FADE IN EXT. VERANDA IN MEXICO. NIGHT ED, late 50s slightly overweight, gray, and JOE, 30s, athletic, hispanic, sit on the veranda looking out across a large lake. To the south they can see mountins. The sun is just below the horizion so you can no longer see it, but it lights the sky and the bottoms of the clouds with a bright gold color. The two men sit watching the sight silently. JOE It looks like millions of gold dubbloons the way the sun is shining on the bottoms of the clouds. Just like millions. ED I know where there are millions in gold...... JOE What? You know where there are millions in gold? ED Millions in gold dubloons with a curse on them...... SAUNDRA, 50s, voluptous, very atractive, enters carrying a tray of drinks. SAUNDRA Ed, you might as well not start that story again. ED Well, I am sick and tired of keeping it to myself. Maybe someone else can come up with an idea on how to recover it. SAUNDRA What do we need with it? We live well enough here. ED I've thought about it for over 3 years, Joe, and I can't come up with a solution. Maybe you can, SAUNDRA Well, at least there are several extra shares now that three have died. ED Okay, Joe, here's the story.... Ed sits back in his chair looking at the sky. INT. CAFE. NIGHT BILL, 40s slender quiet type, JERIE, petite, almost mousy, DON, tall handsome 30s and SUSAN, slight very blond, are sitting at a table for 8. MIKE, 20s, very rubust looks like a construction worker and MARLA, sweet brunette, have just joined the group. BILL Hey, Mike, where the hell's Ed? He's usually here by now. MIKE I don't know, but you're right, in 7 years, he's never been late. MIKE I'll bet he got caught in traffic around the IRS building. Its terrible today with everyone trying to get their return in at the last minute. MARLA It isn't fair. I've heard that it's possible the IRS is even illegal. BILL You're right, it isn't fair. They are like an American version of the 'SS'. MIKE Hey, I heard it was a volentary 'contribution'. MARLA If its volentary than I'm going to quit volenteering. BILL I wouldn't, if I were you. JERRIE In just three years I'll bet we've 'volenteered' over 40 thousand to that hole in the ground. Don is looking up at the ceiling with his hands steepled in front of his lips, looking like he was in great thought. DON Did you ever think there might be some business that you could invent that would be free of the IRS? Susan looks exasperated. SUSAN Not now, Don. DON I have thought about it for a long time, and I am trying to figure out how you could make money using your brain only to produce the things you need. SUSAN First you have to start with a brain. DON The IRS still hasn't started taxing your thoughts, so if you could convert them directly into food and clothing, you would have a tax free enterprise. BILL Sounds like a winner to me, but, let me guess, you haven't figured it out yet, right? DON Maybe...... BILL Well, lets hear it then. How come you aren't doing it? DON There's a business that you can get into for less than 150 bucks, where you will control over ten thousand workers who will work for you for only a home with no plumbing or electricity, with no benefits, and will allow you to search their house when ever you want and take everything that they have saved. SUSAN Here we go again. DON You wont even have to pay social security for them or deduct income tax from their pay, they don't have any pay. SUSAN I've heard all this before, may I be excused? Susan makes a motion as if to leave the table then sits back down. SUSAN He has been working on this problem for as long as I have known him, and this is the best he can do. It isn't worth 10 years of thought. Ed and Sandra enter. ED Hi gang, sorry we are late, but the IRS has traffic backed up all the way to Onion Creek. Thank god I won't have to pay them anything any more. BILL What the hell are you talking about, did you just find the answer to our prayers, a job with no income tax? ED Well, not quite, but you're halfway right, a job with no income. TVI has just closed their doors, and I'm now unemployed. 17 years with TVI and I'm out. DON Well at least you have your retirement fund, or a golden parachute, or something like that don't you? ED All I got was my last pay check. DON Wow, that's a real downer but you won't have much trouble getting something else with your experience. There are allot of defense industries out there looking for EE's. ED I hope you're right. Ed sighs. BILL We were just talking about how to beat the IRS, Don was just about to regale us with his version of a 'sweetheart' business that allows you not to pay the employees. ED Sounds immoral to me. Anyway, I'm looking for one that will pay their employes. I just found one that won't. BILL Well, Don, what is this business? Ed needs something to do, and I'll bet he could come up with the 150 bucks. DON Well, I figure that an apiary is what you need. ED What is an apiary. DON A bee hive or two or three. DON See, you don't even have to feed the workers, they find their own. There is no paper work to keep, and you don't even have to remember their names! BILL I thought you were serious, Don. DON Its a perfect business, unless you get