Pun Jokes - Collection #2  
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1.  A Hard Day's Knight

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the Holy Grail.

He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?"

King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!"

So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?"

The Armourer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanised iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres"

Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?"

The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you"

So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step.

Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow"

Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer. The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or...."

Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow"

The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent Saint Bernard dog which has recently been reprocessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?"

Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity, clank.

He reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others have gone that way" (Pointing to the East)

So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was so heavy that the road (Just a mud track, really) started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started. Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail,inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "have you a room?"

And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers"

In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said.... .

"You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"


2.  A Man and His Dog

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town.  He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog.  He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day.  Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.  The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it.  When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work.  He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully.  He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.  Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.  To his surprise, he didn't feel it.  He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench.  He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench.  Reality set in.  Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow.  When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was.  While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done.  If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped.  The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step.  A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever.  But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.  When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.

Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow.  What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held.  It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.  As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy!  It was the wrench!  The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!  The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.  One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history.

The old man never did get the credit he deserved.  But now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which began:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."


3.  A Dog Walks Into A Bar...

A dog walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar. "Give me a beer bartender" he says.

The bartender kind of laughs and says to the dog "We don't serve dogs at this bar."

The dog is incensed and begins arguing with the bartender. Having heard enough, the bartender says to the dog "You had better leave, or else I will shoot you", and then the bartender pulls a pistol out from behind the bar.

The dog is on a roll so he keeps on arguing.  "You mean to tell me that you won't serve me a drink just because I am a dog...even though I can pay for it?"

The bartender says "Well, you heard me.  We don't serve your kind here!", and then shoots the dog in the foot.

This send the dog into a yapping frenzy, and the patrons of the bar begin to laugh uncontrollably.  The dog makes a run for the door, but as he gets to the door, he turns around and says "You'll see, I'll get revenge", turns to the bartender and says "You had better watch out, I'll be back."

Two weeks pass, and pretty much everybody has forgotten about what had happened.  Suddenly, the doors burst open, and in saunters the dog, limping with his foot all bandaged up.  All conversation in the bar stops, and all eyes are on the dog.  He walks in, looking from left to right, trying to spot the bartender.

Stopping in the middle of the bar, he loudly proclaims "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"


4.  Valentine's Day

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special...

So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."


5. The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside."

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him,  "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ......You left your Injun runnin"!!!"


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