Title: Tonight III: From the ashes of tears (Part 3 of 3) Author: Jaime Lyn Email: LeiaMercury@msn.com OR LeiaMercry@AOL.com Rating: PG-13 Category: S/R/A Spoilers: Seasons 4 and 5 (Cancer episodes, Emily episodes) Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance Summary: For Mulder and Scully, is it easier to fight than it is to give in? Where does their truth lie? (Part 3 of 3) Author's Note* This one takes place later during the week of the second story. This is the last one in the series unless I get enough response to do follow-up stories. (Although you don't REALLY need to read the first two parts to get this one.) I hope you've enjoyed them. All comments are welcomed and appreciated. Disclaimer: No I still don't own them, but the lottery drawing IS on Saturday...I wonder what Mulder and Scully go for? Tonight III (3 parts): From the Ashes of Tears By Jaime Lyn (1/3) Starting with Scully... God, I feel like hell tonight. Tears of rage I cannot fight. I'd be the last to help you understand. Are you strong enough to be my man? When I've shown you that I just don't care, When I'm throwing punches in the air, when I'm broken down and cannot stand, will you be strong enough to be my man? -----Sheryl Crow "Mulder-Mulder-I-. No. No that's not what I'm saying I-" I sigh as he interrupts me YET again, and I run a weary hand through my damp strawberry hair. Its not even dry yet. Damn it. I sigh again. This whole night has been ridiculous. Just ridiculous. My fingers begin to wring out dripping auburn strands as Mulder continues to rant, his words becoming one long monotonous strain. I can't even think straight anymore, and I know that its partially my own fault. For one, I know I shouldn't have decided to do case write ups after dinner. That would have to be my first mistake. My second would be the late night shower I decided upon when the power flickered and shut my computer off. If only...Oh if only I had decided to stop typing earlier, turn off my cell phone and take a nice long bubble bath, then none of this would be transpiring. Mulder never would have gotten through to my cellular and that would have been it. But no. I, being the loyal partner and friend that I am, heard the ringing and jumped right out of the shower. What if something was wrong, I thought. What if Mulder was in trouble-what if...Well, it was 1 am-why else would he call? Why else indeed. I begin to grit my teeth in anger. Its now even later. No-no I take that back. Its way beyond late. Its three O' clock in the morning--THREE O' CLOCK in the fucking morning, and I don't believe this. I can't believe this. I'm tired. I'm exhausted and I don't know why I am bothering. I don't understand what possesses me to sit here and argue with him when I know I can't win. I know he won't listen to me and yet I am sitting here, like an idiot-no-like an INSANE idiot and doing this-this bantering back and forth. It is getting neither one of us anywhere really, and I think I'm going to kill him...Well, maybe kill is a BIT extreme. I guess maim would be better. Yeah- maim-that'd work... "Scully, just listen. I-I think that this is a classic haunting-really. I do. I mean did you SEE the way that old guy acted? He was off balance, he was-" "Wait-So basically what you're telling me is that you're grounding your entire theory of poltergeist on a guy whom, for some reason, gives you a case of the creeps?" my voice begins to rise and I can hear my cell phone crackling against his breathing. We've been bantering and arguing for nearly an hour and I'm surprised that my battery hasn't run out yet. Then again, considering the circumstances, I don't know how I thought that I could ever get that lucky. Mental note Dana: TURN OFF CELL PHONE OR ELSE IT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF TAKING PHONE OFF OF HOOK. God, I can be so stupid sometimes that it even infuriates me. Sighing, I close my eyes and try to chase these thoughts away, instead focusing on not losing my sanity over the phone. I want to strangle him. I really do. "Mulder, that doesn't hold up as valid forensic evidence to warrant investigation. For crissakes-" "No Scully. That's not what I'm basing this on-thhe murders, I-wait a minute. You know what? I'm getting a little sick of this. Why is it every time I have a theory, you treat it like some notion of triviality? Like the rantings of some nut who needs to be locked up?" I can almost see him standing there, getting up to pace his apartment in frustration over the other end of the phone. He sounds as if he hasn't slept, perhaps in days, and this cranky nature of his is only making it more transparent. I can hear that he doesn't really mean to offend me, that he's just frustrated by lack of a solid lead in our latest case and for a moment I am silent. I don't know why I sit here and take his crap when he gets like this. Sometimes it pisses me off to no end that he pulls this. That he takes his anger out on me. I'm not his damn punching bag; I'm his damn partner. But of course, being who I am, I decide to let it go. I always do. For some insane reason I love him too much to bother, and besides, it's just not worth arguing over at this point. It's his typical "injured puppy" act, so I decide to turn on my "You know I'm just trying to do my job so don't take it personally" speech, but my heart really isn't in it. My heart is yearning for my bed along with the rest of my body. "Mulder, you know that's not what I think. You know I value your theories and opinions. I'm just trying to be the voice of reason here. I-" "Excuse me?! You're the what?" Uh oh. Wrong thing to say. He probably thinks I'm patronizing him now. Good idea Dana. Piss him off. Maybe then he'll be oh so understanding when you tell him how tired you are and... "The voice of reason?! Well I'm so sorry Agent Scully, I forgot that I was supposed to be the crazy one. The 'Spooky' one-forgive me. Why don't you tell me again how stupid my theory is and then-" "You know I don't think you're crazy Mulder. Tired perhaps-but not crazy." There is silence from his end of the phone. He is contemplating my words; considering that he might have overreacted. I can tell by his breathing. Oh god-how sick is that? I know what he's thinking just by the way his breathing echoes into my phone. I am a sad individual. My brain considers this as my eyes close. Damn it-my head is pounding. My fingers reach up to the bridge of my nose, and I rub my throbbing forehead in defeat. My hair is dripping watery beads onto