[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY PROCTER & GAMBLE PRODUCTIONS, INC.] KIRKLAND: OPEN UP, MOM! LET US IN! JAKE: OPEN THE DOOR, SPOILSPORT! VICKY: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T JUST STAND THERE, COME AND HELP ME. DONNA: IS IT RAINING OUTSIDE? VICKY: NO, IT'S THOSE GIANT SQUIRT GUNS THAT JAKE BOUGHT FOR THE BOYS. DONNA: WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST JUMPED OFF A PACKAGE OF FISH STICKS. VICKY: RUN FOR COVER! DONNA: I'M NOT GOING TO RUN ANYWHERE. JAKE: WE'RE BACK. DONNA: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T YOU DO THAT. THOSE ARE FOR OUTDOORS. THEY ARE NOT FOR INDOORS. AND I MEAN IT. VICKY: YOUR NANA'S RIGHT. NOW, LISTEN TO ME. I'M YOUR MOTHER. THOSE THINGS BELONG OUTSIDE -- AT THE PARK OR AT THE BEACH. KIRKLAND: AT THE BEACH! LET'S GO TO THE BEACH! JAKE: YEAH. THAT'S FINE BY ME. VICKY: AH! DONNA: STOP IT, STOP IT. VICKY: I THINK IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE COLD AT THE BEACH, DON'T YOU? I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE HAD A GOOD SWIMMING DAY BEFORE JULY? DONNA: NO, THE BEACH -- THE BEACH IS GOOD. I THINK THAT'S GREAT. THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SQUIRT GUNS TO THE BEACH -- KIRKLAND: YEAH, NANA! DONNA: YOU CAN DO IT THERE. KIRKLAND: YOU'RE COOL! JAKE: YEAH, NANA, YOU'RE COOL. KIRKLAND: HEY, SEAN, WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH. GET YOUR BATHING SUIT. SEAN: OH, I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE ONE, MAN. JAKE: OH, NO, MAN, YOU JUST USE MY JEANS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, I'LL LET YOU BORROW ONE OF MY HAWAIIAN SHIRTS. COME ON, UPSTAIRS. OH, MISFIRE. DONNA: AH! SEAN, WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE SOME SANDWICHES WHILE I CHANGE MY CLOTHES. IT'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR -- SEAN: ME? DONNA: EVERYTHING YOU NEED. IT'S VERY SIMPLE. SEAN: AH, OK. VICKY: OH, COME ON. WE'RE NOT EXACTLY TALKING BRAIN SURGERY HERE. YOU GRAB A COUPLE PIECES OF BREAD, YOU SLAP A LITTLE MUSTARD ON, THROW SOMETHING INSIDE OF IT. DO IT SIX TIMES. SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY. DONNA: OK. OH. VICKY: GOT YOU GOOD. [KNOCK ON DOOR] VICKY: WOULD YOU GET THAT? SEAN: OH, HEY. MAN: HEY. WEDDING INVITATION. I'VE BEEN DELIVERING THEM ALL OVER TOWN. SEAN: THANKS. MAN: YEAH, NO PROBLEM. JAKE: HEY, SEAN, WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT I'VE GOT! IT'S GOT HOOLA GIRLS ON IT AND EVERYTHING! RACHEL: OH, HI. AMANDA: HEY. ALLI: WOW. THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME PLACE FOR A WEDDING. AMANDA: IT IS PRETTY ROMANTIC, ISN'T IT? CARL: YES, WE THOUGHT SO, TOO. CAMERON: OK, I'LL BITE. WHAT'S GOING ON? RACHEL: WE JUST HAD A LITTLE CEREMONY OF OUR OWN. CARL: WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD RENEW OUR VOWS. RACHEL: AND IT WAS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE FIRST TIME. AMANDA: DO YOU KNOW HOW GREAT IT IS SEEING YOU SO HAPPY? RACHEL: OH, DARLING. AMANDA: THANK YOU FOR MAKING HER SO HAPPY. CARL: IF I CAN MAKE YOUR MOTHER HALF AS HAPPY AS SHE'S MADE ME, I'LL BE A LUCKY MAN. ALLI: COOL IT, YOU GUYS. YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING ME CRY. I HAVE ONE MORE WEDDING TO GET THROUGH. AMANDA: SPEAKING OF WHICH, SHOULDN'T WE HAVE A BRIDE HERE BY NOW? RACHEL: YES, WE SHOULD. AMANDA: OH, HERE THEY ARE. CAMERON: HEY, HEY. MATT: HELLO. AMANDA: LILA, THAT DRESS -- RACHEL: OH, DARLING, YOU LOOK ENCHANTING. LILA: THANK YOU SO MUCH. CAMERON: SO I GUESS ALL WE NEED NOW IS A GROOM. CHARLIE: WHERE IS HE? HE'S NOT HERE? WHERE'S DAD? FELICIA: OK, NOW, THE JOKE IS OVER, ALL RIGHT? IF YOU COULD JUST BRING THE LADDER BACK. CASS: I HAVE TO BE SOMEPLACE -- FELICIA: YES, HE DOES. CASS: A VERY IMPORTANT PLACE. FELICIA: HE'S ALREADY VERY LATE. PLEASE. CASS: HAVE WE OFFENDED YOU WITHOUT MEANING TO? BECAUSE IF WE HAVE, WE'RE SORRY. WE ARE TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY. PLEASE, WE'RE BEGGING YOU. FELICIA: DON'T DO THAT. DON'T GROVEL. IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK, GROVELING. CASS: HONEY, I MAY MISS THE MOST CRUCIAL EVENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. FELICIA: I KNOW. CASS: I WILL GROVEL IF I DAMN WELL PLEASE. I'LL WHINE -- FELICIA: I KNOW. CASS: I'LL WHIMPER. I WILL PAY RANSOM IF I HAVE TO. JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE. FELICIA: I'M TRYING. BELIEVE ME, I AM TRYING. CASS: WELL, YOU BETTER BE! THIS WAS YOUR BRIGHT IDEA TO BRING ME TO A -- IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WEDDING DAY -- FELICIA: WHAT? THIS WASN'T MY IDEA -- CASS: TO A WILDLIFE HABITAT FOR A GORILLA IN HEAT. FELICIA: IT WAS YOUR IDEA. AND EVEN IF IT WAS MY IDEA, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. YOU DID. CASS: BECAUSE I DIDN'T REALIZE I'D HAVE TO GROW OLD AND DIE HERE. LOOK -- 30 MINUTES. YOU'VE GOT 30 MINUTES TO GET ME TO THE PARK, FELICIA, OR MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT WILL BE OVER. COME ON. FELICIA: "COME ON," WHAT? WHAT? CASS: YOU'RE GOING TO HELP ME CLIMB THIS WALL. FELICIA: WHAT? CASS: LOCK YOUR FINGERS TOGETHER, OK? YOU CAN HOIST ME. FELICIA: HOIST YOU? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A LONGSHOREMAN? CASS: YOU'RE GOING TO BE A DEAD DUCK IF YOU DON'T GET WITH THE PROGRAM. NOW, LISTEN, ROLL UP YOUR HIGH-FASHION SLEEVES. I'M GOING OVER THAT WALL. ALL RIGHT? YOU CAN DO IT. FELICIA: OK. CASS: BEND YOUR KNEES. FELICIA: OK. CASS: ALL RIGHT? FELICIA: OK. AH! CASS: OH! FELICIA: OW! OW! FELICIA: OW! CASS: AH, AH! FELICIA: OH, MY -- YOU ALL RIGHT? HUH? CASS: YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. FELICIA: OK, GOOD. THAT'S IT. I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE. CASS: WHAT, YOU BREAK A NAIL? FELICIA: I'M YOUR BEST MAN. THAT'S HOW YOU TALK TO ME, FOR GOD'S SAKE? CASS: SOME BEST MAN YOU ARE, DRAGGING ME OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. OH, IF ONLY WE COULD LET SOMEONE KNOW WHERE WE ARE. I WISH I'D BROUGHT MY CELL PHONE. EASY, HONEY. EASY. FELICIA: PHONE. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA -- THE PHONE. CASS: YOU'VE GOT YOURS? FELICIA: WELL -- CASS: YOU HAVE YOUR CELL PHONE ALL THIS TIME, AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING? FELICIA: YOU RATTLED ME, ALL RIGHT? YOU RATTLED ME, YOU'RE SO HYSTERICAL. CASS: YOU WANT TO SEE HYSTERICAL? WASTE SOME MORE TIME INSTEAD OF JUST GIVING ME THAT DAMN PHONE, AND I'LL SHOW YOU HYSTERICAL. FELICIA: HOLD YOUR PANTS ON, ALL RIGHT? NOW, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD CALL ZOO HEADQUARTERS AND WE GET SOMEBODY HERE TO HELP -- CASS: WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW THEIR NUMBER OFFHAND -- ZOO HEADQUARTERS? FELICIA: WELL, DID YOU EVER THINK OF CALLING INFORMATION, OR DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THAT, YOU -- CASS: INSTEAD OF MAKING TWO CALLS, HOW ABOUT MAKING ONE? THERE'S A CONCEPT. FELICIA: OH, RIGHT. COME ON. CASS: I'M GOING TO CALL LILA. FELICIA: NO, YOU'RE NOT -- CASS: HOPEFULLY, SHE HASN'T LEFT YET. GIVE ME THAT. FELICIA: GET -- GIVE ME MY PHONE. CASS: GIVE ME THAT -- FELICIA: GIVE ME THAT! DON'T -- CASS: GIVE ME THAT PHONE! [SPLASH] FELICIA: WHAT WAS THAT? CASS: I DON'T KNOW. FELICIA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW? CASS: WELL, I JUST MEAN THAT I DON'T KNOW. BUT I GET THE SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT WE'RE NOT ALONE. MATT: YOU KNOW, I GUARANTEE HE'S STUCK IN TRAFFIC. AMANDA: YEAH. THE RADIO SAID THAT ROUTE SEVEN IS BUMPER TO BUMPER, SO -- MATT: YEAH. SO SIT DOWN. DON'T WRINKLE THAT PRETTY DRESS. AND HE'LL BE HERE. I GUARANTEE IT. ALLI: I THINK THERE'S A BENCH OVER THERE SOMEWHERE. LILA: THANK YOU. YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. THANKS. RACHEL: I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU. MATT: I'M JUST TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE. I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY. RACHEL: THAT'S VERY GENEROUS. AMANDA: LILA? LILA: HEY. AMANDA: YOU OK? LILA: YES. YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO SAY? I WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOUR BROTHER. I MEAN, I NEVER WOULD BE STANDING HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM. AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW THINGS WERE GOING TO WORK OUT THIS WAY. I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO HURT HIM, AND I MEAN THAT. AMANDA: WE CAN'T ALWAYS CHOOSE WHO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH, YOU KNOW? SOMETIMES IT JUST KIND OF GRABS YOU BY THE THROAT, AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT. I MEAN, I THINK BACK ON HOW HARD I FOUGHT NOT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH CAMERON, AND THAT WAS A LOSING BATTLE. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO ACCEPT DEFEAT IN MY LIFE. I'M GOING TO GO TELL HIM THAT RIGHT NOW. LILA: YOU GO DO THAT. OH. MATT: YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAVE THESE IN THE CAR, DID YOU? LILA: OH, NO. HEY -- MATT: WHAT? LILA: YOU DIDN'T SEEING ANYBODY PULLING INTO THE PARKING LOT, DID YOU? MATT: NO. AND LISTEN, HE PROBABLY WENT AND PICKED UP FELICIA. THEY'RE PROBABLY ON THEIR WAY. LILA: RIGHT. OF COURSE. FIGHTING LIKE CATS AND DOGS. I CAN HEAR THEM NOW. THOSE TWO REALLY KNOW HOW TO WRANGLE, YOU KNOW? MATT: SURE. LILA: BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE JUST LIKE THIS. MATT: MM-HMM. LILA: SOMETIMES I WAS JEALOUS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. OH, NOT BECAUSE CASS WAS CLOSE TO ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT JUST BECAUSE I NEVER HAD A FRIEND -- A BEST FRIEND -- LIKE THAT. MATT: WELL, IF YOU ARE ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR THE JOB -- LILA: APPLICATION? YOU ARE HIRED ON THE SPOT. CAMERON: HEY. HOW ARE YOU? GARY: I'M OK. HOW ARE YOU? CAMERON: HOW'D THIS ALL HAPPEN, HUH? TONI: HEY. LILA: OH, MATT. EVERYBODY'S STARTING TO ARRIVE, AND CASS ISN'T HERE. I'M TRYING TO STAY CALM, BUT I'M TELLING YOU, MY WORRY METER IS IN THE RED RIGHT NOW. CHARLIE: YOU THINK SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO DAD? LILA: UH -- NO, SWEETHEART. HE AND FELICIA PROBABLY JUST LOST TRACK OF TIME, THAT'S ALL. MATT: YEAH. I THINK I'M GOING TO MAKE A FEW PHONE CALLS, TRY AND TRACK THEM DOWN. CHARLIE: STILL NO SIGN OF MY DAD. ALLI: YOU'RE NOT WORRIED, ARE YOU? CHARLIE: NO. HE'S ALWAYS RUNNING LATE. ALLI: SO DO YOU THINK HE'S ON HIS WAY HERE? CHARLIE: KNOWING MY DAD, HE COULD BE ON HIS WAY TO ANYWHERE. CASS: HELLO? ANYBODY HERE? FELICIA: OH, DON'T BE SO TENTATIVE. YOU SAY IT LIKE YOU REALLY MEAN IT. AND TELL THEM WE DON'T APPRECIATE BEING SPIED ON. NOW, GO ON. CASS: YEAH, WHOEVER YOU ARE -- FELICIA: THAT'S IT. CASS: LET'S 86 WITH THE JAMES BOND ROUTINE. COME OUT AND SHOW YOURSELF, YOU COWARD. FELICIA: YOU HEARD HIM. COME ON, YOU HEARD HIM. SHOW YOURSELF. CASS: TELL