Phil needs your help!

Listen. I'm trying to get my friend laid. I'm not sure why it is he needs my help; he's a self-proclaimed bad ass sex machine daddy. Perhaps he is the only one that thinks so. But he's cute. OK, so he stays inside his house in front of a computer 18 hours a day. He owns his own internet business! And he's funny. So maybe he's a little socially awkward. He's a little inexperienced and shy! See, the thing is, Philip doesn't just want to get laid, he wants a girlfriend, the silly man. He won't have sex with me until our 15th date. Since he lives in Washington, the likelihood of our even having one date is 3%, plus or minus 3 points. Here is his profile:

philip is prone to infatuation. especially if you're cute, intelligent, and don't spend too much time in the bathroom fussing about your hair. especially if you write engaging emails that can hold his short attention span. especially if you speak your mind, are honest, and would dance with him when no one else is dancing. especially if you can find his ticklish spot. especially if you appreciate his weird sense of humor. especially if you'll scream at him while he sings and plays the tambourine. especially if you make him laugh and rarely make him cry. especially if you inspire him. philip sometimes refers to himself in the third person, a bad habit he picked up from me. i always say what i think. i don't play games, unless you ask real nice. i am vegan for health and morally corrupt reasons. i own my own business. ask me anything and i will answer, it need not be a yes or no question. i have an exceptional cat named kinder that can make you fall in love with him instantaneously. he is currently teaching me his feline skills. i can now lick my own back!

Phil is still trying to get over an ex-girlfriend. He thinks he's still in love with her, just because he hasn't had "closure" with her, because he was a bad boyfriend and stopped making her little origami cranes and sending her love notes, because he has some lingering sense of guilt over not performing cunnilingus enough. A punishable crime, to be sure, but that's in the past now. I told him the best way to get over someone is to fuck somebody else. I think he's willing to try; I think he's even ready to give more in the way of oral fun, but I need your help. I turn to you, my sexy readers. Please help this poor boy get over the wretched ex. You know you want to talk to Philip. He's cool, and he'll send you more G-rated pictures if you just ask. (Reqeust the X-rated ones from Jen.) Email him at: waterisgood@hotmail.com. All I ask is that you name your first born after me. Jennifer if it is a girl, and Nifer if it is a boy. An Ode to Philip Back to TART