Throughout all this year, I never told anyone that anything was wrong with me. Of course people knew I looked thin, but most thought this was on purpose. I continued to work, hiding my personal problems from everyone. My husband knew, but I rarely talked about anything with him, and tried to meet social commitments as best I could. My daughters, both young women now, were given only a vague, sugar-coated version. They knew the truth, but only a partial, easy to handle truth. The one person I could really talk to and depend on was Rosann. I will always be grateful to her for being there for me and for listening to all my complaining. She knew it all - every gory detail, every humiliating moment, every fear. She even carried extra maxi pads for me occasionally. We set it up so she would sit behind me in church, so she could sit me down or throw a coat over me if I had a messy accident. Whenever I needed tea and sympathy, she was there to give it to me. And, best of all, she never spoke a word. I could trust her implicitly to keep my closely guarded secrets. She and I are still close, and undoubtedly will remain so for the rest of our lives. I will never be able to repay her for being my confidante.
I believe everyone needs someone they can truly confide in. We need to be able to say anything, without reservation, and know that no judgement will be passed and no gossip will be started. We need a sympathetic listener. We need that special person who is there for us, and can crawl deep down in the well where we are emotionally and stay there for a while, and then help us climb back up. This is one of the reasons I decided to make this site. I pray that if anyone is feeling isolated and needs someone to be there, I can be that someone. I believe the greatest gift I can give Rosann is to pass alone her kindness and empathy to someone else. I've gotten long and tearful email from people who just needed a confidante. Each time I see one, I do my best to be someone else's Rosann...just to know what they are feeling and to walk through the burning coals with them.
Rosann and my cat quilt were my best friends during the best of times and during the worst of times. My cat quilt was a birthday present from my husband several years ago. It's a regular quilt with little black cats and pink flowers on it. It's my napping quilt, my feeling sorry for myself quilt, my being cold and tired quilt, and my crying quilt. I don't know why, but it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel good. And, Lord knows, I needed something to help me feel safe and good.