Title: Doctor's Logs
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG 13]
Codes: 
Summary: This final Log honors the man who played Dr.
McCoy and the character he created. DeForest Kelley and
Leonard H. McCoy, MD, will never die as long as we
remember them.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.



Doctor's Logs: Last

Well, I'll be damned.  I have been doing these logs for 100
years. I'm going to make this my very last one. Who knew that
I'd ever have 100 years worth of things to say? I don't have
any regrets and I can't think of anything that I wanted to do
that I haven't done, or anything I wanted to say that I've left
unsaid.

I'm an old man, but my mind is still intact. I still enjoy new
things, and I never lost the ability to be honest with myself.
Most importantly, I never lost my sense of humor. Fates know,
I have needed it over my lifetime. When you look at it, I didn't
do badly for a simple country doctor.

Spock's on his way here. I sent for him and he knows why.
He'll be here at the end.  I know I can wait that long. I want him
to be with me when I finally go to sleep. I love that pointy-
eared elf, and I need to make sure he is okay before I do this.
He is holding on with all of his strength, waiting for Jim, and
when I leave he will finally be alone. I hate to leave him, but I
can't last any longer.

I thought that when I finally got around to dying it would be a
scary time for me. I've spent my entire life fighting death, but
now I don't want to fight anymore. I'm not afraid.   Actually, I'm
looking forward to it.  I'm tired. I've lived a full life.  Once
Spock gets here, maybe I'll let him give me the final shots to
suspend me. I thought about this for long time and I really
believe I'm doing the right thing.  I want to see Jim again, then
I can die. I don't think even Jim will be able to keep me from
dying, but at least if I suspend myself, we'll have a chance to
talk before I go on.

Spock says Jim is alive and we both went to look at the body
that was buried on the Nexus world.  He looked like Jim and
he had the same genetic code Jim did.  There was no way
Picard could have known that was not our Jim.

Since I was the one who usually put him back together, I know
where all of Jim's scars were.  Also, Spock and I are the only
ones who knew about the tattoo.  This Kirk didn't have one.
Picard didn't bury Jim.  I said a prayer for the man anyway.
He had died, and death in pursuit of an honorable goal is
always a tragedy. He was close enough to the real Kirk to
save the day and Picard should be happy about that. It was a
damn stupid plan though, maybe Nexus had Picard's mind
confused.

I hope Spock is right and Nexus gave Picard what he
wanted, a hero.  Spock thinks the Nexus took Picard's image
of Jim and gave it flesh. Picard kept saying that the Guinan
he met in the Nexus told him that all things were possible in
the Nexus.  I want to believe that. I went and met Guinan and
she told me the same thing. She told me even more
information,but I won't go into that here. Spock knows it and
that's all that counts.

I know, deep down where no doubt is ever allowed,  if Jim is
still alive, he'll come back for me and Spock.

In the meantime, somehow I have lived to be 157 years old. I
have been my own most frequent customer.  All the
information we found on those Preserver worlds has made
Federation medical science leap ahead.  I spent years
studying the Fabrini tablets.  I would like to think that my work
had a lot to do with where we are today  in medicine. Right
now we have the ability to regrow almost every single part of
the human body.  Next, if they follow my research, we should
be able to lengthen the human life-span  to a maximum of
250 years.

When I think about that, I get a little twitch of pride. Then, my
memory brings back all the young men and women who died
under my care. I didn't save them all. God, I lost so many.
Worst of all, I lost Jim. I know I wasn't there, but I should've
been there. Maybe he would have lived. I need to stop
dwelling on that part of my life. He's been gone 86 years and I
still feel like it was yesterday. My life is still defined by 28
years, instead of  the 157 I have lived.

You know... I wouldn't have it any other way. I learned so much
on the Enterprise. I learned about true, never give up, I love
you dammit, friendship. I was never second in Jim's heart; I
just occupied a different space,and there was room enough
for me and that damn Vulcan. I learned about loyalty and
honesty. I fought my fears and I was allowed to be me. What
the hell else can you ask for in life? I haven't given a damn
about what others thought about me since Jim became my
best friend.

I learned that I could tell the truth and there was at least one
man out there strong enough to hear it. Then Spock got to be
the second man. Most people never find one person they can
be truthful with. That was enough to free me, and lead me to
eventually forgive my ex-wife and a host of people who had
disappointed me in my life. I lost my bitterness and I lost my
anger.  I found peace and I only lost it when Spock died. Then
Jim died and I almost died with him, but I survived. Later, I
found peace again right where I left it, inside my heart, where
my friends still dwell.

I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and I made it
through life. Jim taught me that. Don't give up; don't stop
going on. So many times I thought we were dead, and then
he would take a deep breath, get his chest full of one more
blast of life, and we would push through to our goal. We never
lost, because we never gave up. Now at 157 years of age, I
have one daughter by my first wife, two sons by my second
wife, fifteen grandchildren, thirty-three great-grand-children,
21 great-great-grandchildren, and 11 great-great-great-
grandchildren. I have been blessed.

I don't regret a damn thing about my life. I was the best father
I could be in the midst of my sickness and anger at my ex-
wife, but I was  far better with the second set of kids. I am a
great grandpa and so on. I have lived well, worked hard, and
been privileged to work beside some of the most brilliant and
courageous people the Federation has ever known. I have
trained  three generations of physicians for Starfleet and I
have demanded that all CMO's of Starships train  in cultural
issues, alien medicine and psychiatry.

