***SPOILER ALERT!***

***SPOILER ALERT!***

***SPOILER ALERT!***

If you have not seen the season six episode, NOT TO BE and do not want it
spoiled, stop reading now! This is #2 of two parodies I'm writing based
on the series finale. The first - TO BE.... ORIGINAL? - (as well as many
other parodies and stories) can be found at my new website:
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dungeon/9847/hl.html, as well as Ann
Fountain's wonderful website:
http://www.seventh-dimension.simplenet.com/. Or feel free to write me for
copies.

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Thanks to everyone who have given me such wonderful feedback! I've tried
to be good about answering everyone, but if I've missed you, please let
me know. Thank you also for all the great suggestions for future parodies
and stories. Keep 'em coming! ;)

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DISCLAIMER: Highlander and its characters belong to Rysher. No
infringement intended, no profit being made. This is a work of parody.

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"Testa's alive?" Dunkin's face was in 'full pout' mode. Under the bridge
where he and his angel/old friend Fits-Throwing were standing, Testa
strolled aimlessly along the Parisian street like that girl in the 'Truly
Madly Deeply' video, but with better hair. "She'd really be alive without
me in her life?" Mac added with a quiver in his voice.

Fits looked sadly at his friend. "Well, yes, but...."

"Mummy! Mummy!" Two adorable little children ran towards Testa, arms
opened wide.

"Ugh!" Dunkin' nearly doubled over. "Not only alive, but reproductive as
well!" He turned to go, his hands over his face. "Thanks a HEAP, Fits!"

Fits put a hand on his shoulder. "Wait just a second, laddie! Things
aren't always as they first appear."

Dunkin' turned back hopefully. "Y... you mean those aren't really her
kids?"

"Er...." Fits swallowed uncomfortably. "Well, yes they are, but...."

Dunkin' turned away again.

"No! Wait.... look. Let's try another angle, shall we?"

Suddenly they were standing before an expensive-looking art gallery. The
plaque over the door declared, "Testa Nosell's Le Expensive Le Art
Gallery". Dunkin' looked up at it, his eyes pools of sorrow. "And
successful, too!"

"Not really!" Fits answered happily. "Her husband paid for it."

Dunkin' shrugged. "So? I paid for everything she had in *my* reality,
too! When we met she was the hostess on a tourist boat!"

"Let's go inside!" Fits prodded.

"Oh.... okay. If you insist." Dunkin' sighed again and entered the
gallery....

....and THERE she was. There -wearing a drab-colored, but deliciously
tight gray dress - was Testa. His lost love, the light of his life,
the.... "May I help you?" she asked.

He stared deeply into the ocean blue depths of her eyes. "Yes."

She smiled at him, her dimples perfect. "Yes?"

Dunkin' sighed deeply, afraid his heart would burst. "Yes.... please."

She looked away for a moment, then back at him, a new awareness in her
eyes. "Ah.... yes."

He could barely catch his breath. "Yes?"

She seemed to consider a moment longer, then nodded. "Yes, all right."

He threw his arms open. "Oh.... Testa!"

"Will that be cash or credit card?" she asked politely.

"Huh?" He asked, mind going blank.

"The statue." She pointed to a sculpture of a naked, headless, female
body next to him, and he suddenly realized he'd been absent-mindedly
stroking it with his hand. "Cash or credit card?" She hesitated, frowning
slightly. "You *did* want to buy it, yes?"

"Oh!" He pulled his hand away from the statue. "Yes! Uh, I mean no! I
mean...."

Her frown deepened.

He touched Testa's shoulder. "It's wonderful! I mean, you're wonderful!
As.... as an artist!"

"Oh!" She smiled again. "Are you familiar with my work?"

He nodded vigorously. "Oh yes! We.... uh, went to school together. I'm
your biggest fan!"

Her smile lit up like the sun. "Would you like to have an affair?"

He blinked. "What?"

"Uh.... drink!" she took a step back from him. "Would you like to go
somewhere for a drink?"

"Oh...." He gazed lovingly at her. "Yes!"

###

In a nearby pub, Testa and Dunkin' sat across from each other at a little
round table, leaning close together as Dunkin' lied though his teeth
about Testa's art and college life.

"Oh, Dunkin'," Testa sighed after awhile. "I don't know why, but I feel
like I've known you for years!"

Dunkin' just grinned at her with a silly expression on his face. "Imagine
that."

"Darling!" A proper-looking, nicely dressed English chap suddenly burst
into the shop, effectively raining on their parade. "Here you are!"

