Title: Dear Sam
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: G
Codes: 
Summary:  Sat after Doctor's Log 8, it is a letter to George
Samuel Kirk Jr., from his baby brother. 

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. 
I promise to bring 'em back. 

Dear Sam



Dear Sam,

I am glad you and your wife finally "agreed" on Deneva, as if
you had a choice. I would hate to think you guys could still be
wandering out here homeless. You should know better than to
try to get your way with Aurelan. She was always smarter than
you, Big Brother. In fact, she should have waited for me and
she could have gotten the better deal. Stop laughing, nut
head. I miss you. There is no one for me to talk to anymore,
and all I see of you is letters, lately.

You are right, I do need to open up more with people, but I
haven't had the best of luck with that in the past. You know I
can be a little intense, Big Brother. I guess I drive folks away.
Maybe that's why it is easier being the Captain, then I have
an excuse for why I have to keep my distance. I saw the boys'
grades, looks like they take after Aurelan, they are brilliant.
Smile. I am proud of my Big Brother. You are leading a
normal life and doing something important, that's great.

In answer to your other question, no, I haven't found a woman
yet. The ones I keep meeting all seem to want me, but only
for what I can do in the short run, not for who I am in the long
run. I will probably end up alone. I have gotten use to that idea
and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. If Aurelan had a
sister, I'd be married right now. Please give her a kiss for me.
She needs one since she has to deal with you day in and day
out.

Why do you want to know more about Spock? I already told
you everything that counts. He is extremely brilliant, loyal, has
a wicked sense of quiet humor, he's brave, and a gentle soul.
I like him. I can't say we are friends, not yet at least. He tries
too hard to be a super Vulcan. It is like he feels he has to
overcompensate for being half human, by being more Vulcan
than any of them. As a result,  he is never himself.  I can feel
what he is thinking, Sam, just like I can with you. He is all
hidden like an iceberg, and most of him is underwater.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't have the Kirk gift. It is much easier
to let people live their lies, I think, then to see through them
like we do. Now, since I can see all that he is hiding, I want
more from him than he is ready to give. I will wait. Remember
my Appaloosa, Tecumseh? He was like that, too. I waited
forever for that damn horse to trust me, but oh when he finally
did, he was the best damn horse in the universe. I know Sam,
men are not horses, horses are smarter, and they have less
hang-ups.

McCoy is not as big an asshole as you think. He just sounds
like one. He challenges me constantly, and some perverse
part of me likes that. It makes me rethink my decisions and
make sure they are coming from the less blood-thirsty part of
my psyche. His humanity makes up for my difficulty in finding
my own. I get so caught up in being the Captain, the hero,
and the leader, that sometimes, I forget to be humane. He
makes my softer side come out.  He actually is an excellent
physician. He is just more emotional than me, and he is
prone to over-react in non-medical situations. He has a great
sense of humor and can be wickedly funny. If I don't space
him first, we will be good friends one day. The only problem
is, I can't trust him with all of me, Sam. You are the only one I
could show myself to, you know. As long as you are my
brother,  I will be fine.

In answer to your other question, I am taking care of myself,
Big Brother, so stop worrying. I haven't been in trouble for at
least 2 months. The last time was just a scratch and no I was
not about to die. It takes more than a big kitty cat to kill your
little brother. The news report made it seem worse than it
was. I hate it when they  put me in the news. It makes Mom
uncomfortable, and I don't want that. She went through
enough with Dad. Please, help me, rescue me. Tell Mom to
stop sending me pictures of the neighbors' daughters. I
already met them all and there was nothing there for me.

Did  you see the last picture she sent of Judy Pace, though?
Damn, she is hot, but as I recall she is really stupid. I can't
stand stupid women, at least not in the light. Give me brains
over beauty any day. You have to be able to talk after you
finish screwing, you know. I can teach a plain-looking smart
woman how to screw my brains out. I can't teach a stupid
woman anything. Of course, I am assuming that a woman
would be able to teach me what they need. I am told that I am
at least educable in that area. But, they all could've been lying
to me, to keep from hurting my feelings. I'm stupid enough to
fall for it. Mom spoiled us both. Because of her, I need my
women to be brilliant and beautiful. I can't imagine spending
my days with a bimbo. I could be convinced to visit one for a
night or so, if pushed. Whoeee, Judy did fill out.

No, I have not heard from Carol. She has cut me off
completely. She thinks I won't keep my word, so she refuses
to even send me pictures of David, or letters telling me how
he's doing. I have never broken my word, and now I can't get
her to believe me when I need trust the most. I get news from
"other sources" but I think I will stop that. It is too painful to
have surreptitious pictures taken of your only child and be
refused the opportunity to see him. I don't know who kicked
her ass in life, but I wish she could get over it and stop
punishing me. I didn't do a damn thing to the woman, except
try to love her and marry her. I told her the treatment I was
taking interfered with my spermicide shots. She swore she
had it covered on her end. What a fool I am, hey, Sam? Who
knew a geneticist would want my genes, but not me? I have
to admit, the boy is brilliant, just like his Grandpa.

I miss you, but I said that already didn't I? At night, I tour the
ship, and check all the departments and tuck everyone in. I sit
in my cabin and read, or go to the gym to work out. Lately, I
have started doing that with Spock, and I admit I enjoy his
company. I know that sounds strange, but he makes me feel
emotionally secure. His emotional distance gets me more in
touch with the part of me that still has honest feelings. I have
been guarding my feelings for so long that I think I was in
danger of losing touch with them completely, at one point.
You can't feel too deeply for a man you may have to send out
to die, or kill yourself.  I don't sense any danger from him, or
any envy.