the reciever. Oh terrific-I'll just add electrocution onto the list of things I can slug Mulder for. Let's see-dragging me from my shower, keeping me awake, biting my head off,... "What is that noise Scully?" Oh, so you noticed it did you Mulder? Well, why don't I just explain to you what that noise is. How you dragged me from a nice hot shower. How I almost tripped and fell over the coffee table, running soaking wet to get to the phone. Or maybe how I'm fighting the urge to kill you and leave your body in a ditch so that I can get some sleep... "My hair." The answer is dry, devoid of emotion. I'm Fighting to keep my voice even, trying to stifle a yawn. "I jumped out of the shower for you Mulder. I just washed it and its dripping onto the phone. And my feet...and my carpet...and-" "Alright, alright I get the point." More silence. "Look Scully, I'm sorry. I know you don't think I'm crazy...I just-I didn't mean to keep you up or anything-I really didn't. I just couldn't sleep and was thinking about the case so I-I took a drive and decided to call you and I'm sorry I-" A drive? What in the... "Mulder," I begin evenly, "Where are you exactly?" Silence follows and then the sound of munching. Probably sunflower seeds. I push my sopping hair away so that it rests on my left shoulder. A new puddle begins to spread on the carpet beneath it. "Mulder?" I question again. My voice carries an almost warning quality to it. What has he been doing all this time? Where has he been? "Well..." He starts and trails off. Slowly, A hunch begins to form at the back of my mind, nagging at me. My brow furrows in confusion, and then in recognition, and I realize that I don't need his answer. I know where Mulder is, I just do for some reason, and my mouth begins to open. He just can't be where I think he is. He just can't. It would be crazy-nonsensical, it would be...so... So like Mulder. A very "Mulderish" thing to do. Even so, I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to say. What can I say? I can almost see his self-satisfied smile over the line, and I know that whatever I say will only make it grow larger. He probably thinks this is amusing as hell. So without a word, I shift the phone to my left ear, my mouth still hanging slightly ajar. In my bare feet, I trudge over to the window, pattering softly along the plush carpeting. I peek my head uncertainly through the blinds. I know he knows I'm doing this, and in a strange way, it makes my heart swell. It also makes me want to hit him...wipe that smile off his face for dragging me out of the shower, then strangle him for making me wear out the batteries of my cell when there was no need for it...then kiss him for...Wait-hold on--KISS him?! Why would I...No. We've been through that. I DO NOT want to kiss him...I..Ok, well maybe a little bit...a tiny bit?? Sigh. I have a feeling that if the logical part of me was a seperate being entirely, it would be shaking it's head morosely at me right now. "Well Scully, like I said, I couldn't sleep and I had nowhere to go. So I thought I'd take a drive to unwind. Unnerve myself and I guess...I guess I ended up-well I ended up sitting here in my car...talking to you." I look out my window at the darkened street before me and I see him clearly, leaning up against his car casually popping sunflower seeds, his form bathed in the warm glow of the street lamp. "Ten feet from my front door?" I ask, confused and yet touched at the same time. Somehow his subconscious brought him here-to me, and it could have taken him anywhere else. Then again, I wouldn't want him to be anywhere else-- not if he's upset about something. I can't help but wonder though, why didn't he just knock? Use his key-anything? Why didn't he just come in? Why did he sit there for two hours arguing with me over his cell phone? I know there just have to be other things on his mind. More pressing matters. Some conspiracy out there that could feed this 3 am insomnia...Why all the trepidation about coming to face me? I sigh and shiver involuntarily. I guess there must be something bothering him that in some form involves me. He wouldn't be out there for no reason-or at least I don't think he would, if there wasn't something he wished to discuss with me. God, I don't know how that makes me feel. Kind of jittery inside I guess and I don't know why. Ok, well that's not necessarily true. I DO know that he's probably still thinking about the mishap in the office. The incident that nearly destroyed the line we always fought so hard to draw for ourselves. The incident that I had basically instigated, if, for no other reason than to test the emotions I didn't want to vocalize. Maybe he wanted to talk about the way our relationship has been deteriorating lately; the strange, uncomfortable air that's been following us for some reason. Maybe he's been out there trying to figure out a way to approach me, sorting out his words and waiting for the right opportunity. The right moment to bring up the issue we've been avoiding for awhile now, probably because we've become so good at it. And that's what scares me about him being here more than anything else. He smiles goofily at me as he walks nonchalantly from his car, and slowly I smile back. I'm supposing that it's contagious because I just can't help myself. I love his smile. It's insane, but I do. The most infuriating thing about it is that I think he knows this about me. I think he uses it against me sometimes to get what he wants; to make me listen to him when I'm too angry to even look at him. Oh well. The least I can say about it, is that it does work. There isn't anyone else who knows my soft spots better. I guess deep inside I know that I like it that way. That I'd never change it even if I was tired and annoyed. I'm too used to it I suppose. With an air of exasperation I move from the window. "I guess there's no one I'd rather piss off at this hour than you, Scully," he whispers into his end of the phone, and I'm taken aback. Ok, so he doesn't exactly have a real penchant for words, but I know what he means to say. I can hear it in the tone of his voice. How he's able to do this amazes me to no end. Just when I think I'm going to kill him, shoot him--again--he manages to endear himself to me and wipe the thought out of my head. It's unbelievable. "Mulder," I groan into my cellular, "Just...just get out of your car and get in here already. This is ridiculous. Do you know how high this phone bill is going to be?" I can hear his chuckling over the