Ease your mind - Page 4

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane
---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Ways to reject pickup lines

1)	Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2)	The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3)	Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4)	Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5)	A young woman had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
6)	A man came up with a very quick response while on vacation. He was walking down the street and glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said, "What are you looking at?" He said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were good looking. But I was mistaken."
7)	While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver.One of the ladies explained how she handled it. When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
8)	"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."