Answering Machine Folly:
"You have reached the Atheist Prayerline. God’s not in at the moment, so please leave a message and no one will call you back."
Hi, it's Dee. Wanted to tell you my sister is interested in buying your snowboard so give us a call when you get back. Talk to you later. bye.
Beep.
hi little lady, how ‘bout you and me go do some groovin’?? gimme a call. 483-XXXX. adios, amiga.
Beep.
hi Jen, it’s me. about 7:15 in the evening. uh, pretty soon I’m going to go to bed and I usually unplug my phone when I go to bed. so I’ll catch you some other time. I just want to call and let you know that you’re the only person that has my address. if Ben calls and asks you for my address, please don’t give it to him... uh, I have a little bit of problem with him, I would rather he doesn’t know my address so please don’t give it to him. uh, I’ll talk to you later, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. bye-bye, dear. love you.
Beep.
"This is the Tebya Minkov Russian Amputee Dating Service. We have 3 Russian amputee beauties waiting to talk to you. To talk to Tatiana, press 1 now. For Karinya, press 2 now. If you want to talk to Svetlana, press 3 now. Thank you for calling the club with the stubs, where you can get your foot in the door with lovely Russian amputee women. Get a leg up on your Russian language skills. We never leave you out on a limb. Thanks for calling."
hey, where’s Svetlana? where’s Tebya Minkov? hey, this is Dick. just givin’ you a call, I’m at the comedy store, I’ll be here until 7pm so gimme a call back. bye.
Beep.
god you’re a sick woman. you need help, and I’m just the man to do it. with... whatever kind of help you need. I dunno what’s more annoying--that long solid tone of yours or the insipid music that plays on my machine. I’m meeting with Jim E. tonight and he wrote this poem for me and... god, can I kick the guy out of the group? I just wanna know if you can be in the group with him without any discussions or “clearing the air” before the group or anything... um, if you can deal with it. I don’t wanna go on a power trip and say “well you’re outta here man!” and all that shit even though I’d like to... I just don’t think it’s cool. it might send him over the edge or something. so anyway just let me know what you think. I’m going to let him know my concerns about the group being all infected. we’re gonna meet on Thursday at Cherie’s. so that’s all. gimme a call. see you.
Beep.
Dah. Dis is Sven. I am looking for Svetlana. She has my thumb. I need it back. Hi guys, this is Paul. You guys are kooks. callin’ to see what’s going on. it’s Tuesday at like 3 o’clock. uh... saw the x-files on Sunday was killer! did you guys watch it or tape it? it was awesome, baby! alright, talk to you later, bye.
Beep.
"Please commit a crime."
Jeenifer, dees ees your couseen brent from panama ceety, panama. please ah be giving me a call at 223-XXXX. OK? OK. bye.
Beep.
what’s going on there? anyway, just callin’ to see what you’re up to. I’ll see you later.
Beep.
Jennifer--hi, this is Amy. Well, I was just sitting here wondering if you told Shelley what happened... I’m like, in suspense! gimme a call, ‘cause I’m really curious, what happened, ok? talk to you later, bye.
Beep.
hello, Jennifer, this is Jason calling you about 3:30 on sunday. just calling to say hi and see if you want to go barbeque action this afternoon but it looks like you missed the boat. that’s just your tough luck. I’ll talk to you later, bye.
Beep.
hey, this is Paul. clyde’s ride is playing tonight at the belly up. just wanted to give you guys the heads up. I’m gonna get there around 8:30, 8:45. so I’ll talk to ya later. bye.
Beep.
the only crime is the length of that tone. hey Jennifer, this is Jim. that was fun the other night, I’m glad we could hang. and, uh, just wondering if you had any ideas about the script you have, if you’ve had a chance to read it yet. did Skip call you about the barbeque tomorrow? because he called me about his friend Holly - you remember Holly, the den mother - she’s having a barbeque at her house, so gimme a call if you wanna go. um, I gotta get this call. I’ll see ya.
Beep.
you know what the crime is, having to listen to that answering machine beep for like SIX HOURS cuz you guys have about a thousand messages and you haven’t gotten back from mexico. what’s up, baby? this is Mr. Baby. gimme a baby call. late.
Beep.
(in cheesy French accent)
"Allo. You have reached Chez le Chung. This is master chef Chez. Tonight's specials include ice cubes, microwave popcorn, and toast. For reserverations, please leave a message and we will return your call. Huh huh huh!!"
hey Jen, what’s up? it’s Brent. sorry I blew you off yesterday. Kristy uh, surprised me and flew into town yesterday on sunday night and we’ve been hangin’ out. she’s gonna leave tomorrow morning. but um, you know, you know, we’ll be together soon. uh, I’ll... get in touch with ya. alright? bye. unless you got something really good for me, gimme a call.
Beep.
hello. this is uh, Chez. it’s 10:15 Tuesday night. gimme a call back. late.
Beep.
hey Jen, about tonight. I was thinking that maybe.. maybe we could meet outside, or something like that. meet at a certain time. or meet at the front door at a certain time and then like, I’ll be there.. I get off at 11, so, um, sometime after that, if you’re there at like 12:30 or something like that maybe I could meet you at 12:30? um, I dunno, just leave me a little note or somethin’ somewhere, if you get this message? and then uh, and then, ok, maybe ben and I can meet you, cuz I’m excited, and I’m gonna be totally wired and I’m gonna wanna go and party tonight so, anyway, alright, cool, chick, I’ll talk to you later, bye.
Beep.
Copyright 8/99 Jennifer Chung.
All rights reserved.
Am I allowed to print this?