1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you
2. hit them several times with a sledge hammer.
3. You get hypo from breathing.
4. You get tired from doing nothing.
5. You like watching rugby because the grass always looks green.
6. You like eating spudz cos you think that you might fly when you crap them out.
7. You laugh during sex cos it's "funny for you."
8. Everyone appears to have tentacles growing out of places you wouldn't expect
9. tentacles to be growing from.
10. You write to your mother in germany every week, even though she sends you
11. mail from iowa asking why you never write.
12. You're always having to appologise to your next door neighbour for setting
13. his lawn decorations on fire.
14. Every advert you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
15. People stay away from you whenever you howl.
16. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
17. You laugh out loud during funerals.
18. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through
19. that scuba mask.
20. You begin to stop and consider all the blades of grass you've stepped on as
21. a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to oneday seek revenge.
22. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
23. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little
24. illusion.
25. You collect dead windowsill flies.
26. Every time the phone rings you shout"hey! an angel just got it's wings!"
27. You like cats. especially with mayo.
28. You scream "i've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
29. You scresm "i've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
30. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
31. Whenever you listen to the radio the music sounds backwards.
32. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
33. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
34. middle of your front lawn.
35. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it,
36. and you tell him it's for securaty reasons.
37. When the waitor asks you for your order you ask to go into another room
38. because "the napkins have ears"
39. Your main goal in life is to become president of bulemia.
40. Nearly everything you say involves the word "p-toing!"
41. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to
42. be loved by an infectious disease.
43. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time and petend
44. you're a stalk.
45. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
46. People offer you help, but unfortunately you interpret this as a violation

of your rights as a boysenberry.

47. You hear the DJ on the radio state that, "you are aloud ridiculous thoughts, like, I am a fish, I am a fish" an you believe him.

JFlitter@xtra.co.nz