Pun Jokes - Collection #1  
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1.  Freddie the Frog

Freddie the Frog walks into a bank to get a loan.  He gets in and looks  around for the loan officer's desk.  Finally, he spots the sign on a desk "P. Wack  Personal Loans".  Deciding that this is the person he wants to see, he hops over and gets into the chair.
She sees him, and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Patty, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I would like a $12,000 loan so that I can fix up my pad" replies the Freddie.

Patty replies "Well, let's see what we can do for you.  We will need to fill out this loan application, and then we'll see." So, they fill out the question concerning name, address, credit references, and the like.  Finally, they get to the point where they have to identify collateral. "Well, Mr. Frog, what do you have for collateral?"

"Collateral, what in the world is collateral?" asks the Freddie...after all he is a frog, and what do frogs know about collateral?.
"You see, collateral is something that you have of value which the bank can take possession of just in case you cannot repay  the loan we gave you" Patty replied.

"Can I have a day to think about this Miss Wack?" the Freddie says.

"Why of course, just come back in tomorrow, and we will finish the application then."

So, the next day, Freddie comes hopping back in, and goes back to Patty's desk. "OK Patty, I'm ready to finish the application now!" he announces.
"Good" says Patty.  "What have you decided to declare as collateral for the loan?"

"Well, I thought long and hard about this, and I decided on this" and he produces from his pocket a small glass elephant that his grandmother had given him, and places it on Patty's desk.

Patty, understandably surprised had to stifle a laugh.  "This is very nice Mr. Frog, ummmm...just a moment, I need to talk to the manager about this."  She gets up from her desk, and takes the elephant with her.  Walking into the manager's office, she closes the door, and bursts out in laughter.

"Well Miss Wack, something must be very funny to make you laugh so hard."

Wiping tears from her eyes she told him what happened.  "A frog walked into the bank and wants a $12,000 loan.  For collateral  he wants to use this little glass elephant!"

The manager, with a serious tone says, "Well Miss Wack, let me see the elephant", and she hands it to him.  He examines it,  turns it around a few times and looks at her and says "Give the frog the money."

Patty stops laughing, her eyes wide with astonishment.  "Why on earth should we give him the money?"

"Don't you know what this is Miss Wack?" he says.

"Well, ummm..no, I guess not" Patty replies.

"It's a nick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."


2. The Trids

There is a tribe in Africa called the Trids.  They live in an isolated valley, and every year when the rains come, their village gets flooded out.  So one year the chief decides that enough is enough, and plans to move the tribe to higher ground.  The problem is that for generations they have been practically imprisoned in this by a very large monster.  Occasionally one scout can get by him, but usually the monster just kicks him back down the hill.

The chief chose his best scout to try to find a route for the people to take to avoid the monster. The scout began his ascent up the hill, but before long the  jumped out and booted him down the hill with a mighty roar.

The chief figured that maybe several men could confuse the beast and either kill it, or draw it away long enough to begin allowing people to pass.  But sure enough, the monster would jump out from behind the bushes and kick the Trid scouts right  back down into the village. The chief was getting very frustrated with this, and decided to let the witch doctor have a try at calling evil spirits to dispose of the monster.

In order for the spirits to know what to attack, the witch doctor must be able to see the monster so he can point it out to the spirits.  So, up the hill the witch doctor and his apprentice went.  The apprentice ran around a bit to draw the attention of the monster away from the witch doctor.  But before the witch doctor could finish his incantation, the monster had kicked both him and his apprentice back down the hill.

By this time the chief was really depressed.  His best scouts and warriors could not defeat the monster, and even his witch doctor had failed in the task.  One day a rabbi happened to be traveling through the region, and he entered the village.  He asked the chief why he, and all of his people were so downcast.  The chief told him about the terrible monster that would roar fiercely and kick them all down the hill every time they tried to pass.  With the rainy season coming, he wanted to move the tribe before the floods began.

