Dear Liberal:
Thank you for your
recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment
of the Taliban and
El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the
Administration's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be
pleased to learn
that the Administration has decided to place one
detainee under
your exclusive care. Your detainee is
scheduled to be
delivered to your
personal residence on Monday.
The detainee is to
be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly
Recommended in
your letter of admonishment.
It will be
necessary that you hire your own caretakers. we will also
conduct weekly
inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is
actually being
cared for in the manner you personally prescribed. His
meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that
do not require
utensils.
While he does
bite, the rabies test was negative, although he does have
a bad case of body
lice that we haven't completely remedied.
Although he is
sociopath and very psychotic, we do welcome your
promised efforts
to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your
promised
counseling and home schooling.
He's extremely
proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish
human life with
such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not
suggest that you
ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your
next bridge party.
He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal
bombs from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those
items locked up,
notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral
values or disrupt
your maid's daily routine.
Please heed the
large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage.
"Does not
play well with others".
Your detainee
generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,
assuming that it
rains, and washes his clothes
simultaneously. That
should help with
your water bill.
Be assured, your
detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds,
but is
especially fond of
cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.
You take good care
of our detainee now.