other end, and it begins to irritate me. He's enjoying this little "game" of his immensely. "What Dana? You don't want to come out here in your robe and give the neighbors a show? You certainly had no problem giving me one the other day in the office..." Oh that...Oh god...he's never going to let me live that down. My face flushes just thinking about it. He HAS come here to discuss that, I just know that he has. My heart begins to pound. I remember his expression-his face burned into my memory as he handed me my shirt. I couldn't have imagined that he wanted me. That I wanted him to want me...That... "Hey-Dana-you ahh-you gonna open the door or what?" Oh...OH! Right-he's standing at the doorstep. Wait-what did he say? He called me Dana again. He never calls me that. My pulse races. He doesn't know that I love to hear him say it, although that's probably because I never told him. Hmmm...maybe I should...Maybe I should tell him everything...what I'm feeling and how I love...No!-where in the world did that come from? A voice in the back of my mind? Well damn that voice. I silence it. I have to. This is Mulder after all, and not just anyone. The whole idea of it, of "us" is ridiculous. Partners do not fall in love. They just don't. Period. End of sentence. Ok...Dana, now focus on something else... I decide to let my brain switch gears... Something serious must definitely be up for him to be calling me this late... and by my first name nontheless. He never does that unless he's nervous. But then again, I've been wondering for months whether something's been up with him. His behavior has been somewhat...odd lately I suppose. Well, ok, more odd than usual, and it's not like I've been the picture of normality either but... It must be something that for some reason has become urgent... Something important I'm figuring, but I'm not sure if it's what I think it might be. After all, it's not like his whole life revolves around me. Around our strange relationship. He has his truth, his sister. Things I'll always take a back seat to. Perhaps he has a lead, a strong hunch that he thinks may lead him to Samantha. Perhaps I've been reading him wrong, I dunno. I guess he'll tell me though. I just have a funny feeling... I undo the latch and throw open the door. *** Ok, so maybe it wasn't the smartest idea I've had thus far. I mean sure, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Can't sleep-go for a drive. Sure. Why not? It's not like I had anything else to do or anything. Of course when I left I wasn't planning on coming here. I wasn't planning on sitting in my car, talking to HER within 10 feet of her apartment. Then again, its not like I really plan any of the messes I get myself into anyhow. Would this be considered a mess? Hmmm... Well, its not like I'm in any trouble and it's not like she is either, but still... I feel like I've painted myself into a nice little corner. How am I going to explain my way out of this one?-Without her seeing right through me... I hear her fumbling with the lock from the inside and soon enough the door is opened up for me. She is standing there...in a robe. In NOTHING but a robe...Oh god... "Mulder-" "Your hair is dripping all over the place Scully." Now why the hell did I say THAT?! Of all the things to say... Real good opening. Tell her something she already knows and already wants to kill you for. "You would think so Mulder. You know, I hear that it's a natural reaction to running water when you take a shower." She replies dryly, standing there with her arms folded restlesslly, her copper locks dripping onto them. It's actually quite a sensual sight. Red hair dripping; angry pouty lips that look so hoplessly adorable when she tries to stay angry with me. I wonder if there's anything under that little robe of her's...wait-no. Down boy. Down Mulder. Totally innapropriate line of thought. Completely out of line...This is your partner. Look but don't touch-or even think about touching-remember? "Mulder would you just -oh for goddsakes-" She releases a groan of exasperation and grabs my arm, yanking me into her apartment with out another word, latching the door shut behind her. Ok, so maybe she's not amused. I can understand that. "Look Mulder, I'm going to go towel my hair out a bit and..." She looks down and wraps her arms around her chest self consciously. I think she's just realized that she's only wearing a robe. God she looks good though. I don't think there's anyone in this world who could make a plain cotton robe look that appealing. "And put some clothes on myself," She finishes, pattering off to her room. "Aww come on Scully-I thought you liked walking around topless for me." I smile at her. My remark wins me a murderous glance. "If I were you Mulder, I wouldn't talk. I've seen you naked you know." Now that one surprises me. Usually Scully doesn't play this game. Usually it's me that makes all the comments and her who gives me that infamous "Scully" eyebrow, while fighting to keep a straight face. I rather like this change though. I wonder what brought it on...I hear her door slam and then nothing. She's changing. Slowly, I rise from the couch that I know so well and look around the room. I've been here at least a hundred times, but I don't think I've ever really looked around. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to see what CD's she listens to. What knick-knacks she keeps out. I graze my fingers along her CD holder. Mozart, Brahms, Beethoven...all classical stuff. I wonder if she listens to them when her nerves are frayed-like they seem to have been a lot lately. There are some others scattered in there though. Hotel California by the Eagles, a few Chicago and...Mariah Carey? My lips turn up at that one. Somehow I just can't picture Scully dancing around her apartment to the musical stylings of Mariah Carey. I pull out one of the CDs cautiously and think. Music. We could definitely use some music. I open up her CD changer and pop in Chicago, Beethoven and something else I randomly grabbed. Then I realize that I have no idea how to work the damn thing. Uh oh...close the holder...there that's good...Now press some buttons...No that's not-wait-I hear music. Hallelujah. I adjust the volume and stroll over to her mantle. I wonder what pictures she-hey! wait a minute-where did this one come from? My eyes come to rest on her mantle where a scattering of photographs grace the smooth surface; her mother and father, her siblings and other family members. But the one that catches my eye