Testa blanched. "Oh...." She waved weakly towards the man without looking
up. "Dunkin' meet...." She retched slightly, "my husband."

The man shook Dunkin's hand while Testa discretely vomited into her
purse. "She always does that when I enter the room, " he explained to a
startled Mac. "Isn't it sweet?"

"Ah," Dunkin' answered uncommitally.

"Say!" the husband added. "Why don't you join Testa and I for dinner
tonight?"

"Um...." Dunkin' started.

"Wonderful! See you at sex! Er... six!" He helped a green Testa to her
feet. "Come along, darling."

After they'd left, Fits joined Dunkin' at the table, drink in hand.
"You're playing with fire, my boy," he said unhelpfully.

Dunkin' gave him a dirty look. "Who was it who dragged me into the middle
of this?"

Fits attempted an innocent look, failed, then took a swig of his black
and tan. "Ah well," he said after a moment. "It's just dinner after all.
What could go wrong?"

###

Five minutes after Dunkin' arrived for dinner, Testa's husband announced
that he had to leave on business. "I won't be home for hours.... for the
rest of the night, at least. Maybe longer."

Testa beamed.

Dunkin' gulped.

"So sorry," her husband added, giving Dunkin's hand a quick shake.
"Please feel free to stay and keep my gorgeous, lonely wife company.
Dinner's almost ready. Steamy hot roast chicken,  spicy caviar...."

"Gee, I'd really...." Dunkin' attempted.

"Lots of heady wine...."

"That's very kind, but...."

"And strawberries and whipped cream for dessert."

Dunkin' opened his mouth, shut it. He glanced a Testa. She smiled
brilliantly. He jumped up and shoved Testa's husband towards the door.
"Well, don't let us keep you, then! Have a great trip!"

***SIX OR SEVEN HOURS LATER...***

Dunkin' woke up and realized Testa was no longer in bed with him. He
wrapped a sheet around his naked body and padded across the cold floor
until he spotted her in the studio. She was sniffling and wiping her
eyes. "Tess!" he exclaimed in alarm. "What's wrong!"

"Oh!" she cried. "I feel so.... so.... GUILTY! My husband. My children!"

Dunkin' pulled his sheet a little closer around himself. "Well, gee....
you didn't seem to have any problems while you were seducing my bones off
for the entire past afternoon, evening, and half the night. *Now* you
feel guilty?"

She smiled suddenly. "Well, not really, but we don't want to leave the
viewers with their final impression of me being a *total* ungrateful
slut." She turned away. "Please leave."

"But...."

"No! It's best this way!" She left the room and shut the door behind her.

"But...." Dunkin' said to the empty room. "I need to.... My clothes are
still in.... Uh, Testa?"

###
End of part one
 
 
 

From: Joanne Madge <j0lander@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Not! (2/3)

Not! - A Highlandish Story (Part Two)
by Joanne Madge (j0lander@juno.com)
---------------------------------------------
 

"Boy, Fits." Dunkin' knocked back his fifth drink in as many minutes. "I
feel like a complete chump. Why'd you put me in the middle of that?"

"Ah, laddie...." Fits smiled benevolently at his old friend. "You didn't
create the emptiness in her life, you just made her look at it. If she
didn't cheat with you, it would have been someone else. You didn't really
destroy her life, you.... you merely gave her a bit of relief from it!"

Mac beamed through his boozy haze. "Wow.... thanks, Fits. You sure can
make a guy feel better."

Fits lowered his head humbly. "Oh, it's nothing, really. A fellow learns
a lot of shallow rationalizations in several hundred years of
philandering."

Dunkin's happy look faded a bit. "Oh."

"You miserable TART!"

Dunkin's head shot up. "Now, that's going a bit too...."

Fits stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Wasn't me, old chap.
Look."

Dunkin' looked. A few tables over was none other than Meefus. Dunkin'
pointed. "It's none other than Meefus!"

"Don't echo the narrative, lad."

"Huh?"

Meefus pounded a fist down onto his table. "What does it take to get some
beer around here? Waitress!"

Dunkin' grinned. "He hasn't changed a bit."

Fits stood, pulling Mac up with him. "Well, let me put it this way...."

Suddenly they were standing before the window of a large studio
apartment. "Could have let me finish my drink," Dunkin' pouted.

"Shh!" Fits pointed though the glass. "Watch."

Dunkin' peered obediently. Inside, Meefus was gazing lovingly into a
young woman's eyes. Dunkin' looked ack around at Fits. "Why are we
hiding? They can't see us unless you want them to, right?"

"Shh!" Fits repeated. "If you don't mind, I am *trying* to hear what they
are saying!"

