself to. "They were caught
and spent the rest of Leer's girlfriend's life in prison. Leer refused to break
out until she was gone. How he managed to explain not *aging* that entire time
is beyond me."

"That's...." Meefus made a face, "uh, very moving." He rolled his eyes again.

"Don't you see?" Dunkin' asked them both. "It's an eye for an eye!"

Joe shook his head. "No, no, that's the Annie Devlish episode! This was a
*different* red-haired, Irish, IRA...."

"Huh?"

"Anyway," Joe continued. "What do we do now?"

"Joe," Dunkin' placed a hand on his old friend's arm, his eyes desperate. "You
have to help me find this guy. He has Amoura!"

"Sure thing, buddy!" Joe exclaimed.

"Joe, you don't understand, this is...." Dunkin' broke off. "Uh, you will? Just
like that? Whatever happened to all of your 'I'm a Watcher, you're an Immortal'
and all that?"

Joe smacked his head. "Oh yeah, I forgot!"

"Great!" Dunkin' slapped him on the back." Call me when you inevitably change
your mind." He turned to go. "C'mon, Meefus!"

Meefus frowned at him over his drink. "To where? We don't know where Leer is,
yet."

"Details, details!" Mac grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him out.

Joe chuckled, shaking his head. "Those two crack me up." He picked up the phone
and dialed. "Hello? Watcher information? I need the number and current
abandoned warehouse location of an Immortal named...." He never got any
further. Leer O'Snort appeared magically behind Joe and conked him on the
noggin.

"Watchers," Leer muttered as Joe slumped over. "Never keep their eyes open."

###
end of part one
 
 
 

From: Joanne Madge <joanne.madge@CHRYSALIS.ORG>
Subject: To Be... Original? (2/3)

To Be.... Original? - A Highlandish Story - Part Two
by Joanne Madge (joanne.madge@chrysalis.org)
---------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: Highlander and its characters belong to Rysher. No infringement
intended, no profit being made. This is a work of parody.
--------------------------------------------

Back at the barge, Mac and Meefus found a note written in Amoura's lipstick
telling Mac to meet Leer at the stereotypical abandoned train station. Alone.

Meefus examined his nails. "It's a trap, don't do it, don't go, save
yourself...."

"I must!" Mac declared heroically and charged out.

Meefus yawned and stretched. "Wonder when it's going to occur to him to stop
allowing his address to be listed in the local phone book? Oh, well. Guess this
is the part where we fade out and hope the audience forgets about me until I
appear just in the nick of time to save Mac's butt in the next scene."

###

In the next scene, Mac charged boldly into the train station. "O'Snort!"

"Lay down your sword, chump!" Leer stepped out from behind a pillar, along with
a few dozen mortal henchmen with guns pointed at Joe and Amoura. "Or they die."

"Ha!" Mac laughed. "Haven't you ever seen the season three episode,
'Testimony'? I licked a ZILLION gun-toting mortal thugs in almost the *same*
situation!"

Leer smirked. "Yeah, but Itchie had already saved *himself* by the time you got
to him. Otherwise he would have been toast."

Mac paused. "Oh yeah, I forgot." He sighed.  "Darn." He hung his head sadly and
keeled down on the ground. "Guess you win after all." He shut his eyes.

"No!" Joe and Amoura cried. "Don't do it, Mac!"

"I must!" Mac answered.

Leer laughed loudly and raised his sword....

Which Meefus - leaping out from his nearby hiding place - promptly shot out of
his hand! (Did you forget about Meefus? Did ya, did ya, huh? And don't ask me
how no one managed to notice a five-thousand-year-old BUZZ in the immediate
vicinity 'cause I have no idea)!

"Hey!" Leer shouted. "That's interference! What happened to the 'one-on-one'
rule?!?"

Meefus hesitated. "Er... well, Mac was unarmed!"

"So was Sean Burns!" Leer pointed out. "You didn't interfere to save *his*
life!"

Meefus thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Oh well, the series is
almost over anyway, who cares about a rule that's been held sacred since
Immortals first walked the earth?" He aimed his gun and started picking off
Leer's mortal henchmen.

"Cheating BASTARDS!" Leer screamed and tossed his sword aside, pulling a gun
out instead. "Die! Die! Die!!" He shot MacClod in the chest.

Mac stumbled backwards a few hundred feet, tripped over some tracks, managed to
get his legs, feet, and other body parts safely off of it, gasped for air,
failed, and.... died. Just then, a train conveniently appeared out of nowhere,
blocking Mac's body from the rest of the melee.

***INSERT NAUSEATING CHOIR MUSIC HERE***

Suddenly, a beam of brilliant light.... er, beamed down upon Mac's still form,
and....

(I just want to apologize in advance for the rest of this plot, okay? I'm
sorry. Really. But gee, every OTHER show in the history of television gets to
do it at least *once* so give us a break here, okay? Okay?!? Sorry.)

....and none other but Hugh Fits-Throwing, Mac's old bud (who looked amazingly
like Roger Daltrey, and who - incidentally - was beheaded near the end of
season three) appeared. "Mac, old thing! How are you?"

