DISCLAIMER: Not mine, but I'd like 'em to be. SPOILERS: None, really..except for Duane Barry/Ascension, but if you don't know Scully gets abducted, I really, really don't care for you. NOTE: I know as well as anyone that Mulder is red green colour blind. Miracle cure or something, I don't know. For the sake of this story, he can see green. :) And of course I love Alex. I was just taking a break from my full-on slash story, and thought of this. "Alex Krycek, you've been a bit evil." Like I don't know. Uh huh. Evil isn't really the word. I'm not evil, at least I don't think I'm evil. Evil takes intention, deliberate thought, not just the following of orders. I guess selling my soul to the devil in order to get out of the silo wasn't the greatest idea. Also the fact the devil looks exactly like Cancer Man, as Mulder calls him, doesn't help. It's highly unnerving. "So? What have you got in store for me?" He smiles, taking another cigarette from the pack and lighting it. I instinctively reach up to smooth my hair back, hoping to protect it from stray sparks. One little piece of fire added to my hair gel, and WHOOSH! Bye bye, Alex. "A bit of creative retaliation. You're a bit faithless, aren't you, Alex." I shrug, not showing him my hand. Faithless, my ass. I show perfect faith to myself. Just double cross about everyone else. "You know what animal you're likened to?" I shrug again, but I know perfectly well what he's driving at, and the thought scares me immensely. "A rat, Alex. A double crossing rat." I cross my hands across my chest - the only advantage I can see to being in hell is having my left arm back - and strike a defensive pose. "Uh huh. You're so scary." He seemed unmoved by my cool show of sarcasm. Personally I was rather proud of it. "What was your academy nickname, Agent Krycek?" I freeze, suddenly unwilling to answer. I quickly replace my shocked expression with my usual mask of non-emotion. "I'll answer that for you, since you've lost the capability of speech apparently. Ratboy, Alex. Alex 'Ratboy' Krycek." I shake my head, eyes desperately searching his for an explanation. *This is completely unfair!* my mind screamed. *Geez, I'm gonna kill whoever gave me that nickname!* "Well, Ratboy, one advice in life: avoid Mulder's mousetraps. Hang on, two things - if someone can love you as the rat you really are, you become the familiar rat you're used to being." "WHAT?!" Last thing, I see him advancing towards me with a suspiciously familiar red-hot knife. <:3)-- *Shit, Mulder, watch where you put that foot!* I scrambled away, quickly realising that exactly what I thought was gonna happen, had happened. Mulder obviously saw me, because he murmured, "Oh, great. A rat." and attempted to catch me. *Isn't this how it always is, Mulder trying to catch me?* Pleasant thought. Before I could get away further - I don't know if I was really trying, but anyway - he grabbed me and picked me up. "Hey, you're a cute rat." *You'd better believe it, Spooky.* Mulder stroked my head thoughtfully, and I realised absently that this was the most affection he'd shown towards me in a while. "You don't really have rat's eyes. You have nice, green eyes. Your eyes...they're like Krycek's!" *What a surprise* "I think I will name you Schmoopy." Mulder gently put me on his shoulder. *Schmoopy?! Where'd that come from?* Mulder walked over to the sofa, and lay down, placing me on his stomach, after discarding his shirt. He stroked my head, running a finger down my spine and flicking my tail slightly. *This is kinda fun!* I skittered up and down Mulder's bare chest, and he laughed, something I haven't heard Mulder do much. "Oh, Schmoopy, you're so..schmoopy.." *Well, that made sense* He reached off the couch somewhere, and grabbed a pack of something. "Schmoopy, want some sunflower seeds?" He placed them one by one on various places around his body, and I began to wonder exactly where the torture in this whole thing was meant to be.. After the "find the sunflower seeds on Mulder's body" game, Spooky apparently realised he was due at work. 'Cause he got dressed, then came back into where I was. "Schmoopy, I don't know if I can leave you here..want to come to work with me?" *This is really getting fun!