In the Thoughts of Ginta by Stephanie Taylor Empty. Empty. Itıs just empty. I canıt think. I canıt feel anything. Why? Why donıt I feel upset? Why havenıt I rammed my hand into the wall? Why am I sitting so quietly on the edge of my bed, staring blankly into space? Maybe Iım just feeling numb and the whole reality will set in in a few minutes. Then Iıll be in dispair. I hope so. I deserve it. I really deserve it! Miki. Miki, Iım stupid. Iım a real jerk. Why did.... how could you like me enough to write that letter? Wonderful Miki. Iıve liked you since, oh, I donıt know when. Forever. When we were in 1st grade you tripped in the playground and I helped you up, and that was such a nice feeling. Maybe even then I liked you. Maybe even before. But I could be happy that way. Just liking you secretly would be enough. I didnıt need to tell you my feelings. Not yet. No. Liar. Ginta, youıre really a total creep, arenıt you? Thatıs a lie. The truth is Iım a COWARD! A wimp. Thatıs why this happened. Thatıs why.... I hurt Miki. Hurt her, hurt her, hurt her! Sheıs so honest, so kind. And Iıve crushed her like an insect. Miki. You shouldnıt have trusted me. You shouldnıt have been my friend. A loser like me. But of course you would be, wouldnıt you, Miki? You would be friends with anyone. But I donıt deserve having known you. Let alone being your friend. And I didnıt even realize what a jerk I am. Not until after this happened. How stupid! I didnıt even know it all along! Miki. Youıre like a summer flower, so bright and sunny. Now Iıve injured you more than anyone else. By my stupidity and because Iım a coward. The letter. I was so happy to get it. You wonıt ever know how I felt seeing your ashen face through the doorway. Your hollow eyes boring into me. Itıs like everything stopped at that second. Until my dry throat could finally yell your name. But then you were gone. And I couldnıt look at anyone. ³Ginta, you hurt her feelings!² one of them said. ³Youıd better go tell her youıre sorry,² someone else said. But to chase after you now would be cruel. The pain in your eyes.... I donıt want to ever see such a look again.... coming from you. You should never have that look, Miki. Aa, Miki! This is too unfair! The one who should be punished should never be you. I canıt take it back. Itıs really happened. ITıS REAL. Ginta, you moron, donıt stop thinking that until you die!! Donıt think of anything else for a second! Think about what youıve done! Itıs real. Itıs real. Itıs real. Itıs real. Miki. I hurt her!!! Ginta, whatıs your problem?! To hurt an angel like Miki!!! For once even cursing wonıt let the anger out. This time I canıt express anything that way. It doesnıt fit this time. This is shame. Sorrow. Anger. But still numbness. Hateful, hateful Ginta!!! Mikiıs love, Ginta.... Why, Miki? Out of every guy in the school you liked me? What did you like, I wonder? Aa, the mirror. In the mirror.... A decent-looking guy. Nice hair, kinda trim build. Big eyes. If thatıs what you liked, Miki, Iıll ruin it all! I donıt deserve to be liked by a person like you!! If I could pound myself Iıd do it but Iım probably too much of a coward to hit hard enough, arenıt I? Aaa, scissors! Whereıs the scissors?! Yeah. Cut! Cut it all!! Gone, gone, gone. Be ugly, Ginta. Youıre ugly. Inside you are. No self-respecting guy would do what youıve done. There. Now the inside matches the outside. Awful. Chestnut strands of hair scattered about my feet. Iım glad. If I could cry Iıd look even worse, but Iım such a jerk that I canıt cry! Horrid, horrid, terrible idiot! I could jab my eyes out with the scissors. Yes. But then Iıd be blind. Thatıd be a cop-out! Iıll have to face you again and see those eyes. Your deep chocolate-brown eyes. Which will never watch me the same way again. Which wonıt be warm and joyful. Ha, even this is stupid. So you were attracted to me, Miki, but you would look beneath the surface. Changing my appearance is really just on the outside. What were all of the other things that you liked about me? That Iıve now shown are worthless contrasted to my awful mistake? Iım really the biggest idiot and unkind excuse for a man! I didnıt understand you. No, I didnıt understand anything. If I did, I wouldnıt have participated in that agreement. But I was foolish and a complete coward. I couldnıt stand up to everyone so