Some of The Wheel of Time Top Ten Lists
, lifted from AOL
From: RayOdyssey
Top 10 signs that Rand is going mad
10. For an hour every morning the voice in his head calls him Regis
9. After one of Min's viewings, responds testily " Thank you Dionne Warwick"
8. Asks Thom to help him write a rap version of the Propheceis of the Dragon
7. Finds the little fat man angreal and keeps rubbing its belly for luck.
6. Announces that he is "the baddest man on the planet" and proceeds to bite The Dark
One's ear in the last battle.
5. Starts calling himself Snoop Randy Rand, calls the maidens his " hoes"
4. Every time he sees that twisted doorframe, starts humming the theme from The Twilight
Zone
3. Keeps asking Min about when is he finally "gonna score with Elayne"
2. Tortures Perrin by eating beans for three days and saying "Pull my finger wolf-boy"
1. Believes he is the reincarnation of the dragon Bruce Lee, and plans to win Tarmon
Gaidon in the Octagon using a new Brazilian streetfighting technique.
From: Iakus
Top Ten Sword Forms not taught in Randland
(at least, not to potential blademasters
10 Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go...
9 Little Bunny Chews a Stalk of Grass.
8 Slice Trolloc with Gleaming Longsword (see gemstone combat rules if you don't get
it)
7Just kill the thing and go home
6 Deer Stares into the Headlights
5 Scared Rabbit Runs From the Shadowspawn
4 The Coward Collapses and Begs for Mercy
3 The Willows are Chopped by the Farmer's Scythe (guess who's the willow & who's the
scythe)
2 Rabid Dog Mindlessly Bites at Enemy
1 Run the Enemy Through When He Checks to See if His Shoelaces Really Are Untied.
Top Ten Souveniers you'll find in Randland tourist traps
(yes I know this has been done before, but there's just so much stuff...)
10 Build Your Own Gholam Kit: Left over from the Age of Legendss, now YOU can create
your own Kin of Shadowspawn in the comfort of your own home (" distributer is not
responsible for any lost, injured, or killed friends or relatives. Use with care"
Cover Our Rear law firm)
9 Toy Callendor: Great for kids, this replica of the famous sa'angreal really lights
up! requires two D-cell batteries (not included)
8 Rhuidean T-shirt: "I went to Rhuidean and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and
memories of what the Aiel once were
7 A'dam: Are there any annoying Aes Sedai in your life? Don't you want to show them
who's in charge? Or just keep them occupied for a while so you can go somewhere
unattended. Just slip this around her neck and it's all yours. Not recommended
for male channelers. See instructions for details.
6 Heron Marked Blade: Are you a blademaster or do you want people to think you are?
This handy sword is guarenteed to make people step wide of you. If you get into
trouble while carrying this, you're in too deep anyway. For ten extra gold coins,
get an actual Power-wrought blade.
5 Whitebridge: THat's right folks, we're selling the actual Whitebridge! As in
the town. Do I hear any bids...?
4 twisted doorway ter'angreal: Did you ever want questions of your future asked?
Or to have three wishes granted? Now you can with these handy gateways to the lands
of the Aelfinn and Eelfinn. Just remember: nothing touching the Shadow.
3 Swampland in Illian: prime real estate ! Ready to be developed! Hardly any lionfish
or silverpike. See Fast Eddie for details.
2 Seal to the Dark One's Prison: These slightly used seals are three thousand years
old! Own a piece of history. Some assembly required.
1 Golden contact lenses: Now you can talk to wolves and have prophetic dreams, just
like a wolfbrother! (Warning, consult with a wolfkin before using. May cause behavioral
changes, nightmares, insanity, sensory overload, alienation by humans, and/or draw the attention of the Forsaken
From: Rich4713
Top Ten Wheel of Time Websites!!!
10) www.darrylksweet.com (transfers you to the Tom Hayden website of recovering LSD
users)
9) www.matcauthon.com (popularily known as www.playboy.com)
8) www.balefire.com (once connected, a virus shuts down your computer and erases everything
you've done in the
past half hour)
7) www.min.elayne.aviendha.bigamy.com
6) www.shaitan.com (once connected, a virus causes your computer to blow up)
5) www.whitetower.novice.com (once connected, you cannot disconnect until THEY say
so)
4) www.shayolghul.com ("Say, what are these black and silver clouds racing by on my
screen???")
3) www.tor.com (and let me tell you, I bet THEY are sick and tired of receiving e-mail
addressed to "the Creator")
2) www.pedronniall.com (connects you to the city morgue)
And the Number One Website...
1) www.book#8.com ("Sorry - cannot connect to http://www.book#8.com - site under construction
- try again in two years")
Top Ten Items in the Wheel of Time Catalogue!
