I almost ate a cockroach leg. It was in the Chinese food I ordered. I called the waitress over, who looked at the leg without a trace of surprise or even mock disgust, said, “Oh, sorry. You want another?” Another what, cockroach leg? Yes, only this time could you please make it well-done? And could I get a little more of the body this time? She didn’t even offer to comp the appetizer I’d already eaten.
Here’s the truth about Chinese restaurants.
Obviously, they’re not known for customer service, particularly if they cater to a Chinese clientele. Basically, they don’t care what cockroach parts you’re getting because, hey, you’re getting more protein for free, so why don’t you just quit whining. They know they can get away with this cockroach shit with Chinese people. What they don’t know is that I’m a white girl in a Chinese girl’s body and I don’t want to see insects in my meal.
If you think you’re not getting MSG, wake up and smell the hot mustard. Chinese people don’t really believe there’s anything to this MSG allergy claim. And you can’t cook Chinese food without it. My mom used it when she used to cook for us, only she called it Accent, which sounds nice, like something that's really going to add flavor to your food. But whities like to call it MSG, which sounds harsh and smacks of pharmaceutical jargon. If Chinese restauranteurs knew the word psychosomatic, they’d use it to describe these so-called headaches and sicknesses supposedly caused by MSG consumption.
Those crunchy noodles? You probably don’t want to eat those. Especially if they’re kind of broken up into small pieces. Whatever you don’t eat is going back in the bin for someone else to eat. If you get the grainies, they’re at the bottom of the barrel. Don't even think they're going to waste those noodles! Chinese people don't waste anything, which is why you might be getting served tail, tongue, ears, or stomach.
The kitchen staff really do spit in your food. But only if you’re white, and ask for a lot of stuff on the side, or to hold this or that, or broccoli instead of carrots, or this sauce instead of that one, or no MSG.
Copyright 4/99 Jennifer Chung.
All rights reserved.
Hold the legs.