HIM, HONEY. FELICIA: YOU -- YOU YELLOW-BELLIED WORM. CASS: THAT'S IT, HONEY. YOU TELL HIM. FELICIA: NOTHING? CASS: KIND OF SMELLED LIKE SOMETHING DIED BACK THERE, BUT, NO, I DIDN'T SEE ANYONE. YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T GET SIDETRACKED. YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO FIND SOME SUBSTITUTE FOR A ROPE LADDER AND CLIMB THE HELL OUT OF HERE. FELICIA: OK. ALL RIGHT. TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. CASS: EXCUSE ME? FELICIA: GO AHEAD. STRIP, WILL YOU? WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME. CASS: LOOK, WHEN TWO HEALTHY PEOPLE FIND THEMSELVES CONFINED IN A SPACE LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW, ENDORPHINS ACTIVATE -- FELICIA: OH, MY GOD. CASS: STRONG FEELINGS CAN ERUPT. BUT, HONEY, DON'T YOU THINK OUR TIME IS LONG PAST? FELICIA: YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU HAVE AN EGO SO ENORMOUS, YOU NEED YOUR OWN ZIP CODE. I'M NOT TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU, YOU HALF-WIT. I'M ONLY TRYING TO PUT YOUR CLOTHES TOGETHER, TIE THEM TOGETHER. WE CAN MAKE A STUPID ROPE. CASS: OH. OH, OH. FELICIA: ALL RIGHT. CASS: WELL, IT'S STILL GOING TO BE A PRETTY SHORT ROPE IF WE JUST USE MY CLOTHES. FELICIA: OH, NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY KIND OF FREE SHOW HERE. NOW, WHATEVER WE'RE GOING TO DO, WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH YOUR CLOTHES. NOW, COME ON. COME ON. CASS: LET IT NEVER BE SAID I DIDN'T SACRIFICE MY ALL FOR LOVE. FELICIA: COME ON. CASS: HOLD THIS, HONEY. FELICIA: THANK YOU. HURRY UP. CASS: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. MATT: HEARD ANYTHING? LILA: CAN'T REACH CASS. CAN'T REACH FELICIA ON HER CELL PHONE. THIS IS BAD, MATT. THIS IS SO BAD. VICKY: HEY, HEY, HEY! STOP IT WITH THAT! MATT: IT'S PRETTY BAD. LILA: WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT? VICKY: STOP. ENOUGH OF THAT. WE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT. MATT: KIDS PLAYING. LILA: PLAYING? THEY SOUND LIKE THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER. VICKY: ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, OVER HERE. THIS LOOKS GOOD. PLEASANT SHADING. HEY, HEY, HEY, STOP IT WITH THAT. LILA: VICKY McKINNON STAGING A PICNIC IN COMPETITION WITH MY WEDDING DAY. MATT: COMPETITION? YOU THINK SHE PLANNED THIS? LILA: I MOST CERTAINLY DO. SHE HATES MY GUTS. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE HER TO THINK IT WAS A HOOT TO HAVE HER KIDS RUNNING AROUND ON MY WEDDING DAY. WELL, WE'RE GOING TO SEE ABOUT THAT. MATT: LILA -- LILA -- GARY: HEY, MATT. MATT: HEY. HEY, GUYS. A LITTLE HELP HERE WITH LILA, VICKY. JOSIE: OH, SURE. GARY: YEAH, SURE. CHARLIE: CALL ME CRAZY, BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS ISN'T GETTING OFF TO A GREAT START. ALLI: DON'T GIVE UP YET. MY MOM AND CAMERON DIDN'T GET OFF TO A GREAT START, EITHER. BUT NOW THEY'RE SO ECSTATIC, IT'S OBNOXIOUS. LOOK, YOUR DAD WILL SHOW UP. HE'LL STOP LILA FROM DOING ANYTHING CRAZY. AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL GO EXACTLY AS THEY PLANNED. CHARLIE: YOU DON'T KNOW. WITH MY DAD, I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT NOTHING EVER SEEMS TO GO EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS PLANNED. KIRKLAND: WHY DO WE HAVE TO EAT FIRST? I WANT TO GO SWIMMING. JAKE: I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE LAKE IN A SECOND, ALL RIGHT? COME ON, HELP ME UNPACK. KIRKLAND: THESE SANDWICHES LOOK WEIRD. DONNA: SEAN, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THESE SANDWICHES? PAULINA: I GUESS YOU GUYS DECIDED TO TAKE THE CASUAL APPROACH. JOE: WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN, THE SUIT AND TIE WAS OPTIONAL? YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT. VICKY: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? PAULINA: NO, NO. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST -- VICKY: WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO DRESSED UP? NICK: I WOULDN'T HAVE WORN THIS. LILA: THEY ARE DRESSED -- EXCUSE ME. HI. JOE: HI. PAULINA: HI. LILA: THEY ARE DRESSED UP BECAUSE THEY ARE DECENT PEOPLE WHO THINK A BRIDE AND GROOM DESERVE A LITTLE RESPECT ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. JAKE: WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? DONNA: TODAY? LILA: OH, DON'T PLAY DUMB, JAKE. I KNOW THAT CASS SENT YOU AN INVITATION BECAUSE WE ARGUED ABOUT IT. MATT: WELL, THEY WENT OUT TODAY. MAYBE THEY WEREN'T HOME WHEN THEY CAME. DONNA: NO, THEY WERE HOME ALL MORNING. ALL OF US. VICKY: OBVIOUSLY, WE DID NOT MAKE THE GUEST LIST. JAKE: YEAH. I ALWAYS THOUGHT CASS WAS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, BUT I GUESS NOT. SEAN: UM, UNCLE JAKE, UM, I THINK THAT MAYBE -- LILA: EXCUSE ME. BUT THIS IS SO CHILDISH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ANYWAY? YOU HAVE TO STEAL MY THUNDER ON MY WEDDING DAY? VICKY: ARE YOU INSANE? I DON'T -- NEVER MIND, DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION. LILA: YOU HAVE TREATED ME LIKE TRASH FROM THE DAY I WALKED IN THIS TOWN. VICKY: EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS WHEN YOU CAME HERE TO RUIN MY LIFE AND WRECK MY MARRIAGE. LILA: OH, I'VE WRECKED YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MARRIAGE? JOSIE: LET'S NOT RUIN OUR BEAUTIFUL DAY. LADIES, I'M SURE THE INVITATION THING WAS ALL A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T WE ALL GO BACK AND GET COMFORTABLE. JOE? JOE, HERE, I'LL HELP YOU -- PAULINA: FIND OUR SEATS. JOSIE: FIND YOUR SEATS. JOE: OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. PAULINA: COME ON, REMY, NICK. NICK? VICKY: YOU KNOW SOMETHING? IT'S, LIKE, SO JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL OF YOU TO TRY AND MAKE US FEEL EXCLUDED BECAUSE WE WEREN'T INVITED TO YOUR STUPID WEDDING. SEAN: VICKY, CAN I SAY SOMETHING? IT'S IMPORTANT. VICKY: HONEY, I'M TRYING TO HANDLE SOMETHING RIGHT HERE. LISTEN -- LILA: YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. IF IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU TO BE INVITED TO MY "STUPID WEDDING," THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? DONNA: WE'RE OBVIOUSLY HAVING A FAMILY PICNIC. ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS? CAN YOU COMPREHEND THAT? VICKY: NO, SHE CAN'T BECAUSE LILA THINKS EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER. LILA: NO, NO. YOU'RE HERE -- I'LL TELL YOU WHY YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE HERE TO DISRUPT EVERYTHING AND INTERRUPT MY SACRED VOWS WITH YOUR NOISE AND CARRYING ON. AND I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE. MATT: LILA -- LILA -- LILA: YOU HEAR ME? GO. MATT: LILA -- LILA: EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU. JAKE: WHOA -- PUT THE GUN DOWN. DONNA: OH, OH, OH -- VICTORIA, NO -- JAKE: PUT THE GUN DOWN. PUT THE GUN DOWN. LILA: YOU WOULDN'T DARE SPRAY ME WITH THAT THING. VICKY: DON'T UNDERESTIMATE A PREGNANT WOMAN WITH A SQUIRT GUN. LILA: WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU'RE PREGNANT? VICKY: YEAH. YEAH, I'M PREGNANT. PREGNANT WITH -- I'M PREGNANT WITH TWINS -- TWIN GIRLS. LILA: TWINS? TWINS? OH, MY -- OH, CONGRATULATIONS. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU. I'M SO HAPPY FOR BOTH OF YOU, ALL OF YOU. OH, THAT'S SO WONDERFUL. TWINS -- WHAT A MIRACLE. VICKY: IT IS. IT'S JUST -- IT'S A MIRACLE. LILA: OH. I MEAN, MY SWEET JASMINE CHANGED MY LIFE. AND I JUST THANK EVERY DAY GOD -- SHE WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL BLESSING. WE THANK OUR LUCKY STARS. I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE WONDERFUL THAN ONE BABY THAN TWO. VICKY: YEAH, I KNOW. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW WE FEEL ABOUT IT. LILA: THAT'S GREAT. SEAN: VICKY, CAN I SAY SOMETHING NOW? VICKY: SURE, SWEETHEART. WHAT IS IT? SEAN: THE INVITATION TO THE WEDDING -- IT CAME A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO. JAKE: ARE YOU SAYING THAT -- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING, SEAN? COME ON. SEAN: WELL, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE WEDDING WAS FOR TODAY, SO I JUST FIGURED I'D LEAVE IT ON THE TABLE AND YOU'D OPEN IT LATER. SORRY. VICKY: AHEM. I -- I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. LILA: WELL, LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT ALL THAT. WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME TO THE WEDDING? DONNA: WELL, WE CAN'T. WE'RE NOT REALLY DRESSED FOR A WEDDING. LILA: OH, WHO CARES? DON'T WORRY ABOUT -- I'M HAPPY, YOU'RE HAPPY. WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH TO CELEBRATE. COME ON. WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME? JAKE: IT'S UP TO YOU. VICKY: WE'D LOVE TO COME. MATT: THERE YOU GO. JAKE: HEY! VICKY: NOW, LISTEN, WE HAVE TO GO HOME AND CHANGE -- LILA: OK. VICKY: WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL BE VERY QUIET IF IT'S ALREADY STARTED. LILA: THAT'S FINE. DON'T WORRY. WE'RE A LITTLE DELAYED ANYWAY. VICKY: GUYS, CHANGE OF PLANS. WE'RE GOING HOME. WE'LL LEAVE THE PICNIC HERE. WE'LL HAVE IT AFTER THE WEDDING. LILA: CONGRATULATIONS. ISN'T THIS GREAT? I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT. TWINS. MATT: TWINS. LILA: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. MATT: I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GENEROUS YOU WERE. LILA: OH, WELL, I CAN AFFORD TO BE GENEROUS. IT'S MY WEDDING DAY. MATT: DRESSED LIKE THAT. LILA: I MEAN, I HOPE IT'S MY WEDDING DAY. MATT: YEAH. LILA: OH, MATT. OK, GIVE FELICIA ANOTHER CALL. MAYBE SHE WAS OUT WHEN YOU CALLED HER, TRYING TO GET SOMETHING. MATT: YEAH, YEAH. LILA: I'M GOING TO GO CHECK AND SEE IF MAYBE THEY'VE GOTTEN HERE. MATT: I GOT HER. I'M ON IT. HERE WE GO. OK. [TELEPHONE RINGS] SERGEI: GALLANT-RADZINSKY RESIDENCE. MATT: LOVE THE MUSIC. LISTEN, IS FELICIA THERE? SERGEI: NO. FELICIA IS ATTENDING WEDDING CEREMONY FOR DEAR FRIEND CASS WINTHROP. MATT: NO, SHE'S NOT. SHE'S NOT HERE. HOW LONG AGO DID SHE LEAVE? SERGEI: QUITE MUCH TIME. MATT: WELL, OK. THEN I GUESS THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SERGEI: WAIT A MINUTE. FELICIA'S CLOTHES ARE HERE. SHE CANNOT BE ON WAY TO WEDDING. SOMETHING NOT RIGHT. I MUST FIND HER. WAIT A MINUTE. BOOKS. ANY TIME THAT I NEED INFORMATION ABOUT FELICIA GALLANT, I LOOK AT BOOKS AND ALWAYS FIND ANSWER. FELICIA: THAT'S PRETTY TIGHT. CASS: YOU KNOW, I STILL THINK IT'S GOING TO BE TOO SHORT, HONEY. FELICIA: YEAH. WELL -- CASS: CAN'T YOU CONTRIBUTE AT LEAST ONE ITEM? FELICIA: NO. THIS IS A ONE-OF-A-KIND DESIGN. BESIDES, I DON'T REALLY THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK. CASS: WHY NOT? FELICIA: BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO HOOK IT ONTO UP THERE. SEE? RIGHT. CASS: AND YOU DIDN'T THINK OF BEFORE YOU SUGGESTED THAT I STRIP? FELICIA: WELL, I ONLY NOTICED IT ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO. CASS: AND YOU DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SHARING THAT WITH ME 10 MINUTES AGO? FELICIA: WELL, YOU WERE SO DETERMINED. I DIDN'T WANT TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, THAT'S ALL. WHAT? WHAT? CASS: WHAT DID I DO? FELICIA: CASS -- CASS: WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED? FELICIA: CASS -- CASS: ALL I WANT IS TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT? IS THERE SOME DEEP, SINISTER REASON WHY MY LIFE IS HURTLING PRECIPITOUSLY DOWN THE DAMN, STUPID, DUMB TUBES? FELICIA: I KNEW. I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. YOUR MIND IS COMPLETELY GONE. YOU'RE -- WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? [SPLASH] FELICIA: WHAT WAS THAT? CASS: HAVEN'T YOU EVER FELT LIKE THROWING ANYTHING? HUH? IT'S EITHER THAT OR WRAP MY FINGERS AROUND YOUR THROAT AND START SQUEEZING. FELICIA: THAT WAS FINE ITALIAN LEATHER. CASS: WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER, HUH? FELICIA: YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T WATCH YOU. CASS: THEN DON'T WATCH. FELICIA: I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH. GO AHEAD, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. I DON'T CARE. [CASS WHISTLES] FELICIA: OH, GOD, OH, GOD. CASS: ANOTHER FEW MINUTES AND EVERYTHING I'VE DREAMED OF FOR MONTHS IS GOING TO SLIP RIGHT THROUGH MY FINGERS. FOR ALL I KNOW, LILA WILL GET MARRIED WITHOUT ME. FELICIA: I WOULDN'T PUT THAT PAST HER. CASS: I WOULD GIVE A MILLION BUCKS -- A MILLION -- FELICIA: YOU DON'T HAVE A MILLION BUCKS. CASS: BUT IF I DID, I WOULD GLADLY GIVE IT IF ONLY YOU HADN'T DROPPED YOUR PHONE IN THE DRINK. FELICIA: I DIDN'T DROP IT. YOU KNOCKED IT INTO THE WATER, FOR GOD'S SAKE. CASS: I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON IT. FELICIA: YES, YOU DID. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS YOUR FAULT. YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU? CASS: DID YOU JUST HEAR YOURSELF -- SERGEI: HELLO? CASS: SERGEI? FELICIA: SERGEI? OH, MY GOD! CASS: WE'RE DOWN HERE! FELICIA: SERGEI! SERGEI: YES, I SEE. CASS, WHY DO YOU HAVE ON SUCH SMALL CLOTHES? FELICIA: OH -- CASS: WELL, SHE MADE ME STRIP -- FELICIA: I DID NOT. CASS: AND TIE MY CLOTHES INTO A ROPE LADDER. FELICIA: I WANTED TO MAKE A LADDER. WE LOST THE LADDER. SOMEBODY TOOK IT AWAY. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WE'VE BEEN STUCK DOWN HERE -- SERGEI: OK, OK. FELICIA: AND I LOST MY PHONE. CASS: SHE DID NOT LOSE HER PHONE. FELICIA: I DID, TOO. CASS: I WENT TO REACH FOR IT, SHE TOSSED IT IN THE LAGOON. FELICIA: THAT -- SERGEI: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? FELICIA: YES. YES! WE'RE FINE. THANK YOU, HONEY. WE'RE FINE, BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW TO COME LOOKING FOR US HERE? SERGEI: I HAD A MINDSTORM. FELICIA: HE MEANS "BRAINSTORM." SERGEI: YES. I'M LOOKING IN YOUR BOOKS. AND I REMEMBER YOU SPEAKING OF THIS FRIEND WALLINGFORD, THAT HE IS GOOD FRIEND FOR YOU -- FELICIA: YES. SERGEI: AND ALSO FOR CASS. AND I THINK MAYBE YOU HAVE COME TO MAKE PILGRIMAGE TO HIM. FELICIA: OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE BRILLIANT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. IS HE A GENIUS OR WHAT? CASS: HE'S SHERLOCK HOLMES WITH BORSCHT, HONEY. NOW, COULD HE GET US OUT OF HERE, PLEASE? HUH? FELICIA: YES, YES, YES, YES. CASS: BEFORE MY MARRIAGE BEGINS IN DIVORCE. FELICIA: I KNOW, YES. SERGEI: YES, I GOT TELEPHONE CALL FROM MATTHEW CORY. HE'S TELLING ME YOU ARE LATE FOR WEDDING. FELICIA: IT'S ALL RIGHT. CASS: OH, GREAT. THAT'S ALL I NEED -- FELICIA: NO, NO. CASS: IS MATT PICKING UP THE PIECES OF HER SHATTERED HEART. FELICIA: IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OK. CASS: SERGEI, LOOK AROUND UP THERE. FELICIA: A LADDER? CASS: CAN YOU SEE A ROPE LADDER AROUND? FELICIA: DO YOU SEE IT? SERGEI: IS THIS -- FELICIA: YES! FELICIA and CASS: YES! FELICIA: PUT IT DOWN HERE, QUICKLY. SERGEI: OK. CASS: SERGEI, HOW DO YOU SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN UKRAINIAN? FELICIA: IS IT SECURE? SERGEI: YES, IT IS. BUT WAIT. I HAVE EVEN BETTER NEWS. FELICIA: WHAT? SERGEI: I HAVE BORROWED CAR FROM FRIEND AT LIMO COMPANY. I HAVE YOUR WEDDING CLOTHES. YOU CAN CHANGE IN CAR WHILE I DRIVE YOU TO PARK. FELICIA: YOU'RE DRIVING? SERGEI: DA. FELICIA: UH -- HONEY, I DON'T -- CASS: I DON'T CARE IF STEVIE WONDER IS DRIVING. JUST GET ME TO MY BRIDE. MATT: WELL, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I CAN. LILA: HE'S CHANGED HIS MIND. MATT: NO, LILA. LILA: I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE BEEN SO STUPID. HOW COULD I ACTUALLY BELIEVE A MAN WHO HAS BEEN OBSESSING OVER ANOTHER WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HIS FORMER WIFE FOR WEEKS NOW? I MEAN, YOU JUST DON'T GET OVER SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU DON'T JUST WAKE UP LIKE OUT OF A COMA AND EVERYTHING IS HUNKY-DORY, YOU KNOW? MATT: PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME DEFEND CASS WINTHROP. I DON'T WANT -- DON'T MAKE ME DO THAT. LILA: DON'T DEFEND HIM, OK? BECAUSE HE IS INDEFENSIBLE. MATT: LILA, THE MAN LOVES YOU. COME ON. WHATEVER'S KEEPING HIM, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FRANKIE OR FRANKIE'S LOOK-ALIKE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN BENT ON MAKING THIS HAPPEN? LILA: BUT THEN HE JUST LEAVES ME HERE WITHOUT A GROOM? MATT: WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, IF IT'S A GROOM YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, I'M DRESSED. LILA: MATTHEW -- NO, THAT WOULDN'T WORK. RACHEL: WELL, THE JUDGE IS HERE. I TOLD HIM THAT WE WERE IN DELAY MODE, AND HE SAID HE WASN'T SURE HOW LONG HE COULD WAIT. CARL: IT SEEMS HE'S GOT ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TO GO TO AFTER THIS. LILA: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM. WE CAN'T FIND CASS ANYWHERE. MATT: I'LL GO TALK TO HIM. LILA: HE PROMISED ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE THERE TO PROTECT ME. I MEAN, WE'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED YET, AND HE'S ALREADY LETTING ME DOWN. RACHEL: HONEY, I'M SURE THERE'S SOME EXPLANATION. LILA: I'M NOT SURE I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO WAIT FOR IT. RACHEL: LILA -- CHARLIE: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? LILA: CHARLIE, HONEY, YOU SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE -- CHARLIE: YES. LILA: TRYING TO PRETEND LIKE THEY'RE NOT CHECKING ME OUT, LIKE THEY DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME? WELL, THEY ALL DO. THEY ALL DO BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ABANDONED ON MY WEDDING DAY. AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN TAKE WORSE THAN PITY. I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE, SWEETHEART. CHARLIE: PLEASE, DON'T GO. LILA: OH, HONEY. GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD STAY. CHARLIE: BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE OK. I KNOW IT. LILA: OH, YEAH? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? CHARLIE: BECAUSE I WISHED IT. LAST NIGHT, I WISHED ON A STAR THAT WE'D ALL BE THE HAPPIEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD -- YOU, DAD, JASMINE, AND ME. AND IT MAY SOUND STUPID, BUT DAD SAYS THAT WHEN YOU WISH ON A STAR, IT ALMOST ALWAYS COMES TRUE. AND IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE IT A CHANCE TO COME TRUE. AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY MOM, LILA. I REALLY DO. LILA: OH, PRECIOUS GIRL. I WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. SINGER: WHEN I'M WITH YOU YOU TAKE ME AWAY TO ANOTHER WORLD >> CELEBRATING 35 YEARS OF TELEVISION EXCELLENCE. VICKY: THEY HAVEN'T STARTED YET? HOPE NOTHING'S WRONG. JOE: MINOR DETAIL -- NO GROOM. JAKE: WHERE'S CASS? PAULINA: WELL, NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW. FELICIA AND CASS ARE STILL M.I.A. VICKY: WHOOPS. I HOPE HE DIDN'T CHANGE HIS MIND. PAULINA: MEOW. DONNA: LET'S NOT GET CATTY ABOUT OUR NEW BEST FRIEND. VICKY: STOP IT. PAULINA: WHAT? DONNA: SEE, VICTORIA AND LILA, THEY'RE LIKE OLD SORORITY SISTERS NOW. THEY HAD A RECONCILIATION. AND "NAUSEATING" IS A LITTLE STRONG, BUT -- VICKY: A MOMENT. EXCUSE ME. WE HAD A MOMENT. I'M NOT GOING TO START ASKING HER OVER FOR COOKIES AND COFFEE. PAULINA: YEAH, OK. DONNA: I DON'T KNOW. VICKY: A MOMENT. MARLEY: IS IT OVER? DID WE MISS IT? JAKE: NO. HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET. WHERE WERE YOU GUYS? TYRONE: FLAT TIRE. JOE: YEAH. MARLEY: NO, NO, NO, REALLY. TYRONE HAD TO CHANGE IT IN HIS SUIT. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I'M SURPRISED THAT YOU'RE HERE, KNOWING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE BRIDE. JAKE: OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. TELL THEM, VIC. TELL THEM HOW YOU AND LILA DISCOVERED THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS. I COULD FEEL IT FROM WHERE I WAS SITTING. I -- OH. MATT: WELL, CHARLIE GOT LILA TO CALM DOWN A LITTLE BIT, BUT IF CASS DOESN'T SHOW UP SOON, I THINK SHE'S GOING TO BOLT. DONNA: WELL, THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE. MATT: YEAH, I KNOW. DONNA: TELL US SOMETHING ENCOURAGING. CARL: WELL, I'M AFRAID THE JUDGE IS MAKING SOUNDS ABOUT LEAVING. MATT: OH, IF CASS DOESN'T HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE WHEN HE GETS HERE, HE'S GOING TO HAVE AN ANGRY MOB NIPPING AT HIS HEELS, AND I'M GOING TO BE LEADING THE PACK. [TIRES SQUEAL] FELICIA: OH. OH. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. CASS: WHAT IS -- FELICIA: OH, GIVE ME THAT. CASS: NOW, ARE THESE YOURS, OR ARE THESE YOURS? FELICIA: THIS ONE'S MINE. [TIRES SQUEAL] FELICIA: ALL RIGHT. DO YOU HAVE MY OTHER SHOE? DON'T LIE ON ME. COME ON. CASS: IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE WORN HIGH HEELS, HONEY -- FELICIA: OK. THANK YOU. CASS: AND YOU KNOW IT. AND I DON'T WHAT PASSES FOR A D.M.V. IN THE KREMLIN, COMRADE, BUT WHAT CROOKED OFFICIAL DID YOU BRIBE TO GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE? FELICIA: FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. SERGEI! PLEASE, WOULD YOU JUST SLOW IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT? [TIRES SQUEAL] SERGEI: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS NECESSARY FOR US TO GET TO WEDDING QUICKLY. FELICIA: WELL, WE'D LIKE TO GET THERE ALIVE. THAT'S EXTREMELY DESIRABLE, BELIEVE ME. CASS: FORGET ABOUT IT, SERGEI. JUST FLOOR IT. I DON'T WANT LILA TO SUFFER ONE MINUTE LONGER THAN SHE HAS TO THINKING THE WORST. SERGEI: OK. HERE WE GO. [ENGINE REVS] FELICIA: AH! OK, ALL RIGHT. DON'T -- DON'T TORTURE YOURSELF, ALL RIGHT? CASS: UH-HUH. FELICIA: I MEAN, WHAT COULD HAPPEN THAT COULD BE ANY WORSE THAN THIS, HUH? [TIRES SQUEAL] CHARLIE: ANY SEVENS? LILA: GO FISH. CHARLIE: ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SEVENS? LILA: OH, HONEY, I'M NOT TRYING TO CHEAT. I JUST CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON THIS. I REALLY CAN'T. CHARLIE: JUST GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD -- DAD IS GOING TO GET HERE. LILA: "DAD IS GOING TO GET HERE." CHARLIE: HIM AND FELICIA ARE GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE. LILA: "HIM AND FELICIA ARE GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE." MATT: HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CARD GAME? LILA: I CAN'T CONCENTRATE. MATT: WELL, MAYBE YOU NEED A BETTER GAME, LIKE HEARTS. THAT'S A MORE APPROPRIATE GAME, ISN'T IT? LILA: MAYBE WE SHOULD START HANDING OUT DECKS OF CARDS TO THE GUESTS, YOU KNOW, FOR THE MOST ENDLESS WAIT IN HISTORY. MATT: HMM. WELL, I THINK EVERYONE'S OK. NICK STARTED A FRISBEE TOURNAMENT. LILA: A FRISBEE TOURNAMENT? PEOPLE ARE PLAYING FRISBEE AT MY WEDDING? MATT: NOTHING ELSE TO DO. LILA: OH, I JUST HOPE NO ONE FROM THE "HERALD" IS GOING TO COVER THIS BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE THE MOST LAUGHINGEST STOCK -- OH, SWEETHEART, I KNOW I SAID I WAS GOING TO STAY AND STICK THIS OUT, BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT. I CAN'T TAKE THIS HUMILIATION ANOTHER SECOND -- CASS: LILA! MATT: CALM DOWN -- CASS: LILA, I'M HERE! PAULINA: OH, MY GOSH. CASS: LILA? ALL: YAY! [APPLAUSE] CASS: LOOK AT YOU. LILA: OH, CASS. CASS, CASS. OH, CASS, I WAS LOSING MY MIND HERE. CASS: I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. I FEEL TERRIBLE. I WAS FRANTIC, TOO. I WOULD HAVE CALLED, BUT FELICIA LOST HER PHONE. FELICIA: I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T GOING TO POINT ANY FINGERS, HONEY. MATT: WHERE WERE YOU GUYS? CASS: FELICIA WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THIS PLACE THAT WALLY HAD BUILT YEARS AGO. DEAR WALLY -- WHAT A GREAT GUY HE WAS. YOU REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU ABOUT HIM, RIGHT? LILA: OH, YES. FELICIA: IT WAS A VERY SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY, LILA. CASS: WE WERE JUST GOING TO SPEND A FEW MINUTES IN QUIET CONTEMPLATION THERE. LILA: UH-HUH. YOU HAVE LEAVES IN YOUR HAIR. WHAT IS THAT? CASS: OH, HONEY, I'M HERE, YOU KNOW? WE CAN GET MARRIED NOW. WHO CARES ABOUT THE HAIR? LILA: WELL, HONEY, THIS ISN'T EXACTLY, YOU KNOW, MY DREAM COME TRUE, WAITING ON YOU, YOU HAVING A LEAF IN YOUR HAIR -- CASS: I THOUGHT THE POINT WAS TO STOP DREAMING AND GET ON WITH THIS AND MAKE THIS REALITY. ISN'T THAT WHY WE'RE HERE? CHARLIE: LILA, JUST SAY YES. YOU GUYS CAN FIGHT LATER. JUST PLEASE SAY YES. LILA: LET'S GET MARRIED. MATT: ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL THE JUDGE WE'RE ON, ALL RIGHT? CASS: MATT, THANKS. MATT: SURE. SERGEI: SO YOU WILL KINDLY TELL ME WHERE I AM TO BE SITTING? FELICIA: YES. BUT FIRST THERE'S SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU. YOU ARE PROBABLY THE WORST DRIVER IN THE HISTORY OF CAR TRAVEL, AND AS A WRITER, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT YOU ARE -- WELL, YOU'RE JUST KIND OF SO-SO. BUT HOLY MACKEREL, AS A HUMAN BEING, YOU ARE BEYOND COMPARE. SERGEI: OH, MY SWEETHEART, MY LUSCIOUS DARLING. FELICIA: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. LET'S NOT LOSE OUR HEADS HERE, HUH? REMEMBER, WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MARRIAGE. SERGEI: MAYBE NOT NOW. BUT LIFE IS LONG, AND I AM A VERY, VERY PATIENT MAN. FELICIA: OK. VICKY: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A GROOM. ALL RIGHT, I OWE YOU ALL 10 BUCKS, I KNOW. PAULINA: PAY UP, PAY UP. JOE: HEY, BY THE WAY -- HERE. I STOCKED UP. PAULINA: OH, JOE, YOU KNOW I NEVER CRY AT WEDDINGS. JOE: YEAH, HUH? HEY, LISTEN, DANTE, YOUR MOTHER CRIES AT THE FUNNY PAPERS. DID YOU KNOW THAT? THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I WILL LOVE YOU TILL THE END OF TIME. JAKE: OH, NO. PAULINA: STOP. NOW I AM GOING TO CRY. GIMME. JOE: THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT THEM. CHRIS: HEY? TONI: MM-HMM? CHRIS: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TONI: JUST GIVING UP A LITTLE PRAYER OF THANKS. I'M GLAD THE WEDDING DIDN'T GO UP IN FLAMES. IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE BEST MOTIVATOR FOR A MAN RECENTLY ENGAGED. CHRIS: BABY, PLEASE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I DON'T NEED ANY OUTSIDE MOTIVATION. JUST ONE LOOK AT YOU IN THIS DRESS, AND I GET ALL THE MOTIVATION I NEED. CASS: SO, TELL ME, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO A WEDDING WHERE THE GROOM AND THE BEST MAN HELD HANDS? FELICIA: YOU KNOW, SO WHAT IF THIS ISN'T A CONVENTIONAL WEDDING. SINCE WHEN DID YOU AND I EVER DO ANYTHING CONVENTIONAL? CASS: NEVER. AND WE AIN'T STARTING NOW. [PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D" PLAYS] ALL: AW. [BRIDAL MARCH PLAYS] LILA: IT'S REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN THIS TIME, ISN'T IT, CASS? CASS: YES. LILA: AND THERE'S NO GIRLFRIENDS -- OLD GIRLFRIENDS COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK? CASS: NARY A ONE. I'M ALL YOURS. JUDGE: FRIENDS, TODAY, WE ARE PRIVILEGED TO SHARE WITH CASS WINTHROP AND LILA ROBERTS A MOMENT OF SUPREME JOY IN THE NEW LIFE THEY NOW BEGIN TOGETHER. WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER HERE IN THE PRESENCE OF THIS COMPANY -- CASS: EXCUSE ME? JUDGE: YES? CASS: COULD I JUST SAY A FEW WORDS BEFORE WE CONTINUE? JUDGE: MR. WINTHROP, THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR. AND I SHOULD TELL YOU, I HAVE ALREADY SPENT ABOUT AS MUCH TIME HERE -- CASS: IT'LL JUST TAKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES. HONEST, JUDGE. HI, EVERYBODY. PAULINA: HI, CASS. JOE: HI, CASS. JAKE: HEY, CASS. CASS: I COULDN'T LET THIS GO ANY FURTHER WITHOUT TELLING YOU HOW GRATEFUL I AM THAT YOU ALL CAME TODAY. AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR NOT RUNNING OFF WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO MAKE IT. I WOULD TELL YOU WHY WE WERE DETAINED, BUT IT'S A LONG STORY. AND, YOU KNOW, IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I'M HERE NOW. I MEAN, I'M HERE NOW, AND I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS 6 STANDING ON LINE FOR THE FERRIS WHEEL. THAT WHEEL WAS SO HIGH THAT I COULD BARELY SEE THE TOP. AND THIS GIRL I KNEW, MADELINE OUTHOW, SHE WAS FEW YEARS OLDER THAN ME, SHE WAS SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. SHE WAS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER THAT SHE WANTED TO GET OFF, YOU KNOW? BUT DID I EVEN CONSIDER GIVING UP MY PLACE IN LINE? HUH? GARY? TYRONE? NO WAY. NO WAY. I KNEW, EVEN AT THAT TENDER AGE, THAT YOU DON'T PASS UP THE CHANCE FOR HIGH ADVENTURE. AND THAT'S WHY I THREW THIS CEREMONY TOGETHER SO FAST THAT YOU ALL HARDLY HAD TIME TO GET DRESSED AND GET OVER HERE. I JUST COULDN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF WAITING ONE MORE MINUTE BEFORE I COULD START MY HIGH ADVENTURE. BEFORE THIS WOMAN CAME INTO MY LIFE, I STARTED TO THINK THAT MAYBE IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO BECOME DIGNIFIED, TO BE -- [FELICIA LAUGHS] CASS: TO BE QUIETLY GRATEFUL THAT I HAD ALREADY HAD MORE THAN MY SHARE OF EXCITEMENT IN THIS LIFETIME, TO START WEANING MYSELF FROM THE IDEA THAT I DESERVE MORE HAPPINESS. AND THEN THIS RAVEN-HAIRED BEAUTY SHOWED UP, AND SUDDENLY MY BRIEF FLIRTATION WITH DIGNITY WAS RIGHT DOWN THE TUBES. FROM THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON YOU, YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A MOMENT'S PEACE. BUT, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE TALK ABOUT PEACE LIKE IT'S SOMETHING WORTH STRIVING FOR. AND IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S WAY OVERRATED. I'LL TAKE THE BLOOD POUNDING IN MY EARS OVER A QUIET EVENING ROCKING ON THE FRONT PORCH ANY DAY. LILA'S MY GUARANTEE THAT I'LL NEVER GROW COMPLACENT AND MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE ROUTINE. SHE'S LIKE A BRILLIANT LIGHT THAT SHINED ITSELF INTO THE DARK AND PROFOUND PLACES THAT I'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT. SO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR BEING A PART OF ONE OF THE GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. YOU ALL MEAN MUCH MORE TO ME THAN WORDS COULD EVER EXPRESS. THANK YOU. I NEEDED THAT. THANKS, JUDGE. JUDGE: SO, AS I WAS SAYING, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN IN THE BONDS OF MATRIMONY -- LILA: HOLD IT. JUST A MINUTE. WELL, I CAN'T LET THAT GO UNANSWERED. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST FLABBERGASTED. I HAD NO IDEA THAT CASS WAS GOING TO SPEAK UP LIKE THIS. BUT THEN AGAIN, HE'S ALWAYS SURPRISING ME. THAT'S WHAT I COULDN'T RESIST. THAT AND THE FACT THAT HE ALWAYS KNEW WHAT I MEANT INSTEAD OF WHAT I SAID. OH, HOW HOPPING MAD THAT USED TO MAKE ME AT FIRST. I MEAN, HOW HE WOULD JUST WALK IN AND THEN 10 MINUTES AFTER SAYING HELLO, HE WOULD KNOW ME. AND HE WOULD SEE THROUGH ALL MY TRICKS, EVEN THE TRIED AND TRUE ONES THAT WORKED ON EVERYBODY ELSE. HE WOULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT. BUT HE NEVER SAID CHANGE. HE NEVER SAID, "LILA, YOU GO AND BE A GOOD PERSON, AND THEN I'LL LOVE YOU." HE JUST LOVED ME ANYWAY. AND THEN HIS LITTLE GIRL LET ME INTO HER HEART. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT AT FIRST, BUT AFTER I DID, A FUNNY THING HAPPENED, YOU KNOW? I WANTED TO BE A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE I WANTED TO DESERVE THEM BOTH. I WANTED TO DESERVE THEM AND JASMINE AND ALL OF THE MAGICAL THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. I WANT TO LIVE UP TO WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME, CASS. AND I'M GOING TO NEED ALL OF YOU TO HELP ME STICK TO IT. OK, WE CAN GO ON. JUDGE: THIS IS THE MOST CHAOTIC WEDDING I'VE EVER BEEN A PARTY TO. FELICIA: WELL, YOU HAVEN'T LIVED IN THIS TOWN VERY LONG, HAVE YOU? JUDGE: MATRIMONY IS AN HONORABLE ESTATE, AND THEREFORE NOT TO BE ENTERED INTO UNADVISEDLY. KIRKLAND: MOM -- VICKY: SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. KIRKLAND: I'M SERIOUS. I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE OVER THERE IN A MONKEY SUIT. VICKY: HONEY, SOMETIMES THEY CALL TUXEDOS MONKEY SUITS. IT DOESN'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A REAL MONKEY. SHH. KIRKLAND: MOM -- VICKY: HONEY, PLEASE. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER. WE NEED TO BE QUIET NOW. JUDGE: WHY THEY MAY NOT BE LAWFULLY JOINED TOGETHER, LET HIM NOW SPEAK -- SERGEI: GORILLA! GORILLA! [SCREAMING] FELICIA: OH, MY GOD! CASS! [LILA SCREAMS] >> STAY TUNED FOR SCENES FROM TOMORROW'S SHOW. [SCREAMING] FELICIA: GET ME SAM RATCLIFFE. NO, HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HELP ME RIGHT NOW. JOE: YEAH, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. I SAID A GORILLA HAS CASS. ALL: WHAT GORILLA? CINDY: THAT GORILLA! [CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY PROCTER & GAMBLE PRODUCTIONS, INC.] [CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.] [PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE]