Title: Soon Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG13] Codes: Summary: This is the time between the first and second five year voyages. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them. I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Soon "What are you doing." Lori looked down at the desk where parts of some indiscernible machine were strewn across the extra large desk in their shared den. Her husband, the sound of that title sent tremors through her body. She felt warmth creep up from her stomach as she remembered how he had teased and tortured her last night for hours. The light brown hair, longer then regulation length in open defiance of Starfleet edict, was bent over its labor in total concentration. Sometimes the level of concentration Jim brought to a subject was frightening in its intensity. Sex was no different. He brought all of his attention to their sex-life, and sometimes it pushed her closer to the edge than she wished to admit. Seeing his lips made her hot. Hearing his voice made her moist. Looking into his eyes made her want to groan out loud. She could see none of those, now, because he was bent over his new project. She crossed and kissed him on his head, drinking in his heat, his smell, and his maleness. When Nogura had suggested she keep close to him, for awhile, to help him adjust to his new life. She had no idea what she had agreed to. Her memory was brutally honest with her; she had wanted him from the moment she saw him. Their attraction was instant and mutual, yet she had been surprised when the much younger man had asked her out on a date. Surprise was followed by shock when he had asked her to bed. It was her idea to get married, and she did not regret it, even though she knew it would not last. He was the best lover she had ever had in her life. The only thing missing was his happiness. She still felt lost. He kept so much in silence. He hid so much pain, but occasionally it would peek out when he thought she could not see, and his face would crash in on itself and ooze grief and a loneliness that her presence had only served to scab over. "Damn that Vulcan and McCoy," she thought as she went to sit in her favorite stuffed chair and watch her favorite sight. Lori still believed that the loss of his two friends hurt him even more than the loss of his ship. She waited. She knew he would answer her eventually. "The duotronics net in my office kept going on the blink. I asked them to come fix it two weeks ago, and they didn't. So, I am." She reared back in surprise, only sixth level computer specialists were allowed to access the nets. Kirk's rating didn't say he was anymore than fourth level. "You don't have the expertise to do that, Jim. Why don't you wait until they fix it?" He grunted. "I know how to fix this, Lori. I can strip a starship and completely reassemble it , if I choose to do so. I just didn't need to do this kind of crap on my ship. If I asked for something to get fixed, it got fixed the same day, usually with upgrades." He smiled faintly, as his thoughts drifted into memories, then he shook his head and went back to his task. True to his word, in one hour and 27 minutes the unit was completely reassembled and in working order. He leaned back and stretched. Lori had sat, totally captivated, and watched him as he worked. "That level of skill is not in your file. I know, I read it." "Probably not." He turned, held his arms out, and gave her a look of invitation that sent a small shiver down her back. "A lot of things aren't in my file, like what I did to you last night. Do you want them to enter that information, too?" She resisted his ploy to change the subject. "Jim, I'm serious. You're not supposed to be able to do that. Why do you keep skills like that a secret?" She stayed firmly rooted to the seat. She knew that if she crossed the room and folded into those welcoming arms, all would be shortly forgotten, and that was exactly what he wanted. He sighed and dropped his arms to his sides. "Never reveal all of your strengths, or weakness. Strategy 101. Spock, Uhura, and Scotty knew. Nobody else needed to know. How do you think I did the computer for the Kobayashi Maru? With them, I never had to do anything because they did it all for me. Now, as an Admiral, I have to pull my own duotronics unit, lug it home, and fix it. I love what higher rank gives me." He stood up and wandered over to the large picture window looking out onto the bay area. A light fog was rolling in, but in San Francisco, when was that not the case. The lights of the bay were flashing hypnotically in the distance and above them the eternal celestial light show played across the heavens and reflected down onto his face, casting it in a soft yellow light. She knew without asking what star he stared at. At 0200 on the dot, more frequently than not, she would wake up to an empty bed and walk in here to see him awake in a chair, pulled up to the window, staring at the stars in silence. For a brief second, she hated Spock for what he had done to her husband. It was his desertion that had sent him back to Nogura to accept the promotion. Prior to Spock's departure for Vulcan, Kirk had steadfastly refused the promotion. He had continued to hold out for a posting to another ship, with Spock as his second. While he planned and sweated to keep his crew together, Spock ran without a look backward to see the fragments left in his wake. That's the way it looked to her and she would never forgive the Vulcan for his act of abandonment. She watched Jim become a shell of the blazing presence she had only briefly known, before his soul and his confidence was ripped from him by Spock's betrayal. She still got glimpses of that earlier version, brief glimpses into Shangri-La, before Jim would turn away and become the silent man who stood in front of her. This man went through the motions, and with half of his attention on the job still outperformed the rest of the Admiralty. That fact had already made him several enemies. His refusal to play politics as usual had made him more. The worst part was she realized he no longer cared. He stayed alive only out of habit. She had told Nogura that he had made a mistake. She had warned him that they were going to lose Jim completely. He would either just wander off into space one day, or kill himself, but he would not be able to continue on Earth as he was. Nogura had said nothing, only turned away in rigid silence. Nogura wanted Kirk to succeed him. Kirk was his crown prince, his uncontrollable, unpredictable, genius of a crown prince. He meant to either tame the Kirk, or kill the Kirk, and it seemed she was just playing her role. Jim knew it too, and even that didn't matter to him, nothing did anymore. She sighed and got up gracefully from her chair and crossed over to stand behind her husband. Slowly, she wrapped her long arms around his waist and molded her body to his back. She was actually taller than him by two inches, a fact that bothered him not at all. She rested her head on the rippling muscles of his back and began to slowly stroke his chest and his stomach with a low soothing hum. He was her sweetness, her weakness. Maybe, just maybe, she could be enough to make him live, if not forever, then for one more night. "Jim," she pitched her voice low and soft, "come to bed, Baby. Let me take you away from where you are, to someplace where you don't hurt." "There is no place where I don't hurt, Lori," he whispered and her heart ached. She turned him around to face her and he let her. She looked into his eyes and feel forward to kiss him, lips brushed, touched again then slowly met in completion. They kissed, forgetting the fog and the stars for five brief seconds and then those seconds passed. She could feel him tense again, so she pulled his head down to lay on her shoulder. "I love you, Jim, but you really frighten me." He snorted. "I'm a scary guy, Lori. You have every right to be frightened. I bet you don't know anybody else who could drive away his two best friends, lose his command, and turn half of the Admiralty against them in one week." He grabbed her and hugged her tightly before stepping away and walking from the den. She followed him out into the kitchen where he started making Cha. She never expected to love him, she never expected to hurt for him. He needed Space, like most people needed food. He was dying in front of her eyes, gentle exhalations, no longer even trying to gasp. He was resigned to no longer breathing. It was time to use what she had on Nogura. It was enough to get Jim back in space and away from the King's long grasp. Nogura would have to choose another crown prince. She would not renew their contract. She could not. This type of pain was more than she could stand. This raw gaping wound was not something she could heal. Perhaps whole once again, and in command of a ship, he would return to her and love her without his pain. "Jim, come to bed," she asked again. He sipped his tea and smiled without smiling. She held out her hand to him, beckoning him to the one place he achieved peace, however fleeting. "Let me taste you; let me love you." She pulled him into her arms. He flowed into her arms, at least his body did. His soul floated free, drifting further and further from life. " Don't give up, Jim. Please, don't give up. Come to bed." He followed her, saying yes because it did not matter. Nothing mattered to him any longer, and if this gave her joy he would do it for her, because she had earned all he could give her, because she had tried when the ones he had loved and trusted had left. She had even stopped trying to keep Uhura and Scotty away. He knew she did it out of a desire to protect him from painful memories, but painful memories were all he seemed to have. Scotty and Uhura gave him something no-one else at Starfleet could give him: a link with his ship, a view of his past, a gentle Vulcan tease, a hint of a Georgian accent. He would not renew their contract. Lori deserved better than an emotional cripple, and that was what he had become. He did not know the man he had become. He knew no-one. If he had been wrong about Spock, then there was nothing in his universe that was reliable. It was God's way, he supposed, of letting him know he never should have put all his trust in the living. They all eventually failed him, even Spock, and McCoy. Needing people was too hard. It had been far easier before he had given his trust, and before he had given his love. He would end up going gently into the night and it would be a relief. He went with her and they made love until Lori fell into an exhausted sleep. Then he arose as he did each night, bent down to kiss her lightly, and smelled her scent. Silently, he went to sit in his chair and look at the stars. In the desk sat his phaser where it sat each and every night. He stared at the drawer where it was locked away. He shook his head. Not yet; it was not yet time. Soon, it would be over and he would be a memory for someone else to contemplate. Soon, he would not hurt anymore. Lori found him there in the chair in the morning. She brought a cup of Jamaican Coffee with her, rich with soy milk and a dash of chocolate. The smell brought him alert as she entered the room. Lori was not surprised when she saw he was already awake. She had become use to his uncanny awareness of other people. Even dead asleep, when she entered he would always awaken, smile briefly, and fall back asleep, sometimes only after she was wrapped securely in his arms. He drank up touch like the nectar of life. He seemed to never get his fill of touching her, hugging her, making love to her, but it was not enough. He still seemed to need more, and the more was what she could not provide, even if she had understood what he searched for. "Jim, are you going in today?" She sat in his lap and hugged him gently, while balancing the coffee in the other hand, a risky, but rewarding move. "No, Lori. I think I'll go to the farm. I need to see my Mother and I have no pressing responsibilities." No, there is nothing I do that is pressing any longer, he thought to himself. I could finish the working plan for the new Starfleet Ops in my sleep. There is nothing that requires my full attention any longer, not even you my Sweet Lori. You'll do just fine after I go, you don't have the need for Stars, or someone to read your mind. She leaned down and kissed him, a brief flash of worry, skittered across her face. "When will you be back?" "Tomorrow night, probably. I'll call if it will be longer." He answered as he sipped his brew, and allowed the steam to tease his nostrils. "Okay, Baby." She trusted his word. He had never lied to her and she knew he was seeing no other women. She had made sure to check, before she married him, and was satisfied that his word had always been his bond. She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a slow sensuous hug. "I have to go get dressed. I'll see you tomorrow." He dutifully kissed her goodbye and watched her saunter away in an invitation he did not accept. He left two hours later for the farm. The countryside flashed by, as he drove from the commercial transporter pad he had arrived at in Boise. He had rented a skimmer there and flew on manual to his family farm. Iowa was even more rural then it had been in the twentieth century. The Exodus to the Stars and the slowed birth rate had returned much of North America back to rural and semi rural status. He knew immediately when the Kirk lands began. It was in his blood to know. Too many Kirk's had sweated and died on the land to not feel their call when he entered it, even though they no longer called for him. He had always been destined for the Stars; even his Grandfather had known it from his earliest years. It was their way to know, and there was never any doubt that the land would never hold him, only the Stars and his destiny to serve. It was what he had been raised to do, trained to do, and developed to do. He was to serve and make a difference. The bred ones clamored in his soul, agonizing over the path his recent ruminations had taken. He was not finished, they screamed. He ignored them. He was tired and he was finished. Let another take his place. There would always be another. His Mother was waiting at the door when he drove up. He knew she would be; it was her Gift. She always knew when hers were coming home, dead or alive. Which was he today he wondered? He leaned forward and kissed her on her forehead. She was his older female twin, only blonder and grayer. His brother Sam had looked like his Father, dark tan skin, brown hair and dark brown eyes. Sam got the height, he got longer life, so he mused to himself. She smelled of oranges, a trace of roses, fresh magnolia, love, and Motherhood. "Mom." "Come in, Jimmy. I've been waiting for you. The boys won't be here until tomorrow. You have me all to yourself today and tonight." She looked at him and read his pain and his surrender all in one glance. It was not his time she knew, but she had to convince him to stay, to not give in to the pain and the despair. "Amanda and Sarek called to check on you." She went for the throat softly, cutting to let the infection pour out. He tensed and gasped in pain at the words and their import. "They both send you their love, Jim. They want you to hold on, for us all. He'll be back. He can no more leave you than I can hold my breath for all eternity. He's holding his breath, Baby. He's got to breathe one day." He didn't even argue, or ask how they all knew. Amanda and Sarek had taken him in after he had made a fool of himself at Gol by beating on its walls and screaming at the top of his lungs for Spock to come out. It was Sarek who had carried him away from where he lay unconscious in the sand. It was Sarek who told him that he and Spock had formed a Warrior bond. It was Sarek who let him know that Spock had closed it off, and caused the deep pain he was feeling, an unforgivable act in Sarek's view. It was Sarek that had melded with him and given him his first taste of peace since the day Spock had left him. They had called him Second Son. Amanda had rocked him to sleep as he trembled in his utter desolation. He still felt no shame attached to that, and only pride that they still called him Son. All this pain caused by a man. A man he had never made love to; a man he had only wanted as his best friend; a man he had only kissed once on the forehead, while Spock lay asleep in the sickbay. A man had driven him over the brink. A man he thought would never leave him, had left. A man Kirk knew he would never have willingly been without, had destroyed him. That same man had stolen his confidence and his soul, and then thrown it away, unwanted, discarded like trash. That was what he was now, the Federation's trash, unwanted and valueless, except to scavengers, or Nogura. Some might say there was no difference between the two terms. Nogura was the Federation's best scavenger after all. Nogura had managed to scavenge a superior performance from him for two years, to give the old man his due. His Mother led him to the kitchen where she sat him down to the table and fed him, watching him eat fork after fork until he stopped much too soon. "Come with me, Jimmy, we need to talk." She got up and he arose to follow. He and his Mother shared a common trait. All