You must have misunderstood your question. -Dogbert

We cannot offer you a position at this time, but you are obviously qualified. Unfortunately, the other six billion people on Earth are more qualified. -Dogbert

Susie: Did you see we have a substitute teacher today?
Calvin: Oh, no! That can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! They're trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our textbooks, telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack!
Susie: I think one of us has been eating too much paste in class.
Calvin: I'm too smart for 'em though! I don't read my assignments!

Calvin's dad: Your problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white.
Calvin: SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!

You can present me with the material, but you can't make me care. -Calvin

Dilbert: Why do you want to work for this company?
Brian: Well, to be honest, I don't. I'm using this as a practice interview.

I'd mock you but the challenge is gone. -Dogbert

The moral of the story is that you don't have to feel bad just because you're totally worthless. -Dilbert

When the economy is slow, all the best jobs are taken by people with great hair. -Scott Adams

I would be an excellent fake psychologist. -Scott Adams

Economic Theory of the Nineties
Anything that makes employees unhappy makes the stock price go up. -Scott Adams

The Technology Prima Donna's Golden Rule
Anyone who asks a question is a moron.
The people who don't ask questions are morons too. -Scott Adams

I've had a wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception. -Groucho Marx

It's amazing how many people see you on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away -Bob Hope

One humiliating thing about science is that it is filling our homes with appliances smarter than we are. -Woody Allen

I haven't spoken to my wife in years - I didn't want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield

According to a recent study, the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day; the average man only speaks 2,000 words a day. And with guys, it’s usually the same words over and over again: 'I’m sorry. What did you say, honey?' -Jay Leno

Anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot; anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac -George Carlin

I read a thing that actually speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person, I found that amazing. Number two was death, number two. That means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy, thats what that means. -Jerry Seinfeld

When people get mad for no reason, you will be branded "insensitive." -Scott Adams

Now (brainstorming) refers to a process where you take a group of people who have bad ideas and make them sit in the same room. Consultants have discovered that when you take people with bad ideas and clump them together, you get - and this is the amazing part - a large clump of bad ideas. Some of these ideas are much worse than others. If you sit in a brainstorming session long enough, the least putrid ideas start to sound quite brilliant. -Scott Adams

A Turing test is what you use to determine if a computer can display intelligence that is indistinguishable from human intelligence. No computer has passed the test yet. But that's only because no one has written a program to make a computer complain about its job all day. -Scott Adams

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. -Scott Adams

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. -Mark Russell

Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're diabetic, in which case insulin will be much more effective. -Norm MacDonald

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. -Ashleigh Brilliant

Please dont lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I’ll never find out the truth. -Ashleigh Brilliant

If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -Ashleigh Brilliant

Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. -Ashleigh Brilliant

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. -Ashleigh Brilliant

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. -Ashleigh Brilliant

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know that battery is dead? -Stephen Wright

What's another word for "Thesaurus?" -Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -Steven Wright

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? -Stephen Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? -Stephen Wright

When I water my plants, I like to tease them. I water them with ice cubes. -Stephen Wright

I bought a box of powdered water, but I don't know what to add. -Stephen Wright

I was in a forest, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it... -Stephen Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put 'em in the same room and let 'em fight it out. -Stephen Wright

How come the alphabet is in that order? Is it cause of that song? -Stephen Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, and then turn the shower on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit... -Stephen Wright

I talk to myself a lot. Some people don't like it, though, because I use a megaphone. -Stephen Wright

I got kicked out of the theater for bringing my own food in. Those concession stand prices are outrageous... besides, I haven't had a barbecue in a long time. -Stephen Wright

I lost one of my socks, and I couldn't find it anywhere, so I called information. I said "I can't find one of my socks." and the lady said "Look behind the sofa." and sure enough, there it was. -Stephen Wright

Pain is a part of the growing experience... so go slam your head into the wall and mature a little. -Stephen Wright

All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss. -Douglas Adams

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. -Douglas Adams

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -Douglas Adams

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -Douglas Adams

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