10) item #34977 - "Women of the White Tower"-1998 Calender. These hot chicks try out
the new seasons' swimwear and YOU get to enjoy it for twelve whole months! Here they
are: Cadsuane, Verin, Teslin! All HOT, and waiting for ya'!!! ($9.95 + s/h) (Tar
Valon residents add 8% sales tax)
9) item #10027 - The Illustrated Guide to the Wheel of Time - What you've been waiting
for! A complete glossary and Who's Who for R. Jordan's WOT series. Names, places,
items, events, it's all here! Order now! ($29.95 + s/h) (2,000 pages, Volume A-C
only)
8) item #88901 - Darryl K. Sweet's Unpublished WOT Works. Never-before-seen masterworks
by the artist himself! Rejected by Tor Books and R. Jordan for some reason or another,
this is YOUR opportunity to own artwork depicting actual scenes in the series! Samples - Rand and Lews Therin hoeing tabac, Padan Fain being raised Amyrlin Seat, Bela
playing a game of stones with the Dark One, and Timothy Leary planting chora cuttings
in his backyard. ($19.95 + s/h)
7) item #93467 - "I Wuv My Twolloc" realistic Trolloc doll! Perfect for young children
or even if you're a collector yourself. Wind it up and it snarls wordlessly! Comes
with its' own little poisoned sword and armour! It even disposes of old leftover
meat in the kitchen! Perfectly safe, guaranteed. ($19.95 + s/h) *** DO NOT ORDER !!!! ITEM
DISCONTINUED !!!! ***
6) item #12387 - Johnnie Cash sings, "Songs from the Wheel", a must for any Cash fan,
or WOT fanatic. Hits include al'Thor's "Paranoia", Old Cully's "Sharp Dressed Man",
Demandred's "Bad to the Bone", and Min's "She...Wore....an....Itsy-Bitsy,Teeny-Weeny,Yellow-Polka-Dot-Bikini" !!! Order now, CD or cassette! (CD-$1.98, cassette-$0.99 +
s/h)
From: Shagrat
Min's Bottom Ten viewings about Rand
10: He is in bed sick as anything, covered in vomit.
It means he's not going to touch Oosquai again until after Tarmon Gai'don.
9: He's alive.
8: He's surrounded by little girls in brown clothing - oops, that's just his Far Dareis
Mai escort acting immature again.
7: He is going to stub his toe and get a blood-blister some time in the next day.
6: Every time she said he was a woolheaded sheepherder, it was a viewing.
5: Freeeow! (She gets this one often when kissing him- or in related activity)
4: There's a cow doing an excellent Len impression, a cat with a violin, one of Perrin's
amused friends, and eloping silverware.
It means that he will be accused of immorality by the Republicans on account of his
flesh-branding practices and have to leave office as The Dragon Reborn.
3: There's a little gray jumping desert mouse.
It means, "Maud'Dib is yo' daddy."
2: He's surrounded by little fireflies, darting in and out of a gray mist.
It means he will be in a field covered with thick mist and full of fireflies.
1: He's holding a very short straw.
It means he must really be the Dragon Reborn.
The Top Ten Coed Naked sports of Randland
10: Coed Naked Dream-Walking
Quote: Your dream, or mine?
9: Coed Naked Daes Dae'mar
Quote: Who are you really with?
8: Coed Naked Stones
Quote: I just captured your leg
7: Coed Naked Illuminating
Quote: The best part is the Fountain of Fire
6: Coed Naked Gentling
Comment: The Reds always lead the gentling. If it were the Greeens, it might turn
into a giant S&M submission-fest
5: Coed Naked Traveling
Quote: you have to be everywhere at once!
4: Coed naked assassintation
Comment: Gray men could do it in a crowd and not be noticed.
3: Coed Naked Channelling
Comment: Not only the greatest creations of the Age of Legends were made by Men and
Women channelling together...
2: Coed Naked Cards
Quote: Ruler of Rods, Queen of Cups...
1: Coed Naked Duelling
Quote: Parting Silk meets Sheathing the Sword
Top Ten Dune Crossover Fights
10: Berelain vs. Murbella
let's see the queen of the bed deal with the empress of the empresses of the beds
9: Al'Lan mandragoran vs. Duncan Idaho
A good fight- but if Duncan loses, the Tlielaxu will just make another one.
8: Thom Merrillin on the harp vs. Gurney Halleck on the baliset
Battle of the banjos taken to a new level
7: Thom Merrillin vs. Gurney Halleck
Will Thom be able to throw a knife before Gurney can run him through? Probably. Can
Thom throw a knife before Gurney can assassinate him? Probably not.
6: Min's viewings vs. Siona's resistance to prescience
Siona is invisible to all prescience. Is she the fourth woman in the boat? does she
kill Moraine before she meets Thom again? does she draw Callandor and then just leave
not 'follow after'?