Yes, I have gotten past Gary. You were right about him. In the
end he revealed his inner self. I knew who he was in truth, but
he tried his best to be a good friend to me. I probably
shouldn't have kept him on board, but I needed someone
around me who wasn't in awe of me, and Gary sure as heck
fit the bill. I could trust him as far as he was able to go, and he
loved me like a brother. I needed that.

It is hard, Sam. It threatens to overwhelm me. I have always
been alone, except for you, Mom, and Granpa. I think I could
be alone in the middle of a riot. I must carry it around with me.
I don't want to keep people away, but it is hard to let them in.
I must be afraid of what they will think when the real me is
revealed. It sure as heck doesn't help that I can sense
people's competitiveness, their jealousy, and their wish to
control or manipulate me.

I still  am experiencing repercussions from my rapid
advancement through Starfleet. Everything I do or say is
scrutinized doubly hard. An unbelievable number of people
are waiting for me to crack up and go crazy. They call me the
next Garth behind my back. I can't tell you how many people
hate me because I beat my Academy Class to a command of
a Starship by over ten years. I was so intent on reaching this
point, that I forgot to consider the personal implications of
attaining my goal.

They call me the Golden Boy of Starfleet. What the hell does
that mean?  That title hasn't saved my butt one single time.
As far as I can see, not a single Klingon or Orion is
impressed by that name. However, they are impressed by
the fact that I outthink them , outgun them, and outfight them.
Golden boy, my ass. It might have been easier if Mom and
Dad had told us the truth earlier in life. Then, I would've known
how weird I was from the beginning.. The crew on the
Enterprise is different. I am blessed in that regard. They
respect me and are supportive in a way I have not found
anywhere else. It makes me try so hard to not disappoint
them. Out here on the edge, my abilities are desirable. They
have even come to rely on my hunches. Any advantage I can
use, I will use,  to bring them home.

My mind keeps racing ahead, trying to anticipate what
happens next.  I try so hard to slow down and smell the roses
like you keep telling me I should, and some days I can do it.
When I make a new planetfall and I walk over land no human
has stood on before, I come close to absolute peace. You
know that before Tarsus, I never wanted to be a military man;
I wanted to be an explorer. I found out the hard way that the
galaxy is such a dangerous place, you can't be one, without
being the other. I had no idea that battle would come so
naturally to me. I keep seeing people and events in terms of
strategies, pros and cons, advantages and weaknesses,
wins and losses. My fears and feelings become completely
detached from me during those times. When I fight, nothing
touches me; everyone is a pawn on my chessboard.

A lot of times, I wish I could just be like everyone else. Time
slows down for me when we are in a crisis. The whole
universe moves like molasses and everyone feels like they're
standing still while I am racing around them. It gets to be very
surreal sometimes. It saves our bacon a lot, but nobody can
follow me most days. I especially miss that from you.
Recently,  I can feel Spock synching in with my thoughts.
Sometimes, we almost read each other's minds. I love it. It
gets me out of explaining myself all of the time and makes
me feel connected for just a moment.

You remember what a pain Gary was about not being able to
follow me. Shit, I don't know why I make certain decisions
sometimes until after the event. It just happens. All of the
things get processed in that little room I call a brain, and by
the time the door to the room opens, I know what to do.
Nogura loves it, Starfleet loves it, but it can drive a bridge
staff crazy. They are learning to trust me finally, and that is
making it a lot less difficult. Now, even if they don't follow me,
they just do it and figure it will all come out in the wash.

Stop calling me a genius, Sam. I am not a genius. I just have
a trick I can do well, like a trained dog. I can decide. In the
middle of an enemy invasion, falling through space, with
debris flaming around me, I would be making decisions. I'm
just a trained dog, with a Pavlovian response. Feed all the
data in,  James Kirk can decide. I can sit up and beg too. Arf,
arf.

I will bring this ship back to Earth.  I will bring this crew back
to their families.  I will not be defeated. I will not accept
anything less than total success. I sound like Dad, don't I? To
think, I use to tell him I never wanted to be like him. I was a
fool. He did the best he knew how to do, and he loved us. He
is ahead of me on all counts.

Go into the boys room tonight and hug them all for me, and
tell them I love them. I found the last Galactic Batman for
Peter's collection. It should be there next week. I finished the
last paper you published, too. I think we have some hybrid
plants on board ship that might be useful in your experiment.
If you cross pollinate them by hand, you could get one of them
to carry the gene for the hormone. I will get you and Spock
together to discuss it. You will like him, Sam. He is very
special. When we are in your sector, I will make sure he
beams down with me to visit.

I wish you would stop asking me if I'm lonely. The answer is
yes, I am, but dwelling on it doesn't help. I 'm really good at
my job, and there is no way around the isolation that comes
with it. I am not meant to have someone to be beside me,
Sam. Wanting it won't change what is meant to be.

I told you, I know I will die alone.

I have learned to deal with that. Sometimes, I rebel and want
someone to stay the night. Sometimes, I dream that I have
someone who loves me for me. But then I wake up. Be
happy, Big Brother. You have the best of all possible worlds.
You have Aurelan,  a career you love, your health, and
children. I have a silver lady that flies me between the stars.
She gives me the power to make a difference.  She lets me
save the innocents, and see things that no human being has
ever seen before. It will have to do. I'll just get extra blankets
for the nights when I 'm cold. Forgive me if that sounds
melodramatic, or flippant. I am only being truthful.

Stop prying, you snoop. You know I can't tell you where we
are. It's against regs. I have to go now. I will write you again
next week, as usual.


 Love, JT. 

Ps: Would you please stop telling everybody you meet, that
my real name is Squirt, you lying turkey.  I never peed on you
as a baby. You're making it up because Mom always liked
me best. Of course, who could blame her. ;-D