I need help!

I love food. I love to eat. I've been gaining a lot of weight lately. All day I think about food. When I finish lunch I think about what I'm going to have for dinner. I'm compulsive. I'm getting a little pot belly. Fortunately, I'm petite to begin with and have an exceedingly fast metabolism; otherwise I'm sure I would have ballooned up to...erm, epic proportions by now. People say the extra pounds don't show. But I know. I can feel it when I pull on those old comfy jeans that aren't so comfy anymore.

I think I've become obsessed with food because I have no money and I'm not getting any sex. What's left but food? I have to indulge in something. I think that if I could just get laid a couple times a month I'd be able to keep my weight down. That at least seems more feasible than me suddenly coming into a lot of money. My friends have taken up a collection, the "Keep Jen from getting fat" fund, in attempts to get me that other elusive item in the triad, money. So far I've received 62¢, which is just enough to get me two hamburgers at McDonald's on Wednesdays. Oh, there I go thinking about food again...

While it's true that lots of money would then give me the means to really gorge myself on sushi and chicken burritos all the time, I think I'd find other, less fattening ways of spending my time and money, like traveling, gambling, or stuffing $5 bills into Kyle's briefs down at the local all male revue.

So I'm planning a weight loss strategy of my own, but I can't do it alone. I need a man, I need sex, and I need it now, before I become the poster girl for the Renaissance art revival. I'm counting on you, dear readers, to help me out. Send me money, or send me a man, soon. I'm getting tired of masturbating with only the corpulent velocity held in my poor, chubby little fingers.


Go Back