I agreed. Actually, that wouldnıt have been so bad had I not been embarassed about the letter. I could have told the truth at that moment, said that you liking me was surprising news. That Iıd have to think about what to do about it. Or maybe even said that yeah, I like her too. No. This canıt be real. Iıd wish. But it IS, Ginta. Donıt forget that! If I knew a guy who did this to Miki Iıd clobbler him to the ground. Iıd bash his face in! Iıd make his life MISERABLE. But who is there to do this for me? What I deserve. Miki, can you hate me forever? Even that wouldnıt be enough. Miki, dear Miki, you couldnıt hate even me forever. Youıre too sweet. I donıt deserve your friendship! Well at least we canıt be friends now! Iıve ruined all that myself! If only you could go on being happy without me. But youıre not happy. Because of me. Itıs all my fault. Whatever youıre feeling right now.... I canıt stand it. I did this to you!!! Miki. ::sigh:: Mi...ki. Lovely girl, if I never see your face again it would be.... no, to see you every day in school from now on is a better penalty. But not for you. You should not have to.... suff...er. Miki. Closing my eyes, I see you. Donıt say anything to me in my head, Miki. Donıt be kind to me. Or forgiving. Ginta, donıt even imagine such a thing. But I can see you, Miki, collapsed on your bed. No, on the way home. In a street alleyway crying. Sobbing. Dejected. Wounded. This isnıt helping. Imagining you doesnıt make me feel worse. The numbness is coming back. Itıs like.... being paralyzed. Canıt move. On the verge of going unconscious. Miki. Just allow me think about you and curse myself for what Iıve done. Miki. Hurt. By me. Miki. Miki. Mi... miki. Miki. I love you, Miki!!! I donıt deserve to love you or even know you. I despise myself. I am truly hateful. ::sigh:: Miki. And you liked me too. We liked each other. How happy I could have been with you. If I were not such a snake. Youıll never give me that honest cheerful smile again. To hold your hand in mind..... itıll never be a possibility now. I canıt be with you anymore. Weıll be apart, separated. Disconnected. No more jokes, no laughter. No working together for the school festival. No tennis matches before school starts. No stops for hamburgers on the way home. No ice cream cones. I always like watching you lick them. So cute. So sweet. Your face expressions always put a grin on my face. You always knew how to cheer me up. Or help me calm down when I was angry. You came over to my house to listen to CDs. And go over homework once in a while. You showed me how to fold origami boxes. You told me about your strange family reunion last summer. You talked to me a lot. About all sorts of things. Your voice is so endearing. Once, you noticed my shoe laces had come undone and you tied them. You accepted my Wimbleton pin. But never again. None of this, ever again. Tears? Finally? Ginta, you really are pathetic. Only now you can cry. Selfish tears. For what youıll never have. How can you cry over these selfish desires but not before, thinking of Mikiıs feelings? Iım tired. But I shouldnıt think of you as I drift off to sleep. I might see you in my dreams. You shouldnıt be in the dreams of a man like me. No, not a man. A.... dimwit. Garbage. If I could fade away. If I were over. ::sigh:: Iıll see you in school tomorrow, Miki. Mom will probaby make me shave my head when she sees me like this. I donıt want to. But maybe itıll at least show you something of how I feel. But youıll never know how I feel, because youıll never make such a mistake as I have. Iım so sorry, Miki. Iım tired. Sleep, but donıt think of Miki. Give.... up. On.... thinking of her.... of wondering.... what it could have.... been like.... Ginta, you fool. Even now.... youıre thinking.... of.... her.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marmalade Boy characters, names, etc. İ copyright by Yoshizumi Wataru, Shuueisha, Toei Animation, and associated parties. The references of this work are used WITHOUT permission for entertainment only. This story is not meant for sale or profit. Story İ copyright August 2000 by Stephanie M. Taylor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated! Please e-mail me by removing the spaces: dioptase @ quixium .com Stephanieıs Anime Fan Fiction Collection http://KawaiiKenshin.tripod.com/fanfic.html