The rabbi figured that this was all just superstition, so he made up a story to give the people courage.  He said to the chief "I have dealt with this type of beast before, and I have special powers over them.  I will go up the hill to meet him, and when he tries to kick me, God in heaven will smite him down.  And  then you will be rid of this beast forever."

The chief was duly impressed, and told the rabbi to go and deal with the beast.  The chief offered the rabbi his best scouts to help him find the monster.  The rabbi responded "No, the Lord will lead me to him, and I must do this alone."  So, up the hill the rabbi climbed...alone.  The rabbi figured that he would lie down, make a few roaring noises, and then hike down the mountain, declaring the village rid of its menace.

Suddenly from out behind the bushes popped the beast.  And then a scout who had secretly followed him ran to distract him away from the rabbi.  The rabbi knew his bluff had been called, and decided to stay with his story, thinking that God would save him after all.  He jumped directly in front of the monster and said "Go ahead monster, kick me."

The monster looked at him a bit puzzled and then said to the rabbi "I can't kick you."

The rabbi was astonished.  "Why can't you kick me?" he replied.

The monster growled back to the holy man "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."


3. The King and the Thrones

There was a tribe in the jungles of Brazil which was a very  superstitious people.  They had gods for everything, and were always very careful not to offend them.  One of the gods declared to the priest of the tribe that a gift is a part of  the soul of the giver, and if you ever throw away a gift, the gods will frown upon you because you have shown great disrespect for your fellow tribesman.

As you could guess, this presented serious storage problems for the people in the tribe.  This was especially true for the chief of the tribe.  People were always giving him presents, hoping to gain his, and the gods' favor.

Soon the chief had to add a second story onto his grass hut to store things. The attic of the chief's hut was used to store the most precious gift he would receive each year...a new throne, lovingly made by all of the villagers.

Of course, he couldn't refuse nor throw away this gift because it would be the ultimate act of disrespect to his tribes people.  So, year after year he placed the previous year's throne in the attic.  And year by  year the rafters would sag just a little bit more.

One year, when the king was entertaining some of the more important members of the tribe the roof could no longer take the strain and collapsed.  Everybody inside the hut was killed instantly.

What is the moral of the story?  "He who lives in grass houses should not stow thrones."


4. The Butcher's Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Alice Springs so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.
He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher's Dance".
The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher's Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher's Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher's Dance?"
"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher's Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher's Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher's Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher's Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days till you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creak flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day till you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days till reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here
 you see Butcher's Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take it's toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from
 completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher's Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher's Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance."
"Not till' next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher's Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher's Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated. But he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.
However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.  "The Butcher's Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher's Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid.
As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"
"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming court up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing:
"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and shake it all about"


5. The Gnu Rancher

A rich rancher goes to visit the zoo, and is fascinated by the gnu display.  He strikes up a conversation with one of the caretakers.  The caretaker says that the current gnu they have is spending too much time in the gnu house sleeping because he is getting too old.  He goes on to tell the rancher that they will be having him destroyed so that they can use the space for a pair of younger gnus.

The rancher says "Whoah, don't destroy him, I wouldn't mind having a gnu for a pet!"

After checking with the zoo director, the keeper gives the gnu to the rancher. The rancher gets the gnu to his ranch, and thinks it is pretty neat to have one.

Soon though, the rancher tires of just watching the gnu munch grass and decides to try to train him.

So he first tries to get him to sit up...the animal just won't do it.  Next he tries fetch...the old gnu just stares at him.

Next it was lie down...the gnu just stands there chewing his cud.

Disgusted, the rancher goes back to the zoo and finds the keeper.

"I want to give you guys back your gnu, he is the stupidest animal I've ever seen.  He won't sit, lie down, or anything."

The caretaker looks at the rancher and says "We can't take him back now, he is your responsibility. Besides, I could have told you that you can't teach an old gnu dog tricks!"


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