On Monday, May 17, 1999, I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ. It was a long time coming. I
actually grew up in the church, was involved in the leadership and music teams of my youth
group, went on missionary trips, and was totally into God. I was at peace and had great joy, as
well as a sense of purpose that transcended the sometime disillusionment of everyday life. I was
more than positive that I would never turn away. It wasn’t even an issue with me.
At the height of my role model days, I got introduced to some social activities outside of church,
in particular, the all-ages music scene. Now, let me stop at this point and emphasize that it was
neither the music nor the scene that caused my eventual downward spiral away from God’s
presence. Please don’t jump to that conclusion! I firmly believe, after much analyzing and
prayer, that it had a lot more to do with the Church’s reaction to my involvement in that scene. I
was known to all as a Christian, and I never knowingly jeopardized my reputation. The problem
was, I adopted the fashion sense of a punk rocker, even though I eschewed many of their
well-publicized ideologies at the time, such as anarchy. My church leaders saw me as a rebel,
and they refused to listen to my justifications. They treated me with distrust and disrespect,
pushing me into the arms of the world. I started drifting away from the church (after being
essentially kicked out of my leadership position), and entered university shortly thereafter.
Gradually, with the onset of my university career, I began accepting and tolerating – even
embracing – things that were contrary to what I held in my heart to be true and right and good.
My beliefs soon followed, and I ended up with a case of severe depression that lasted for about
two or three years. Interestingly, I never once renounced God, stopped believing in His
existence, or doubted that He cared about me. Not once! I always saw a brighter future for
myself and, oddly enough considering my depression, never contemplated suicide. I was,
however, in a rut the size of the Grand Canyon. What was I waiting for?
During those dark times, God provided me with many friends and loved ones that served Him by
being there for me. Even non-Christians would often provide insight that led to conviction (little
did they know!). I tried -- though rather half-heartedly -- to remove my hand from the Lord’s grip,
but He continued to hold my hand, even when I thought it was swinging freely at my side. I know
some Christians don’t agree with this, but I went on medication for my depression. Prayer,
well...that was left to God-fearing relatives and friends. I think I must have totally forgotten how
to pray... Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of wasted years, I emerged from my illness
virtually scar-free, thanks to the healing love of the Father. Even now, months later, I am
constantly rejoicing in that healing. I will never forget the miracle that removed the darkness
from my thoughts.
The movie The Matrix actually played a pivotal role in my most recent desire to get to know God
again (check out my list of analogies to see what impacted me most about the movie). I stepped
out of the theatre, literally shaking from the reality check. I was shaking, yet grinning
uncontrollably. I realized for the thousandth time that I am not my own god, my own creator, or
even my own person. What I think doen’t really matter if it contradicts God’s will. Sometimes, of
course, I haven’t a clue what that will is, but it doesn’t mean I should impatiently seek out an
alternative.
The Matrix also reminded me (with a virtual slap to the face) that whether I acknowledge it or not,
there is a spiritual world all around me that influences my every move. I was truly pretending to
be in control of my destiny. I put God in the “co-pilot” seat (funny how there are those bumper
stickers...) instead of placing ALL the controls in His hands. Who better knows how the fly the
plane than the One who made the plane AND the sky?? Now, although God has always been in
control, I am deliberately allowing Him to be. And there is such freedom in that! Praise God!
I know you probably have more questions about my faith, and I'm not
really equipped to answer them on this website. Please feel very
free to e mail me with any comments or questions, or sign my guestbook.
I do want to hear from you. I will eventually put links on this page
that will lead you to more comprehensive websites designed to inform
people with inquiring minds. :)