* Mulder answered his own question. "Okay, Spooky, let's take him." He picked me up and placed me in his coat pocket, where I quickly figured out how to half-stand up so I could see. This was gonna be interesting. Mulder got into his car, and pulled out on the road. His normally erratic driving wasn't helped by me tickling his neck with my whiskers. "Schmoopy, you just about made me hit a truck!" "Schmoopy, I'm meant to STOP at red lights!" "Sorry, old lady - it was my rat, honest!" It didn't take TOO long to get to the Bureau..and to the basement. Mulder looked surprised at the new nameplate - "Dana Scully". "Well, we can't have that." he murmured, pulling off a strip of duct tape and taping it over her nameplate, which he placed next to his, after writing over it in block letters "SCHMOOPY". He smiled at his creation, then reached in to give me a stroke. Suddenly, he yanked his hand out, and I heard Scully walk in. "Mulder, what are you doing with your hand in your pocket? And what is with that nameplate?" Mulder chuckled slightly guiltily. "Um, Scully, do you like rats?" I could almost HEAR Scully giving him that *look*. "Depends. Rats like rodents, or rats like Alex Krycek?" *WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!* I let out an indignant squeak, and Mulder and Scully both went silent. "Umm.." "MULDER!!" "But, Scully.." "Mulder! *Please* tell me you didn't bring a rat to the Bureau?" "Umm.." "Mul-derrr.." "But, Scully, he's a clean rat, and good, and has the nicest green eyes.." "Rats with green eyes have the wrong associations to me, Mulder. As they should to you." "Scully.." "Mulder, don't tell me you named him Schmoopy.." "Well, you should see him, he's so.." "Schmoopy?" "Yes!" Mulder reached in and gently took me out, and put me down on the desk. And I saw Scully, with that 'oh my god that's disgusting, Mulder' look on her face. I attempted to do a classic 'Krycek trying to give a sincere smile' look, which is hard to do as a rat. "Mulder, did *you* give him a spiked haircut?" Mulder shrugged. "I think he had a spiked haircut to begin with." Scully gave him an "uh huh, I believe you" look, and I half-hid behind the nameplates. I've always been relatively afraid of Scully, but it's been ok because usually I'm bigger than her. But.. "Mulder, you can't keep a rodent in the FBI. There's got to be some sort of regulation against it!" "No there does not!" "Mulder, I'm not getting into another 'Yes there does' 'No there doesn't' fight with you. I'm sick of it. Okay? You CAN'T keep a rat here. Last time you did, I got abducted. Just..I don't know, get rid of him somehow, or I will." Scully strode out, looking majorly pissed. Mulder sat back down with a sigh. "Oh, Schmoopy." He laid his head in his hands, and I ran lightly over them, stopping to nuzzle his nose. He grinned, and stroked me fully again. I lay down, staring up into Mulder's large hazel eyes. He scratched my head, and I closed my eyes, intent on actually getting some sleep. And I did. <:3)~~ When I woke up, the first thing I heard was Scully's voice. "Move, Schmoopy-Rat." She was holding me at friggin' gunpoint! I skittered quickly to the edge of Mulder's desk. "Off the desk, or I shoot." I peered over the edge of the desk, and decided I wasn't gonna play Kamikaze Bagpipers over the edge of that too soon. "MOVE, RAT!" *Shit, she's serious!* Scully closed her eyes, and fired, hitting me square - where else? - front left leg. I fell heavily on my right side, teetering on the edge, and red clouded the edges of my conciousness. And Mulder walked in. And let out a girlie scream. "Schmoopy!" he wailed, running over to where I was lying in pain. He looked up to Scully. "You shot him!" he exclaimed, hurt, and anger in his voice. She nodded, nose screwed up slightly. A tear slipped down Mulder's face. "Oh, Schmoopy..please don't die.." A shudder went through my rat-body. Mulder crooked a finger under my head, and hurled the two nameplates at Scully. "What the HELL did you do that for? You shot my Schmoopy?!" She glared back. "Mulder, it's a rat for godssake!" Mulder nodded quietly, "I know. But he's a special rat." And then, he lowered his tear stricken face to my furry little body. "Schmoopy..don't die..you'll be okay.." And kissed me. <:3)~~ "Wowwww........wwwhatthefuck?!" I exclaimed, toppling backwards off Mulder's desk, looking down and realising I was completely naked. "Krycek?" he exclaimed, standing up in shock. "*Schmoopy*?!" I stood up. "You kissed me!" He looked incredulous. "I kissed you? I kissed you." "That's it! That's why I'm me again! I get it!" I was really happy at figuring it out. And then I looked down, and noticed that my left arm was back to its relatively normal self. Before the Siberian Forest. What a great deal. "Mulder?" Scully ventured, wondering what was going on. I don't blame her. I mean, Mulder's pet rat suddenly turns into 'Ratboy' Alex Krycek. I turned to her. "And what were all these references to me?! You think I'm a rat? Well, I've proved you right, haven't I?" I turned back to the door, to leave. On the way out, I paused, and gave Mulder a rakish grin. "I did enjoy the sunflower seed game, Mulder." Giving Skinner a cheerful wave on the way out, I left, free, two armed.. And naked.