The Name Has Been Changed to Protect Mr. Innocent

By Diane Krueger

Being relatively new to the "trying to get published" scene, I find myself floundering, making mistakes, and even by luck getting a few acceptances!

Like many newcomers, I've entered contests, submitted to both large and small presses and so forth. The most frustrating thing I've found thus far is the fact that many, although not all, anthology publishers do not put their telephone number on their letterheads. This is fine until you need to speak to someone quickly. Then! Frustration really sets in.

The following letter was sent to one such editor. I have changed his name and omitted his address for obvious reasons.


"Dear Mr. Jones:

Would the real Ziggy Jones please stand up? (Am I dating myself?)

I tried all day long to locate you by phone but to no avail. To some poor college professors dismay I found Dr. Zigfield Jones, first at home, then at his university. I did find out that he HAS published only one poem in his entire life, and a cousin of his is a screen writer. Then, Mrs. Ziggy Jones came home from either work or shopping to find me looking for her husband, Zigfield Jones. He doesn't publish poetry either! I only hope people believed me and that I did not cause too many marital disorders today. My quest was so unsuccessful I am finally biting the bullet and writing, regardless of how much time is lost by doing so.

PLEASE send me your phone number, if you really do exist!

My search for you was for two separate things.

Again, thank you for your offer. Hopefully, we'll be doing this project together.


Sincerely yours,"


Now I sit home, not too patiently, awaiting a response from Mr. Jones. I have to admit I probably blew an opportunity, however I honestly believe I have the right for personal contact with a publisher.

Knowing my patience must be wailing, my heart thudding, I have to wonder how long it will take for his response since I have a deadline to meet.


Postscript To Mr. Innocent:


Two and a half weeks later I received his reply by mail, which read:


"Dear Diane,

Thank you for your inquiry letter. What a terrible time you had reaching me by phone. We don't have a listed number because of calls we get from poets who are not sincere and simply want to waste our time. We prefer to handle our matters through correspondence.

Let me try to answer your questions . . .

Your chapter in this special book will certainly be an asset. I hope you can participate.


Sincerely,

Ziggy"


Needless to say I answered! Here goes:


"Dear Ziggy:

You are quickly becoming my not so favorite pen pal!

Enclosed you will find my manuscript. Hopefully this will prove to you that I am a serious writer who wants her work seen by others. Without exposure I will not be able to be sought after by a real publisher, wanting to do and promote a book by me.

Now for another question . . .

Thanking you for your time and the opportunity of being included. Hopefully we are still speaking!


Sincerely,

Diane


P.S.

NOW, can I have your phone number for future reference, as I have proven my sincerity? It really makes life easier, and I also do like the personal touch. Thanks!"

All the writing included is copyrighted 1995 by Diane Krueger and all rights remain with the author.

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