MY JENNY

Where do I begin? How can I express to you how much Jenny means to me? I am not an eloquent writer or a poet, but it would be an injustice to her if I did not attempt to preserve her memory. I "met" Jenny at Alamak in February 1997. I had been chatting for a couple weeks and had already heard from several people who said they missed her (she had been MIA because her computer was out of service). And after I got to know her, I knew that we would always be friends. We are a lot alike. Our first little joke was that we didn't take any crap from anyone because we were independent! Attitude is everything. And boy did we have attitudes! If someone upset one of us, the other was always coming to the rescue. I can't even count how many people she kicked and/or banned for me. And if I was ever sad or upset about something, it was her MISSION to cheer me up, as it was mine when she was down. And we all know what a nut she was, so she was generally pretty successful at making me smile. She was my faithful everyday e-mailer too. I actually used to get several from her each day. And she never tired of listening to my stories. I could send her a HUGE e-mail complaining about my classes, my roommate, anything... and she would LOVE it! Anyone who ever asked about my roommate got an earful (or should I say an eyeful?) from her! She could sense (across the country and from a computer screen) when I was not happy, even if I said I was. She knew me better that anyone, as I did her. One of my favorite quotes is from Aristotle: "What is friendship? One soul dwelling in two bodies." I would consider someone lucky if he/she found such a friend once in a lifetime. By my own definition, I am a lucky person, because Jenny was - and still is - that friend to me. She had a very low threshold for pain and I would not wish the suffering she would have endured had she lived on anyone, LEAST of all her. I know that it is better that she "went ahead" of us, so to speak. Hmmm... That looks lovely on the screen doesn't it? It's easy enough to say, but it will take my heart a long time to believe it. I did think I was selfish for wanting her here with me still, but a good friend told me that it is not selfish to want our friends with us - it is natural. And while it is true that I desperately want her back, in my heart I know that what I really want is what is best for her. And this way is best. Besides, it's not like I don't know where she is. She's up among the stars with my grandfather. They're watching me and telling each other stories about me and hoping that someday soon I will be happy again. I truly believe that and I know I will be okay. Everything is now out of my hands - it's in stronger, more capable hands. I did everything I could for her when she was here with me, but now someone else is taking care of her. With that, I think I shall bring my incessant ramblings to a close. I would like to share with you some lyrics by Margo Hennebach (whose music has helped me through many a difficult time) that best describe my relationship with Jenny:

I know you
You are a friend of mine
And I'm never gonna let you go
You know me
More than I know myself
I love you more than you could ever know

So there you have it - my story about my confidante, my Nutty Buddy, my friend... MY JENNY.

Carina Gunder
July 7, 1997

Well, it's been almost a year since I wrote that so I thought it was about time to add something to it. I have gone through all the e-mails Jenny and I ever exchanged and picked out some of my favorite passages to share with everyone. It's almost like she's still here when I read the variety of things she has said to me. It's amazing to me how one person can have the power to cheer me up, make me laugh hysterically, bring me to tears of happiness, and just generally make me smile.

The very first e-mail she ever wrote to me actually told me a lot about her. And she typed the whole thing in only seven minutes!

"My name is Jenny. Actually Jennifer, but if you ever call me that I will hunt you down and rip out your heart with my bare hands and then feed it to the wolves. Hope you get my drift. I prefer Jenny. NOBDOY calls me Jennifer and gets away with it."

"Did you know that Jenny means joyful?"

And she was psychic, too... It's always interesting to try to remember your first impression of someone. I think I knew from the first time we talked that we'd be friends. When you talk to someone and every other phrase out of your mouth (or flying from your fingers) is "Me too!" or "I do that all the time!" there's little doubt that you will get along famously!

"I talked to you and I liked you. I go potential friendship, we have lots in common."

I have never met someone so concerned with my feelings or who always wanted to help me the way that Jenny did...

"I am also glad that you thought to write me when you needed a friend. That's what friends are for. You know I love ya and I'll help ya out whenever and however I can."

"Well you know I love ya and I'll do almost anything for you so there's no need to repeat it. Or is there? I'm just kidding. Love ya lots."

And who could ever forget her goofy moods? Even though I never had the opportunity to hear Jenny's voice, it was all clear in my head when she did her 'voices'."

"GAWRSH! (Goofy) I'm in a grrrreat (tony the tiger from the cereal frosted flakes) mood tonight! heehee."

"Strut your Stuff girl."

"Talk to me like I'm two remember!"

People make jokes about spending too much time writing e-mail or chatting, and I will join in and laugh sometimes, but the truth is that without e-mail or Alamak, I never would have had the privilege of knowing Jenny and counting her among my dearest friends. And I know that she felt the same way.

"It's a good idea that we keep emailing. I get more from you than anyone else I know. And I always enjoy reading it."

"Well at least you have fun chatting right? It should be America's favorite pasttime!! Cuz baseball is out."

(She could be Alamak's spokeswoman!)

One of my favorite of Jenny's qualities was her independence and confidence. Our first inside joke was that we were "independent women" who didn't take any crap from anyone. And she wasn't kidding! And she knew what she wanted. That is admirable.

"I find it hard to get along with people my own age. Mostly because they all act the same and worry too much about fitting in. I am not like that. I am who I am and nobody and nothing can or will change that unless I let it, and I do not intend to let that happen."

"Yes I think college is a very good idea for anyone wanting a promising and desiring as well as successful Future. I want all of the above. :-)"

Jenny always made me feel loved. She always told me how she missed me and how she wished we could meet each other. But most of all, she continually told me how much she loved me and valued my friendship, and that meant so much to me...

"OF COURSE I MEANT IT!!!! The fact that I love to get your email and I enjoy reading it. I do! I look forward to it everyday. *smilez* It puts me in a good mood after I've put in a full day of school I come home and I almost ALWAYS have email waiting for me... It makes me feel good... It makes me feel wanted..."

"I just hope you know how much you mean to me and how thankful I am that I have you as one of my closest friends in the world and how much I love you more and more with each passing day."

"Even though we have never met... I still feel as if you are a part of me."

"You know I love you. Can't live without you. *big hugs*"

"I feel so much better talking to you. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing about you. I miss hearing you bitch about your roomate. I miss hearing you say you're studying. I miss you!*BIG GIGANTIC HUGE ASS HUGZ*"

"I got a total of 15 emails from you today alone. Sure did cheer me up."

I often wonder if Jenny knows just how much she is missed. I'm sure she does, but I certainly would give anything for the opportunity to tell her that. One of the eeriest things I came across when re-reading all her e-mails was this quote:

"I have never had the experience of someone that I love, well to put it bluntly, dying on me. Nobody I have ever known has passed on to the other life YET. There will be a day when I have to deal with this sort of pain. I just hope no time soon."

It's very hard for me to read that, but it always makes me realize that things can happen very suddenly. When Jenny wrote that to me, she didn't have an inkling that she would only be with us for a few more short months. Neither did I or anyone else, for that matter. I think that we take things for granted too often and it's very important to cherish what you have when you have it. You never know how much longer you will be able to treasure it.

Carina Gunder
June 25, 1998

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