By Chris Murphy
Announcer: As you wake up in the morning, or as you go to bed at night, after the coffee's finished you find..Coffee Grinds..
[Music: Opening theme- Light hearted, yet melodramatic with a feel of romance and intrigue]
Announcer: You remember last time, when Carmen had just told Betty that Barbara had taken Jack out to lunch with Michael, and how Bill recalled that Joseph, Edward's long lost brother, was seen only yesterday in the living room of Bill's younger brother, Bobby, who had only recently moved in with Jessica, Carmen's oldest friend.. We take you now, to a completely different part of town.. where none of this has any bearing. (He says aside) Oh, Like it ever does! (Goes back into character).. Sit back and relax, with another convenient vacuum packed envelope of.. Coffee Grinds..
Margaret: Morning Bob.. (suddenly alarmed) Oh, wait! Look out for that-
[Sound: clatter of metal and Bob saying "Ow!"]
Margaret: ladder..
Bob: Wow, that was never there before.
Margaret: I know, we haven't had facilities in here to move it for a week now. In fact, I think the whole group is on vacation for two weeks.
Bob: Huh, two weeks.. (pause) it's so quiet in here.. What's going on?
Margaret: Oh, that's right, you were on vacation last week, weren't you?
Bob: Um, yeah.. I was.
Margaret: How was it?
Bob: Oh, heh, fine, went back to my parent's in New Hampshire, saw a few other family members, It was-
Margaret: (Alarmed again) Oh, wait don't sit in that-
[Sound: Bob falling out of a chair, again saying "Ouch!"]
Margaret: chair.. Facilities hasn't gotten to fixing that yet, either.
Bob: Humf..Really? What about facilities, now? And why is it so quiet in this office?
Margaret: Well, that's what I was going to tell you. Last week the facilities group all went on vacation and since then everything has been falling apart and, well, a lot of people are on sick leave now.
Bob: Sick leave?
Margaret: Yes.. Sad really, poor Martin..he broke his spine sitting in that very chair..
Bob: I can see why..
Margaret: See that light fixture over there? The one that's out?
Bob: Yeah. Hey, that's right over Martha's cube isn't it?
Margaret: Yes, only it wasn't out last week.
Bob: So it went out?.. and?
Margaret: Oh no, it didn't go out right away. It flickered for about two days before that.
Bob: Oh really?
Margaret: Yes, and poor Martha suffered from a seizure only a few minutes before that. You know like that newspaper article about the Japanese kids' show?
Bob: Wow.. that's a shame.. Hey, is Dave around? I have a .. oh.. why are you shaking your head like that?
Margaret: Poor Dave.. He was hit on the head by a vent cover that rattled loose over his head. Poor guy’s still in the hospital.. Some sort of major concussion..
Bob: What?!
Margaret: Yes, and he just got out of the coma Saturday!
Bob: Oh my god!
Margaret: Oh, but poor Jane, she fell a whole floor when the elevator doors opened up a floor too early.
Bob: Jeez!
Margaret: She was talking to Mark who just the day before had snagged his heel on a loose nail in the doorway from the cafeteria to the hallway. Poor man had to get a tetanus shot.. I heard him say that the nail went through a whole inch of thick soled shoe.
Bob: Uhh... nobody has told anyone about this stuff?
Margaret: Well, we sent plenty of emails to Facilities to fix it, but they all have auto-replies saying they are on vacation.
Bob: Yeah, but.. nobody here can fix these things?
Margaret: (pause) Bob... This is an office. If we were getting paid to be Facilities, we would be in the facilities building, wouldn't we?
Bob: No, we'd be on vacation!
Margaret: Well, I'm on my way out, I have to see my beautician.
Bob: Wait, let me guess! You tried to turn a door knob and it came off in your hands, breaking your nails in the process? (he chuckles)
Margaret: (pause) You know, I didn't laugh when you fell over in that chair just now...
Bob: You mean I'm right?
Margaret: Ha ha, very funny, Bob, good-bye Bob..
Bob: Wait, I'm sorry, (calling after her) hey c'mon, who else is gone?
Margaret: (Calling back) Go ask Tony..
Bob: Tony?..
Tony: Yeah?..
Bob: Oh, Tony, how are you? ..Hey, what's with the eye patch? Not a facilities problem?
Tony: Huh? Oh, no.. I just had an operation on it, doctor's orders for a day or two.
Bob: Oh.. Well, good, I thought.. well, you know.. By the way, do you know what happened to Lisa?
Tony: You mean you don't know?..
Bob: No, Margaret just told me to ask you..
Tony: Well, Albert had been trying, against the rules, mind you, to fix the Xerox machine. He figured out that it needed another ink cartridge and Lisa went to the facilities storeroom to get it.
Bob: So?
Tony: That was on Friday...
Bob: She never came back?!
Tony: No.. then Albert went to find her.. You saw his Porsche outside, right?
Bob: Oh my..
Tony: Hey, whatever you do, just don't use the faucets in the Men's room, okay?
Bob: Why?
Tony: Well, last week Ralph went in there and almost drowned.
Bob: This is insane! Maybe I'll just sit at my desk and work..
Tony: (mutters) Your funeral..
Bob: What?
Tony: Nothing, see ya round.. I hope..
Bob: Geez, what is wrong with these people..
[Sound: Walking; Moving of a chair (wheels against a solid floor), then back again]
Bob: There.. safe at my desk.. Now, let's see.. Mills account, forms, paper.. pencil..
[Sound: pencil tip snaps off]
Bob: Oh no.. Oh well, now let's see. Where's that electric pencil sharpener..
[Music: Dreadful, creeping music starts]
Bob: Thought I had it on my desk.. Hmmn..
[Music: building creepiness]
Bob: Ohh, there it is. Boy, I wish Jane would stop borrowing it. I wonder where she is, anyway?..
[Music: dramatic creepiness]
Bob: Hmmn.. what's that stuff on it?.. Ink?.. Ooh, sticky..
[Music: Crescendo, then dies away to silence]
Announcer: Well! What do you think will happen next? Will Bob get his pencil sharpened? Will Tony's eye heal? Will anyone ever find poor Albert and Lisa? Will Facilities ever return from their vacation? Will I ever get a beginning monologue that has anything to do with the story line? All this and more in the next facilitative episode..of Coffee Grinds..
[Music - Ending Theme]
Copyright 6/99 Chris Murphy.
All rights reserved.