The credits given on this page are hopeless, due partly to laziness, partly not knowing where all of them come from. There are quotes from M*A*S*H, from Friends, from books by Arthur Golden, L. M. Montgomery and John Marsden, from cartoons (especially WB ones and The Simpsons), and others.

Love your neighbour or I'll PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT! -Mulcahy

OK, I know this is going to sound really stupid...but I feel that if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do. -Rachel

Where's Bart? His food's getting all cold and eaten. -Homer

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and others are destined to work with rats. -Hawkeye

Why all this cleaning? ARE WE SO VAIN? -Homer

Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my golf clubs? Stop. Spending my insurance money? Stop! -Hawkeye

Now we play the Waiting Game! *pause* Ahh, Waiting Game sucks! Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos! -Homer

Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it. -Henry Blake

Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon. -Chandler

This is not out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue. -Chandler

Don't wanna be afraid to be wrong. -Bachelor Girl

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

I'm like one of those old women with shiny guys named Chad. -Monica

I really thought I'd just hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me. -Rachel

Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software. -"Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's"

Dear Billy, don't take your love for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate causes wars and war is what killed your brother. -Hawkeye

And good to see Philby doing the weather broadcast out in the streets of Sydney, instead of here in the studio revolting us. -Narelle

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. -Animaniacs

They say that absence makes the heart grow fungus. -BNL

Deep down inside I realised there was a part of me that would always be alone: that from birth to death, and beyond, everyone had something that was theirs and theirs alone. It was scary to realise that I had this solitary little part of me, but I think it was something to do with growing up too: the knowledge that OK, I was part of a family, part of a network of friends, but that was not the whole story. I did exist independently of the people who loved me and surrounded me. It was a lonely thought, but not necessarily a bad one. -"Ellie", Darkness, Be My Friend

There are no stupid questions, only stupid people. -Mr Garrison

No self-respecting alien would do its hair like that. -Sunny

Because when I look around, I think this, this is good enough, and I try to laugh at whatever life brings. Because when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff. When I look up, I just trip over things -Ani Difranco

Heroes often fail.

He was about as tactful as an avalanche... -Plass

"...ranting communications from members of obscure sects who, having read and disapproved of one of my books, wanted to point out that I would spend an eternity of misery with Satan unless I spent a lifetime of misery with them." -Plass

I guess I know where I stand. Outside the door... -Cici

I don't think they're after an Iced Vovo and a cup of tea. -comment on "L'il Elvis Jones" about some large killer robots charging at them

You're awfully smug for someone who's working at a folding table! -Dick Solomon

Decaf, thanks. I've reached my maximum heartrate for today.

When we have a couple of seconds spare, I'll show you why we don't trap spiders under the coffee cups and leave them there! -Gunther

Now, I don’t want you to worry class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any. -Mrs Krababble

You’re everywhere, you’re omnivorous. -Homer (to God)

Oh well, I'm sure you'll settle it like children. -Winchester

Spinach is the broom of the stomach. - Bart Simpson's Guide to Life

No, this is NOT the suicide hotline! Geez, what's the matter with you, can't you even dial a phone properly?! -Becker

Wrinkles merely indicate where the smiles have been. -'Following the Equator'

The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end. -Blessed Union of Souls

Do one thing every day that scares you. -Baz Luhrman

When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together ... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion. -Basil Fawlty

If somebody hassles you about eating too much, or eating between meals, strike them repeatedly with this book. -Kaz Cooke

You're just an empty cage, girl, if you kill the bird. -Tori Amos

We don’t become geisha so our lives will be satisfying. We become geisha because we have no other choice. -Mameha

"Dear Father, my letter did not make a good impression on Great-Aunt Nancy. She did not answer it but she wrote Aunt Elizabeth that I must be a very stupid child to write such a stupid letter. I feel insulted because I am not stupid. Perry says he feels like going to Priest Pond and knocking the daylights out of Great-Aunt Nancy. I told him he must not talk like that about my family, and anyhow I don't see how knocking the daylights out of Great-Aunt Nancy would make her change her opinion about me being stupid. (I wonder what daylights are and how you knock them out of people.)" -excerpt of letter from Emily to her father

Young girls hope all sorts of foolish things, Sayuri. Hopes are like hair ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women they look silly wearing even one. -Mameha

Two men are equals - true equals - only when they both have equal confidence. -Yamamoto

Well, Minister, this certainly has been a wonderful evening! Next time we’ll have even more fun, because instead of throwing up on just me, you might be able to throw up on the Chairman, and perhaps another geisha or two as well! -Nobu

You'd never catch a cat fetching a stick! I'd be like, 'No! Fetch it yourself! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?! -The Cat

You know what I like about you, Plotz? Absolutely nothing! -Yakko

You can't argue with that. It's too stupid. -Dot Warner

That's it, rub your head, that will make time go backwards. -Joey

A social concience is like a garden shed. You try to eat it, it'll stick in your throat. -Mike

You can tell it’s an old movie because when the man kisses the woman they both keep their clothes on. -‘Creep Street’

You know how you blow bubbles and they’re all pretty and beautiful and rainbows in them and all kind of stuff like that? And then they burst and there’s an oily slick lying limply on the ground? That’s the way life is sometimes... -‘The Great Gatenby’

Hello 911 Emergency? There's a handsome guy in my house! Oh, heh, wait a second. Cancel that. It's only me. -Johnny Bravo

Why the hell do you think I'm a bad type of guy from my acting? I’m really a nice guy... Now f*ck off. -Kevin Bacon

Patty: There are some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those, 'weekdays'.

Bart: Rod! Todd! This is God!
Todd: How did you get on the radio?
Bart: Whaddya mean how did I get on the radio? I created the universe! Stupid kids.

Aunt Laura: It was one of your mother's aprons when she was a little girl, Emily.
Emily: Then I don't wonder she ran away with Father when she grew up.
Aunt Elizabeth: Put on your sunbonnet.
Emily: Oh, please, Aunt Elizabeth, don't make me wear that horrid thing.
(Aunt Elizabeth forcibly puts the bonnet on her)
Emily: Anyway, Aunt Elizabeth, you can't boss God.

Roz: You're gonna pester me 'til I die, aren't you?
Christine: Yes!
Roz: Good. So when I kill you, it'll be self-defense.

Harry: Today's Dan's birthday, so why don't we throw him a surprise party?
Bull: Because we all hate him.
Florence: Why don't we all chip in and give him a serious wound?

Bull: You look depressed.
Dan: What the hell do you care?
Bull: Actually I don't. I was just making conversation.

Monica: Um, you guys? Remember when I said before, "Thank you, but I really don't need your help?"
Rachel: Actually, what I think you said was, "Don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."

Joey: I may only have a couple of drinks in me, but I love you man!
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

Monica: Oh, shut up! The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahhh... so how many cameras are actually on you?

Rachel (eating cookie): These are incredible! How come I've never had these before?
Phoebe: Oh I don't make them very often. It isn't fair to the other cookies.

Space Ghost: Watch your mouth, Zorak!
Zorak: I can't. It's too underneathy.

*the Friends read a manuscript with bad typos*
Rachel: Oh, and on page 2, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts.'
Monica: What's a 'niffle?'
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.

Frank: I'm a pretty fair doctor myself. Ask any of my patients!
Hawkeye: We can't dig people up just for that.

Potter: Making yourself at home, Flagg?
Flagg: I have no home. I'm the wind.
Hawkeye to BJ: I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars!
BJ: No, I said he was the moon!

Ross: See, your problem is, you don't have a backhand!
Chandler: Hey, I have a mean backhand!
Ross: Shielding your face and shrinking like a girl is *not* a backhand!
Chandler: Hey... I shrank like a... marine!

Joey: Prepare to feel really bad about yourself!
Chandler: Hey, I've been preparing for that my whole life!... or something about you that's mean!

*A comet collision is imminent*
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man...
Lovejoy (running past): It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! Aaaaaaah!
Chandler (holding phone): Can I borrow your phone?
Monica: Okay, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone!

Liz: We don't always look like this!
Tom: Only on Thursdays.

Tom: And speaking of wars: haven't any of you heard that an army marches on its stomach?
Richelle: Who marches on their stomach? Except a centipede?

Hawkeye: How 'bout a kiss for the road?
Hoolihan: Don't be ridiculous!
Hawkeye: Okay, then how about one for me?

Klinger: I'll have you know, there's a perfectly good reason why your requisition forms didn't reach Colonel Potter!
Hoolihan: Oh? Why's that?
Klinger (proudly): I lost 'em!

Cop 1: Look at her, she's probably completely wasted on ecstasy.
Cop 2: If that girl's on ecstasy, she should ask for her money back.

Mr Burns: And make yourselves at home.
Bart: Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself!

Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: Alright. (to the gun) You're fired. (to Potter) I did it as gently as I could.

"But this ship can't sink!"
"She's made of iron. I assure you, she can."
-Titanic

Max: But my teacher says real beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Nobu: I have food enough to eat, just no time for eating it.
Sayuri: I’m glad at least that you are keeping busy.
Nobu: That’s the most peculiar thing I’ve ever heard. When you see a man who has kept himself alive by dodging bullets, do you feel glad for him that he has something to occupy his time?

Back to quotes page