conversation that was vital took place while walking. He followed her out of the house and silently trailed along beside her as she walked down towards the waterhole. "You remind me of a Jimmy that I've seen before. This is the Tarsus Jimmy, all over again, distant, depressed, and full of self-doubt and recriminations. You're not through with your journey and you do not have a right to give up. There's more you must do, Jimmy, so much more. You can't let pain blind you to what's ahead. Remember who you are and how much more deeply you feel than the rest. It is your heritage driving this despair, and you have to fight it." "I'm tired, Mom. I can't do this any more. I have no fight left in me. There's nothing here for me, nothing at Starfleet, and nothing on this planet. What would you have me do? All I do is drive people away or kill them. It would be better if another took my place." "No, you have more to do. You have to have faith, my sweet Baby. Believe. Why are you stopping now? You've never stopped before." He moaned softly and tuned to look at her with eyes brimming with tears. "I'm alone, Mom. I've always known I will die alone and I have never been more alone than I am now, so alone." She could feel the pain roll off of him in rivers of red, psychic blood shed for life's betrayals. "Baby, you are not alone. Lori loves you in her way, as does McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, and even Spock, not to count the others who will trail behind you for the rest of your life. What you sense is the lack of someone who sees you as you are. They must accept you and what your existence means to them. That will come, too. You will never be alone, not in the way you think. It is not your time to die. I forbid you to give up: I forbid you to toss away all that we have struggled for these last five thousand years. Yours will be the way and the will that will save us all. You are not given the right to do other than what you must. It is our burden and our triumph over our history." She turned and grabbed him by the shoulders, and forced him to look in her face. "Whatever you think, in this you have no choice. You will go on because you must. I have seen it and what I have seen will be. You need to learn to cry and let it all go." He bowed his head in acceptance and the word whispered in his head: Kaadith. "You never cried." His words rent her heart. "Oh, Baby, I cried giant crocodile tears of pain and loneliness. I cried for joy; I cried in fear; and I cried because there was nothing else left to do. I was a fool to never show you my tears. I was afraid it would weaken you and Sam, or make you think less of me. God yes, I cried; I was just too big of a coward to let you see my tears. Don't be a coward like your mother and father. We loved each other too much to end it, and not well enough to be together, but we loved you two more than life itself. I need you to go on, Baby. You are our hope and our promise." "Mom," his eyes misted involuntarily,"I hurt more than I think I can stand. I don't know what hurts more, losing the ship or losing my friends. I never knew they had become my life until they left me. Why did they leave me? What did I do to make them hate me so?" "Shush, they no more hate you then a flower hates the rain. They need to grow to be able to accept what you are, and to admit to themselves what you mean to them, especially Spock. He is afraid of himself and fear does strange things to a person. He is hurting as much as you are. He'll be back; I promise you." "I don't think I can wait. No-one else hears me, at Starfleet. No-one else speaks to my soul, not even Lori. I don't think I can last. I don't think I want to last, Mom." His voice carried all the anguish he felt at the end and she knew she had to break his cycle here and now, or he would not survive. She grabbed him again and shook him hard, feeling his solid muscle and his agony beneath her hands. "You are my son, you are your Father's son, You are your Grandfathers' and Grandmothers' son. You are a child of the dispossessed, the enslaved, and the Bred. There is nothing you can not take, if you decide, it is so. Do not fail us, James Tiberius Kirk. Your ancestors await the fulfillment of your task, and it is not yet done." She led him into the den and sat him in front of the fire where he fell asleep with her slowly stroking his hair, as she had done in his youth. A creature of habit, she did not let him see her tears. She let them fall only after he slept. She too had loved someone who caused her pain and left her again and again, her husband. Perhaps it was their family's curse to live apart from easy answers. He stayed with her as promised and visited awhile, a week longer than he had planned. His nephews arrived and they fished, shared their thoughts, and even laughed. When he returned to Lori, Kirk felt he had enough to last a little longer. Each day was a gift he did not expect, an awakening he did not either wait for or care about. It was, and that was the best he could do. His tasks took him off world for awhile. They cheered his brilliance and his insight. He felt no sense of reward. What he had done was clean up a mess made by fools. It was nothing. The trip was enough to allow him to breathe. Finally, he had to return to Earth, and the silence was there to greet him. Lori found him again, sitting in his chair, this time the phaser was in his lap. She wordlessly took it from his grasp and left the apartment with it, and took it, in her nightgown, to Starfleet headquarters to lock it away. She left him the next week. She did not love him any less. She knew at last she could not stay and watch him die. He did not fight it; it too was what he expected. He understood. They all left him, after awhile. His peace would come, soon.