is over 20 years old. It's a picture of me... "Your mother gave that to me." My body jerks in surprise and I turn around to see her standing behind me. She smiles faintly and touches my shoulder for just a moment, as if to say "sorry for startling you." She's wearing an old faded jersey from college and plaid boxers. Her hair is still wet. It makes her look so innocent, so many years younger. I peer at her inquisitively. "My mother?" I ask. "Uh, when did you see her?" She continues to smile, picking up the photograph pristinely, as if she's afraid the meager act alone will shatter it into a million pieces. "She came to see you once but you weren't there-at the office that is. I was right outside the building and on my way to lunch. Anyway, I guess she recognized me from the time we went to see her-remember? I'm supposing that's it but I'm not sure. She knew me though. Must have remembered my name, because she called after me and asked me where you were. I said I didn't know... She was worried about you, you know. I know you don't think that she worries about you all that much but... anyways, I told her that I was too. That's when she took this out of her bag...She said that-that I should look out for you-that she had heard you talk about me and figured...well that I could try to keep you out of the trouble that seems to follow you everywhere...So that one day you'd be able to just rest... and be like this again." I watch as she looks down at the photo, running her hands over the glass frame on top. "Be like what again, Scully?" My arms touches her's almost automatically. "Happy," is all she says for a moment, still gazing down at the photograph of a smiling, cocky ten year old boy. "Carefree, without pain..." She replaces the picture back where she removed it and looks to me, as if trying to regain whatever control she feels she is losing. Then she takes a deep breath. I'm beyond touched that she keeps this here. That she has this small token of me perched upon her mantle, lying among pictures of her family. I know its Scully's way of telling me that she cares. I feel like a cretin for making her feel as if she needs to let me know. Do I really worry her so? "Did you ahhh...want anything Mulder?" Her voice is small, almost afraid. She's looking at me questioningly and I stare at her-into her, gazing into those liquid blue eyes of her's. I wonder just how much I can read into that question. She is staring back. My god-does she know what I'm thinking? Do I even know what I'm thinking? Her mouth is slightly open and she remains quiet for a moment, contemplating my silence perhaps. I stare at her lips. They form a heart shape when she opens them, I notice. God, how I want to trace my fingers along them. Brush my lips over them... "Mulder? You never answered my-" "OH! Oh yeah-ice tea if you got it-sorry. I just kinda..." My voice trails off. My brain is running over time. I watch as she walks to the kitchen, pushing stubborn locks of damp hair over her ear. I let out a breath I never realized I was holding. Woah. Down boy...again... I need to put a stop to this, I really do... "Anything else Mulder? You hungry?" I hear her voice echo from the kitchen as she pours my ice tea. I take in another deep breath. Yes actually, there is something I want...Something I have a craving for...Something I...NO! stop it. Just stop, I order my brain. God-I've got to stop thinking about her like this-It just can't go on. It's driving me insane. My head is going to explode...Unless I tell her...unless I let her know how I..NO. No, I can't do that. Then my brain will most certainly explode... And she would leave. She'd be horrified and leave. Oh god, I could never live with myself if she did. I don't know what I would do without her. I need her. I need her so much it hurts, I...I don't know what to do. God help me I don't know what to do... *** *** Part 2... Scully's cup of tea... Ice tea Dana, concentrate on the ice tea...Lord knows I need to get my mind off of...well I won't think it. I just won't. After all, there's nothing wrong with denial is there? "No-no thanks. Actually I ate an entire pack of sunflower seeds in the car." His voice pokes through my thoughts. What? What is he talking about? OH... Oh yeah-I asked him if he wanted something to eat. Jesus-I can't even remember what I was saying just two minutes ago. How sad is this? I can't even...wait a second...uh oh...Why are my fingers wet...and my toes and my.... "Damn it!" I curse. Terrific. I've just spilled Mulder's Ice tea all over the floor. So much for concentration. Angrilly, I grab a nearby towel hanging placidly over its plastic holder. Man, am I smooth... "What's going on in there Scully? You ok?" Oh terrific. That's just what I need. Mulder coming in here and making fun of the fact that I can't even pour a simple glass of Ice tea. My hands move even quicker as I swipe at the liquid mess dripping onto my tile. "I'm fine Mulder-I just-knocked something over, that's all." Ok, well that IS true... "You sure?" His voice sounds almost challenging. I think he can sense what's on my mind...Oh no...no...change the subject... "So Mulder, you ahh...found some music to your liking?" The mess is cleaned up. Good. Carefully, I pick up his glass and move back into the living room. Oh god-please don't spill... "Well, I was thinking Mariah Carey but somehow I thought that I should save her for later. You know-if nothing else turns you on..." Oh ha ha Mulder. You're hilarious. I give him a pathetic glance. "My friend Ellen gave it to me." I tell him softly. "She told me to play one of the songs low the next time I had a date. Needless to say, I never listened to it..." God, how pathetic is that? I really have no life. When was the last time I had a date? Come to think of it, I can't even remember... "So uhh...what were we talking about before I came in here? Case aspects? " Mulder's voice interrupts my thoughts. I look at him without expression. What WERE we talking about? Oh I don't even know...It's almost 3:30 now. I sigh in exasperation. "Sleep," is all I can say and he looks at me, confused. "Huh? I don't...I uhhh, I thought we were discussing the Hampton mansion and how it's 'not' classified as haunted, as you'd like to think. See, my theory is-" "Five years," I interrupt. "What?" "Five years...five years...God has it really been that long?" I am thinking out loud and he has absolutely no clue what I am talking about. I can see it in his befuddled expression. "Wha-Scully, you ahh, you lost me