Deja vu: A tabloid reports that Paula Jones has decided
to get a nose job. "Is that such a good idea? Isn't there
a chance Clinton might not recognize her and hit on her all
over again?" (Jay Leno)

Hail to the Chief: Dennis Rodman was sued for sexual assault
by a Las Vegas woman. She said he invited her to his hotel
room and exposed himself. "This is major trouble. It's a
federal crime to impersonate the president." (Argus Hamilton)

Clap Your Hands: Dan Quayle is hinting that he may run for
president in 2000. "Well, he's sure got the comedy writer's
vote." (Albert Cecera)

Water World: New York is reporting a shortage of lifeguards.
"Well, actually, they are not that needed. I mean most of
the people in New York waters are dead already." (Cecera)

Ten Lashes: A woman in Orlando, Fla., was convicted
of unsafe driving while applying mascara in her car. "The actual
charge was DUA-driving under the influence of Avon."
(Gil Christner)

Hiccup: Scientists have been studying the behavior of
drunken flies. "Of course flies get drunk. Why do you think
they call it getting buzzed?" (Perrotta)

Blind Mating: David Weinlick married Elizabeth Runze
after she applied for the job and was approved by his
family and friends. "Well, that takes all the tension
out of wondering how far to go on the first date."
(Gary Easley)

More: At the marriage ceremony of Weinlick and Runze,
the minister said, "You may now meet the bride." (Easley)

That's No Bull: What will happen to the bulls
now that the NBA finals are over? Michael Jordan could
retire, Scottie Pippen may get traded, and Dennis Rodman
will join the Spice Girls as Nutmeg. (Perrotta)

Say Cheese: "The Monica Lewinsky layout in July Vanity
Fair is selling out around the country. Penthouse
rejected a nude video of Monica. Thought it was fake,
since she wasn't wearing a beret." (LaLa Land Letter)

Mme. Prez: "The people who created Take Our Daughters
To Work Day, the Ms. Foundation, have launched a drive
to put a woman in the Oval Office by 2008. Someone
ought to tell them Monica Lewinsky beat them to it."
(Ira Lawson)

Tricky Ricky: "Rumor has it that Rick Schroder- of
'Silver Spoons' fame- may be replacing Jimmy Smits on
'NYPD Blue.' David Caruso's nightmare continues."
(Albert Perrotta)

Prez Says: "The American Film Institute released its
list of the 100 top movies of all time. President
Clinton was among those polled. He said his all-time
favorite was 'Casablanca,' followed by any flick that
had the name 'Debbie' in its title." (Lawson)

Bucks for Yuks: Variety says Jim Carrey and Robin
Williams make $25 million per movie. "So Congress
shouldn't be afraid to vote themselves a pay raise.
Americans have always felt that great comedians are
worth every penny." (Argus Hamilton)

The Nose Goes: Paula Jones is reported to have had
plastic surgery to reduce the size of her nose.
"It's a good thing. Now she'll be able to turn
around in her trailer." (Gayle Portnow)

Potatoe, Potahto: "When Al Gore congratulated the
Bulls and said Michael Jackson was a great ballplayer,
his mistake was no naive goof. It was shrewd strategy.
He aims to split the idiot vote with Dan Quayle in the
next election." (Hamilton)

Babygate: The first birth has been shown on the Internet.
"And just out of habit, Bill Gates ordered Microsoft to
film 100 births the next day, so he could corner the
live-birth market." (Joshua Sostrin)

Frappuccino Frenzy: Two Starbucks in Seattle will soon
offer liquor in their stores. "What's next? A Starbucks
on every block?" (Andrew Wisot)

Oscar Part I: The U.S. Naval Academy was awash in
controversy after revelations that a star football player
who violated campus sex rules was allowed to graduate
while others, including his lover, faced expulsion. "At
graduation, the football star remarked, 'I'd like to thank
the academy.' " (Johnny Robish)

Oscar Part II: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and
Sciences says next year's Oscar ceremonies will be held on
a Sunday for the first time. "Although the award show will
start Sunday, the speeches will end on Tuesday."
(Mark Wheeler)

Deep Star Impact: A newly discovered giant gas planet is
believed to be 15 light years away from Earth. "But
scientists think it's really just an image of Kenneth
Starr." (Wisot)

Book 'Em: Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is shopping for a book
deal. "The publishers at Simon & Schuster flipped a coin
to see who would open his handwritten, four-page letter."
(Kenny Noble Cortes)

Audible Audits: The House of Representatives approved a
massive overhaul of the IRS by a vote of 402-8. "When
informed that he will be audited, House Speaker Newt
Gingrich said, 'Did I say overhaul? No, I meant overall,
that's it--overall, the IRS is doing great.'" (Alex
Kaseberg)

If They Won't Sit, You Must Acquit: Johnnie Cochran is
defending a couple of barking Rottweilers who belong to
basketball star Ray Allen's mother. "He's claiming the
barks were planted by LAPD K9 units." (Bill Williams)

Computer Banking: Windows 98 has finally arrived in
stores. "It has some nifty new features. For example,
the program can send your money directly into Bill
Gates' bank account." (Premiere Radio)

Bogart This: "A close friend that Monica Lewinsky
confided in, said that she and Bill did have a
relationship, but it was basically like foreplay,
and was never taken to completion.... Poor Clinton.
Even in his love affairs he doesn't get to inhale."
(Williams)