She passes out on the porch, and forgets everything that happened. When she wakes up, Biff claims to have slept with her, and is doused with beer by his frat brethren.(RS)
2. Mike is a computer science major. If he starts his own company as a freshman, how many years will it take him to get rich and how many decades after that will it take him to finally get a date?
He'll never get rich and never date, and die cold and alone in a gutter in Michigan, because he foolishly chose Win95 as his OS. (RS)
3. It's Anita's first day working at the Silo. If three customers order fries and a drink, one orders a chicken sandwich, two order a milkshake, }one orders a taco, and three more order burgers, how many of those }orders will she forget to put into the queue?
None, but they'll be in the wrong order.(RS)
Nope, speaking from experience, it's three, and the Silo never does orders in the right order anyway. (JR)
4. Kevin and Jay are running for ASUCD office. On election day, if they have fifty campaign volunteers, stationed on the corner of every block, in front of each building, and in front of every voting station handing out fliers, how many fliers will Ashley be handed as she walks from the gym to the Silo?
None. Ashley has mastered the 'flier dodge'. By turning your body at a slight angle from the incoming volunteer and avoiding eye contact, countless trees will be spared. (RS)
I thought the flier dodge was that you take one flier, then wave it conspicuously at every other flier-person, yelling, "I'm going to vote for them! Really I am!" and not tossing the flier until you're on the bus home.(JR)
Bonus question: How many trees will die to ensure Kevin and Jay's election into ASUCD?
Only one, but it was a 2500-year-old sequoia that was home to 12 squirrels, a raccoon family, a spotted owl, a small bat colony, and all manner of vicious stinging insects. (RS)
5. In the Aggie two days ago, there were two ads telling people to recycle it. Yesterday there were four. Today there are three. What percentage of produced Aggies will actually be recycled?
Less than the percentage of pagespace devoted to recycling ads. (RS)
6. The mayor wants to put up a "toad tunnel" so that the toads won't become roadkill. How many frogs will actually USE the tunnel?
None. It's a trick question. Frogs would never use a toad tunnel (RS)
. none. comedy central's daily show installed a 24-hour surveilance camera to prove that. (Lina Reznikov)
7. The bulletin boards in the MU are cleaned off once a month (or something like that, I forget). There are approximately 200 (guessing) clubs on campus. How many days will it take for the boards to be completely covered up again?
Less than one.(RS)
Absolutely right
!
Although I was surprised to discover while having to put up fliers
myself that it takes a full day to cover up the boards in Wellman. (JR)
Wow, it was a total guess.(RS)
8. Chris lives five miles away from campus. How long does it take the smell of cowshit to drift down from school to his apartment?
The smell of cowshit travels at relativistic speeds, and actually arrives before it left. (RS)
. 9. Two Davisites are approaching each other at a rate of 5 meters/second each. What are the odds of them making eye contact?
Zero. Nobody makes eye contact in Davis. Trick question. (JR)
Yep. (RS)
10. During lunch hour of the first week in fall, a tremendous bike accident involving twelve freshmen and a biophysics professor occurs in the roundabout near the silo. How many ticketable infractions does the officer on the scene observe?
I don't know, but OUCH.(JR)
I think it's one of those 'guess how many jellybeans in the jar?' games. I don't know what you win if you guess closest. :) (RS)
11. At 7-4-1 drink night at the Grad, how many drinks could a thinking man drink, if a drinking man could think drinks?
I don't know, but I wanna hear him say that three times fast. (JR)
12. There are three UCD students working at the counter. One is on the cash register, one is watching the one on the cash register and one is talking to a friend on the phone. If you are the first person in line how long will it take until the person on the cash register gets around to checking you through?
25 minutes. (JR)
16. You start at Bainer Hall. If there is a CALPIRG person haunting the Silo, two petitioners trying to save the Endangered Species of the Week near the library, and an Affirmative Action rallier at the MU, what is the quickest path to get to Wellman?
Leave the east enterance, down the stairs, past roesler, thru the chem complex, crossing the street, being careful to not get hit by the insane and/or drunken Unitrans drivers, between walker and the various tb's, then between Hart and that other building, leading to the 'back' enterance to wellman. whew. (Gregory Young)
1. Go down the street on the side of Chem 194.
2. Cross to library end of the street and sneak around the other side of
the bike parking by Walker.
3. Do the "Hart Hall Sneak" by going along the side of the building with
the bushes and then cut across the grass in order to avoid the guys with
the Bibles. (JR)
Simple. Tell the Endangered Species guy that the CalPirg guy fishes without a license, and loves to eat abalone. Then do an end-run around the AA guy during the ensuing fracas. (RS)
17. If it is the middle of October, what is the minimum number of clothing changes necessary to insure comfort throughout the day?
Four.
You start out wearing a t-shirt, plaid shirt, sweatshirt, coat.
Dump the first three layers once you get to class, then slowly pile them
back on as you cool off from running because the bus was late again.
Repeat all day long. (JR)
One. Close the window. (RS)
18. If person A is 500 yards away using a leaf-blower, and person B is 200 yards away snoring, which one will receive a citation first?
Ah, a trick question: it is impossible to use a leaf-blower from 500 yards away. :)
No, of course the snoring guy gets the ticket, because he committed his egregious offense at night, when the law says people are trying to sleep, instead of at 9 in the morning, when I am. (RS)