5: General Davram Bashere, General Gareth Bryne, and Mat Cauthon vs. Bashar Teg
If he doesn't just convince them to give up without engaging in combat, he could defeat
their ten veteran legions with twenty-five farmgirls armed with rubber duckies, a
shedding cat, and a deck of pornographic playing-cards.
4: a Gholam vs Leto II in mid-transformation
can a Gholam survive being ripped limb from limb and eaten by a giant worm-like human?
3: Padan Fain vs. Feyd Rautha
either way, the outcome will be favorable.
2: Rhuarc vs. Stilgar
Show Rhuarc how to really fight with bare hands.
1: Rand Al'Thor with the sword of flame vs. Paul Maud'dib with a pair of Chrysknives
"Stop toying with him!"
"Sorry, I'm used to fighting people with forcefields."
"Aagh!"
From: Meylona
Top Ten Things You Should Never Say To A Myrddraal
10. "Padan Fain told me to mention he was looking for you."
9. "That man over there looks familiar. Think he could be a ta'veren? The one--or
three--that got away, maybe?"
8. "Shaidar Haran isn't inviting you to his birthday party."
7. "The Dark One wants to know which way you'd like to die--the slow, painful way
or the painful, *very slow* way."
6. "The Dragon Reborn's standing right behind you."
5. "That sword doesn't look so good. Whose life force did you use for it, anyway?
A Trolloc's?"
4. "Congratulations! You are THE Nae'blis! You are... Excuse me. Wrong address. This
says *Sammael*, not *Salmon-Face!*"
3. "I'd challenge you to an arm-wrestling contest, except that you can't see where
to put your elbow, and I make a point of never fighting the handicapped."
2. "The Dark One wants you at Shayol Ghul NOW. Pronto."
1. "Well, how was I to know he didn't ask for you in particular? And what are you
going to do about it, anyway? Outstare me?"
Top Ten Signs You're Annoyed By Faile
10. You pronounce her name FAIL-ey, with extra emphasis on the first syllable.
9. You think Perrin should just find a Wolfsister, however long that takes him.
8. You wouldn't be sorry to see her come in second in a Liandrin/Faile hand-to-hand.
7. You find yourself screaming aloud, "Come on Perrin! Just give it to her for once!"....
6. ...and you don't even care about the breathilizer tests the policeman makes
you take.
5. You sincerely hope Faile makes Randland's equivalent of the Ten Most Wanted List.
4. You take stray shots at random falcons.
3. You start looking for the vision where Min just sees the hawk alone on Perrin's
shoulder.
2. You think that it wouldn't really be Perrin's fault if Faile just "happened"
to meet with a little accident by wolf-tooth some dark night.
1. You write a list like this.
From: Aybara
Top ten cool things about Faile
10. Bestiality is illegal in Andor, and we need someone to keep Perrin occupied after
the more bizarre episodes of the "wolf dream".
9. If Mesaana starts flirting with Perrin, we'll have another member for the Dead
Forsaken Club.
8. You can dress her up like Lanfear and raise ruckus in Tar Valon.
7. Her mom could break Dain Bornhald's white-cloaked body into more pieces than he
can count.
6. You gotta love a girl who leaves her parents to "Hunt the Horn".
5. If she got into an argument with Nynaeve, it could touch off the Last Battle.
4. Without her, Perrin would probably stay up all night searching the Internet for
porn...
3. ...and do you have any idea how much an annual membership at www.Mayenequeen.cum
costs?
2. If someone could find a way to bottle her jealousy, it could lead to a revolution
in battle technology.
1. She knows the trade secrets of the Saldaean farmgirls -- and this has less to
do with plowing styles than with the raising of strong, healthy cocks.
From: Jedi of 81
Top Ten Things that might happen if Horror movie villains were in Randland
10) Freddy Krueger takes over Tel'aran'rhiod....
9) ...and this is why we haven't seen Gaidal Cain in sometime
8) Jason manages to find himself a heron-mark machete
7) Freddy has manifested himself into Randland for quite a while. He has assumed
the form of a young woman and calls himself Nynaeve
6) The crazy guy from Scream is Dain Bornhald in disguise
5) Chuckie the killer doll is Sammael (He's ugly and he always wants to be taller)
OR.....
4) We've got Darkfriends, Darkhounds, and everything else for Shai' tan to play with,
except for the new Dark Doll! It's Chuckie!
3) Michael Myers joins up with the Aiel, due to the fact that their honor system makes
about as much sense as his movies do
2) Freddy joins up with Dark One, ends up getting a lowly postion as the only Myrdraal
with claws
1) Notice how Jason always kills the teenagers who are frequently having sex? Well,
I have bad news for all you Mat Cauthon fans out there....