It's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it.

What's in a name? Letters.

The problem with reality is the lack of background music.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Gravity. It's not just a good idea, it's the law!

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Common Sense Isn't.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Beware of statistics--the average American has one testicle and one breast

If you think that something small cannot make a difference - try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.

Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

I have plenty of common sense, I just don't like to listen to it.

Honey is just bee vomit.

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

Fishing is the art of casting, trolling, or spinning, while freezing, sweating, swatting, or swearing.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A bird in the bush can't relieve itself in your hand.

Volcano - a mountain with hiccups.

Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Smile! It makes the world wonder what you're up to!

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

April Fools Day - This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other 364.

You'd be paranoid too if they were all out to get you.

If at first you don't suceed, bribe someone else to do it for you.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed, and instead of dying, he sings.

Stab wounds don't kill people, internal hemmorhaging as a result of stab wounds kill people.

Don't rush me, I'm making mistakes as fast as I can.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.

I just want to know how people with multiple personalities fill out their census papers.

Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.

No sir, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

Any simple problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

You're never alone with schizophrenia.

The world is coming to an end. Please return your library books.

82.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Cat bathing is a martial art.

Trying to understand modern art is like trying to follow the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup.

I love people who talk behind my back because obviously, I'm the center of their lives.

Never judge a book by its movie.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

I'm only visiting this planet.

I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

If at first you don't succeed... GIVE UP.

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

The nice thing about modern music is that if the musicians make a mistake it doesn't make any difference.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

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