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My friends are always complaining to me about their love lives. I’m not sure why that is;
it’s not like I’m able to give them particularly sage advice. And Lord knows I’m incapable of
empathy. Oh, sure, I’ve had my share of relationships, but most of them were disastrous.
For the life of me I can’t figure out why anyone would come to me when dealing with matters of
the heart. I mean, you wouldn’t go to the Fran Drescher School of Radio Broadcasting, would you? And yet the lovelorn come to me in droves. “Jen, why can’t I find a boyfriend?” “Jen, my girlfriend talks about the most mundane things, she’s starting to bore me.” “Jen, he’s completely obsessed with me. How do I get him to back off?” “Jen, she’s starting to annoy me...” “Jen, I caught him shaving his back. Do you know how disgusting that is?” “Jen, why can’t I find a girl as cool and beautiful as you that would actually wanna date my sorry ass?” What it comes down to is that those who ARE in relationships wish they weren’t, and those that AREN’T wish they were. Well, I think I’ve finally hit upon the perfect solution, and I’d like to help you out. My own boyfriend is currently overseas for a year (not in the military, just kicking heroin... but that’s another story), and you wouldn’t believe how enjoyable and fulfilling our relationship is now. I know what you must be thinking... How could a year of loneliness and suffering possibly be the solution to the relationship quandary?? Listen. While your partner is away (temporarily is good, permanently with empty promises to return is ideal), the most important aspect of the relationship is that they are no longer around to bother you!! They can no longer usurp your time and resources with vapid conversation or constant pestering for “quality time,” dinners and movies, money to support their drug dependency, etc, etc... Furthermore, you’ll find that once he or she is gone, all those little habits and mannerisms that annoyed you so much actually become cute again! You’ll yearn for the days when you cringed at her piggish snorting laugh, or stared in horror at his minor but flagrant facial ticks. Two things can happen in this relationship. You might pine and sigh over your lover’s absence, and, strangely enough, the romance may grow in the denial of physical pleasure. Or, you could become uptight and aggressive due to the lack convenient, easily accessible sex. I want to remind you that terms of outside sexual encounter agreements are entirely up to you and can always be modified. You may decide to use the long distance relationship for your emotional and psychological needs, but turn to the local bar scene for your physical and sexual needs. You might even find that your pathetic situation reels other lovers in. There is an incredible amount of tragic romance in having a lover far away from you. Men who have tried this method find that women actually pay more attention to them once they reveal that they have a long distance lover. I’m not sure whether this is due to a sympathy factor or the perception that this male now represents an overwhelming penile challenge (a shamefully naive assessment - no penis is ever a challenge). Most probably it is this third scenario: the woman thinks to herself, “He’s waiting for a girl who’s out of the country. That is so sweet!! What a nice guy!” And as the weight of these words sinks in, the horns sprout from her forehead and in her mind she’s furrowing her brows, grinding her teeth, and getting angry, actually getting worked into a frenzy, over some woman overseas whom she doesn’t even know but now suddenly hates because this mysterious woman has the only nice guy in the world firmly whipped, and she’s certain to be better looking than his little Euro-trash hussy who probably doesn’t deserve a nice guy anyway, so she’ll just make sure he’s not so nice after a night of making sweet love to her (insert maniacal laugh here). But whatever the reason, women seem to be drawn to the romance. Let’s face it, Titanic would have been lame if Jack had survived. I think you’ll find that being in this type of relationship gives you the best of both worlds. It gives you relationship status without the headaches of a relationship. Incidentally, this method tends to appease Jewish mothers who would rush headlong into grandmotherhood despite their sons’ fear of commitment. Works well for Chinese women, too. Tell your mother he's a doctor with all the right birth numbers, she'll never meet him anyway! Perhaps you are now convinced and ready to find your own long distance lover. I met my boyfriend here in the states and he willingly went away (OK, he had to; the cops were closing in). Sometimes fate intervenes and these things happen. Most aren’t so lucky. Aside from actually forcing your significant other to leave the country (which can be done quite easily with the help of one Guido Carlucci, a bag of cocaine, and a blood-smeared gun... but that’s another story), it’s probably easier to find someone who already lives overseas. The easiest way to meet someone who lives far away is by frequenting internet chat rooms. There are a myriad of chat rooms and websites where you can find international penpals and lovers. There’s literally something out there for everyone, and if it’s your thing, you can hook up with Russian amputee women, gay Republican cowboys, Asian hermaphrodites, you name it. Once you establish a rapport with a subject and instill some false sense of security and trust (i.e., they feel confident you’re not an axe murderer, and you live too far away to come get them even if you are), you should begin to maintain contact primarily through postal letters, these being of a more personal nature and thereby evoking grander romantic notions. When choosing a subject for this long distance romance, it would behoove you to choose a writer, or, um, even better, an editor... Trust me, the letters will be that much better. Try to avoid asking for a photograph from the subject, as you will most likely be sorely disappointed. Instead, procure a written description of their appearance; the imagination is always better than reality. Remember to include a variety of flowery phrases and impassioned exclamations of your love in order to produce a heightened sense of romance. I suggest the Edgewise Cafe Poetry Workshop on WBS (http://wbs.net). There you’ll find plenty of lonely writers with a flare for the dramatic and a good handle on english grammar and spelling. Just don’t fall in love. Remember, romance and the appearance of a relationship are one thing... actually falling in love could be painful. Next time we’ll arm you with some original flowery discourse with which to woo your pseudo-lover. Until then, good luck, and don’t come to me with your complaints! Copyright 1998 Jennifer Chung All rights reserved. Email: Talia73@hotmail.com |