Author's Note:
I wrote this for an ongoing series of "World’s Worst Fan-Fics" that was prominent in the Transformers newsgroups. See what happens when Tokyo's favorite insurance write-off meets the Decepticons' lumbering dino-base...
(Movie titles show a raging sea.)
(The Nevada desert. Bumblebee putters up to a construction site and transforms in front of a hard-helmeted worker.)
Bumblebee: (in the badly dubbed voice of Clint Eastwood) Hey, Spikey-boy, what in tarnation’s going on here?
Spike: We’re building a Car Wash of Doom! Want free coupons?
Bumblebee: You must not build on this site! It is the sacred dumping ground of the Autobots!
(The workers knock over a stall and Grimlock scampers away, pulling up his pants.)
Spike: No-one shall stop the progress of humans! No-one!
Bumblebee: You talkin’ to me, punk?
(Workers begin to scream and holler.)
Worker 1: We dug up something!!
Worker 2: What camera am I supposed to be looking at?!
Spike: Look!
(The workers move aside and we see that they’ve uncovered a buried bridge.)
Spike: Wow, I didn’t know that ants were that advanced!
Beast Wars Inferno: Hiya!
Bumblebee: Curses upon your Geraniums, insolent humans! Flee! Flee!
(The workers ignore him as the bridge lights up. Suddenly, a giant robot dinosaur appears.)
Bumblebee: It is Trypticon! The Decepticon scourge!
Scourge: Hiya!
(Trypticon takes one look at Spike and flattens him. The workers scream.)
Bumblebee: Oh, well. I told you so.
(Trypticon stomps off across the desert.)
(Autobot Headquarters)
Optimus Prime: Wheeljack, where’s my hot cocoa, damn you?!
Wheeljack: (giggles)
(Bumblebee appears.)
Bumblebee: Optimus Prime! The humans have uncovered the space bridge and now Trypticon is heading for Las Vegas!
Optimus Prime: Egads! This could topple the US’s world share of lounge singers!
Blur: What dost thou suggest we doeth, Optimus?
Perceptor: We’reallgonnadieWe’reallgonnadie!!!
Optimus Prime: (turns on Teletran 1) We watch. (The Autobots leap to the ground and form his armchair.)
Kremzeek: Kremzeek!
(Las Vegas)
(Trypticon steps on motels and brothels.)
Fleeing Japanese #92: Look!
(Trypticon knocks over a water fountain. A geyser of water erupts from the sidewalk and spews out...Godzilla!)
(Godzilla looks around, shrieks.)
Fleeing Japanese #42: Godzilla was hiding in the Las Vegas water supply!
(Godzilla makes a beeline for Trypticon and gets clotheslined. Godzilla s hrieks.)
(Trypticon roars and tries to kick Godzilla. He is unsuccessful, due to few points of articulation.)
(Godzilla’s lower rubber jaw flaps in the breeze as he shrieks and unleashes a blast of atomic breath.)
(Trypticon roars and grinds forward. The two monsters become engaged in a face-slappin’ cat-fight.)
(Autobot Headquarters)
Bumblebee: Oh, nelly! Godzilla is not getting the upper hand! Ouch, now, he just did.
Beachcomber: (staring hypnotically at the screen) When is this Godzilla marathon over?
Optimus Prime: If Trypticon wins, the consequences will be...UNKNOWN!
(Suddenly, two tiny pixies appear. They both look like Wheelie.)
Pixies:
Godzilla’s in trouble you know,
Perhaps you should call G. I. Joe!
Optimus Prime: No, they don’t exist in the cartoon universe. We would have met them by now.
Pixies:
Then let us sing a song of glee,
and call in help for Gozill-ey!
(The Pixies’ Song)
Oh, Metroplex-ra,
We harken your big, fat face.
Godzilla needs an enema,
To flush that robot ace.
Oh, Metroplex-ra,
We belch upon your grace!
(Metroplex awakes on Monster Island, transforms and wades across the Pacific into Las Vegas. He lumbers forth and kicks Trypticon in the head.)
Godzilla: (to everyone’s surprise, turns to Metroplex and garbles...) Hey, Metroplex! I don’t need your help!
Metroplex: Right!
Godzilla: Buzz off!
Metroplex: If I don’t help you, those annoying pixies will prance around and chatter to me all night.
Godzilla: Oh.
(The two monsters gang up on Trypticon. Godzilla stands on Metroplex’s shoulders and body slams Trypticon. Godzilla shrieks uncontrollably as he hops up and down on the fallen Decepticon. Trypticon’s legs move back and forth until his batteries run out. Godzilla cannonballs into Lake Superior and awaits a sequel. Metroplex stands around indefinitely, waiting for his cue.)
Bumblebee: (Clint Eastwood voice-over narration) In man’s ever-going quest to build mini-marts and car washes, he never knows what he may unleash. It could be a Godzilla. Or, it could be lots and lots of mud. Regardless, it would be really nice if you didn’t litter.
(Epilogue!)
Ironhide: Well, Prahm, where d’ya thank Trypticon came fram in tha farst place?
Optimus Prime: The next shocking clip will tell you.
(Eons ago, on the Beast Wars planet!)
Rattrap: Boy, that is one big stasis pod!
Silverbolt: Where for art thou, Blackarachnia?
(The stasis pod scans for life-forms and focuses in on an animal that looks like...Godzilla! The protoform robot begins to change...)
THE END?!!!
(We hope so!)