Mac stuck his tongue out at him. "Voyeur." But he turned back to continue
watching.

"Meefus," the woman - who, incidentally, bore an amazing resemblance to
the girl in the 'Haunted' flashback - said. "If you'd only tell Horrorton
and those evil Watchers you were Immortal, I'm sure they'd completely
change their philosophy and quit hunting your kind!"

Meefus gently cupped her face in his hands. "You are such a complete,
naive moron."

She smiled blankly at him.

"Will you marry me?" he added.

Her grin brightened. "Sure!"

Just then, the door burst open and Horrorton stepped in, flanked on
either side by gun-toting Watchers.

Meefus looked at her. "You told them?" She continued to beam. "Too bad."

The Watchers opened fire.

###

"So, laddie...." Fits and Mac were suddenly standing on a street corner.
"The evil Watchers killed Meefus' true love and he teamed up with
Kroneold, and...."

"Hey!" Dunkin' butt in. "Why do you keep cutting away just when a scene
starts getting interesting?"

"I am trying to show you how much worse everyone's lives would have been
if you were never born! What does interesting have to do with it?"

Dunkin' scratched his head.

"Where was I?" Fits asked. "Ah, yes, so Meefus became completely bitter
and tossed out thousands of years worth of personal growth to become a
Horseman again."

Dunkin' made a face. "You're stretching credibility here, pal."

"They made the Russian Mafia look like the Vienna Boy's Choir."

"Stretching.... stretching...."

"But they weren't able to kill Horrorton or even put a dent in the evil
Watchers."

Dunkin' threw his hands up in exasperation. "Okay, now this is just
getting silly! And I suppose you're going to tell me that all this
heinous yet inconsistent destruction would never have happened if I'd
been around?"

Fits shrugged. "That is the premise, yes."

"Let me get this straight. We spent nearly all of season five showing me
come to terms with the fact that I'm far from perfect, I don't know
everything there is to know, but I do the best I can, and now I'm the
savior of all I meet?!"

"Um...." Fits swallowed uncomfortably. "Well, Jimmy Stewart never
complained about it."

Dunkin' thought a moment. "Point." He perked up. "Okay, so how about
Itchie?"

"Ah...." Fits shook his head. "Another sad tale."

"Of course. What happened?"

"Well...." Fits waved a hand and they were standing before a rich Mexican
villa. "Itchie remained a thief, then got shot. Meefus adopted him."

Dunkin' stared at Fits. "Meefus, Kroneold, and.... Itchie?"

"Absolutely! So anyway...."

"Look." Dunkin' crossed his arms. "Not only is that utterly unbelievable,
it's mondo coincidental."

Fits stomped a foot. "Do you have any idea how much this episode is
costing already with so many of the regulars appearing? You want us to
pay MORE for extras?"

"Well.... okay, fine." Mac sighed. "So what happened to Itchie?"

Fits lowered his head sadly. "Meefus and Kroneold sent him to kill
Joe...."

"Why?" Mac interrupted. "Surely Meefus would have known from his time
with Jilly that Joe was on his side."

"Look!" Fits shot back. "Whose story is this?"

"Sorry, sorry...." Mac lifted his hands. "Geez, you're touchy for a dead
guy."

"So...." Fits continued. "As you can see, Itchie didn't have the heart to
shoot Joe." Sure enough, they were suddenly in the room with Itchie and
Joe. Itchie's hands shook as he tried to aim at Joe, and finally he gave
up altogether.

Mac frowned, seemingly unmoved by seeing his dead student re-animated
before his eyes. "Gee," he observed. "Joe isn't all un-washed and
disheveled in this scene, even though it has to be some time *after*
Horrorton and his bunch took over the Watchers  - and killed Meefus'
girlfriend in that earlier scene."

"If you don't mind," Fits said huffily.

Mac rolled his eyes. "Go on."

"So.... Itchie went crawling back without fulfilling his mission and
Meefus took his head, and...."

Dunkin' gasped. "Y... you mean, he whacked his own student?"

"'Fraid so. Er...." Fits shifted from foot to foot. "Now I know you've
probably noticed that this means that Itchie's fate wasn't ultimately all
that *different* without you in his life, but...."

"That BASTARD!"

"Uh.... I mean, considering you did almost exactly the same...."

"Where is he?" Mac demanded. "I'll kill him!"

"He's, ah...." Fits hesitated. "You're kidding, right?"

"No!" Dunkin' stomped his foot. "Take me to him!"

"Well...." Fits shrugged. "Okay, what the heck. I suppose it would inject
a little action." He waved a hand.