here. What's been five years?" Opening my CD holder, I scoop up the Mariah Carey one carefully and turn it over in my palm. "There was Jack and then...nothing ...jesus that's pathetic..." "Scully?" "Mulder, what's happened to me?" More confusion. An arched eyebrow is shot my way. "I uh, I don't follow...Scully?" "Oh nevermind damn it, just nevermind." He doesn't understand and I don't blame him-neither do I. I begin to move about the room methodically. Pacing. Restless. My mind is reeling. I just can't take much more of this... "Uh, yeah," he replies cautiously. I don't think he's at all sure how to respond. Can't really blame him for that either. Or actually...maybe I can... He's pissing me off and now I want to be alone. "Um, getting uh, back to this, I was saying that I think the case is open to-" "Oh who the hell cares Mulder?" I groan, and move slowly from the couch to grab the brush I had left on the dining room table. I had left it there after my third attempt to wash the leftover Suave from my hair, and the result had been two hours of dripping wet, shampoo stained hair. Damn Mulder for interrupting my shower for this. Apparently baffled by my actions, he follows me to out of the room. "What's with you Scully? What-what did I say?" he asks, sounding for all the world like an injured child. He doesn't get it does he? I whirl around, trying desperately to hang on to my temper. I'm so damn tired... "What did you say?! What did you-" My voice is losing all of its stability I realize, and I don't think I care. I just want to yell right now...at him ...until my lungs hurt from the effort. "It's 3:30 in the morning Mulder! Do you know that? Does it bother you? Does it? Well you know what?! It bothers the hell out of me! I'm tired and I don't want to do this now. Do you care? Huh? Do you Mulder?! Do You?! Or do you only care about yourself? Christ!" I yank my brush off the table and run it through my hair in rage, wincing as I feel it rip through the delicate red strands. "Scully-I don't-" "No," I interrupt. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare tell me that you don't understand or that you don't get it because I know you do. You know exactly what I'm talking about! I-I don't mean just tonight. I don't mean right now. I mean all the time. Every day. Every goddamn day. I can't do it anymore Mulder. I can't. I'm not your rock and I'm not your punching bag! I can't follow you like this-killing myself the way I do. I can't. I just can't. "God!" I'm pacing back and forth in frustration now, running my brush through the same locks of hair. I feel as if every emotion I've been feeling is pouring out of me. Gushing out of my brain at rapid speed. So much so, I can't even control it anymore. I want to hit something. I want to kick something and I want that something to be him. "I do it all for you Mulder-do you understand that? And what is it I've gotten out of all of it huh? More unanswered questions? More of your borderline psychotic obsession? A desperate unending quest for what? What? A non-existent love life and non-existent friends? A basement office without even my own desk? It's pathetic and It's swallowing me Mulder, you know that? Slowly, very slowly. One of these days it really WILL kill me! Is that what you want?" His face contorts into a mask of guilt at my words. Oh god...the look on his face...I've hurt him-I can see it. I didn't mean to be so...NO. I-I did. He has to understand where I'm coming from, where I...But the look on his face... It hurts me as well. So much-oh god-he's in pain. I can see it. I can feel it. I know what he's thinking. He's thinking about my cancer, my sister, Emily, all of it. That it's his fault. I can see it in his eyes...I don't know what else to say. I look down in frustration and sadness... What's going on here? This isn't supposed to be happening... Oh god I'm losing control and I don't know how to get it back... *** I feel as if I've been slugged in the face. No-I feel as if I've been slugged in the face and kicked in the stomach. God, I don't think I've hurt this badly in a long while. I look at her with open raw emotion in my eyes. She sees it. I know she does. "You know that's not what I want Scully," is all I can say. There really is nothing else for me to say. I know she's hurting too. She wouldn't have said what she just did if she wasn't. I know that she'd never try to hurt me intentionally. Rather, she'd hide her own feelings, mask her own desires to keep me from hurting; protect me from myself, so to speak. I need to put a stop to that though. I can't let her live like this. I'm draining her. I can see it. She's trying to hide it again but I can see it. Her deep aqua eyes are full of pain and she averts them, staring at her feet dully. She regrets what she said-I know. I can see the guilt but I don't want her to feel guilty. God, she's right. "Look, I uhh...I'm just going to leave ok? I've obviously upset you and-" "No," she touches my arm as I turn to go. "No...Mulder. I didn't... I mean...I didn't mean..." Her voice trails off and I realize that for once, she is baring her soul to me. She's opening up and once again, I am walking away. I feel her soft grip upon my arm. "Mulder, I didn't mean that." God, such sincerity exists in her voice. She's lying though. I can tell. She meant every word of what she said and now she's clamming up again. Replacing the wall that began to crumble only moments ago. Lying. Damn it, she's lying... I turn to face her again. My own emotions are starting to bubble now. Its my turn... "What Scully? What didn't you mean? The part where you claimed that I don't care, or the part where you decided that every terrible thing that's ever happened to you was my fault?" I know my voice sounds angry but I can't help it. I feel like screaming and cursing and crushing the darkness. Our eyes are challenging each other now. I don't know where this will go. Come to think of it, I don't even know how it started. "I never blamed you for anything Mulder, How can you-" "Yes you did, damn it!" "No I didn't!" I'm angry now. I feel like hitting something and I can't hit her. I want to scream and make it all go away-my pain and her's but I don't know how. I don't know anything anymore. "Do you think that I don't carry that with me all the time, Scully? Do you think that I don't know? That I don't feel? God, I can't believe you would think..." I run my fingers through my hair, not knowing what to do with them. "Don't you dare claim to know what it is I'm feeling when you can't possibly know! You can't possibly know what it is to sit there and watch someone you...you care-deeply-about wither away to nothing. Thin out and disentigrate while they tell you all the while to leave them alone- to go away. 