Misanthrope

I'm going to tell you my million dollar gag idea, but you have to promise that you won't steal it. Really. I'm trusting you on this.

Everyone knows that fortune cookies don't mean anything. They're not accurate predictors of your future. If they're vague enough to happen to come true, you know it's a coincidence. But still, isn't it cool when you get one that says, "Your dreams of glamour and luxury will come true"? And don't you feel cheated when you get those non-fortune fortunes, the ones that reveal a simple truth or something about yourself that is so vague as to be applicable to anyone? Or when the fortune is so ho-hum you feel let down? I got one the other day that said, "You will have a great position and a comfortable salary." What kind of shit is that? It might as well say, "You won't starve, but you'll never amount to anything." How about a comfortable position and a great salary, huh? Would that be too much to ask for in a fortune cookie that nobody takes seriously anyway?

But it got me thinking. What a great gag it would be to watch your friends crack open a cookie to reveal not a fortune, but an omen of darker days to come, tidings of ill will. Ego crushers. Something malicious. No, really, it'd be funny.

Some sample fortunes:

Head to the bathroom, quick! You will have a horrendous case of diarrhea.
Your wife is sleeping with the poolman!
A demotion is coming soon.
Your friends are laughing at you, not with you.
60 Minutes will be running a feature on your company.
You might get a date if you attended to your personal hygiene.
Hope you're ready for an IRS audit.
Don't worry, there's always penile implants.
A long hospital stay is in the near future.
You'll never amount to anything.
A good anti-fungal footcare product is in order.
You are as fat as you think.
Aliens are coming for you tonight.
What you think won't happen will.
You will spend many years in discomfort and poverty.
What happened to your hair? Propecia can help!

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