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I like to hack up thick yellow phlegm from my throat and lungs.
Is it just me? I don't think so. It's such a power trip, this ability
to hurtle something stickily lodged along my respiratory tract up and
out of my body. Sometimes I spit it right out, and if I calculate the
trajectory and velocity just right I can usually hit some specified
target. Other times I like to hold it in my mouth like a soft golden
trophy, my tongue pushing the slime to and fro until it becomes thin
and diluted with saliva. Sometimes I just swallow it right back down
to see if I can hack it up again. |
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I like to keep expectorants well stocked in my house. I stash some in the bathroom, a bit in the kitchen, and I keep a little hidden under the sofa, just in case. My favorite stuff is the purple Dimetapp. Mmm... grape syrup and alcohol. Two great tastes that go great together. My friends think I'm addicted. But they just don't understand. It's not the alcohol that I crave. Not even the sweet syrupy goodness in every swig. It's all about the mucus, baby. |
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Maybe if I was a boy I wouldn't need the expectorant to enhance my hack.
My brother is able to hack up phlegm at will. For that matter, just
about every boy I know is able to do the same. As a girl, I feel cheated.
Why wasn't I taught how to "hock a loogie" as a child? I developed
other socially inappropriate male behavior patterns from hanging around
my brother and his friends... why not the spitting? If I had no aspirations
as a child to become adept at savoring or expelling the yellow goo, I
certainly do now. And I'm just a little indignant that my brother's
got years of experience on me. I suppose I could just start smoking. It's just such a dirty habit, though. The folks here in California really look down on smoking. It's become unacceptable in our civilized, health-conscious society. And what would I do in bars? I'm sorry, but drinking beer and hocking loogies just go together. I can always claim a cold and get away with hauling my Dimetapp anywhere I go, restaurants, bars, stadiums, you name it. But cigarettes? Not in this state. Not anymore. No, I'm just going to have to stick to the tried and true method. Friends and family be damned, I firmly stand by Dimetapp and the whole Whitehall-Robins family of products. Copyright 1998 Jennifer Chung All rights reserved and regurgitated at will. |