'I'm fine'. That's all you ever say. You wouldn't even talk to me! You still don't! What do think, that I'm psychic? That I'll just know? God Scully! I sat there watching you lying there. Dying when there's not a damn thing I could do to take the pain away. Do you think I relish that?! I know it was my fault Scully! Damn it I know! You think I don't?! All I want is to find out why! I want the truth for you more than anything!" I'm rambling now and I stop to watch her face, expressionless for a moment as I wonder what she's thinking. Tears begin to form at the corners of her eyes, but stubbornly, she blinks them away. I don't think Dana Scully likes for anyone to see her upset. "You son of a bitch!" she spits suddenly, "You selfish-" Clenching her fists, she slams past me back into the living room, not finishing her sentence. I don't respond, keeping silent as I watch her do something I've never seen her do. I watch her lose her temper. "I sat by helpless when my sister died! I watched death swallow the daughter I never raised the way it has swallowed everything else! I've sat there and watched you-withering away to nothing. Getting your ass kicked time and again while refusing my help! Ditching me!" She spits out the last of that phrase as if it were an obscenity, then gathers a deep breath and continues. I am speechess. I've never seen her like this. "So I'm just so sorry for you Mulder. You know I really am. I'm so sorry that you felt like shit because I was dying. And I'm sorry I couldn't be more sympathetic to your bruised ego but you know what?! I was the one who was abducted-who lost a child, who lied there on that bed with cancer, Mulder; with an inoperable tumor-Do you know what that means? What I thought it would mean? God, I was the one who woke up every day and had to deal with the fact that it could be my last. I was the one who had to go into work everyday feeling like it was somehow my fault. That I had failed you somehow and there was not a thing I could do. I knew you felt guilty-I knew. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn't even help myself-I thought I was going to die without ever having... I thought I was going to..." She sighs and draws a tired hand to her forehead. "But I never once blamed you Mulder. You decided to take care of that department all on your own. I never wanted you to but... I didn't know how to help you. I still don't. I couldn't make your pain go away-couldn't erase my own. I couldn't stop any of it. It's the most helpless, terrifying feeling in the world. I know you know how that feels..." Defeated and spent, she settles, almost crumpled on the couch as the tears cascade down her cheeks freely now. I feel sick all over. God-I never wanted her to cry and I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to stop the anguish-her suffering. I never did. It's where I've failed her. I'd rather die than see her cry. "Dana-" I reach a shaking hand out to her, but she doesn't want my touch. She shoves me away angrily and scoops her brush up from its resting spot. I watch the rageoverpowering her as she hurls her brush haphazardly across the room. It smacks into the wall with a sickening crash before dropping to the carpet. Now she's sobbing and wringing her tiny hands brokenly. I don't know what to do. "I'm sorry Dana-I'm just-please. Please tell me what to do. I didn't mean to hurt you-to see you hurt--I never did. All I've ever wanted was the truth. You know that. If I could give it all back to you-if I could make it all go away I would. I'd give my life..." She looks up though her tears. "I know that Mulder. I know..." *** (3/3) Trust only one... Nothing's true and nothing's right, so let me be alone tonight. You can't change the way I am. Are you strong enough to be my man? ---Sheryl Crow Sometimes I feel like he won't ever understand. I feel like I'm running around in circles and screaming-at the top of my lungs...inside. Outside I am always the picture of calm. I am always professional. Always reliable. The unbreakable Dana Katherine Scully. Yeah. Right. Well, I'm sorry but everyone has their breaking point and I've reached mine... "I wish I could give you back all you've lost," I hear him whispering. "I'd do anything to give it to you...Melissa...Emily..." His voice trails off and I think I've scared the hell out of him. I know I've scared the hell out of myself. "You can't Mulder." My words are shaky. My voice barely above a soft whisper. "I wish..." He touches my arm and this time I don't shrink away from his touch. "I wish I could give it back to both of us too. I wish I could reach out and give you the truth...give you...Samantha...I wish that I could make you smile once in awhile. Really smile... I wish that someday we won't have to search for the answers." My words feel sloppy and dis-jointed-almost silly. His cheeks are stained with the wetness of his own tears. God, when did Mulder start to cry? I reach out with my thumb and forefinger and brush them away as best as I can, caressing his cheek softly. It's slightly rough with stubble, almost coarse underneath my fingertips. All I want is to do is erase the hurt and this is the only way that I know how. Touching his cheek and showing him that I'm here; that I'm not going anywhere. Such an insignificant gesture, I think. It seems as if everything I do nowadays is insignificant, trite, and it's no wonder. I believe that he and I are only pawns in this quest that I fear will one day kill us both. "Please don't ever think for one minute Scully, that...that I don't care. I know that sometimes it seems as if...as if maybe...well just know that I would rather die than see you hurt," he tells me, trying to control his rolling emotions. We are both raw and bare. It is the first real truth I've seen in a long time. "I don't want heroics Mulder," I tell him, my voice rough from the onslaught of tears. "I don't want your life." He still doesn't get it. I think that this is the closest I've ever gotten to making him understand. "What is it that you want then?" I look at him painfully. Such a simple statement, so full of hurt and confusion. His hazel eyes are staring into mine. I want to tell him so badly. I want to make him see... "How about just holding my hand when I hurt? Treating