###
End of part two
 
 
 
 

From: Joanne Madge <j0lander@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Not! (3/3)

Not! - A Highlandish Story (Part Three)
by Joanne Madge (j0lander@juno.com)
---------------------------------------------

Mac found himself standing in an abandoned warehouse. Or.... maybe not so
abandoned.

"Tell us, old man...." Kroneold's voice echoed from around the corner.
"Where is Horrorton hiding?"

"Yeah," Meefus voice added. "We have to kill him. Word has it the Vienna
Boy's Choir is starting to laugh at us."

Mac peeked around the aforementioned corner. Joe Duhson  - the messy,
bummed version - sat in his ancient wheelchair, Meefus and Kroneold
towering threateningly over him. "Never!" he spat at them. "I'll never
tell you where he is!"

"Why?!" Meefus and Kroneold asked in unison.

"Well...." Joe hesitated and rubbed his chin. "That's a good question.
I'm not sure, really. I mean, he's ruined my life. It would stop him from
slaughtering any more Immortals, but.... I won't tell you!" He crossed
his arms stubbornly.

Kroneold glanced at Meefus. "Kill him."

"Right."

"No joke," Dunkin' murmured. He blinked. "Hey, wait a second!"

"Who's there?" Kroneold called. He drew his sword and headed around the
corner. Meefus politely waited for him.

Mac whipped Kroneold in ten seconds. (Okay, so maybe without Dunkin'
MacClod in his world, Kroneold wasn't as brilliant a swordsman. Who
knows?) However, instead of taking his head, Mac just whacked him on the
knoggin. Why? Uh....

Anyway, Mac ran around the corner and took-on Meefus. Of course he won.
He raised his sword to strike Meefus' neck.

"Wait!" Fits called. "I thought you didn't want any more of your friends
to die because of you! Just because in *this* reality...."

"Au, shaddup," Mac snapped and slashed downwards....

###

"So, anyway," Fits continued in the suddenly empty warehouse. "This is
what the world would be like without you. Meefus and Kroneold killed Joe,
and...."

"Hey!" Mac cut in. "You mean to say that everything I just did in the
last scene didn't really happen?"

Fits shrugged.

"What a GYP!" Dunkin' snorted.

"Well, look, laddie...."

"Wait...." Mac's face suddenly lit up. "Then does that mean that me and
Testa...?"

Fits grimaced. "That *did* happen, I'm afraid."

"Aw, no fair!"

Fits shrugged again. "Sorry, old bean. Anyway, it's time for you to go
back."

"Thank God."

"What's that?"

"Uh...." Dunkin' cleared his throat. "I mean, well, if you insist."

"More like it." Fits waved both hands in the air. "Now all you have to do
is click your heels together and say, 'there's no place like re-runs,
there's no place like re-runs....'."

"Hah!" Mac snorted. "Didn't you hear? I'm already signed to star in the
next movie!"

"Oh!" Fits considered for a moment, then grinned hopefully. "And what
about all the *other* wonderful characters who made this show so
popular?"

Mac blinked. "Who?"

"Ah.... never mind." Fits clapped.

*****POOF!!*****

###

Well, Mac woke up back in the abandoned wherever-he-was and proceeded to
defeat the bad guy, whatever his name was - I've forgotten - with Meefus'
help. Afterwards, the four friends stood around and said nice, warm
fuzzy, end-of-the-series things to each other and no one so much as
mentioned Itchie.

"Oh, Dunkin'," Amoura finally said. "I thought I'd lost you."

"Never again," Mac replied and walked off in a swirl of dramatic fog.
Music swelled triumphantly, so he was unable to hear Amoura come back
with, "Huh? Never again WHAT? You'll never risk your neck for me again,
is that it? You BAS...."

Anyway, the scene faded out to a montage of clips showing scenes of
people over the past six seasons, but skipping over many of the regulars
for some contractual reason or another.

As the scene faded, Bonny Portmore began to play, only the words were
slightly different this time:

     O, Bonny Highlander, I am starting to scorn
     Such a woeful destruction of such good characters.
     For I so loved to watch them in seasons one through five,
     Till the ep called Archangel, then the show took a dive!

     Many fans at home watching, they bitterly weep,
     Saying, "Take back 'New Duncan', his short hair, clothes and jeep!
     Why have they killed Richie? Where is Joe and Methos?
     What happened to Amanda? We are feeling quite cross!"

     O, Bonny Highlander, explain to me, please
     Why your recycled plotline has more holes than Swiss cheese.
     If you kept the quality you had once before,
     I'd be more looking forward to Highlander Four!

End

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