Mac gasped to life, then groaned. "Say huh?" he asked pitifully.

Fits chuckled. "Well you are in a state. Get up, lad! There's so much to talk
about!"

Mac lifted his head. "Fits? But.... but it can't be! You're dead!"

"Am I?" Fits grinned and helped him to his feet. "Well, I suppose that's true,
but why should I let that stop me from coming down to help an old
friend-in-need?"

Mac rubbed his face and tried to focus. "Oh man.... PLEASE don't tell me we're
about to do 'It's A Wonderful Life'!"

"Er...." Fits bit his lower lip. "Okay, I won't tell you, then. But what else
were the writers supposed to do to work in all the great characters over the
past six years of this show?"

Dunkin' shrugged. "Well, gee, I don't know," he said sarcastically. "Maybe
something original?"

Fits looked at him blankly.

"Fine." Dunkin' sighed. "I don't suppose we just could just skip this and sit
around remembering the 'good old times' and show a bunch of flashbacks? Maybe
new/old flashbacks.... you know, sort of 'fill in the blank' flashbacks?"

Fits made a face. "Talk about unoriginal. Ah well, come on!"

"Where?"

"Why, into some new/old flashbacks, of course!"

Dunkin' sighed again. "Of course."

###

"Man, cool place." Mac looked around the lush interior garden of the building
where Fits and he materialized.

"And look over there," Fits said, pointing across the room. An attractive lady
in a cute little black number was snuggling with a handsome fellow.

Mac blinked in amazement. "It's Amoura!"

"And here comes her husband!" Fits added. Sure enough, the sound of someone
walking towards the room could be heard. Amoura quickly hustled her lover out
the other way.

Mac smiled. "Typical Amoura."

Fits frowned a bit. "Really? I thought she said she was monogamous last season.
Are you saying she's *typically* a cheating whore?"

"Er...." Dunkin' looked around. "Say, nice plants!"

"Uh-oh, don't look now, laddie...."

"I'm not."

"But our Amoura.... well, not *our* Amoura, but you know.... is about to poison
her husband!"

"What?!" Dunkin' turned back to watch. "I can't believe she would ever do such
a thing!"

Fits shook his head sadly. "Ah, but this Amoura never had *you* to teach her
right from wrong."

Dunkin' scratched his head. "I thought Rebecca - her first Immortal teacher -
taught her all that. Turned her from a illiterate thief into a real lady.
Showed her what decency and friendship could...."

"Look, just play along, will you?!" Fits asked, annoyed. "You're making me look
bad.... you know," he pointed to the ceiling, "up there."

"Oh. Sorry." Dunkin' watched Amoura's poor husband start to lift his drink to
his lips. "But I have to stop him!" Before Fits could say another word, Mac
charged forward and interrupted just in the nick of time.

Amoura looked daggers at him. "What a *pleasant* surprise. Can we help you?"

Just then, the door burst open and a very buff-looking Horrorton and his band
of evil-Watcher/Hunters stormed inside, guns blazing. Amoura shrieked as a
sword was raised above her head....

Suddenly, they were gone. "So you see, laddie...." Fits sat down on the stairs
in the market square he and Dunkin' transported to. "There's nothing you can do
to save Amoura here. It's all fate. Predetermined."

Dunkin' sat down next to him. "Well, if everything that happens to people is up
to 'fate', then I really *didn't* make any difference in anyone's lives!"

"Uh...." Fits thought for a moment. "Well, that's not what I.... I mean to say,
it's all how you look.... Say, why don't we pay Joe a visit?"

Dunkin' grinned. "Great idea!"

###
end of part two
 
 
 

Date: Sat, 30 May 1998 14:36:07 -0500
From: Joanne Madge <joanne.madge@CHRYSALIS.ORG>
Subject: To Be... Original? (3/3)

To Be.... Original? - A Highlandish Story - Part Three
by Joanne Madge (joanne.madge@chrysalis.org)
---------------------------------------------

     "So let the sun shine in,
      face it with a grin.
      Watcher's always lose,
      and Hunters always winnnnnn!"

Joe Duhson sat in a rusted, old antique wheelchair on the street corner,
wearing a really bad wig, playing an out-of-tune guitar and singing with hoarse
gusto.

"My God!" Dunkin' exclaimed.

"Ahem...." Fits looked uncomfortable.

"Oh." Dunkin' looked up. "Sorry. But what the Hel.... Er, what on *earth*
happened to Duhson?!"

"Ah, it's a sad tale, my boy." Fits sighed. "You weren't here to stop Horrorton
and his evil Hunters, so they ended up taking over the Watchers and ousting
Joe. He just couldn't take it."

"Waitasec....." Dunkin' shook his head. "You're telling me a guy who had his
*legs* blown away in 'Nam and was able to come back and work his way into a
high position in the Watchers as well as run *two* successful bars couldn't
handle a dozen mental cases like the Hunters?"

"Righto," Fits replied. "Without you, it never occurred to Joe to do anything
as rash as say, turn to the several hundred *good* Watchers for help. Nope, he
just gave up and went to seed."