stung. And that's true of any business. Don laughs ED I don't think my neighbors would think much of that idea Don, Onion Creek is kind of picky about how you live. DON You cant even have pets? ED They won't even let you park a car on the street if it isn't in running condition. Can you imagine Bill out there with his collection of junkers. DON They would tar and feather him and ride him out of town on a rail. BILL Those aren't junkers. They're collectors items and someday I will sell them for what they are worth and retire. ED After the IRS gets their share of the money you'll be lucky to be able to pay for this dinner. Don is staring off into space. DON You know, when you sign your IRS form at the bottom, it says something like 'for the rest of my life I will be bound by this document and any perjury that I have committed'. ED Yeah, that's always bothered me. Not that I cheat or anything, just the lifetime jeprody. DON So when you pay your income tax, you are subjecting yourself to danger for the rest of your life. BILL If you dont pay it you're endangered for the rest of your life. DON But think about this, when you rob a bank, you are only at risk for a few minutes. Either you get away, or you dont. BILL The proceeds are tax free and you face less risk than by filing your 1040 on a legitimate business. MIKE I think the risk reward ratio is about even. Neither is good. Besides, I dont like close places. Don looks at Ed. DON You know, if you collect Unemployment insurance, you will have to pay income tax on that. ED No, I didnt know that. This is the first time I've ever been unemployed. DON Unemployment and Social Security are the only insurance's you have to pay income tax on! MIKE Insurance is supposed to be tax free. Its because Social Security and Unemployment are government run insurance, and there is no lobby to fight for you in congress. DON I wonder if Clintons national health insurance with its mandatory contributions will be tax free when you use it MIKE You're dreaming, Don. Of course you will have to pay taxes on it, how do you think Clinton will pay for it? SUSAN Taxes are a ratchet, they only go one way, ... up! INT. EDS CAR. NIGHT Ed is driving with Saundra beside him. ED Its getting discouraging. No one wants an old man. SAUNDRA Its only been a week, Ed. We will find something. Lets just enjoy dinner tonight and forget about it for now. ED Well, at least the house is paid for. SAUNDRA Sometimes I wish I'd finished law school. My secretarial job won't support us forever. ED You know, I never thought about age discrimination when I was employed, but now I see it everywhere. SAUNDRA I think you are reading too much into your rejections. ED No, when they tell you they only hire at entry level, thats age discrimination. They know you won't apply for entry level when you're 50 years old. SAUNDRA Well, you didn't want to work for 3M anyway. Ed drives into the parking lot at the cafe. INT. CAFE. NIGHT. Ed and Saundra walk up to the table where the group is seated. DON Did you get an offer at 3M? ED No, they wouldn't even take my application. DON Well, as I said last week, you could rob a bank and just retire. The laughter ripples around the table except for Bill and Jerrie. ED What's the matter with you two, I am the one without a job.? BILL We may have lost ours, or soon will. ED You can't lose yours, you're the owner of the bussiness. JERRIE Not for much longer. BILL Daltons Book stores is opening up across the street in the mall. It'll put us out of business. JERRIE Only three people came into the store today. Thats boreing as well as expensive. ED Damn, thats another downer. What're you gonna do about it? BILL Mom and Pop book stores are out these days. Maybe we could both go back to teaching. They always need teachers. JERRIE I already called a friend of mine at the high school and she said there was an opening for a part time teacher that would probably turn full time by the end of the semester. BILL I think we will try to hold on with just me running things, for a while anyway. JERRIE I wish we had sold the place to that idiot from San Antonio who made that ridiculous offer three years ago when things were booming. BILL If he walked in now and made that offer I would snap it up in a second. JERRIE Fat chance of that happening, With the current economy and that new book store we will be lucky to get half that much. MARLA We're looking for a new travel agent, one of ours quit today. Things aren't looking up just yet, but we have to keep the desks full. Mike looks at Marla angrily then speaks to Ed. MIKE We always have to get help that is better than the one that left. There is no time to train someone, they have to hit the ground running SAUNDRA Ed has been thinking about a new career. Maybe that travel agent thing wouldn't be to bad. At least we could get some cut rate travel out of the deal Mike rolls his eyes back looking at Marla who has a weak "ouch" look on her face as she bites her lip. SAUNDRA Maybe we could make enough to open a garage after a few years, or maybe the economy will come back and he could return to engineering DON Hey, lets order something, I'm hungry. How about if I buy a bottle of