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I’ve tried to tell him with my eyes. Those moments just before sleep
when we talk in hushed tones and he strokes my hair and I run my fingers
along the musculature of his left arm. I look into those gentle blue
eyes and I think they understand everything I’m trying to tell them. I
send the thoughts psychically, too, just to make sure. And right on cue
he tells me he loves me. I haven’t been able to formulate the words yet.
They are thoughts and feelings that overwhelm me at times but somehow I
find them hard to vocalize. He calls me from a payphone on the other side of town. He misses me sorely. We talk about the day, about work, about how my house hunting is proceeding. He worries that I am growing distant. He thinks he’s on borrowed time with me. He needs to know how I feel, if I could love him, if I could be with him forever. Perhaps I could. But forever is a long time and ever so far away. The phone clicks and cuts out. Please deposit 10 cents for another minute. Hello? Thank you. I have to be honest with him. I have misgivings. I have doubts. I have a history of pain that has marred me. What is it you want from me? My soul. A nervous joke. The reality? No less than everything. My love, respect, admiration, trust, companionship. A commitment. I can’t give those things away. They have to be earned. He says he knows this, and that he is willing to do whatever it takes. Please deposit 10 cents. ... Thank you. Click. Thank you. Are you there? You’re so idealistic. I used to be that way too. But the world has let me down. It’s not that I’m a cynic, I’m just skeptical. You’re so afraid, he says to me. You’ve said things. You’ve let your guard down in rare moments. Your eyes have spoken to me, he says. I suck my breath in and hold it for a moment. So then, he knows. He simply wants confirmation of what I have been half denying to myself. Sometimes, I say with breathy pause, when we are together, and I look at you, I feel a tearing in my chest. I watch you and every movement pains me. My head and heart and hands ache with longing and silent expressions and unspoken words. He says it pains him that I cannot or will not express them. I can hear the sadness in his voice along with the seed of hope in the words I have just spoken. And in this moment I am moved to an epiphany. A burst of emotion, of courage, and I say the truth is I do love you. Very much. Silence. Please deposit 10 cents. 10 cents for one minute. Click. Thank you. Jen? Thank you. Jen? I didn’t catch what you just said. The truth is what? And the moment has passed. Copyright 12/98 Jennifer Chung All rights reserved. Please hang up now. |