"Bummer." Dunkin's thought for a moment. "I should talk to him!" He ran up to
Joe. "Hey, there, pal! Er... I mean, pathetic shell of a man whom I've never
seen before in my life. How's about a tune?"

Joe glanced up at the strange visitor. "Ahhh.... whatever."

Dunkin' pulled out some coins and tossed them to Joe. "How about that old
classic, "Stan, Bite Me" by the TPTB Blues Band?

Joe plucked a few un-melodious notes on his guitar. "Ahh.... whatever."

Dunkin'' made his 'sad, doe-eyed' face. "It meant a whole lot to a good friend
of mine." (Don't bother flipping through your episode guides, folks, they
pulled this reference out of a hat!).

"Ahh.... okay. Whatever." Joe strummed a few more discordant notes and began to
sing:

     "When the season's done, and the show is gone,
      And reruns are all that's left to see.
      Oh, I won't be alarmed, no I won't make a fuss,
      Just as long as I'm signed.... to the movie.

      So darling, DARLING! Stan, bite me. Oh, Stan, bite me.
      You lost out. Got kicked out. Stan, bite meeee...."

He broke off suddenly, making a disgusted face. "Blaugh! That's a *miserable*
song!"

Dunkin' looked at him sympathetically. "No, it was wonderful, really!"

"Ahhh... whatever!" Joe spun his chair around with a defiant squeak and started
to roll away. Before he could get far, though, a young man ran up to him,
gasping frantically.

"Joe! Joe, you have to help us!"

Joe glared up at him. "Who, me? Why on earth would you seek help from a washed
up old drunk in a wheelchair?"

"Uh...." the guy broke off, looking confused.

Right on cue, a large black van came screeching to a stop in front of them. The
ever-more-buff-looking Horrorton sprung out and shot the guy dead. "Ah,
Joseph," he sighed in satisfaction. "You're the best BAIT a man could ask for."

Joe grumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Horrorton cocked his gun.

Joe hunched up his shoulders and started rolling away. "Ahhh.... WHATEVER!"

Horrorton laughed. Furious, Mac ran up to him and tried to take a swing into
the Hunter's face, but his fist just passed harmlessly though. "What the...?"

Fits just smiled. "Can't let you do that, laddie."

Mac frowned. "You let him *shoot* me in the last flashback!"

"Did I?" Fits shrugged. "Ah well, what's a little inconsistency between old
mates?"

"Look," Dunkin' stomped up to him. "Just whose side are you...?"

"Say!" Fits broke in. "What's say we take a look at what Joe does when he's off
duty from his...." he gestured at the street corner, "day job?"

Dunkin' perked up. "Sure, why not! You know, this flashing back into an
alternate realities thing is kind of fun.... I mean, when I'm not getting shot
and stuff."

Fits grinned. "Here we go!"

###

Dunkin' did a double take. Then did it again. "Geez.... this sure is a nice
place for a degenerate! Big, white rooms, floor-to-ceiling windows. The upkeep
alone must cost a fortune!"

"Hey!" Joe snarled from across the room. "Where the hell did you come from?"

"Joe!" Dunkin bounced happily over to the ex-Watcher. "Listen, I've got a
lovely, heart-felt, deeply inspiring speech all prepared just for you!
Ahem...."

"Save it, pal!" Joe huffed. "I already told you I ain't got nothing more to do
for the Watchers! Now get the HELL out of my house!"

Mac blinked at him, stunned. "Man, you sure have a lot of anger and passion for
a guy whose supposed to have given up on everything."

"OUT!!"

"Okay, I'm going, I'm going." Dunkin' sadly left and caught up with Fits on a
nearby bridge. "Gee, Fits, I don't really like this alternate universe anymore.
Can we visit another one?"

Fits frowned. "Another one, my boy?"

Mac shrugged. "Well... yeah. I mean, one of the common alternate reality
theories is based on the theory in non-Euclidean geometry that you can draw
unlimited numbers of lines parallel to a line passing a point.... which arenUt
on the line."

Fits stared at him blankly.

"You know!" Dunkin' spread his arms out. "For every choice every person makes
in their life, there's an alternate choice that an alternate them made instead,
thus creating a.... a *web* if you will of millions upon millions of alternate
realities!"

"Ah." Fits struggled to maintain a facial expression to show he was following
this. He failed. "So?"

"So." Mac smiled. "How's about we visit some more of those realities? Find one
that's more fun than this one."

"Uh.... say, look!" Fits pointed excitedly to a woman strolling along the
walkway below the bridge.

"Fits," Mac said disapprovingly. "You're just trying to distract.... WHOA!"

Fits grinned.

"It's...." Mac pointed. "It's Testa, isn't it? Alternate Testa is *alive* in
this reality! Without me, she'd still be ALIVE!" His lower lip began to quiver.
Fits patted him on the back.

"There, there, old chum. Why don't we take a closer look, hmm? Maybe you won't
feel so bad after all?"

Mac snorted. "Yeah.... right."

End

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