Starships have families on board because I helped push the
policy through. It was something Jim had always dreamed of,
but they thought he was crazy back then. He wanted to be
able to go get David and take him with him, but it was never
an option for him. God knows, I would have loved to have had
Joanna on board with me some of the time. We even threw
out the rule about no relationships between command
personal. It was too late for us. What happened on the
Enterprise has never been officially acknowledged, probably
because Starfleet still doesn't understand the relationship
Jim and Spock had. But, if I was Picard, Beverly Crusher
would be married to me and waking up in my bed every
damn day.

I have loved my life and I have loved my friends and family.
There is no other purpose to life. Love of God(--or your
equivalent. I have learned to be a politically correct, at last.),
love of self, family, friends, and love of your chosen path. I
have experienced all of these things, and I have no regrets.

I will give all of my logs to Spock. He can do what he wants
with them. I suspect he won't allow them to be public until
after his death, or Jim's return. Let folks learn the truth about
us after I'm gone. Everyone wants to know about how it really
was during the years we were together. They ask:"How did
you get along? Is it true that Kirk and Spock were friends?
Did you ever feel left out, like a third wheel? Did they really do
all the things the stories say they did?"

How can I answer so anyone will understand? I'll try, because
this is the last time I will be able to do so.

The first thing people have to understand is this: we loved
each other, completely, all of us, from the Kirk down to Sulu
and Chekov. We trusted each other, absolutely. It was
Camelot, without the betrayal by Guinevere and Lancelot...
and there was no damn Mordred.

"How did we get along?" We fought, and made up; we
defended each other and rescued each other. We never lied
to each other even when we should have. We laughed
together. We got drunk together and Jim and I went out to get
laid together, before he stopped chasing faceless sex. I
watched Spock hold Jim's broken body in his arms and risk
his own life and sanity to bring Jim back from sure death. I
watched Jim literally walk through fire to save us, and I healed
them both every time they brought their broken bodies back
to me. Believe me, I was honored to do so.

We died for each other.

"Is it true Spock, Kirk and I were friends?" Jim and Spock
had a friendship and love so pure and strong that sometimes
I cried when I saw it in action. I loved them both with all of my
soul and I believe they returned my love. I'm old enough now,
that saying the L-word is no longer hard. I say it every chance
I get. Tomorrow has never been guaranteed and I never want
anyone else to die without them knowing how I feel about
them.

Jim knew how I felt about him, I made sure to tell him. God, I
loved that man. He was-- damn, don't start crying now, you
old coot. He-- was my hero. Years ago, I told Spock I loved
him, too, even though he still is the most exasperating man
the galaxy has ever seen. The only reason he carried his
behind to Romulus is because there are no memories of Jim
on that planet, especially since Renna died. He even smiled
when I told him I loved him. Or, maybe he had gas, who
knows with that man. Ah shit, let me stop, I know the truth. He
loves me and he is my friend. I think I will ask him to meld with
me before I go. That way, I will get to share with him and Jim
one last time before I sleep.

"Did you ever feel left out, like a third wheel?" Hell, no. Jim
and Spock, were the best friends a man could ever have. We
did everything together. They included me in everything I
wanted to be included in. I never felt like an add-on. Jim used
to tell me all the time: "I need you, Bones, you make me
check my heart for the truth, not just my head." You have no
idea how proud that use to make me feel, and special. They
trusted me, they respected my opinion and they never
betrayed me.

I remember the time I stopped the boy-wonder from killing a
man who had hurt me, bad. I told him I would never forgive
him if he did it, and I sent Spock to deliver the message. I
was in sickbay and couldn't get out of bed to do it myself.

Spock never said how he found Jim before the man got
killed, but he did. Jim showed up at my bedside after Spock
screamed out to the supposedly secure room the man was
hiding in, that McCoy said he would never forgive taking a
man's life, out of revenge. Spock told me later, he never saw
Jim, but he knew he was there, in the middle of all the guy's
bodyguards, and security devices, Jim was definitely close
enough to finish the job. Spock felt him leave and came back
to the ship. He was standing at my bedside telling me he had
delivered the message, when Jim walked in and sat down.
All he ever said to me about the incident was: "Your
friendship is far more important than revenge. The asshole
should thank you for his life."

"Did they really do all the things the stories say they did?"
Yes, and far more that will never be released by Starfleet.
Maybe Spock will tell them all one day. I don't know if he will
and it will no longer be my concern. Let people think what
they want to about us. They can call us out-dated relics,
cowboys, out-of control, killers, imperialist, or impetuous. Call
us what you want; without us, there would be no Earth, no
Federation, no Starfleet...and a dead galaxy. But that is
another story.

What ever and whoever we were, it's time for the next players
to take their turn on the wheel of fate. I pray they do as well as
we. I hope they have friends they love as much as we loved
each other. I hope that at the end of their lives, they'll be able
to say what I will say now. I've lived well and I'm ready to go
gently into the night. If I die before I wake, so be it.

157 years of living and if you want to know the secret to

life, all you have to do is look at a passage that is over two
thousand years old.

[1 Cor: 13, verses 4-8]

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious,

never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude.

Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or

touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice
when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but
rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will
be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always
believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always
stand your ground in defending him.

All the special gifts and powers from God will someday come
to an end, but love goes on forever.

Yep, that pretty much says it all for me. Where's that drink?
Ah, there it is, bourbon, straight, two fingers. A toast...here's
to the future and the past. Here's to my two wives, my children
and their children's children, my many lovers, my friends who
have gone on before me, and the ones I leave behind.

Here's to Jim, who made me see each day as a gift. Here's
to Spock, who will be with me at the end.

Thank-you, Lord, for the life I have had and the loves I have
shared.