wine to celebrate Marlas new job? INT. DONS BEDROOM. NIGHT Don enters. Susan is in bed. DON Cummon, Suzie, you gotta get up. Its time to go. You're late. SUSAN Damn, I overslept. What time is it? DON Its 6:30. You have 30 minutes to get there. SUSAN I dont like this night shift stuff. DON I can't help it. If I could've kept you on at the lab I'd have done it. SUSAN I know, but working for you was alot better than this night shift nursing. DON Its only been three days. You'll get used to it. SUSAN I hope you get another contract, I liked having us both work at the same place. DON When we lost that contract there was only enough money for one doctor and no nurses. Not much chance of getting another now that the "Evil Empire" has been defeated. SUSAN Maybe you could go back into private practice and I could be your office nurse. DON I'm all for our working together. I dont like an empty bed. SUSAN You'll get used to it. DON I don't want to get used to it! By the way my car is running kind of funny. I'll have to use yours tommorow. SUSAN What do you mean funny? DON Nothing important, just a little miss. SUSAN I should have married Bill, he has lots of cars. DON Well, at least you got the one with the Air Conditioning. INT. CAFE. NIGHT Don, Mike, Marla, Bill and Jerrie are at the table. DON Suzie can't make it tonight. That new job is killing us both. I swear, the only thing keeping us together is the fact we don't see each other anymore. MIKE Its been a rough week for averyone, I guess. The heat is deadly. BILL I'm glad the work week is over, but this heat will go on all weekend according to the weatherman. MARLA I think Don has lapsed into his famous "I'm thinking mode." Ed and Saundra enter. Don is daydreaming, Marla reaches over and shakes him. MARLA What are you dreaming about this time? DON Well, if you must know, I was thinking about robbing a bank. ED This is the third or fourth week in a row that you have brought up the subject of robbing a bank. Do you have something planned or are you just trying to be funny? DON I'm seriously thinking about just that, Ed A stunned silence settles over the table. ED You really mean it? DON Its a satisfying thought. ED Don, you are the one person here with the least to complain about financially. DON Its not financially that I am complaining about, Ed, its just all the frustrations of life in general. ED Money won't fix those. DON Maybe not, but a great deal of money might and I don't think I'll win the lottery soon. ED I have always said that crime does not pay because the people who are smart enough to make it pay are smart enough to know they wont get away with it. MARLA That's a contradiction. If you are smart enough to make it pay, then you are smart enough to get away with it. DON Does that mean you might be interested? ED Maybe. BILL Not me, but I'll listen. DON Not here, and not without Susan being present. ED It has to be 'all for one and one for all' or it wont work. DON And anyway, we need to be somewhere else besides in this restaurant to talk about this. ED Lets have dinner at my place next Friday. Okay? INT. TRAVEL AGENCY. DAY Mike and Marla are sitting alone at a desk MIKE You know, Don might have an idea there with his bank robery. MARLA Thats crap, Mike. You know we cant do that. MIKE Well, what are we gonna do if that suit aginst us succeeds? MARLA How can it, it wasnt our fault that the ship burned? MIKE Thats not the point in law. They dont care whose fault it is anymore, just follow the game plan and screw someone. MARLA We could win. MIKE Even if we win we lose. The cost of fighting the suit will bankrupt the agency. MARLA Do you realy think so? MIKE If we win we wont get any lawyers fees unless we counter sue and our lawyer wont try to do that. The insurance company pays him. INT. DONS BEDROOM. NIGHT Don and Susan are getting dressed to go out. SUSAN Why are we going to Ed's for dinner? We have been going to the China Vase for years. DON Well, Ed is out of work and so last week, we agreed that to save money Mike and Marla would cook a Chinese dinner at Ed's house and we could all share the grocery expense. SUSAN If it turns out well, maybe we could try rotating from house to house and doing it ourselves from now on. DON None of us likes to cook, so that way each couple would only have to cook once a month! INT. DONS CAR. NIGHT Don and Susan drive into Eds driveway. SUSAN I thought Mike and Marla were going to cook tonight. I don't see their car DON Maybe they are cooking it at home and then bringing it over here? Don and Susan park the car and go to the door. They are met by Saundra who lets them in. INT. EDS LIVINGROOM. NIGHT The entire group is present except for Mike and Marla SAUNDRA Well, what do you think, Susan? Do you think it will work? Are you ready to retire? SUSAN What are you talking about? Will what work? ED Don, didn't you tell her why we were meeting here tonight? Didn't you tell her we were going to rob a bank? SUSAN What? You guys are kidding. What is this really all about? I know its not my birthday. What's the surprise party all about? DON I didn't want to tell you until we were all together so the others could help me convince you. Last week we started talking seriously about robbing a bank. SUSAN Don, you are as mad as a hatter. What is this all about? You didn't talk all these people into some crazy idea did you? DON You'll like the idea, Suzie. SUSAN Don, this just isn't right, you couldn't have involved all these innocent friends of ours in such a ridiculous adventure as this? DON No ones involved in anything yet. SUSAN You wouldn't do this would you? ED Lets get some dinner in our bellies before we talk any more about this SUSAN I don't think I'm hungry DON Come on, we don't have to make any decisions now, Its not cast in concrete. Lets eat and we can discuss it later. EXT. EDS PATIO. LATER SUSAN When? ED When, what SUSAN When are we going to rob that bank? What bank are we going to rob? DON I have been thinking about this and there are several real easy ways to do it. But the main thing is not getting caught. BILL Now theres the man we need for a leader. Yeah, dont get caught. DON You see, most bank robbers complete the robbery part of the job and get away scott free. Its later that they get caught because of something they did, or left undone. BILL I told you, the guys a genius. They get caught because of something they did or something they didnt do. I tell you that's genius. DON Cummon, Bill, give me a chance. Okey? ED Yeah, Bill, let him finish. DON The 'left undone' category usually has to do with the original planning, and the 'did' category usually has to do with after the successful robbery. ED Do you have a list of do's and don'ts? DON I have a small list, and I expect you guys to help me to expand it. ED We're still listening. DON We will plan this thing for at least a month. Most bank robberies are spur of the moment things, and that is one of the big reason that they fail. SUSAN We may not plan it at all if I have anything to say about it. This is crazy. DON We want this one to be perfect, because you don't want to have to do it again. That is a second reason bank robbers get caught. Mike and Marla enter. MIKE Sorry we're late, we got stoped for speeding on the way over here. SUSAN This is an omen. Lets forget the whole thing. MIKE Hey, I wasnt speeding and I talked him out of the ticket. SUSAN Then maybe you could talk the bank out of the money and we could forget the robbery. DON Anyone want to hear the rest of this? ED I do. Everyone sits down. DON Most robbers only net a couple of thousand dollars, so a month later they have to do it again. Every time they repeat the job, they increase their risk of capture. ED I couldn't do it more than once from a psycological standpoint. SAUNDRA Sometimes he cant do it once. Laughter from all the group but Don. DON We are only going to do it once. That's why I'm calling it 'the Quickie'. It has to be right, and it has to net us at least a million each. MIKE Thats eight million. Why a million each. DON Because thats what I figured I wanted. If we accept less, we won't be able to do what we want to do unless we commit multiple robberies, and I am not willing to do more than one. ED It will be hard enough to plan one perfect crime. Too many unpredictables to try for two. MIKE What do you mean, "unpredictables." ED Its allot like writing a computer program. You can never be sure what the idiot at the keyboard will do DON Thats right, so first you tell him what to do, then you check to see what he did. If he didn't do what he was supposed to do, you chastise him, stop what he did from damaging the data, then ask him again to give the correct response. ED When you hear of 'buggy' software, it's usually caused by a programmer who forgot to check for improper responses, and the program crashes. DON That's right, we will each have a job, and each of us will have to do his job. ED If one person fails we will have built in traps to catch the error and prevent it from causing failure. DON I have thought about our talents during the past week and I have come up with some assignments. ED Did you decide who was the leader of this gang? DON We can only have one leader, and I'm it. Anyone have any problems with that? BILL No. Does that mean you go to jail if it fails? MARLA You have the plan, so you are the man. DON It has to be that way to avoid confusion. ED I think we should all vote on crucial parts of the plan, and we will all make contributions to the plan, but in the end. Dons the leader DON I will make any absolute decisions that have to be made. BILL Okey, for now, until I decide if I am in or not. DON Now, because I am a medical doctor, my main responsibility will be to prevent any injuries from becoming serious, and to make sure none of us has to resort to a hospital. SUSAN Look, you are loosing me now. If this may cause injurys I'm out. ... And so are you, Don. DON You would be surprised at how many crimes are solved because a participant in the crime was injured and then had to resort to using outside help to save his life. I will be our 'life saver'. SAUNDRA You mean one of us might get shot? DON Well, I was trying to avoid that exact wording, but yes, Sandra, one of us might get shot. ED I don't think the odds of that are very good if we do a good job of planning, but we should accept that possibility, and