me as someone you value and respect...not ditching me when you run off, thinking you've found the truth." I let my hand move up into his hair, running my fingers through his short dark strands. My eyes are filling with tears again. "I want to be there beside you when you find it," I finish. His hand covers mine before it reaches up to wipe away my tears, mirroring my own previous actions. This is my chance, I realize. I can tell him now. He'll understand. I can tell him what else I want, what else I need...but my mouth refuses to move. Why am I not saying anything? Why am I not moving? "I'm sorry," is all he says. And then over and over again as he continues to sob into my fingers. I realize with helplessness that I don't know what to do now. There isn't anything... "Mulder-" My words break and I think I know what I need-what he needs as well. Cautiously, I reach out to him, unsteady and unsure. Our faces are streaked with long overdue tears. I wrap my arms shakily around his neck and he looks to me as if he can read into me-as if my thoughts are not only mine, but his as well. He looks grateful. I feel his arms snake around my waist and he gathers me down from the couch, pulling me towards him fiercely. I think he's afraid I'll disappear-like the truth-like Samantha. I know the feeling all too well. Sobbing openly, I bury my head in the crook of his neck, a crumpled heap in his arms. I tighten my loose grip around his neck and feel ridiculously terrified that somehow he'll be taken from me-the way I feel that everything else has. I don't know what I'll do if that ever happens. I want to crawl inside of him-to be a part of him. I need him to hold me and for a very long time. I adjust my body so that he completely envelops me, so that his limbs are hopelessly entangled within my own, and for the first time in months I realize, I feel safe. I feel utterly safe. *** Epiloug: Ending with Mulder Whenever I'm weary from the battles that take place in my head, You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread. I lose my way but still you seem to understand. Now and forever, I will be your man ----Richard Marx, Now and Forever Scully's VCR clock is flashing 4:30 at me and it's actually becoming quite annoying, really. I mean, at first it was sort of soothing, but now... well let's just say that I don't really want to stare at the VCR anymore. Shifting my body slightly, I sigh into Scully's soft hair. She smells of strawberries. Ok, so I guess I really don't mind sitting here-although I know she'll probably wake up with a terrible kink in her neck. I guess that means I should move her to the bed soon. If I can ever get up, that is. I feel her heavy breathing against my chest. I know she fell asleep not too long ago-her arms falling limply from around my neck. They're pressed up against my chest now, and I don't really mind sitting up like this at all. Mostly because She feels safe. For once, Scully feels safe and I'm not going to take that away from her. I remove my arm from around her slender waist carefully and wave it in front of her face...No response. Not even so much as a flicker of an eyelash. "Scully," I whisper, "Hey-Scully...Scully?" She doesn't move a muscle. Doesn't make a sound. Yep-she's out cold. "Guess this means I'm free to say about anything right now huh?" Scully, of course, doesn't respond. She must have been really exhausted, I realize. Oh well. I'm glad she's finally getting some rest. A smile creases across my features. I wonder just how asleep she really is... "You know, I've been wanting to tell you for some time Scully, that... well," I add a phony half sniffle for effect, "I've been seeing a Reticulan woman for about 3 months now. She and I are going to move off to Reticulum to open an all night diner that serves only ham and eggs. She's having my baby-I meant to tell you sooner..." Still nothing. She's dead to the world so I guess it doesn't matter what I say. She won't hear me. Good. "Seriously though," I start out, my voice low and not above a whisper. After all, I don't want to wake her. "There are some things I need to tell you. I guess I'm a coward though-to do it while you're asleep because I know that you can't hear me. Figures doesn't it? I can face fluke worms and other horrible creatures but I can't face you." She shifts again. I rub the small of her back soothingly. My fingers trace the soft cotton fabric of her shirt. "You know I didn't mean what I said before-about being angry with you for not wanting to talk to me about your cancer. I didn't get it before, but I think I do now. Or at least in some form I do." I let out a small chuckle. "You must think that I'm one insensitive...sorry son of a bitch huh? I guess you could say that. Or at least that's how your brother put iit. Very articulate guy-yourbrother that is. But he was right you know. As much as I didn't want to admit-well he was right-not about everything-but right about that. let's just put it that way. He was right and I...I'm sorry. Sometimes I just don't know how to say that I guess... but well you know you're not miss apologetic yourself so..." She sighs again. Must be having a nice dream, I decide. She looks so peaceful...so...beautiful. Not that she isn't all the time, but this is a different kind of beauty. It's almost a transforming kind-almost... almost as if she becomes small and innocent, like a child. Perhaps for Scully, the problems of the day are wiped away with sleep. Oh, how I only wish it was always that simple-for myself and for her. Why can't everything be that simple? "You know I used to watch you all the time when you slept. When you were sick." A lazy lock of hair falls into her eyes and I brush it away, tenderly. "I used to sit by your bed-whether it was in a hospital or when you were at home...Not all the time, no, just... when I was here. See, I was worried that if I left... Well I was just afraid that something would happen to you, that's all. I know how irrational that must sound but...well you know how irrational I can be sometimes." I smile faintly. She can't see it. I continue. "It must have been hard to comprehend-for you more than me, and I don't know how you did it Scully. I don't know how you carried on. How you...you found the strength. You found it when I couldn't, you know. I wanted to give it back to you and give you mine but I didn't know how. I just...I just didn't understand, you know? I still don't." I trace the outlines of her face slowly, gently. I don't want to wake her. "It's