Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any
ill affects before he got home. So he went and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home
he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next.
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about
returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his
weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the
flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and
then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After reassuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold
and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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