There were these two great friends, Sam the Clam, and Freddie Frog. These guys were tight, really inseparable. They would party every night together, and have great times. Sadly, one day, Sam the Clam passed away. Freddie was inconsolable. He wept for days for his dead friend, and weeks later Freddie also died.
As Freddie Frog approached the Pearly Gates, he asked St. Peter where he might find his old friend Sam the Clam. Peter's eyes grew sober as he said, "Hmm, we don't have any Sam the Clam here. He must have gone to that other place."
Freddie was greatly saddened, and asked if he could go down to see his friend for just one night. Peter replied, "Well, it's very unorthodox, but I'll allow it. Here, take this harp, so when you come back tomorrow I'll know it's you." Freddie was pleased, and taking his harp he descended into hell.
Meeting the Devil at the gates of hell, he asked where he might find his friend Sam. "Oh, sure!" said the Devil. "Sam the Clam! He owns that disco down on the strip." So Freddie went down to Sam's club, and the two had a ball. They danced, drank, and partied all night. That morning they said their goodbyes and Freddie was off.
As he returned to Heaven, he called inside, "Hey, Peter! It's me, Freddie Frog! Lemme in!"
"Well," replied Peter, "if it is you, isn't there something you should have to prove it?"
Freddie Frog's eyes grew wide with fear. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!!"
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!?
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for
the cat scan."
The local Baptist minister was going through a mid-life crisis and resolved that after having to shave every day for the last 30 years, he was going to let the local barber do it from now on. So the next morning, he ambled down to the town's only barbershop. Once there, he discovered the barber's wife, Grace, was behind the chair.
She told him her husband had taken the day off to go fishing, and she was taking care of his customers that day. The minister reluctantly sat down, knowing he had to have the over night growth removed. When Grace was finished, his face was as smooth as it ever was when he was a young boy.
"That'll be $10, reverend", she proclaimed. He thought that was a little steep, but paid it without complaining in order to keep his good reputation.
The next morning, he was going to reconsider his decision to let someone
else shave him - especially at $10 a pop. He discovered though, that
he had nothing to be shaved off. It was as smooth as the moment Grace
had finished the job the day before. Several days went by and he
had yet to consider putting the razor to his face as no facial hair had
Several weeks went by when he stopped by the barbershop to get his haircut. The barber was behind the chair this time. The minister told the barber he hadn't shaved since the barber's wife, Grace, did it several weeks before.
The barber replied, "That's easy to explain. You were shaved by
Grace, once shaved--always shaved"!
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction.
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either him nor the fish again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
The circus train had just pulled into town and the animals were being unloaded. Unfortunately the handler was momentarily distracted and one of his prize exhibits, a talking gnu, escaped.
He rounded up a couple of the circus hands and set out after the talking gnu. They searched up and down the streets asking folks if they'd seen a gnu around anywhere, but not much luck.
Hours passed and they decided to give up the search. But on the way back to the train the happened down an alley they missed before. Hearing some people in a yard they decided to stop and ask anyway. When the handler popped his head over the back fence he saw some people having a barbecue, and he could scarcely believe what he thought he saw on the barbecue grill.
A young man had seen the handler looking over the fence and came over to see what he was so upset about..
The handler said, "Pardon me, boy, is that the chatty gnu that you chew?"