There once was a cowboy named Roy. Now Roy and his wife Fanny Mae moved to the old west from the territory of Tennessee. One day Roy looked down at his scuffed up trail-torn cowboy boots and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm 'a-goin' into town ta' by me some new boots".
And so it was that he hopped onto his faithful horse Trigger and rode into town to buy himself some new boots. Now on the way back home, Roy was so taken at looking at his new shoes that he forgot the code of the old west "Always look for Mountain Lions when you're riding a horse named Trigger while your wearin' your new shoes".
Of course, a mountain lion jumped onto Roy, and onto Trigger and a mighty fight ensued. A rip-roarin',fur-flyin', hyphenatin'-using kind of fight. Finally, man won over beast and Roy triumphed over the mountain lion. Unfortunately, Roys boots were chewed up beyond repair.
Roy was pretty angry, but decided they could use the meat over the coming winter months, and use the pelt for a hat, so he tossed the big cat over Trigger and continued on his way home. All the way dismayed that his new boots were in such a state.
As he neared his home, his faithful Tennessean wife came out onto the
porch to greet him. She took one look at Roy, one look at his new boots,
one look at the cat slumped over the back of Trigger, A look at Roy, and
so on. Finally, she
Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
(uh, try singin' "Pardon me boy, is that the Chatanooga Choo-Choo")
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so--thereby proving that . . .
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars!
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says..."That boy should have quit while he was a head."
The management at Sesame Street was having trouble keeping drivers on their bus route. It seemed like every week they would have to hire a new driver because the last one would have quit. So, when they hired Maxine they warned her that the job would entail a certain degree of crowd control along with her duties as a bus driver.
"No problem" she replied, "I've handled plenty of tough cookies in my time." She thought to herself "This is going to be a piece of cake!"
The first day on her route she comes to her first stop. There at the bust stop stands a cow. MAxine figures, OK, this is odd. But she stops the bus and opens the door. "Hi, my name is Maxine, and I'm your new driver on the Sesame Street bus. What is your name?"
The cow replied "My name is Patty!" At the next stop another cow is waiting at the stop. Maxine pulls the bus over, and opens the door. "Hi, my name is Maxine, welcome to the Sesame Street bus! What's your name?"
The new cow replied "My name is Patty!" She then turns and sits in the seat next to the other Patty.
At the third stop there is a boy wandering aimlessly around the bench. Maxine stops the bus and opens the door. The boy shuffles onto the bus. "Hi, my name is Maxine, and I'm your new driver on the Sesame Street bus. What's your name?
The boy just looks dumbly at her. Then the first Patty speaks up. "His name is Ross, and he is what we call a 'special' student."
Maxine says to Ross "Well Ross, it sure is nice to have you aboard. I hope you enjoy your ride to sesame street."
No sooner does the bus get underway, and Ross starts making disgusting noises at the two cows, and it isn't long before they start doing what cows do, and making a mess of the bus.
At the final stop another boy gets on the bus. "Hi driver" he says as he runs to the back of the bus.
"Wait, not so fast" says Maxine, "I want to get to know my students." So he comes back up and she says to him "My name is Maxine. I'm your new driver, what is your name?"
He looks at her and says "My name is Lester Cleese, can I go now please?"
Then he runs to the back of the bus.
The bus barely gets moving and Lester takes his shoes off. Soon the cows are screaming "EEEEEEWWW, Lester is picking the bunions on his feet and throwing them at us. Make him stop!"
Maxine has had more than she can handle. She speeds to the school practically shoves the kids out the door, and then storms into the school office. "That's it, I QUIT!!!! I can't handle this job!"
The principal says to her "You mean you are quitting too? Why do you want to quit?"
"I just can't take it" she says. "We had two all beef Patties,
special Ross, and Lester Cleese picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus!"
A Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for 20 minutes or so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play.
On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely come off stage when the leader suggested "Hey, we've got 20 minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few!" This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up.
Fifteen minutes and few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back -- it's almost time." But the section leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time -- I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. -- We've got time for another round!"
So round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th. Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn, and livid expression. "Gee," one queried, "why do you suppose he looks so tense?"
"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the 9th,
the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"