so callous, Scully. The cancer- that is. You must know that though. You must know that better than anyone." I sigh. "I didn't understand the carelessness. The haphazardness of it all. I-I couldn't watch it...transform you... Turn something so alive, so vibrant, so...beautiful, into a shadow. It was taking you away from me-feeding on your strength. I Couldn't handle that Scully. I needed that strength and I needed you. Call me selfish I guess but that scared me. I know it must have terrified you too. God I-I'm sorry I wasn't more sympathetic about that. I should have been. It's just that sometimes the truth can be so consuming...so...well, I just wanted to help you. I wanted to be out there trying to figure out who's ass to kick so to speak." I smile halfheartedly into her expression, running my fingers over a lock of copper hair. "I needed answers, and I still do Scully. I had to search for them. I had to believe that the truth was out there somewhere, if I was ever going to survive without...you, then...well, It's was all I knew how to do. I'm not good with the mushy stuff...you know? Doesn't come easy for me." I move my fingers down to trace the skin of her small hands, her arms. "I should've told you then Scully but I'm just not real good with words either-especially those concerning my feelings. I'm much better at guarding them than at expressing them I guess. It's so just much easier saying 'I'll be back soon' than saying 'I love you Scully' so-" "You do?" I snap from my reverie in surprise. I could not have heard what I think I just have. Oh god, tell me I did not just hear Scully's voice. She's not supposed to be awake! She wasn't a second ago, unless...oh no. I look down at her suspiciously and her eyes shy away-full of guilt. Oh god-she heard all of it. I raise a suspicious eyebrow and open my mouth. "You know Scully," I start, playfully scolding, "it's not polite to pretend to be asleep when you're really not." "Uh huh..." she replies evenly, "Well then I could say that it's not polite to have an entire conversation with someone you think is asleep, Mulder." Her voice is soft, almost musical. "Ok, so maybe you're right," I acknowledge, smiling. "But what about you? Miss innocence over there with your phony sleep-" "Oh be quiet Mulder," She's smiling and her face is inches from mine. My heart picks up speed. "-about what you said...Did you...Did you mean it?" she asks, a note of shyness creeping into her voice. I look at her with mock innocence. "What? What did I say?" "Oh for goddsakes Mulder, you know what you said. I know what you said. What? Is it so hard to say it again?" She looks slightly exasperated. "Say what?" I respond, with a tiny smile. I like teasing her like this... Her voice becomes almost a meek whisper. "You-you know..." she stutters softly, "'I love you' " A grin breaks out over my face. I can't control it. "Oh Scully!," I gasp in fake surprise, "You Love me?! Oh my god this is amazing!" She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "You really are an infuriating human being Fox Mulder..." She shoves at me in frustration, pushing me away while blowing air through thinned lips, as my grin broadens. Nope Dana, you don't get away that easily I decide, refusing to relinquish my hold on her. Instead, I tighten my grip, pulling her close, as my breath mingles with her's. "Seriously though Scully...Dana--I-I'd have to say yeah on that one. Yeah I meant it. You know I did." "So then I'm not imagining this whole scenario?" "Nope." She smiles now, looking down, as I capture her chin between my fingers. I bring her face up so that I can see into her eyes. I know what I see there now. For the life of me, I don't know how I didn't see it earlier. "So who's this alien woman Mulder? And what's this about a Reticulan diner?" She starts to chuckle, her eyes sparkling. My brow furrows in confusion for a moment. Huh? Alien woman? What is she-wait a minute! She heard the whole thing...What a rotten thing to do. Alright, so it wasn't like she was eavesdropping on some illicit conversation, but I mean, still. It's the principal of the idea. "Oh you're gonna get it now Special Agent Scully!" She gasps in amusement and I tackle her to the floor, my fingers grasping and proding at her ribs until she is crying between giggles for me to stop. I can't believe any of it. Dana Scully is actually giggling. And to think, I always thought I'd have had a better chance of seeing a snowball in hell. "Say 'Uncle' Scully," I call jokingly. We both collapse in laughter. I haven't seen her laugh in a too long a while-much too long a while. And never like this. I guess it's been way too long-for both of us. "Just don't make me eat ham and eggs Mulder!" she gasps through her laughter. "I don't think I could take it!" She's under me now and I roll slightly sideways, so as not to crush her, my hands hitting the floor on either side of her head. I am grinning like an idiot but I don't care. "Who ever said you couldn't make me smile Scully?" I whisper into her ear, my breathing hot against her neck. "You know you're the only one who can." She grins back and wraps her arms securely around my neck. Her eyes sparkle mischievously-the most spectacular shade of blue I've ever seen. "Good, I'm glad," she replies, sounding mildly distracted. "Now shut up and come here 'Special Agent' Mulder." She lowers my face towards her's slowly...ever so tenderly. Her breath touches my cheek and fire ignites between us as our lips meet. Gently, I pull her up to me, wrapping one arm about her waist and another behind her head as she tightens her grip. I bury my fingers securely in her sweet strawberry hair. Her mouth moves slowly with mine as we become tangled in each other. I know now that there is nothing that can destroy this. There is nothing else that I need. I smile into her and we kiss again... and again... For once, I have found the truth. There is nothing sweeter... The End!! Yeah!! (That is...until the follow up--which by the way, has already been started. There's still a long way to go for these 2... so if you want it...then let me know. Positive feedback will get you more!!) But everytime I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say, And you just walk away. And I forgot to tell you I love you. The night's too long and cold here without you. I grieve in my condition, For I cannot find the words to say, I need you so... ----Sarah McLahlan, I love You The end :D I hope you enjoyed it! Finis. Any comments? I welcome them all (:D