Title: Dear Sam 9
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG 13
Codes: Lang.

Summary:  These are the letters of one Starship Captain, to
his big brother, George Samuel Kirk.  We are grateful to the
Estate of Ambassador Spock, for allowing us to view their
contents. This letter was written after the crew took a
much-needed shoreleave on Antares, where George Kirk
joined
them.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back. 

Dear Sam 9


Dear Sam, 



I don't even want to talk about what you told me on Antares. It
hurts too much right now for me to think about it.  A least we
had some time together before you told me.  Big brother, it's
just not fair.  You're the last one who should have to go
through anything bad in life.  If I could make it so it was me
instead of you, I would do it. Obviously, it's my lot in life to
watch everything I value disappear around me, while I
remained untouched.  I was still trying to get over what you
told me when we went to a diplomatic meeting on Cerate.

I don't know if you heard about it in the news, but while we
were on the planet, we had a little problem.  They tried to kill
their Monarch and we had the bad luck to be along for the
ride.  We fought off the two ships that came after us. It only
saved our asses for a little while, though. The royal yacht
crash landed in the swamps, a long way away from where we
were supposed to be.  The landing dazed me a little, but I
wasn't really hurt.

One of my crew was killed in the crash.

He was only 23, and it was his first tour on Security for a
diplomatic excursion. I just finished the letter to his family.
What do I tell them that makes any sense? I told them their
son died well. Actually, he broke his neck in the crash and
suffocated to death from his lungs not getting the signal to
breathe from his shattered spinal cord.  He died; there is
nothing well about the death of a 23- year-old. Spock broke
both his legs.  I felt like it was one damn thing too many.  I
went a little crazy.  Sam, it was just supposed to be a
diplomatic excursion to an out of the way planet that had
been at peace for 400 years.

Nothing is ever simple for us.  Security for the King decided
that they did not want to be weighted down by an injured
Vulcan, and two injured humans.  I don't blame them. It was a
command decision and a good one from their point of view.
One of the natives from the ship decided to stay and help us.
He was the guy who was on board the ship to keep the
freshers clean.  You never know where your help will come
from.

He led us out of the swamp, around sinkholes, downwind of
creatures that could kill us faster than we could fire.  He
marched us over plants that looked like they would eat us
alive, and made us avoid little flowers that were soft, delicate,
and beautiful to the eye.  We're alive, but two of my people
aren't.  One more of my people died in the swamps. She got
bit by something so fast, that I didn’t see it until after we killed
it. The bite contained a poison that we might have been able
to counteract on the ship, but we were in the swamps.  We
stood by helplessly while she convulsed and died in agony. I
will write the letter to her mother after I finish this one to you.
She was 28 and has a two-year-old daughter that her mother
cares for.

It’s my fault they’re dead. It’s my fault Spock’s alive. I don’t
know how to weigh one fact against the other. We argued
and I think I lost it, Sam.  No, I know I lost it. The worst part is
I'm still so mad about it, that I want to hurt somebody, or
something, really badly.

Spock and I fought because he wanted me to leave him
behind. He said there was no logic in sacrificing any more to
save one person. I told him he didn't have a choice; I was
going to save him whether he wanted to be saved or not.  I
told him that I considered his life to be worth the risk, and I
thought our chances were good of surviving.  He quoted the
odds against us being able to survive the swamps for any
length of time, avoid pursuit, and be rescued by the ship. I
told him I was not interested in the odds; I was not interested
in his opinion, and if I wanted his input on the decision, I
would ask him for it.  He began to quote regulations on the
duty of the First Officer to fully inform his commanding officer
about any pros and cons of his decisions.

I knocked the shit out of him.  Then, I carried him on my back
out of the swamp. I know it was a stupid thing to do. I just
couldn't let him die, Sam.  So, I dug deep, like I was trained
to do, picked him up, and carried him the entire way until they
found us.  I don't think I was conscious at the end.  I'm pretty
sure I was in that fugue state that took me through Tarsus and
every other major crisis in my life.  I don't think anyone has
figured it out yet.

I told M’Benga that the female security guard was too small to
carry Spock. He isn’t in Security so maybe he won’t think
anything about that; she is small. I couldn’t let her try, Sam.
She would see how heavy Spock was and wonder why I
could carry him, so I had to carry him all the way. Hopefully,
Spock won’t think about how I managed it. They keep
forgetting how much heavier Vulcans are compared to
humans.  As long as no one puts two plus two together, I
shouldn't get any uncomfortable questions about how I did it.
I'd probably feel guiltier about messing up like that if I didn't
feel so good about the fact that Spock survived.

Damn, the more I think about it, the madder I am at Spock.
He had no right to question my command decision.  He had
no right to argue with me during a crisis.  I'm going to break
him of that, Sam.  It wasn't just him; the rest of the crew
refused to leave too, even Uhura.  What the hell is going on
here?  I do not want these people to be so damn loyal, that
they die right beside me instead of living to fight some more.
I had no intention of binding them this close to me. I don't
need that kind of responsibility.  The kind that I have is heavy
enough.  When Spock wakes up, we are going to have a
knock down, drag out fight.  He will either stand behind my
decisions and me, or get the hell off my ship.

Love,

Your brother