I've been going to church since I was in the third grade. I learned all the stories about Moses and David, and I learned "Jesus Loves Me" and all those other goodies but oldies. I went to church every Sunday and learned my memory verse every week. And I hated it. My parents would have to drag me kicking and screaming to church every morning. I really hated it.

Then, I got to junior high and realized that a lot of people thought that if people found out that you went to church, you just weren't cool. But the unfortunate thing is, I also found out that in order to be cool at church, you had to be holy. And to cap that, Mom was gonna make me go to school and church. Dilemma. But, being the genius I am, I soon found a remedy to this situation. I would be cool at school by cussing and being a "bad girl", and I would be cool at church by being a good girl and pretending to love the God that I hated for putting me in a world where you couldn't be good and have fun at the same time. Unfortunately, I was powerfully uncool, no matter how cool I tried to be. I was discontent with life, and thought that I would be happy, if only I could be popular and loved by everyone.

In terms of church, I didn't really even think about it; I just did it. I kept up a sham of loving God when I actually hated having to obey Him. All the way to the eleventh grade, I never questioned the fact that God loved me or that I was going to this place called "heaven". Of course He loved me; I was so good! I tried to do so many nice things to appease Him! God wouldn't send a good kid like me to hell. But on the inside, I was still a little selfish brat that always had to have her own way, and an obnoxious, cocky high school kid that thought she knew more than anybody. To tell you the truth, I hated myself. It was just that I hated everybody else more.

For those of you that have done that Navigator's Bible study, "Studies in Christian Living", you ought to recognize this format from Book Two, "Beginning a New Life". But I digress.

Well, my slow road to Christ began when Julie Hong asked me if I wanted to start doing a small group, discipleship-type Bible study with her, Sue Park, and Elaine Chyo. I didn't really want to do it, not caring much for the Bible, but I thought, "God forbid anyone should think I'm not as holy as anyone else!" So I told her I'd LOVE to do Bible study! Boy, did I ever NOT know what I was getting into.

Well, I did Bible study for about a year without any change in my life. I was pretty good at regurgitating facts. But one great thing about Scripture memory is that sometimes, you just can't get it out of your head. And when you know Julie's gonna inevitably find out whether or not you did your Quiet Time or Bible reading, you gotta do it. All this accountability starting taking its toll on me. I actually began to retain some of the stuff I was supposed to be learning. Somewhere along the line, I started doing Bible study because I really wanted to know, not just to impress everyone who I thought was watching. I started to find the Bible interesting, and I actually started to feel like I couldn't hang with the Big Guy. The change was so gradual that I didn't even realize that it had happened until after the fact. But the fact remains that, somewhere in the summer before my junior year of high school, I went from doing things by my own ability in order to please people to doing things by God's grace in order to please Him alone.

I didn't even really know the difference until one day in my first year at UCI, when I happened to come across Romans 3 in my Bible reading. I read that "There is no one righteous, not even one. There is no one who does good; there is no one who seeks God" (Romans 3:10). This came as such a shock to me; I thought that I'd always been good and that I'd always been seeking God. I suddenly realized that all of the things I thought I had been doing for Him early on in life were not for Him at all, but for me. But I was so blessed to read on through the rest of Romans and see that He didn't save me because I was good; He saved me because I was helpless and alone; powerless to stop my headlong slide into hell. Such is God's grace; to save a sinner and make him His.

Well, I'm pretty involved in church, but not because everyone's watching. In fact, I've discovered something big: I'm not as important as I think I am. Besides, there's only one person watching that I need to worry about -- God. I'm still a filthy sinner, as I am continually rediscovering. I'll never be immune to sin. But, hey, God's grace covers over that. He demands perfection, but He expects failure. And He always gives more grace to me, so that I'm sanctified more and more each day. It seems like quite a price to pay, and some even think that God may be getting the better end of that deal. Trust me, he's NOT.

It's like, you're driving a Hyundai Excel, and God wants it, so you give it to him. He doesn't really need the Excel; why would anyone want to drive an Excel on purpose? What he wants to do is take your Hyundai and add cool stuff until it's like a Ferrari F50. Wow! And he still lets you drive it everyday while he's working on it! And he'll be working on it everyday, making it a better car, as long as you have it. Whoa. Got a little carried away with the car analogy, there. But I'm sure you get the point. So far, I think I'm still an Excel, but I've got a new paint job, I'm lowered, and maybe I've got an HKS Air Filter System, and maybe even some NOS. But I am still just an Excel. Fortunately, God is working on me daily, and making me more and more in the image of His Son. And I have heaven to look forward to.

Well, that's about it. If you liked the story and would like to talk to me about it, send me an e-mail or something. I'd love to get some feedback.

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