plan for it. DON Susan is a nurse, so she will be my back up, or perhaps be the first line of defense in case I am not on the spot, like a 'medic'. SUSAN We're not sure I'm going to be there yet. DON She could stabilize a situation until I could get there. JERRIE How do you plan on using a book store cleark and bookkeeper? DON Jerrie, you're a teacher, and have done allot of research, so you will be our 'book worm'. JERRIE To start with I dont like being called a worm. DON Your job will be to find out all the details we need during the planning stages, and Bill will be your back up and 'source' since you'll be able to get a hold of any books. MARLA And I suppose Mike and I will plan the getaway. Marla laughs. DON Yes, seriously, you and Mike will be in charge of all transportation, from get away to international travel to leave the country. SUSAN Leave the country? Why are we going to do that? DON Even if its a perfect crime we dont want to stay here. You dont want to pay income tax on it do you? MARLA I saw a book in a magazine that tells you how to get fake passports. DON Okey, you can be in charge of that, Mike, you are 'transportation' and Marla, you are 'papers'. ED So I guess I am in charge of aircraft countermeasures. Thats what I have been doing for the past 17 years. DON Ed is an 'engineer', he will handle all the dirty tricks, electronics, mechanical, locks, and other such stuff. SAUNDRA I guess my training as a legal seceretary makes me a natural for contacting the lawyer who is going to bail us out if this thing fails. DON It isnt going to fail. SAUNDRA Then I guess I dont have a job. Thats Okey by me. DON You will handle all our legal needs. This will include 'protocol' for entering the bank at the right time, any necessary access to any office, or facility along the way, not just the bank. ED Now we know what we will do, just what will we do. DON Did you all notice that each of you has a code name? BILL I guess I wasn't listening, what's mine? DON Bill, you are Source, Jerrie you are Bookworm, Marla, you are Papers, Mike is Transportation, Ed is Engineer, Sandra is Protocol, Susan is Medic, and I am Lifesaver. ED Yeah, but why? DON Because from now on out, during our planning sessions we will use our nick names. This way, if we are overheard, no one will know who we are. BILL You've read too many spy novels. Why not mix up the names so they wont know what we are doing either. SUSAN That would be nice, because you don't know what you are doing. DON Trust me, give it a try. ED Sounds Mickey Mouse to me, but I'll give it a try. DON We will start with a skeleton of the job, and then flesh it out until we have a complete turkey. MARLA I think that might be an unfortunate choice of words. Maybe you should use some other simile. MIKE Do we have a 'target' picked out for this turkey shoot, or are we just going to do a drive by bank robbery, sort of target of opportunity? All but Don laughed at the joke. DON I am not sure you are all taking this thing seriously enough. If you think that this is just a lark, we better stop right now. ED Okey, Dons right. This is a real serious business, and if we don't treat it that way, we will fail, and all end in jail. DON Papers, to answer your question, we will have to research carefully till we find just the right bank. JERRIE And I guess thats my job right? DON Right. It will take research. Bookworm, thats your job. ED I want to work with Jerrie at first, because the ease of the job will be determined by which bank we chose. DON You didnt use her code name! ED Its not easy to remember these names. I've watched allot of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, I dont remember seeing them do that. SUSAN Don, I better not have anything to do. DON Medic, you have forgotten to use my code name. It may be dangerous to your own husbands health if you continue to identify me that way. SUSAN I think the names are silly. DON Look, I promise you that we will do everything to prevent bloodshed. We aren't even going to have guns. SUSAN You better work this out so there is zero physical risk. If anyone gets hurt I will feel like its my fault because I was the last one to agree. JERRIE Well, I for one need some more of that bar-b-que. Jerrie walks across the patio to the kitchen. JERRIE I would like to nominate Ed and Sandra as 'cook' for the duration. ED After years of Chineese on Friday nights, bar-b- que would be a nice change. BILL I'll vote for that, Lone Star Beer and bar-b-que. INT. CAFE. NIGHT A WEEK LATER The conspiritors are sitting At their regular table. DON How's the research project coming, Jerrie? JERRIE Its far from finished. Its going to take a least another two weeks, and if Ed doesn't stop interfering, I may never get done. ED Hey, I am not interfering, I am just pointing out the faults with certain, uh.. uh.. clients. DON Don't get loud, Ed, I was just trying to get a feel for where we were. ED We're nowhere as far as I can tell. DON Look, this project will take about a year to complete, and we all need to get along during that year better than we have for the past 7 years. ED Well, Jerrie keeps comming up with crap. DON Ed, I know you are under alot of