A radio play
by Chris Murphy
Episode 33: The Closet
Announcer: As you wake up in the morning, or as you go to bed at night, after the coffee's finished you find... Coffee Grinds.
[Music: Opening theme: Light-hearted, yet melodramatic with a feel of romance and intrigue]
Announcer: You remember last time! When Barbara had told Jim about the secluded spot she found for them. And how Jim had seemed troubled about Sally's interference with his attempt to get Mike's files away from Peter, who was about to give them to John for Nancy to study over so her affair with Richard might go more smoothly than Ted's with Patricia, who had... only recently... discovered she had lost... a contact lens... And now, settle in for another warm cup... of Coffee Grinds....
Barbara: Psst! .....Pssst! .....Pssssssssssssst!!!!
Jim: Wha'? Wooah!
[Sound: Broomsticks cluttered falling and door shutting]
Jim: (Recognizing who it is) Oh, Barabara, it's you.
Barbara: Yes, Jim. I had to tell you before you found out from someone else...
Jim: Found out? About what?
Barbara: I'm seeing... another man...
[Music: Sudden shock]
Jim: Oh.. Okay.. Um.. Who?
Barbara: (Apparently not paying attention) Oh I know it's so sudden to tell you like this.
[Music: Sudden shock (same as before)]
Jim: Yeah, I can tell..
Barbara: (Continuing).. But I wanted to get it out into the open, get it off my chest. I just HAD to let it out. I just bumped into him on the street, really. A wonderful man, tall, dark, handsome, caucasian, 35, not married, financially secure, enjoys biking, hiking, long walks on the beach, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas.. Just one look and suddenly..
[Music: Sudden Shock (Still same as above)]
Barbara: (pauses) Hmnn... Suddenl-
[Music: Sudden Shock (again)]
Barbara: (pauses again) Sudd-
[Music: (Same as above but faster response)]
Barbara: Su-
[Music: (Same as above but only half as long)]
Barbara: Ss-
[Music: (Same as above, playing the "Catch her whenever she hints at playing suddenly" game, now it just plays continuously until..) Sound: Swinging of a broom stick and a smack with same to a head]
Voice: Ouch!
Barbara: (pauses, waiting to be sure she won't be interrupted again) Oh, Jim he's just so dreamy, I think I'm in love! Oh I don't know, it just seems all so...
Jim: Sud-?
Barbara: DON'T say it! No, so... different!
Jim: Ahh.
Barbara: Yes. (returns to mood) Oh Jim, I'm so sorry.. I just don't know what to say.
Jim: Huh?
Barbara: I mean, I know we haven't been together for too long but...
Jim: What? Me? You? What are you talking about?
Barbara: Jim Elkins! You completely forgot the last 3 months of our wonderful relationship?! Jim: Barbara, it's ME, Jim Smith...Elkins called in sick today...
Barbara: Oh dear.. I thought the back of your head looked a little funny. Oh dear, I need to get my eyes checked. My contact lenses just aren't good enough anymore.
Patricia: At least yours don't fall out all the time.
Barbara: Patricia? What are you doing here?
Patricia: Looking for my contact lens, someone told me they thought they saw me in here a while ago before I lost it.
Barbara: Then that means...(pauses, as if waiting for something to happen) That means..... (still waiting, then speaks louder, as if somoene is not listening) THAT MEAANNNSS..... [Sound: Broomstick swinging again, smack on an arm or leg. Music: Swelling to a crescendo (typical ending music)]
Barbara: (aside) Jerk..
Voice: (aside back) Bitch..
Announcer: Well! What's going to happen next time? Will Barabara find the right Jim to confess to? Will Jim ever know what's going on? Will Patricia ever find her contact, or will she finally buck up and pay the measly 40 bucks to replace it like everyone else has to? I mean really, 40 bucks to see better instead of crawling on the ground like a peasant! Sure sounds like a bargain to me! Be sure to tune into the next eye-opening episode of Coffee Grinds.
Copyright 2/99 Chris Murphy
All rights reserved.
Period.