Wouldn't it be nice if ex-boyfriends would just go away? They're so creepy sometimes. This is an ode to my exes. Imagine it sung to the tune of Alanis Morisette’s “Unsent,” if you can find a tune a that song...
Dear Darren,
You were the first.
We only had three months together
But I was so in love.
Then you went away
And then you came back gay
And I will always remember the important things that you taught me.
Always to be suspicious of men
Who have authoritarian father figures
And are a little too close to their mothers.
Dear Michael,
You still live at home.
Now that you’re 28 don’t you think you should move out?
Get a job and maybe get a car...
Dear Cortland,
We’ll always be friends.
But it’s disturbing to me the way that you carry on
With the parapalegic girls
And the ones that don’t speak English too well.
You’re not a bad looking guy,
If you just keep your mouth shut.
Dear Jason,
It was cool to know you.
But I wasn’t the one who made you fat
So don’t resent me.
Why were you such a dick to my brother
When you saw him at that party just a couple weeks ago?
Dear Jim,
I just can’t lie.
You were the creepiest person I ever had sex with
And I really regret it.
You always wanted to talk everything to death
And we never agreed about anything.
And those life-sized portraits of Sai Baba in your room
Really freaked me out.
So just go do your ‘rebirths’ and please stop sending me email
Or I’ll have to get a restraining order placed on you.
Dear Travis,
You broke my heart.
Looking back I realize you were just using me the whole time.
You are the worst kind of pathetic scum,
And damn you for never giving me back my Malamud book.
I hereby place a curse
Upon you and yours
May all your progeny come out deformed and ugly like you are on the inside.
Dear Christian,
You’re next on the list.
So you’d better think twice about how you want to treat me.
Cuz there’s nothing worse than wronging a writer...
Copyright 3/99 Jennifer Chung.
All rights reserved.
Dan and Henry, you're off the hook.